Monday, 09 July 2012
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I'll Take Your Man
http://teaser-trailer.com/movie/something-borrowed/
So, my friends have a habit of coming to me for advice on certain situations, that most would take to their therapist. But I guess I'm the closest thing they'd ever get to one, so they take my "no charge" policy and use it to their complete advantage.
Recently, I went to see a movie and went for lunch with one of them, who's younger than myself. She usually has a lot to say and always wants feedback on how she should deal with certain situations. But, this one she brought to my attention...I must say, threw me for a loop.
Here's the issue: She seems to have another friend, whom we don't share, that recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend. We'll call her friend...Renee and the ex-boyfriend, Jonathan. Okay? Good! So Jonathan, who also knows Renee's friend, we'll call her Summer, has been slyly pursuing her. Summer told Renee, but surprisingly made no qualms about possibly giving into his advances.
Let's be clear though, she didn't simply come to Renee and say, "Jonathan's asked me out and I'm thinking about saying yes." She asked Renee what she THOUGHT about her going out with Jonathan.Now, I'm aware you may need a little bit of a back story on Jonathan and Renee to really come to a conclusion on how you feel about this situation. So here it goes!
Renee, Jonathan and Summer all go to the same college. Though they don't all hang out, one could say they're acquaintances as a threesome. But, Renee and Summer are pretty close on their own, minus Jonathan. As freshman, Renee and Jonathan started a relationship that soon turned to be one that was off and on for two years; eventually, that led to their breakup. Summer, being the friend, knows all the ups and downs of their relationship and why it came to end. Which brings us to the current issue at hand.
I was sitting, eating my turkey burger, listening to my friend explain this three car pile up, in awe. All the while, scattered scenes from the movie "Something Borrowed" kept replaying in my head. Rachel and Dex having this attraction to one another all throughout college, but neither of them having the courage to speak up about it. But, when things took a fatal turn and Rachel's best friend, Darcy, ends up with Dex, all of a sudden Rachel and Dex find their voices.
If you've seen the film, you know exactly what I'm speaking of. Though, this seems like a different situation, I couldn't help but to tell my friend, "You know this isn't something that just happened right?" She looked at me, because her intent was to get my feedback on how she should tell her friend to handle it. But I honestly didn't know what to tell her, other than to drop them both as "friends."
I mean let's be honest. You're in a relationship with someone for two years and the sun hasn't even set from your post-break-up and your supposed "friend" is asking if she can go out with him? This has clearly been going on under your nose the entire time. Even if it wasn't, she shouldn't have had the audacity to even consider his request if she was a real friend.Now, no offense to the men, but this I expect from them. They don't take the "code" as seriously as women do. But regardless...IT IS A CODE! You don't date an ex of your friend. Period!
I may be the only one who feels this way and please tell me if I am. But if you were Renee, what thoughts would you have about the whole situation? Is girl code one to live by? Or are there not enough single and straight men in the world to even give it a second thought? SOUND OFF!
-ReginaYS
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About the Author
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- From: ReginaYS
- Name: ReginaYS
- Location: Brooklyn, New York, United States
- About Me: When living in the moment isn't enough--I capture it with words. [@ScribedinBK]
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Comments (19)
i'll be honest, there were too many friends and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends of friends of friends of friends for me to follow. but in any case...
i don't believe in any "codes" about past relationships or hook-ups. plus, if it's been happening the whole time and it's obvious to everyone, i don't see what the problem is.
He wasn't a husband. He wasn't a fiance. It was an and off college relationship. In 5 years no one will care. In ONE year no one will care. Maybe "John" and "Summer" will end up with 5 kids in Suburbia, maybe they'll fuck for 3 weeks and move on.
This isn't highschool. You can't expect to control someone's feelings and life just because they're a friend of yours and are therefore supposed to abide by some sort of 'code' that was probably spawned by the movies.
I've had friends date my exes. I've dated a friend's ex. I've dated an ex's best friend. "Dibs I knew them first! ZOMGZ" is not a valid reason to pass up a potential relationship.
This is one of those girl codes that I know about but do not fully understand myself. Unless I wish my ex ill will, which I do not, why wouldn't I want her to be happy with someone else? Personally, I think it's even better if it was with a friend, that way I knew what kind of person they were ending up with. That being said, I would drop both as friends if they had been cheating with each other while we were still in the relationship. Anything after we say "It's over" is fair game as far as I'm concern, no grace period needed.
maybe summer and jonathan hung out and developed a thing for each other during the off times of renee and jonathan's on/off relationship. since it was during the "off" time, and renee can also see other people, then she can't blame him for hanging out with summer and it doesn't count as "cheating" so if she can't handle that, then don't be in an on/off "relationship" that doesn't seem that serious or committed if it wasn't um...steady. I personally wouldn't date within my circle of friends and make it into a dramatic 90210 series. if she can't stand the sight of her ex-bf and friend together, then drop them, or else she might go crazy and try to sabotage them out of jealousy or something else that'll just bring more drama to others and herself. if I was summer, I'd drop my dramatic friend if she was trying to start drama. although she wanted to drop me first because she thinks I'm starting drama. drop or be dropped. dropkick her first!!!!!
As I have said like a broken record...I may share food with my girl friends but not guys. If sloppy seconds are her cup of tea she can go for it. It's not that there are "dibs" for me. If I want a guy out of my life, I want him out of my life so I can move on. Not have him lingering around with a "friend" when I may still have feelings for him. It will sting that the asshole may treat my friend better than he treated me and I'm not going to be around the both of them for that. Regardless of what people say, there are hidden feelings of not being able to get over that guy for a while and it's insensitive on a "friend's" part to make it worse. Anyway, what's that saying about friends stabbing each other in the front or back? I don't ever go after a guy a friend has especially been serious with. If it was nothing serious, then perhaps, but even then, I don't think so.
