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Okay, so long story short, I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost a year now and he is truly the BEST boyfriend I have ever had. He is sweet, caring, attentive, willing to do ANYTHING to make me happy. Not to mention he works really hard to be able to spoil me rotten. All in all, he's perfect.
But with all that being said, I feel as though my love for him isn't as strong as what he has for me. In our relationship, he's always been more attached to me than the other way around. When we fight, I'm the type that would go to sleep fine and worry about it after. He on the other hand, would not be able to sleep and would stay awake most of the night; then feel like crap the day after at work.
He's done SO much for me and I know I have a good guy, treating me right and the way I always envisioned the perfect boyfriend to be. However, despite all the things that he's done for me and while I greatly appreciate it every day, I can't seem to feel in love with him.
I do like him and feel lucky to have ever met a guy like him the first place, I just don't know if I love him.
To be honest, if we ever break up, then of course I would be sad and miss him like crazy but I also know that I would be able to move on much faster (or so I think). However, he would be DEVASTATED and I know that because of the way he reacts every time we fight or go on a break (this happened once, and I won't get into it).
And that is one of the reasons why I can't seem to break it off with him. He's done so much for me that I feel like I owe it to him and I don't have the heart to hurt him. It would kill me to know I have emotionally crushed someone that has been nothing but good to me and I feel as though I am holding onto him, hoping that over time, my feelings will eventually grow.
I'm just confused with my feelings at the moment... is it because I know I have caught him that my feelings just aren't as strong? Is it because he has always been the one that tried so hard that I've grown used to it and not trying as hard?
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It's more like, "I love how he takes care of my needs, so I'll stay with him because he's a good little manservant even if I don't really care for his well-being myself."
There's a conflict between your ethics and your needs. Your ethics are probably telling you that if you don't feel the way he feels for you, it's probably best to call it quits and let him find someone who will love him as much as he would love her. Your needs are telling you to fuck that shit, you like having your needs met, so you'll suck him dry.
It's up to you to decide which one wins out. Feeling "bad" about it is completely irrelevant in this case because you're willing to exploit him in spite of it.
what Quantum said.
do him a favor and dump him.
This is the exact situation my boyfriend and I have been dealing with on and off for almost two years now. He deems himself as a selfish boyfriend whereas I'm a very selfless person in general.
He has always felt bad that I do so much and get so little in return. And he is the kind of guy who can easily put his worries away just like you.
I think you have to rethink what you want out of the relationship and how much you have been putting into it. If you don't love him, I know you at least care for him deeply. He might not seem like someone you are afraid to lose because you already have him so carefully wrapped around your finger. With that said, a relationship is not made up of one person. You have to work for it too. I have not read what you do for him out of the "I-do-it-because-I-want-to" reason instead of the "I-do-this-because-I-feel-like-I-owe-you" reason.
If you feel like you can't do that. You might want to reconsider sticking with him because he could deserve someone who can do that.
THAT IS SOOO AWSUMLY PUT....WOW....BREAK IT OFF NOW, RATHER THAN HIM GETTING MORE CLOSER BY THE MINUTE, NEVER MIND THE DAY...AND, STAY BEST FRIENDS...I HAVE A BEST FEMALE FRIEND, SHE HAS THREE BOYS...THEY THINK THE WORLD OF ME...AND 14 YRS LATER....STILL BEST OF FRIENDS....
You should give him enough respect to let him find someone that gives him equal attention and love. Find someone you can connect to, give him the same courtesy.
Whoa this is almost exactly the same as to how I feel with my boyfriend... except I have been with him for 4 yrs. I've tried explaining my feelings to him but he just won't let me go. When I break up with him, he just keeps acting like my boyfriend... so it never works out for me
. Anyway, I hope you can figure out what to do. I wish you the best.
I am the wrong person to ask.
"is it because I know I have caught him that my feelings just aren't as strong?"
Yes. Grow up. Deal with it.
Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. I tend to express the, well... opposite of sympathy when I sense a lack of empathy. I'm a bloodhound when it comes to flawed logic.
Does your boyfriend know you feel this way, and have you tried not feeling sorry for him or bad for him, but instead, have you tried to connect with and understand why he wants to stay with you?
All you can accomplish here (and I see it all the time) is gaining a sense of justification for your lack of feelings, only serving to further decrease what little feelings remain.
