Thursday, 12 July 2012
In his lecture on #Tantra, Ran Baron – a self-proclaimed “spiritual seeker and public speaker in the field of theology, Eastern philosophy, and mysticism” -- made an interesting point: The first time a couple has #sex, one party concentrates 95% of his/her energy and attention on the other party’s experience. What does s/he think of me? What is s/he going to tell his/her friends? Am I good enough? Attractive enough? Is s/he enjoying this?
Party #1 focuses only about 5% of his/her energy on his/her own #pleasure. And guess what: The same goes for party #2! Now, if each party is only 5% present in the act of sex/lovemaking, it should come as no shock that there’s often a dramatic lack of #connection between #sexual partners. Many people are often so trapped inside the seemingly exit-less maze of their minds, so hampered and distracted by habitual worry, so removed from their own #sensual experience, that POOF!: they’ve checked out of the moment — out of what’s occurring in their physical bodies.
I’ve been thinking about how much this applies to life outside of the #bedroom, too. How often do we hesitate to do or say what we truly want or need to because we’re terrified of “embarrassing ourselves” or “looking stupid”? When we avoid #honest #expression for fear of judgment, we’re choosing to focus on appeasing the people around us, as opposed to pleasing ourselves. In turn, we end up overlooking our own #needs. Something vital within us burns out. We become hardened and resentful; everyone, including the people we were initially trying oh-so-hard to please in the first place, suffers.
But you know what, folks? *IT MAY – JUST MAY – BE OKAY TO BE A LITTLE #SELFISH*. In fact, selfishness sometimes isn’t selfish at all— it’s 100% necessary to discovering what we need, what we love, and what makes us tick.
Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t consider others’ needs and #desires. And I’m certainly not saying that it’s acceptable to run around $hitting on people’s soft, vulnerable hearts in the name of healthy #self-exploration. I’m saying that it’s our birthright to tune into our needs, our intuition — to take care of ourselves. When we come from a solid, nurtured, satisfied place — when we have more insight into who we are — we become more capable of true generosity. We can then afford to focus on others'needs. In short: Be sensitive. Be respectful. But please, don’t lose sight of what you want.
As Ran so eloquently put it: “In tantric #partnerships, parties ‘use’ one another to find out about themselves.” And you know what? There’s nothing sinister about that. Relationships can serve to teach you SO much about the one person in this world whose thoughts, body, and actions you can control: yourself.
We owe it to ourselves to quit being martyrs for the sake of feeling or appearing virtuous. We're not helping anyone by continually sacrificing our own pleasure.
Going back to Tantra  as it pertains to sex… Ran’s suggestion:
Day 1 - Focus completely on one party’s experience.
Day 2 - Focus completely on the OTHER party’s experience.
Will you dare to speak up? Will you dare to take a little?