...?
Does the ex-gf own the guy or something? And how does wanting to do something AFTER the relationship ended = been going on all along? You're watching too many movies.eh im a little against the code because you cannot control how you meet people... AND many people this day and age are in "recreational relationships" to "see how things go"....
your friend needs to be real about a couple things though. if she was not interested in him before, i think she shouldn't pursue it because theres plenty of other guys in the world. but if she really feels theres something- and its really worth it- go for it. lifes too short to live pleasing other people all the time.
i just think in general the connection would never be that strong to even go that direction. where a person lives would have a lot to do with it too. i see you're in brooklyn and theres plenty of variety over there. but if someone was in a small town i would think people dating the same guy would kind of be the norm. i also think people might be more mature and grounded about it because at the end of the day people just want to find the right match.
If you don't want anyone dating your ex, then don't break up with them! You can't call someone yours for the rest of your life.
Because Summer knows what happened, she knows the good and bad about Jonathan yet she still considers. Since is sounds like you know about Summer and Jonathan, you may have notice or a good guess in feeling that there may have been something between Jonathan and Summer while Jonathan was on and off with your friend Renee. It would be funny if you were Jonathan in this story btw.
I'm sure you advised your friend already but just want to point out the idea of a "code" to abide by, whether it is territorial or emotionally supportive, both, or something else. We're all different so there's no right universal answer, but it's not a bad to consider
I generally feel you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone one of your close friends ex's either, but it's pretty rare to see that actually play out. Most people I've known have dated within the same groups and so lots have similar ex's. It's odd but if everyone's fine with it then who really cares.
I LOVE SOMETHING BORROWED!!!! AHHHHHH
an ex is fair game....so what if he dated one of my friends....what if he was not right for her, but perfect for me?
i love this movie!! ...
I remember how adamant I was about the girl code when I was in high school. Well, maybe it's because I don't get that close with friends anymore but I don't really care. Unless they were, like, totally in love, talking about engagement, & it ended pretty badly. Then it would be shitty. But if it's just a fling or a relationship that simply fizzled out then whatever, who cares? There are worse things in this world than your friend finding happiness through something that just didn't work out for you.
I'm a woman, and don't believe in any of those codes. Personally, I think it's a bunch of crap. Not saying that it should happen soon after a break up, that indeed is a bit messed up, and inconsiderate. But after a while, if a friend would want to date one of my exes? Go right ahead. We broke up for a reason. Best of luck to you both. I've been there, done that.
But that's just me.I think it's very immature to deny someone's (possible) happiness, out of jealousy or whatever reason. In the end you guys didn't work out, move on, find someone else, be happy, and let your ex be happy with whoever he chooses.
I think it is foolish.. Two people broke up and had given their admittedly 'off/on' relationship two years to work. It did not. Why in the world would you say that the third girl should not date her friend's ex. They are over . If the old girlfriend cannot take it, that is HER problem.
Best forewarn the new-to-be date that there may be unwanted repercussions..she may lose her girlfriend .. if she dates the ex.
BUT, who are we to say that they SHOULDN"T date because of some SILLY and ridiculous girl-code.
You are quite nuts to suspect something else may have been going on all the time.
They were not married..just dating. Let all move on and forward and see what may come of it. You have spoken your opinion..and they must choose what to do from here.
END OF STORY.
After offering sought-after advice, MYOB !!
I see your point. Makes a lot of sense. @o0_Gina_0o@xanga -
Everyone is bashing on this code thing, but let's be honest. How many women/men would be happy if their close friend starts dating their ex right after they break up? As far as I'm concerned, there aren't many breakups that end on a positive note right away. And why would there be? You've just spent a significant amount of time investing your time in another person, learning to trust them, being vulnerable-- all for the hope that your relationship works out. So when it doesn't work out, one would feel disappointed right? And then there's that period of maybe we should get back together and a million what-ifs or in the least just nostalgia--missing the good times of the relationship even if you know you won't get back together with your ex. And I think if you are still sad over a break up, reasonable or not, the last thing you want is your close friend to start dating your ex.
I'm not saying that you cannot date your friend's ex indefinitely, but I think going after a friend's ex right away is a little insensitive. Not to mention, dating people who just came out of a relationship can be a bad idea if you mind being a rebound.
But it's not the same case all the time, and you have to use judgement. If Summer asked Renee if it's okay for her to date Johnathan and they are close friends, then she probably sees that Renee would be possibly okay with it. I'm sure if Renee was crying to Summer every night about the break up Summer wouldn't consider it .
A real friend wouldn't go down that line especially so quickly. At least if you truly value the friendship. If after months and the friend is REALLY ok with it and not just saying she is to please you and inside thinking "I cant believe she actually asked me that!" then I say why not. What if that person is the one for you are you gonna let him walk out of your life because of a code? Guaranteed in these situations the guy isn't usually the one and you ruined your friendship for nothing. But if you go about it right thinking about your friend rather then your own desires then things will come together the way they are supposed to at least in my opinion. Although in this situation where the guy quickly started hitting on her that should be a Red flag to your friend that this person may not have values or morals or whatever you may call it either way its a red flag. OR maybe he was secretly into her all the while he was with the other who knows! (which actually could be another flag depending on the ppl & situation) Girls, boys, friendship and dating is one huge mess if you ask me especially when mixed together.