I don't know happy married people.
OK, so that's a lie. I know one - my grandparents, who have been married for nearly 60 years and have 8 grown-up children. Of course, I hardly ever see them, and their strict Catholicism means divorce is not an option. So I'm not positive that they're happy, although they seem like it.
Other than them?
In my 22 years, I have never met a happy married couple.Clearly, I have bad role models. But apparently, it's not just me. Most people I know evaluate their parents' marriage as severely lacking. And when my friends and I have our occasional conversations about marriage, the number of happy married couples that we all know combined is consistently in the single digits. Even when there's 5 people at the dinner table.
Despite all this, I still want to get married one day. I still have the typical little-girl dream, with the white picket fence and the happily ever after. But it's a double-edged sword, because
the idea of marriage also kind of scares the hell out of me. But I'm sure that there are happy married couples. And I'm sure some of you know these people, or maybe even are these people. So my question to you is -
How do you become a happy married couple? What's the secret?Image Source
1
Recommend
Comments (62)
this post is just going to result in a bunch of 22 yos who read d-ish to respond telling you about their amazing engagement, etc etc as if none of them are going to be divorced 5 years from now. this is a question for people who are old.
as for me, i see marriage as a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" proposition. either you waste your time (and for guys, money) with some bitch who rapes you in divorce court, or you end up the social outcaste after a certain age--say, 35--when everyone else is married and you're by yourself. i suppose there's an upside to the latter, though. i have a friend who has been working for the federal government since he was 22. he's 37 now. he is retiring in 3 years. that's a pretty good outcome, if you ask me.
Two of the happiest marriages I've seen were second marriages. You shouldn't have to stay in a bad marriage, when a good marriage could be out there waiting for you. People stay married because they are supposed to, not because they are happy.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - lmao! So true!!
I don't know. A lot of people think the hubs and I are happily married and on a very surface level I suppose we are, but if I had it to do over again, I don't think I'd ever get married.
I think marriage takes work, like all relationships. Just cuz you get married, doesn't mean problems stop happening. So of course you will see parents and couples fight and seem unhappy, a lot even might be. But I think you gotta judge relationships individually, not as a whole.
I have had the priviledge of meeting so many couples who have been together for decades without being married. Like my grandma and grandpa, they celebrated their 50th annoversay just last week. They love each other so much and aren't married.. I think marriage is a joke, you don't need to be married to live with someone you are in love with for the rest of your life. Love is love, marriage is different. Marriage Isnt about love its about a expected commitment.
I asked my grandma and grandpa how they managed to stay together all these years. Unlike my parents who got married then later hated each other after they divorced. I remember how my grandma smiled and said Phil (her husband) was her bestfriend. And then grandpa said nana was his bestfriend too. I think that friendship is key to a lasting relationship. After good looks faded and their days got closer to death, what glued my nana and grandpa together is a tight friendship. They just really enjoy each others company.
My grandparents have a happy marriage. Mine was very unhappy, and it wasn't until I almost lost it that I realized neither one of us was putting the work into it. We didn't realize it took so much work, and it was our misunderstanding of what marriage really was that made it unhappy. If I could go back, I would have gone about it differently, but I don't regret marrying him. Now things are a lot happier, and keep continuing to improve and get happier as time goes on.
Communication. My husband and I talk about everything everyday to eachother and tell eachother everything, and we are very, very happy. That's the only advice I have so far since I've only been married 3 and a half years.
I must be the minority here, because most of the marriages I have seen have been happy ones.
My parents are a close-to-hom example, and they still are very much in love after 30 years married. They still have sex, still go on regular dates, and are open books with one another.
The secret?
It often involves self-sacrifice. Dying to yourself, to help the other person. It takes *two* people who are willing to do this. With two people doing it equally, there is so much joy in sacrifice.
The problem is, not many people are willing to do it.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Hey, women can waste money in a divorce too. That's why there are prenups! Not that I suggest getting one necessarily.
Anyway, the thing about not getting married is being alone forever. I know that if I don't marry, my guy friends will eventually leave me for their wives. And that's fine. But it sucks for me, you know? I think the secret is, like your grandparents, to see marriage as a permanent commitment. If you see no option other than being with this one person, it's easy. Just work through problems and don't see every little thing as an excuse to exit the relationship. It's very much how I imagine sibling relationships (only child here, so speculating). You're always siblings, no matter what. And you should make every effort to maintain a good relationship because of that unbreakable bond.
I don't know many happy people in general - married or not.
