This post was submitted anonymously.
Intellectually, I realize that favoritism is a fact of life. It's mostly arbitrary, it almost always isn't something personal (just a reflection of the others' particular tastes), and it doesn't mean they don't love you if they don't happen to favor you.
But, I have to admit, it hurts. It hurts partially because I am always hoping to make it "better" somehow, which never works. And it hurts because even though I mentally ascend to the fact that I am not worse than any other sibling in my family, it definitely *feels* that I am worse. In some subjective, slippery, unassailable way.
My mom has always preferred my younger sister to myself. It wasn't always an active favoritism--more an open frustration with me that she didn't seem to have for my sister. Even when we were younger. She would nitpick things I did--from the way I cleaned, to the clothes I liked. She would tell my sister she was beautiful, but would never tell me I was beautiful. Somehow, my accomplishments never seemed to impress her, but she would boast to our neighbors and extended family about my sister's accomplishments.
It also would become more overt, as time went on. There were at times open comparisons, straight-out verbal confirmations of what I thought might be the case in her opinion: "G--- is always this, and you are never this." "G--- is more this than you are."
What's interesting is, I was never a bad kid.
I made better grades than my younger sister. I had a more prestigious job, even as a teen. I never partied, never did anything that my parents said I couldn't. I wasn't a "rebellious" teen in any sense of the word. I tried, very hard, to be someone my parents could be proud of. I had this feeling gnawing at me all the time that there was something inherently unlikeable about me, so I tried very hard to be likable.
It just never seemed to work with my mom. She would shower love on my older brother who often broke the rules, who made poor grades, who was never dependable. She never picked on him, never noted his failings. But with every single one of my near failures, she would harshly chastise me.
As I grew older, as I left for college--I realized it was something that would never change. Yet, I kept trying. Rather, I keep trying. I think it is important to note: my dad always loved me unconditionally. I have always been close to him. He always showed a great sympathy for all my hardships, for all my personal battles, and a great pride in my accomplishments. My dad has always defended me, always showered praise on me, always seems to love me deeply.
Recently, my mom has complained to my dad that I never seem to want to call her from college. He always mentions to me on the phone when I call him that I should really try to call my mom--that she "misses" me. I don't tell my dad this, but I have a strong feeling that she does not miss me. I think she wants to feel that I am not hurt by her favoritism--I think she may feel slightly guilty, and wants to feel that everything is all right.
Truth be told--everything is all right on my end. I don't feel angry at my mom like I used to. I don't feel necessarily sad. I just have a real fear of being vulnerable with her. She has heat-seeking-missiles sort of attitude toward all my weaknesses, and eagerly calls them out--even when I have good news/news that might make her proud. After awhile, it just became emotionally taxing. I thought the fact that I never call her would escape her notice, but it seems she wants me to keep calling her.
The truth is--I want to. I wish I could have a good relationship with my mom. I wish I could love her like my dad. But I have a big wall up, emotionally, when it comes to her. I can't take the favoritism, in an overt way--it simply hurts too much. But, my parents won't drop the fact that I never call her.
Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm not talking about being an outright rebellious kid, and having your parents disfavor. I'm talking about even when you follow the rules and really try, they just don't seem to like you? Is it something I could be that I'm not yet? Is it something just inherent--ie: some people are just not that likable?
How can I let my mom know how I feel, without it making our relationship even worse? She is not the type to just "forget" a potentially hurtful attack on her. I don't know how to present it, though. How do you say in a gentle way that won't make someone mad, "Since I was child, I have felt like I was a burden and that I could never please you?"
I really need help, you guys.
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Comments (28)
I would tell her exactly that and in a letter. Don't call because it could feel like an attack. She has either to change her ways or not. My mother has a timeline of our whole lives by the things she thought I did wrong as well as the things I did wrong. eg. we got our roof redone the year K ran away from home so that was in 1983..... I wish you the best of being able to let her know how this has affected you and you both can resolve these issues before too late.
