Tuesday, 10 July 2012
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Parents Just Don't Understand
How many of you have introduced a boyfriend or girlfriend to your parents? How many times have you regretted that decision shortly after? It's one of those instances where you live and you learn or you get over it!Dating someone you're happy to flaunt around is a joyous thing. You should be happy with the one you're with and want to share that happiness with those surrounding you. So you take them around your friends when you all go out for dinner, bowling or the movies. When their friends invite them places, you're right by their side because their friends have already heard so much about you and your relationship. It's good to be in love. But no matter how much awe you're in, the last people you introduce them to...are your parents.
The most critical point of a relationship is meeting the family. Your parents could either embrace or deny all you've built this person up to be. So caution is sure to be taken.
You don't introduce everyone you date to your folks. Well, at least I don't. There are certain people you just know they won't approve of, but something gravitates you toward them, so you just decide to keep them both on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Then, there's the case where your parents, or parent, may adore the man or woman you bring home. They start coming over for dinner, being invited to family functions, staying the night when it's too late to head home. They've grown to trust this person and treat them like they're apart of the family.
Then, things don't work out and the relationship comes to an end. But, this person still comes over for a plate of food on Sunday. Your mom still calls him to fix anything that's broken in the house. They're still invited to family functions. At what point does this cross over from uncomfortable to just plain disrespectful?
When a relationship is over, where should the loyalty lie, if any? Is it okay for your parents to disregard your feelings and still flaunt a relationship they have built with someone you are no longer interested in keeping any form of contact with?
Though, some parents may not see it this way, it's a huge form of disrespect! When the ties are cut between a relationship, don't think that person wants to constantly be in the presence of their ex, simply because you don't want to fall from a friendship that was formed through them in the first place!
Is it petty? It may very well be. But it's also justified. No one wants the constant reminder of what could've been, but never was. Parents should respect the feelings of their child above all else.
Please tell me, am I wrong?
[IMG Source]-ReginaYS
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About the Author
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- From: ReginaYS
- Name: ReginaYS
- Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States
- About Me: When living in the moment isn't enough--I capture it with words. [@ScribedinBK]
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Comments (18)
I disagree with you. That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong.
It might simply be my personal history, but in some cases, I think the bonds between friends are stronger than the bonds between family members. If your family becomes friends with a significant other and then you break up, I think it'd reflect poorly on your family to break all contact/stop being friends with them. Sure, they shouldn't have them over constantly, not warn you when you're likely to come into contact with each other, or do anything that's blatantly disrespectful to you/your space, but it's not fair to expect everyone around you (both your family and ex) to lose friends because it didn't work out romantically between you and a given person.
IMO, the loyalty should lie with everyone you care about. Unless the break up was particularly bad, there's no reason they should have to choose "sides." There's always a way to maintain a balance in relationships if everyone approaches it maturely and with compassion.
It depends.
If the person broke up with you, I can't imagine they would still want to hang out with your family, and if they still do, then I'd say you're right to feel that way.
If you broke up with them or the breakup was "mutual", I don't see any reason you should have any sort of regrets about the decision, as "No one wants the constant reminder of what could've been, but never was." would indicate.
"No one wants the constant reminder of what could've been, but never was."
I must point out that it is absolutely contradictory to combine tenses in that fashion.
If they broke up with you, what you mean to say is:
"No one wants the constant reminder of what could be but isn't.".
If you broke up with them, what you mean to say is:
"No one wants the constant reminder of what can be but never will.".
But again, if it never will be (as a result of your own decision to break up with them), there is absolutely no reason you should have any lingering feelings for what you will never allow to happen.
To put it simply, "what could've been" is saying that something was possible at some point in the past, and adding "but never was", changes the meaning to say that something never happened in the past, and because of that, it will never happen in the past, or even more simply put, "what couldn't have been".
Fact: There are more than an infinite number of things that couldn't have been.
"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
And don't mess with Mister In-Between"
the ex sounds like the annoying neighbor in sitcoms, who constantly comes over to bug you and you could just lock the door and pretend that you're not home, but you're one of those lonely old couples or old singles and as annoying as the kid is, some old people(parents/grandparents) love drama because drama keeps them company as proven by my grandma. I'd probably thank my ex for keeping my annoying family company so that I don't have to:D I'd probably be too busy with my new bf to care if my ex is around freeloading off my family's fridge or whatever, and if so, not my biz, because I have my own place
I've introduced 3 out of 4 girls I've had in the past; I've only regretted one (because she was just an awful person). But, with the other two, I am still friends with them and when they see my parents, they say hi and talk with them. One even sends my parents Christmas cards. I'm still friendly with their parents and see them from time to time. I think with my and their parents, we don't hold it as an obligation to keep in contact, but when we do see each other, we are still friends.
i will only ever introduce my parents to a maximum of one girl, and that will be the one i marry, if i ever do so. they don't need to be all in my grill about that shit (though they certainly like to try).
My parents have met many guys in the past. Not because I wanted to bring them inside of my house, but because they always wanted to know who I was going out with. I had to oblige. I've only brought one man around my entire family, and that's the man I'm currently dating.
My parents love my boyfriend very much. They definitely have their likes and dislikes about him but overall he is very loved. If my boyfriend and I ended on a terribly bad note, I know my parents wouldn't continue to invite him over for dinner or text him to see how he's doing. It's not even about loyalty though. It's about being considerate. I obviously won't want to see him for a while or communicate with him for a while, and I know my parents would understand that. If we ended on a good note, then I would expect them to keep somewhat in contact with him -- though I doubt they would anyway. My parents always tell me, "If you're happy, then we're happy...and if you're not happy, then we're not happy." That should pretty much explain how they feel about other people when it comes to me.