I've only been married a year and with my husband for 3 years, so I'm still categorized as in the "honeymoon phase" nonetheless, I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY and by my observations of my mother's marriage (4th, my dad was #2) I have concluded a few things about staying happy.
1: Do not start shit. OK, if something is really bugging you, bring it up. But not WHEN it is bugging you. Be calm, be understanding, be honest and say it from your heart. Just a few weeks ago I overheard my mom say to her husband, "My friend asked me if I ever regretted marrying you" (husband:) "and what did you say?" (mom:) "oh, I don't remember." that's just asking for it.2. Directly connected to #1: COMMUNICATE. communicate nicely, not when you are mad/annoyed/whatever
3. You seriously have to give up being selfish. Become an "us", not a "me," don't have secrets, etc.
again, I have only been married for a year. But this is what works for us
Know what you want before you get married. Fix something with your spouse if it's broken and don't just throw it away.
I'm 27. I still live with my parents. They're an extremely happy couple.
Nobody's perfect, and everybody has hard times, but there
arehappy married couples. I live with one, and I'm so grateful to have them as role models. They've been married 32 years, and they're still going strong.
Both sets of my grandparents were also extremely happy in their marriages.
I know without a shadow of doubt that happy marriages are not a myth because I've seen them firsthand, day in and day out.
Happiness doesn't mean you get what you want all the time. Marriage is about compromise and selflessness, but it can be one of the most rewarding things in life.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - This is exactly it. I am so thankful for happily-married parents who have shown me all my life what a fantastic marriage looks like
Wow.... that's all really sad. Are ya'll saying that you actually know more people who are unhappy that they are married than happy to have married? Why the fuck would anyone marry if they are going to be unhappy in it.
As I am only an observer of many happy marriages and cannot actually give advice as to how one can maintain a happy relationship, Chemistry is one... and the ability to accept I think would be another. What I've noticed is that a lot of people seem to get married to individuals they don't actually know-- okay it's easy to say 'we're in love' but once the magic of that fades away, do you still care about the person?
The secret is that love is a decision and not a feeling you get caught up in and have no control over. If you believe love is just a feeling you "fall" into, you can just as easily "fall" right back out of it, or "fall" for someone else *not* your spouse. It is the decision that this person's good qualities are well worth their bad ones and so you will take the bad with the good. Keeping in mind they are taking your bad ones too. It is expecting to give as much as you get, and sometimes more when they need it. And, I think these days this one seems to be the hardest for people to grasp, you consider yourself taken, off the market, no longer looking, and so you never start thinking the grass on the other side may just be a bit greener. And *BOTH* people in the marriage must be this determined for it to last.
I think simply put, it's learning to be content. A perception of happiness that does not involve a constant rush.
I'm happily married, I know many people that are. I think the key is loving your partner more than yourself.
There is no such thing as a happy or sad marriage... only happy or sad people who happen to be married. One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that marriage is the key to making them happy. Your happiness is more influenced by your attitude towards life than anything else.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - This.
@mtngirlsouth@xanga - Also this.
@Jenny_Wren@xanga - Yes, I agree. I was happily married until my wife ran off with another man.
I am very happily married, yes marriage takes work, but we are both committed to each other. I think marriage is more about your commitment than anything else, some days I don't feel "in-love" but many days I do.
My parents are happily married (30+ years), as are my dads parents (60+ years), I have relatives and friends who are my a generation older than me (40-60s) who have made a commitment, kept it, and worked through conflict to have amazing marriages.
my secret is its about us, its about us as a couple, and its about our union. its not about me, you what he did to me, or what I did to him. we are obligated to work through conflict for US. and yes, we will hurt each other, but we continue to love each other no matter what and continue to put our relationship above each one as an individual. it take lots of communication, sometimes some space, and yes, we still have fights. but above everything else our commitment to each other comes first, and we PROMISED to never let that change. We have some AWESOME marriage counselors who have helped us to work towards US, and away from the more natural its-all-about-ME way of dealing with conflict. (himweb.org)
I'm happily married, at least some times. We fought like the devil and stuck around, and were crazily in love and stuck around, and we grew on each other, and now, we fight sometimes and are crazy in love sometimes. Now, when I'm gone overnight, my wife can't sleep, and when she's gone, the bed feels empty. We have six kids, and we have a date at least every two weeks, but sometimes twice a week.
oh, and date night. once a week. despite the kids and work and everything else going on. thursday night its about us.
Aside from my parents, all of my siblings have been in pretty great marriages that I've seen.
Then again, I don't think anyone can EVER be able to judge another persons relationship, because you never know how two people are when they are alone.