there are some things that simply are not going to go over well.Criticism about your parenting from your children is one of those things. My parents very clearly favored my siblings over me. I got far less support emotionally and financially from my parents and turned out just fine. I brought it up at one point and they were very straightforward with me in that I very much was a burden on them. Shocker, people that didn't like me to begin with didn't like when I Had something negative to say about them. The thing is I stopped internalizing the problem and began seeing it for what it was. I celebrate my own successes with people that actually care. I don't totally cut my parents out of my life but I sure as hell don't keep them posted on every little thing. What you can do is maintain the sorts of relationships you want. Now that you're an adult, (and assuming your mom isn't paying tuition and board for college) I would talk to her just as much as you are comfortable with. You were doing fine up until now, you'll continue to be fine without her acceptance (prestigious jobs, doing well in school, as you pointed out) so until you are totally autonomous and your mother has mellowed out toward you, I wouldn't bring it up. She hasn't changed her attitude yet, as you pointed out. I can't foresee something good coming out of this for you.
it could be that she had higher expectations from you....this is usually the case with first born children. Â the ones after are kind of like afterthoughts, its nice when they do well...but not expected.
my situation isn't the same as yours but my mom was in some ways harder on me than on my siblings. i'm the middle child but my sister and brother are spread apart in age. she would often tell me i had to stop fucking up (i was definitely a problem child, again, not the same situation) and she did favor me but she corrected me way moer than my other siblings. i ended up finding out in the end that she just wanted to see me succeed and knew my capabilities were beyond theirs. as bad as that may sound, and i love my brother and sister dearly, its true. she also knew i needed more prompting than they did to stay in line. as far as your situation in particular goes, it seems like your mom does want what's best for you and sees your potential but she really just goes about it all the wrong ways. that's typical of parents, really. it isn't saying its okay but I would try to look at it from her perspective and say "well, she can't be perfect." and think to yourself, why would she be doing this from a logical perspective. best of luck
I don't have any siblings, yet my mother still nitpicked at me. when I got straight A's on my report card my senior year in high school, instead of saying congratulations, she said, why don't you get a F(grade)
I think that's her own jealousy that she didn't do well at school or more like she didn't really go to school and get a diploma. then she has to say something about my outfit no matter what I wear. I wear something casual and comfortable and she asks me why I dress like a bum to school and why don't I wear some makeup, take time to do my hair and in other words, put in more effort, but I tell her, it is just school, so who cares. then when I do wear something that looks like I put effort into, she'll ask me why do I have to dress up everywhere I go
or she says that my clothes look too tight like it could fit a kid. uh, no this called form fitting clothes. so when I wear loose fitting clothes, I look like a guy to her. but when I wear "feminine" clothing, she still gets on my case and got annoyed that I took too long to get ready
that was when I was in high school. nowadays, I tell her directly, "it is my body, not yours. I can wear whatever I want
" then when she still has something to say, then I say, "why do you care
" I think it is like that song by prince "when doves cry" and there's a lyric about how, "maybe I'm like my mother. she's never satisfied
" even now when I'm doing good for myself at my work, she has yet to say something nice to me, but she still says I'm lazy for not cleaning my room rofl. um, I'm too tired from work and don't have time to clean let alone sleep(but I have time for xanga. don't tell anyone
) my room isn't even messy at all, but she thinks it looks messy because it isn't "her way" but it isn't her room, it is my room. I'm the breadwinner now and pay her rent, so I have the saying power
she finally shutup after I gave her some money
my relationship with her is weird.
In my house, it is the other way around. My dad plays favorites with me. I hate how he treats my brother. I think this is a problem that may be difficult for people on Datingish to help you solve without knowing the entire situation. If your mom is anything like my dad, she won't even see her behavior as wrong and therefore therefore, in her mind, there is nothing to discuss. I am guessing, since you said she doesn't understand why you don't call her, she doesn't see her behavior as wrong. I really think this is something a therapist would be better suited to help you out with. A therapist will be able to tell you the best way to approach your mother, or how to accept that she will probably always treat you differently from your siblings and never give you a reason why she does it.
I don't know if there's anything you can say to her. You can call her and just have a normal conversation. But maybe your personality and your mom's just aren't compatible. It's not anyone's fault, it's something that just is. You can't be that unlikeable if your dad likes you, and, presumably, your friends like you.