Saying "my feelings just aren't as strong" is a self-fulfilling prophecy, because no matter how hard you try, you can't get him to care about feelings you don't have, regardless of the fact that other people can easily empathize with not loving him (or even knowing him for that matter), thereby further pulling you out of a relationship you're already feeling detached from.
It is your responsibility to connect with his feelings.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Very cynical, but surprisingly accurate.
I've gotta say, I often find your comments contain an impressive amount of truth from a point of view that might not seem like it from your wording, but is almost perfectly factually neutral.
one of my past coworkers had this dilemma. she said that her husband is just too nice and she doesn't have the heart to leave him, although she doesn't really want to leave him since he didn't do anything horrible or wrong to her. she'd rather stay in her comfort zone with her best friend that she married than leave and start new alone. I think what it boils down to is that these people are needy and afraid of being alone. their situation is tolerable and nice, so don't leave something that is handed to you on a silver platter
he sounds like a great husband to me from what she describes; he is a homebody and doesn't like going out, so you don't have to worry about him cheating or partying or hanging out with friends, so he doesn't give her stress but spends time with her at home and she cooks and they have a family with a shy and quiet kid that isn't rebellious(or not yet) so some people will wish for something like this, but she doesn't seem to be in love, yet they still care about each other. her personality and mood is world's apart from my other bitter/grumpy coworkers with broken marriages or other problems. what's there to complain about really
I think her type of best friend marriage foundation is ideal to carry on for decades than the more lustful ones. it still depends on the people. I think some people find the routine to be boring because he's too predictable. my guy often gives me surprises and finds creative ways to make me smile, so it keeps getting interesting. if it seems too dreadful to pretend and continue this mostly one-sided, unrequited love, then it would be ideal to consider it now than dragging it for years like my coworker has so now she feels stuck or she has just grown more selfish and keeps him around because she wants someone to find her corpse when she's dead aka fear of dying alone.
No one wants to hear that the person they love is confused or loves them less. BUT he deserves better. break up with him, tell him why. If later you find you made a mistake, maybe he will take you back. But this certainty that you're not that into him, you need to set him free.
You need a guy who isn't really attentive to you and might not even return your calls for a couple of days. Then, you will be in love...and losing. Women are hilarious sometimes. They love to chase. They love to feel insecure. I figured this out a long time ago. Once I realized it was a game, I never lost. Think about the person you were the craziest about, it's usually the worst person for you. I don't know why. It's just that way. I'm smart enough to take advantage of that and do my best to make sure I am the worst person a girl could possibly be with. It sounds crazy, but it works every time. Your boyfriend clearly thinks being a decent guy is the way to go. We can all see how that's working out for him. Hopefully, he eventually learns his lesson.
You don't stay in a relationship because you feel bad for him. How would you feel if someone stayed with you because they didn't want to hurt your feelings? Yes break-ups can be debilitating, but most people pull themselves out of it eventually. You know what you owe him? Some motherfucking honesty.
I think you both should sit down to discuss this matter esp if he's concern abt loving you. I have felt like this before. I think it is (possibly)that he didn't give you enough space to miss him. Ask him to stop doing so much for you. Wait for your feelings to catch up. Maybe did you feel unworthy of him sometimes? That he's beautify so much of you that he doesn't see your irritating points & u feel like he doesn't know you or get you? Women commonly need to be understood to feel loved. For all his patience & giving nature, maybe you don't feel like he gets you?
Tell him to focus more on his other areas of life than you. Go out with his male buddies, take up a new hobby or studies & spend more time away from you, you will gradually know if you miss him or can do without him or not.
Remover, what you feel is important too. He ought to respect that.
@forsakenchild@xanga - The sad part is just how true this is. I was with a woman for five years, and while I wasn't needy or clingy I was very comfortably in love, and then this happened to me. Needless to say the following year I treated women differently, and to much greater effect. While I really want to have hope for most women, it's becoming more disconcerting to me that women have a much harder time distinguishing between love and passion/sex/unpredictability than men. I wouldn't say girls are attracted to straight up tools, but they do not want gentle-men.
You owe him your honesty. Tell him the truth and take it from there. Don't stay with him because he spoils you or you feel bad for him; eventually he's going to get tired of it. Trust me, everyone eventually gets tired.
