In J. Jaque's excellent webcomic "Questionable Content" (www.questionablecontent.net), there is a scene where two outcast women characters named Hanners and Marigold are talking. Hanners is wondering why Marigold constantly avoids and runs away from Sven, a handsome dude who is the constant object of affection of crowds of young women. Marigold responds, "He's PRETTY. Pretty people are NEVER nice."
I found Marigold's response to be so poignant. Of course it's taken for granted that women will drool over handsome men. It's also taken for granted that some women will be frightened of men, usually because of a past history of abuse or general nervousness.
Still, what about women who are frightened of men -usually handsome men- for another reason? What about dowdy, unattractive young women with pimples and overall low self-esteem (Marigold is drawn this way in "Questionable Content") who associate handsome men with romantic rejection? Whenever they see a handsome man, they skip over the "Oh wow, he's hot!" part and get to the "Oh, he's gonna turn me down or laugh at me and I am going to cry so much... again."
We all know the chick flicks where the women yearn and go "ooh" and "aah" over handsome men. Some of the chick flicks will also feature a token fat girl, usually a sassy broad who will admire the handsome man with the rest of girls. Still, the audience knows that the fat girl will never end up with the handsome man.
In reality, whenever my heavier girl friends meet a handsome guy, the girls just fold their lips and look away. They look frightened, like they know that in reality less attractive women are not allowed to admire handsome men. I've seen my less attractive guy friends sometimes act the same way around hot chicks.... but not to the same degree of discomfort that my less attractive girl friend act around guy friends. It's interesting.
What do you think? Are you frightened of handsome men? Are you automatically reminded of rejection whenever you see a handsome man?
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Comments (57)
A handsome man can be a cause for intimidation or even a total lost of trust and insecurity. Which means, a man that is too handsome , sometimes is too self centered. Is concerned more about himself than others. So, he's out to satisfy his own internal motives than those around him.
Frightened is not the right word. I was intimidated by handsome boys when I was in high school. If I were going to be leery of someone because of past experiences it is going to be because of their actions and personality traits not because of their looks. I have never been overweight, dowdy etc. so I do not know how I would feel if I were. I do know that some of the things men have said about overweight women and dating them sickened me. I have an uncle that swears that fat women will put up with anything. If I had been treated that way by men, I would be leery of them as well. As far as rejection is concerned, I am not so conceited that I think every man wants me. Either they are interested or they are not, life goes on.
I think it has a lot to do with insecurity/the way a person perceives themselves rather than how they look (although appearance influences insecurities/self-perception).
I think you're onto something here... I used to feel this way around attractive people, and I've had friends who felt the same.
I also agree a bit with @writemyheartt@xanga - sometimes it's not that they're so attractive per se, but rather it's about their perceived attractiveness to others and how much of a "fight" it will be to pursue anything with them. Which can again be about insecurity, but also might simply be a dislike for the prospect of drama.
All of that aside, I'm more likely to be annoyed by a man than intimidated by him, attractive or not.
i learned over time that there is such thing as a super attractive girl who is not completely fucked up in the head, not skanky, not stupid, and not bitchy. they are by and large the minority though.
so i kind of have a related question for all the really attractive girls out there--and yes, i realize that nobody on d-ish is quite that hot, but i'm going to ask anyway: do you automatically assume that every guy talking to you is attracted to you, and/or is trying to get in your pants?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Hahahahahahaha. You are hilarious.
I'm not super attractive though, so I'm not going to answer your question. :'C
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I'll answer anyway. =)
I don't assume anything based on whether someone talks to me, but I do make judgments based on what they choose to talk about, particularly online. I value friendships (particularly with men) too much to assume other motives without reason.
I have this problem, as soon as I see a hot guy I look away. I can't even make eye contact because I just feel rejection straight away. I just think there's no way they would like me so it's embarassing just to even be caught looking at them, because it might make them think that I think I have a chance when I obviously don't. Obviousl it goes without saying though that my self-esteem is not that great.
I saw gorgeous crush at work today. he was busy talking to other people, but I turned and looked at him and went right back to pretending that I didn't notice him
then he walked in front of me and omg, he's so tall and sexy in his suit
be mine forever
I'm not afraid of rejection in this case because he's married
When I was a freshman in high school, because I had a crush on this guy in my french class. It was the first time some guy looked "male" to me. Never went anywhere but the experience taught me how to be around handsome males.
Guys who are "handsome" also have to be cocky & funny to attract women.
I usually think the guy is already married or has a gf, but look whose talking, I have a bf, so I'm taken, too. handsome/gorgeous men are in a different category than hot/sexy and cute guys. I wonder what it would be like to date the handsome/gorgeous men. I mainly just lust over the hot/sexy guys and wouldn't really fantasize beyond that. cute guys are just a dime a dozen and I don't really think about them more than a few seconds.
I've been told I'm anywhere between "average" and, I quote, "a statue of a Greek God.", but even if I go with a conservative estimate of my objective attractiveness, I am still very much an outlier on the spectrum of self-esteem. I'm usually so preoccupied with random interests that many people find my total absence of self-esteem (not analyzing or comparing myself to others at all) to be the exact opposite (irreverent/narcissistic/grandiose). I playfully act conceited, but I'm only superficially superficial.