I sometimes wonder if my parents actually like me. I know they love me, but I sometimes wonder if they wish I was different.
favoritism happened with my cousins. they were the opposite of me and often did stupid things. they got a welcome home dinner party when they were released from prison. their mom spoiled them rotten and would bail them out of jail when they should be there to suffer the consequences, but unsurprisingly, they would do stuff that would land them back in jail. my cousin called me telling me that he was released from jail and I can't really say that I was happy or anything, because what he did to land himself in jail was messed up to the other people that he harmed and I think he deserved what he got in jail honestly. I feel bad for the traumatic emotions that the people that he hurt must've went through and he's here happy-ugh. I've been good all along and I'm overlooked because it is expected and typical of me, so it is like too smooth sailing and I jokingly say to my mom that maybe I should've sold cocaine instead! implying that I should've done something bad, landed myself in big trouble, jail preferably, so that I have this "amazing" story to tell that I turned my life around after intentionally messing things up one time after another and learning an important life lesson
now that I'm a bit older, I've concluded that some people in my family were just jealous bitches, because it would hurt their ego if they praised me. they put the villain on a pedestal because they are also villains, or used to be, so they can relate to them more than the mostly clean slate super hero
I'm doing well today and I already cut out those people in my family, who didn't support me. these people in my family can't understand why I don't keep in touch with them either and I don't think that it'll ever occur to them what they did, so I'm not wasting any more time explaining to them why. I feel that they hate my guts, so why do they care to talk to me and pretend to ask about me because they hope to hear that I'm doing badly, so that they can feel better about themselves. they don't want to hear that I'm doing well. that's who I know them to be and I don't think they'll change sadly. I just move on with my life and only keep those, who truly love and care about me around.
i am dying to know what this has to do with dating. you guys have had a handful of good articles recently, but you have increasingly been posting articles irrelevant to dating as of late. oh yes, and then there's also your attempted cover-up of the cosmo article fiasco from the other day. it was completely unprofessional of you guys to not bother submitting an apology to your readers for not doing your research ahead of time to confirm the article wasn't written elsewhere. publications make mistakes all the time, which is fine. we're all human. but they ALWAYS issue an apology--even if just a footnote at the end of the corrected article--when the mistake is caught. you're big boys and girls. time to get your shit together. (a remark pointed at the editors, not the op.)
op: i had (/have) a similar situation growing up. my parents would always criticize me for my decisions, which were generally pretty good ones, then brag about all my accomplishments to others. so i just stopped telling my parents about my personal life. of course, they act like i'm the one at fault, and my friends tend to side with them too--but hey, i do what i have to do to protect myself.
This is very well written, so thumbs up. :)
All I can say about your situation is probably confront her and lay all your issues with her out on the table. She's your mum and she's supposed to understand, or even try to understand. If she doesn't, then that's like everyone else isn't it- you just ignore it, and move on with your happy life. You must feel "she's my mum, I can't do that" well you're an adult, and she is too. If you can't settle it now, you both will be put in a situation where you both say, "what if" everyday. Another would have, could have, should have. In the end, if she is being selfless, it is much better to surround yourself with better and brighter energy, than worry about things that bring you down. Just treat her accordingly, and don't stress about love and attention from those who despise for no particular reason. You sound like a successful person, you have the right to feel good about yourself from people you love.
Just tell her. You have to muster up the courage to tell her, and you can't be afraid of hurting her or making the situation worse. It's more important that you get your feelings out. I'm sure your mom loves you very much. I know some mothers have a softer spot for their youngest child but that doesn't mean she loves you any less. Maybe she's hard on you because she sees that you're stronger and more independent than your younger sister...maybe you remind her of her when she was younger. You won't know until you talk to her about it.
Since you seem quite close to your dad, have you talked to him about why you don't call your mother? Obviously you still need to be delicate about it because it's his wife/partner you're talking about, but he should know her best and understand both your and her POV fairly well. Maybe he can give you some advice on how to deal with your mother. :)
This is a pretty common thing. Parents will favor the one who is least capable. I'm not sure why it is, but it happened with my grandmother, my mother in law, and it's sort of happening with my mom. Come to think of it, it seems to be mostly moms who do it.
When I was 9, my mom moved to a different country to be with another man. My brother was left as well (he was 11. I had another one but he was already 18 and moved out).. Because of some bad stuff that happened, I had to move to the States and live with my mom. She had 2 other kids (they are 11 and 13 years younger than me) I realize I was 17, but when your mom treats you like dirt compared to them and always will? It really sucks. I have maybe... 5 baby pictures of myself? My mom took HUNDREDS... Probably thousands already of my sisters as well as my brothers.. They say the youngest (I was at the time) doesnt get pictures taken much, but I was the first girl born
My mom has never raised a girl, and now she has 2 around the same ages... She is already 52, so she will have a hard time.. I have made some mistakes as a kid.. So has all my siblings, and yet.. I get treated like crap. I have gotten the best grades out of them all, and yet.. My mom still says I didn't do good in school. I have never not been on the honor roll.. Always had atleast a B average, and would get lots of A's, meanwhile my sisters are already failing and she still makes comments about my schooling?