There's a chance your feelings will grow, but my advice would be to tell him exactly how you feel.
I'm in a similar situation, to be honest. My boyfriend is so sweet and caring and puts up with a lot from me, and I keep telling him he deserves someone better and he tells me he doesn't want anyone else. But you know, what I realize is that he is a wonderful guy, and I am very lucky to be with him, so why don't I just enjoy his company while I'm with him and appreciate him for the wonderful person that he is? And as a result, I feel less guilt and instead focus on making myself a better person, too.
In other words, if you honestly aren't happy with your guy and it makes you depressed that he deserves someone better, then break up with him and let him find someone better! Why waste his time and yours, when you both could be out finding people to date who would make you each happier? Also, I agree with @forsakenchild@xanga, that sometimes the best relationships for you are the ones that are not as exciting as the bad ones. I think people today are extremely demanding on their relationships, and if certain needs are met then it's grounds for a break-up. But if you two cannot enjoy each others' company, at least, then do him a favor and move on.
Do you like him at all, or just what he can give you? I can't decide whether you're just more stoic and he's more sensitive, or if you really aren't interested. One of those shouldn't be a problem and one should... I'll let you decide which.
LOL at the people who are so butthurt about being dumped for being "too nice." Nice is good, but you have to be more than nice to keep a significant other in your life.
It's true that being an ass seems to attract women, but just think about the kind of women you're attracting with that behavior.
My boyfriend and I are experiencing the same thing right now, but the other way around. He wants to love me, but he just doesn't anymore. He wants us to work, but again, he just doesn't love me anymore. He won't break up with me because he really wants to try to make this work, but we aren't really together anymore, either, because - again - of his feelings. I'm debating whether or not I want to call it off just to spare myself this emotional turmoil... and I love him so, so much. I'm already devastated that he doesn't feel for me the way I do for him. I just don't know if its worth hoping much longer that it gets better. How much am I worth? I don't want to let go of my bf, but I can't keep going like this and neither can he. Sit down and talk to him about it. I'm sure within a few weeks you'll either realize you want to be with him or both of you will realize that you just can't play this game anymore.
Break up. You're dating, not married. I don't think you're confused as much as you're simply feeling guilty because you know you want to break up but don't want to hurt him. Don't feel guilted into a relationship you don't want to be in because you are wasting both your time and his. He'll find someone else to love and you will too
Oh I know. The same thing happened to me a long time ago. Back then, I was such a giant pussy. I believe that's an industry term. It took me a while, but I learned. I'm not saying that I am a complete dick to girls. I'm just a dick in the right ways, and I am very confident, which is the biggest key. I treat them nice. I pay for dinner and do all of the little things. They just have to want something serious more than you do. Once that happens, you win. Albert Einstein said, "Step 1. Learn the rules to the game. Step 2. Play better than everyone else." I am pretty sure he wasn't talking about matters of the heart, but I adopted it as my mantra. I also cheat, which helps. Using a girl as a platform to date from is a great way to meet girls. Women are very competitive and want what other women have. Did you ever notice that when you are single, you can't get laid with a brick, duct tape, and rope, but the second you have someone, girls automatically want you? It's hilarious how true it is. All of the girls I have cheated with all know I have a girl. Sometimes I will tell girls my theories (obviously ones I have no interest in), and they get angry and blast me. However, getting mad at me about it is kind of like getting mad at the weather man because he tells you it's raining. He's just telling you how it is. He's not making it happen. @Drenami@xanga -
Just make sure you're not staying with him because you feel bad, pity, and feel like you owe him.
This isn't what a romantic relationship should be like.
If you like him, ask yourself if you can try harder or if it is even possible to fall in love with him. If you think "no", then break up with him and let him find someone who can love him just as much.
You're not helping him by staying with him just simply because you feel you owe him.
He needs love. If you surely cannot give him that, end it asap. There's no need dragging this on. It's not beneficial for both of you.
fellow ur heart what it telling u. There are many guys out to meet he's not the only guy. Go out with friends and see if u miss him. I know love has its up and down but think about what best for u. Will u be happy staying in this relationship? or u want to mi-sable the rest of ur life? i know u are not happy and ur confuses. i want u to be happy :)
i wish u good luck and i know u will know what to do