I don't see any reason a female wouldn't find my visually admiring her to be the most unambiguous and sincere compliment a person can receive.
@ isitreal_no@xanga - Kind of random, but the spaced-out, fixed gaze of a female admiring a male, in my opinion, is among the most fascinating and adorable things in the universe to witness. I think it's because I'm used to females being so hyper self-conscious all the time that when I see a girl so intensely focused that she doesn't even realize she staring, it's enough to provoke an "awww" feeling.
You don't have to fit the stereotypically "pretty" profile to have qualities that a guy, regardless of how "hot" he is, can find beautiful.
@T3hZ10n@xanga -
You don't have to fit the stereotypically "pretty" profile to have qualities that a guy, regardless of how "hot" he is, can find beautiful.
I will try to tell myself that :)
Yes.
I made a post a long time ago about liking a guy who everyone wants. The girls couldn't care less that he's been with so many people they still want him. I'm not afraid of them, but considering how much "game" they've gotten, I won't be surprised if a relationship with a handsome man doesn't last.
I'm wondering how "hot" some "men" on here are. They act like they can snag any girl they want and usually they are the ones who are relationshipless.
Am I afraid of handsome men? Initially, no. I've been known to follow a handsome man and make sure to get his attention. But if he ends up being the stereotypical asshole who is conceited and KNOWS he can get whoever he wants, so he sleeps with more than one woman at a time and can't or doesn't want to commit, I am afraid to be in a relationship with him. There have also been several times when I've been incredibly attracted to men who are gay... go figure.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - You and I have discussed things on here several times. Whether you find me attractive has not be one of those, so that is up to you to decide.
However, the majority of the time, yes, I do assume that a man who is talking to me also wants to sleep with me. Why? Because that's always been my experience. I tend to get along better with guys because they aren't so dramatic and concerned with makeup (I don't wear it, so I don't care either). But I think it's hard for guys and girls to just be friends... usually a guy initiates a conversation that is flirty or somewhat sexual with me, so, unfortunately I've come to expect and accept it.
I'll be honest, a lot of times I like the attention. Every person likes knowing others find them attractive. However, because I'm happily engaged and fully committed to my fiance I don't tell the guy that and I end a conversation that starts heading in that direction.
Yep.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - okay to first qualify my 'hot' standing: in most cases I would not say that I was 'hot' because that's obnoxious and arrogant, but seeing as how my xanga is private and anon, I'll fess up to being a pretty typical 'hot' girl. blonde hair, blue eyes, size 4/6, athletic, tall. I get told I'm hot a lot, stopped by strangers to tell me how beautiful I am/my eyes are/my smile is on a daily basis. okay, now that thattt ego trip is over.
not automatically, but pretty close to it, yes I think every guy talking to me is hitting on me. because most of the time it's true. in a class/school setting, then I don't. but at the grocery store, at the movies, mall, bar, dinner, street, metro, etc etc, yea. most guys only talk to me because they think I'm pretty. like, why else would start talking to a stranger? even guys I think are my friends at first most of the time end up hitting on me and ruining our relationship. it's something I truly hate because it makes me feel like the only thing I'm good for is sex. like, they can't be friend if I'm not going to end up their girlfriend/sex partner. like, I'm a pretty decent person. I'm smart, funny, friendly, generous. but once a guy finds out I only want to be friends, he stops talking to me. it sucks. happens a lot.@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Short answer, yes. But I also know most will never be brave enough to initiate anything. So in my case I guess the guy is intimidated. I have a lot of guy friends and my closest ones have told me multiple times that they're afraid of me and thus would never start a relationship with me. *shrug*
I don't get intimidated by anyone because I know I'm probably scarier in every single way. I guess if I find the "one" I'll be intimidated by him though initially.
I have a strong bias against hott women. They're living on a completely different planet.
There are VERY few men who can attract me solely with looks; I can only recall three of them. I usually need a good sense of their personality first before I'm actually attracted to the guy. Anyway, those guys did intimidate me a little bit, but I still had the nerve to talk to them. To quote Ms. Regina Spektor, "People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous." :)
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Any guy that has gone out of his way to talk to me has done so for that reason. However, if I'm the one going out of my way to talk to the guy, they weren't interested in me (ie those "handsome guys").
Personally, I think if the girl is at least an 8, most if not all guys would want something more than just friendship.
Now that I think on it, I actually haven't made a solid guy friend since highschool, *sighs* #hotgirlproblems.
For me, it really depends on how I'm feeling that day. If I'm feeling
overly confident, talking to a guy who is way out of my league is
actually pretty easy. They're just people like the rest of us, right?
I'm not going to put them in a category of higher regard just because
they are more attractive.
Then there are other days when good looking guys will introduce themselves to me and I will forget my own name. Awesome...
I always just remind myself that their personality dictates their
reaction to my approach and not their appearance. Just because they are
good looking doesn't mean they look down on less attractive people. I've
had a few guys who have said to me "wow! You're beautiful and... NICE!"
Like... Really? I can't be both..? What does my physical appearance
have to do with the way I treat people?