yes. absolutely. I was a national merit scholar, 4.4 in high school, 3.9 in college, graduated 10th in my class, D1 collegiate nationally ranked swimmer, 34 on my ACT, every honors society known to man, never got any kind of school or police chastisements, 5'10, blonde, asked to model frequently. I did party, but not that my mom knew about and not that it affected my grades or anything. my sister partied earlier and harder than I did for a while. but my sister was always more impressive than I was. I always did things wrong, dressed wrong, wore my hair and makeup wrong, exactly like your mother really. except my dad was physically abusive, so be glad you at least have that for you. perhaps that's why I now frequent my anonymous ednos xanga mroe often than my facebook or twitter.
yeah...my mom always picks fault with me no matter what i do, and no matter that I got all As in high school and I made honor roll every semester I was at college, she always finds something wrong. And I was like you: never partied, always helpful at home, good grades...and yet she still tells me I have no right to be studying to be an engineer because I'm too dumb, that I am the mentally unstable one of the other three siblings, and that I don't deserve to make my own decisions.
As far as laying stuff out to her goes, best of luck. I hope your mother isn't anything like mine...I tried that, and all I got was her yelling at me, calling me ungrateful, and as always, mentally insane. Thus happens every time I bring up the whole, "mom, it hurts me when you call me insane everytime I try to share my emotions with you."...the most recent attempt was the fourth, and the last.
If you can make her see reason, then God bless you and good luck. If not, well, you're an adult who will soon be independent...so you can choose whether you want to associate with her.
You have written a thoughtful essay on this and been very clear about your emotions with this situation. How wonderful that your father has always been loving and supportive..Means a lot to have one parent who is that way.
Talking to someone impartial about your feelings BEFORE you talk with your mom would probably be helpful. Another trusted opinion from a professional may be quite helpful.
My mom and I never got along. I, too, was a "good' kid who didn't make waves, but our personalities were very different. She loved me in her own way, but showed obvious favoritism to my two younger brothers and younger sister.
I went to talk to a professional about it because I wondered if it was my fault. I found out it was not. Which was a big relief. Then, as my mother got much older, I invited her twice on week-long vacations with me. We talked and I was able to express my feelings with little emotion..not easy. But, things did improve a little. Still never a great relationship, but I had no regrets when she fell down her basement stairs hitting her head a few years ago. Died that very day..so very, very hard.
Good luck to you. You sound like your head is screwed on right. Plz go talk to someone. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. I still detect some anger toward your mom..understandable..Talk to someone and try to resolve it in your own mind.
Good luck, dear !!!
Christy
You should straight up tell your mom: "I don't call you, because you are hypercritical of me, and, from my perspective, preferential to my siblings. I no longer see the pursuit of a relationship with you as personally rewarding."
If that doesn't work as a wakeup call for her, then nothing will; might as well just move on with your life.
As people on the internet, our understanding of such a complicated situation is limited, and so it should be. If you were to write out everything, no one would read it because it would be super long and complicated. So keep that in mind when you are reading these responses.
You didn't mention if your parents are supporting you through college or if you are paying your own way, at least not in the original post, and since this was posted anonymously I'm assuming you didn't answer that question in the comments either. From the sounds of your post you don't live at home, so at least there is a certain amount of space between you for what I think you need to do.
First of all, you need to realize that the way your mom treats you is NOT okay. While parents may (and most do) have their favorites, it doesn't make it okay to treat your children differently. They are adults, they need to act like it, especially when their children are younger. While I applaud you for not letting it get to you too badly, you need to understand that what your mom is doing is not okay, and using your dad to emotionally blackmail you into calling her just so she can rag on you some more is absolutely despicable, and she needs to understand that her behavior is not only unacceptable, it won't be tolerated any longer.
So the next time you talk to your dad, explain it to him. Say you are tired of her treating you like shit, and that is why you don't call her. You are an adult (a young one, but an adult nonetheless), and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, not ragged on for her perceived faults in you, especially considering all of your achievements up to this point in your life. Explain that while you love him dearly (and your mom too), your studies are more important, and her constant belittling of you is making it difficult to focus on the things you need to do.