I don't think you're wrong because everyone takes break ups differently. Especially if they don't necessary end nicely. But if it ended fine & both of you just kind of lost the feelings somewhere along the way, I see no reason to cut them out of your life. I do believe that under the right circumstances, exes can still be friends.
I think it depends on the circumstance.
It depends why you broke up and who broke up with who. If your ex is an asshole and you broke up with him because he did something to hurt you, then yeah, it's a problem. Your parents should support you and not want someone around who hurt you.
But if things ended somewhat mutually or for a reason that didn't make you cry your eyes out and think your life was over, then it may not be that big of a deal.
My parents adore my fiance... we live 200 miles away, so there's no way they'd be hanging out together if I wasn't there (or if something happened between us). But even in the past my parents would've never done that. My parents want to be involved with the guy I'm involved with and that's it.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - You are seriously sweet. I hope when you do meet the girl you want to marry//introduce to your parents you make sure she knows how special she is!
Although my fiance has dated other girls in the past and has introduced them to his parents, they've all been high school relationships that didn't last very long. Even knowing I'm the first (and last) seriously relationship he's been in and that he feels strong enough to share it with his parents makes me feel great!
Hmm it depends on the situation, and how you guys broke up. If you broke up, because, say, he was cheating on you or abusive in any kind of way or just generally ended things on bad terms, yes they should break ties with him. If you guys amicably broke up, parted ways with no grudges, I don't see why all contact should have to be broken. breaking up could be as hard for you, as for your parents, whom after all have come to like and come to care about the person you brought home.
What if the child sucks? And the person they broke up with is so much cooler?
@lttlegel@lovelyish - haha i had several thoughts when i read that...a) i think you misunderstood what i meant, it was supposed to be more of a practical thing with my parents more than a statement of anyone's special-ness, b) in any case, i would hope that a proposal to some girl is enough to make her think she's special (haha). c) you are in a *very* small minority of girls who find that attractive, though admittedly, it's why i have always thought you're kind of sweet too :) once in a while someone writes a post or comment that kind of sticks with me, and one of those comments is the first time i read your story about your fiance. i only know two other girls who would be okay with a guy who is totally inexperienced with girls.
but, most importantly--we need put that first sentence in the proverbial d-ish comments hall of fame, so that every time someone messages me telling me i'm an a-hole, i can say someone disagrees :p
I don't think parents will ever truly understand, whether you're dating or not. My sister got flack because her boyfriend doesn't have plans in life but I get slack because I don't want a boyfriend. You will never win.
@randaness@xanga - obviously you shouldn't raise a sucky child. If so, you as a parent obviously suck worse.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - well, okay. Even if I didn't see things exaaaactly as you did, I STILL think you're sweet. Then again, I've been called an asshole more than my share of times on here. Quite frankly, I don't care. A lot of people are too worried what others think of them or their feelings (yes, I'm a girl and I have feelings, but sometimes when I read what people write on here I'm like really... okay, you have a heart, how about a brain)?
As for my fiance - I'd be a fool to pass him up. Okay, so he hasn't been with other girls... a lot of girls want a guy that's experienced and sometimes with that comes abusiveness, cheating, etc. Not saying all guys are like that because they're not, but my fiance is the sweetest person I've ever met in my life.
Go ahead and put my comments in a hall of fame - or better yet, just tag me in your comments and say, she says I'm nice:) hahaa
@evilcleo@xanga - Although I understand what you're saying, in general most parents want their daughters to grow up and be with men who can take care of them both financially and physically. Your sister's boyfriend not having a plan, threatens that and you not having a boyfriend does the same.
@lttlegel@lovelyish - Yeah, I understand the logic behind what they say but that doesn't mean it doesn't get annoying. I'm just finishing school and will be starting my career, which might involve me moving to another state. I need to live for me and make decisions that suit my life before I can afford to consider another's.
I've only ever met one girl's parents, as she met mine - but these were quite informal meetings. My parents knew very little about my girlfriend, but I was happy and so they were happy for me as well. Her mother was very sweet and I baked with her sometimes. Her father worked as a car bodyshop owner, hunted and rode four wheelers. He was a man's man and I'm the artsy/intellectual type. Needless to say we had very few words, and more of just tolerated each other (save for politics, where we both lay on the same side and could talk about that before we both went back to our silent estrangement). Our parents had extremely little impact on our relationship. Our friends had even less. For us, it was a very good involuntary decision and it never caused complication. I'm sure it's not that way for most people, but it is ultimately for the two people involved. Parents should have little control over who their children date/marry, as it's some of the biggest decisions of our lives: others shouldn't be making it for us.
@evilcleo@xanga - That makes sense then. And I admire a girl who focuses on herself and less on a man. Too many women ruin their lives because they're too wrapped up in a man, end up pregnant and then aren't with him anymore anyway.
Just one thing: If you do happen to meet a good guy while you're settling into your career... don't pass on him. It's hard to find a really good guy and they're worth the time and effort when you do. I'm not saying forget about your career and the plans you have for yourself, but if you can try to balance both. I met my fiance my junior year of college and although our relationship made a lot of changes in my life, I def made the right decision:)