Then, you need to grab some paper and a pen and write a letter to your mom. In it, you need to be honest. The things that she says and the way that she treats you are not only unacceptable, they are cruel and that is why you have not called. Explain that while you love her, you need to be able to focus on school, and the things she says to you make you feel like the work you are putting in isn't worth it because you know that she will never be completely happy with your performance, no matter how well you do.
Then you need to give her a second chance. Tell her you will call, and then call. Also explain in the letter that if she continues the behavior, you will not give her another chance. When you call, if she starts in on you, explain that you are not going to tolerate being treated like that, and if she doesn't knock it off, you are going to hang up the phone. If she continues, hang up. And then don't call back. If she makes an attempt to contact you, make sure that the first words out of your mouth are to tell her that if she can't speak to you with the respect you deserve, you will immediately hang up and not answer again. And then follow through. Eventually she will get the point that you are not going to tolerate being treated like shit, especially when you did nothing to deserve it.
Finally, you need to get to a therapist. You are in school, so your school should have some free or reduced cost therapy services for students, so I would look there first. The way that she treats you is unacceptable, and talking to a neutral third party will help you work out how to specifically deal with her and the thoughts and feelings that go along with that. Also, they will be able to give you better coping mechanisms to deal with her behavior, as well as the confidence to realize that you deserve to be treated better.
I was the favorite of my father. My mother in fact resented me. She has been open, since I became and adult, married, had kids etc. She was honest and finally admitted that those feelings I had of her not liking me were not imagined. That my fathers favoritism of me (over my 3 younger siblings) was in fact very difficult for her. She has always been depressed, selfish... stuck in her own world and my fathers attention and connection with me made her very jealous.
I am grateful for my dads love. I am a great person because of his unconditional love. but I wish it wasn't a tradeoff for my mothers discontent and anger towards me. Not to mention the pain my siblings endured hearing my father sing my praises. Its just that I am so much like him, I look like him, talk like him... think like him. It was so easy for him to love me. My other siblings are AMAZING, but not so much like my father so even though they were not loved less... they were not praised as much as I was.
favoritism sucks, even for the favored. i hope my two boys don't sense favoritism. I am already concerned as my older son is more like his father, introverted, and harder for me to understand, while my youngest is happy-go-lucky and very social like me... but the little one does seem to favor his dad over me... opposites attract? lol.
I would be open with you mother. I wrote my mother a long letter once, she was hurt, but when she reread it after a few days she was able to accept my pain and validate my childhood hurt and neglect, it really helped me heal. Though my mother has not changed much, I know what her limitations are an I don't expect anything more from her.
Sometimes parents are harder on the children they know are more resilient. I'm not saying thats necessarily what the reason is, but it could be. For example, my mom bought my sister (who is 8 years older than me) a house, numerous cars, gives her money, and all to be continuously used with no promise of payback. I, on the other hand, don't get as much, but I also hold the ability to be independent.
I really think she was picking on you BECAUSE you were better than your siblings. I could be wrong and I'm no expert on sibling relationships, but it sounds like you were easier to deal with and she felt like she could pick on you whereas your other siblings needed more tenderness because they objectively weren't as good.
Please just don't come out and lash out at your mother because she hopefully doesn't intend it that way and probably really does miss you. College is a good time to learn how to communicate as an adult with your parents and initiating an intimate discussion is a great way to start.
i did with my dad, to this day he has never told me he loves me.. or written it in a birthday card even yet i remember he constantly did and does to my sister.
due to promotion and various overcomings in my life he had told his mum that he was proud but he hasn't said that to me.. i didnt get as good grades as her because i was very very ill ever since i was a baby and still very ill now but have come to terms with him and no longer seek his approval or hate or resent him. its sad that i can't be who he clearly wants or wanted me to be and that he can't show love towards me.
whats hurts more though is how he was only ever violent to myself and my mum not my sister.. that hurts.
i think sometimes this does happen for not really any reason at all - it could have been that i was ill or he and mum werent happy or he didnt really want me or i didnt do well enough but ive decided that he is my dad, i will love him for being my dad and not particularly any other reason and that i dont need his approval or love to do well with my life, he doesnt deserve the time of day if he cant treat me 'well' but he is still my dad..
You just described my entire life. I suppose that means I don't have any helpful words for you. But at least you know you're not alone in this situation.