Saturday, 07 July 2012
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Date-Rating Doesn't Add Up
As a self-proclaimed "2" (in reality maybe a 2.5) I have dated tens of different types of guys, all with mixed results, none of which contingent on whether or not he was hotter than me (they mostly were, but I digress).
Rating someone based on their looks and comparing yourself to them is not a healthy way to start out a relationship.
Also, who gets to decide on this scale? Wouldn't your particular taste in potential dates bias your rating quite a bit? Gosh, if I had control of the scale, skinny hipster guys with dark hair would be the new "10." (Yeah, I'm that kind of girl.) But just because you think someone is "hot" doesn't mean that someone else, or even the "hot" person in question, thinks they are. So don't worry about it.
Something else that bothers me is people making excuses for not dating someone because they're "out of their league." Are you playing softball? No. You're just going to coffee. So calm down with the comparisons.
One of my friends once told me that "Maybe it was a 'reach' " to go out with a guy I liked at the time. Yeah, he was pretty darn good-looking, but, personally, I was flabbergasted. Wasn't she the one who constantly told me how I was 'too good' for that dude who didn't call (there were a lot of dudes who didn't call, so she said that quite a bit)?
After always building me up, she was now suggesting I couldn't date someone because they were better looking than me? Yeah, she was. I was pissed. (Here's a tip, if you're someone's friend, don't tell them this sort of thing. If you think you're being nice and helpful, you're not. You're being a judgmental butt.)If the only reason you're not asking someone out, or accepting an invitation to go out, is that you think they're hotter than you, you're just making excuses, and you should have some guts and say yes.
If the gap between you and them really bothers you, focus on the positive. Find something you're ridiculously better at than them (be it dancing, changing tires, calculus, what have you) and just think about how much they suck at it the next time you feel insecure. It'll work like a charm.
Have any of you had a problem with this? What side were you on? Have friends given you crap about dating someone rated either significantly lower or higher? Let me know!
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- From: Allison
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- About Me: A 20-something denizen of the interwebs, who chronically suffers from writer's block.
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Comments (20)
if there's any ever question about whether the other person finds you attractive enough, there's a pretty easy solution: just get him or her drunk. works like a fucking charm. if there is any question about this, let me cite my friend from 2 weeks ago, who said at 11 pm "promise me you won't let me hook up with this girl" to, at 2 am, "nah dude, it's cool, it's cool" to, at 11 am the next day (via text) "ugh". or maybe this 19 yo chick last night that i was told this morning i danced with for 2 fucking hours. i thought it was for like...5 minutes. no joke. if i was sober, it would have been 0 minutes.
on a separate note, i am better than everyone i know at math--save for those with whom i went to grad school--and i assure you it has little effect. you have to not just believe, but know that you're better in every way than everyone else. (well, except me, obviously). just don't be cocky about it. so unattractive.
also, i originally thought the title said date raping.
It's good to have a "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" philosophy, and if they are interested in you, then there is something about you they might find worth while. The most important thing is how you impact each other. If there is something about you that is legitimately valued in you by the other person that is considered "out of your league" then appreciate what the other person offers you while the other person appreciates whatever it is they value in you.
I think this would be most appropriate if it were the other way around. There's a part in there you mention turning someone down because they're hotter... Um... Humans have natural self-doubts so if you think someone is hotter and that "hotter" person is asking you out, you're more inclined to say yes.
If it were a "2" asking out a "6," the latter is more likely to feel inflated and think, "I'm *TOO* hot for you." Seldom ever is it the other way around.
But, it's also all subjective.
Truly, the rating system was created by douche bag frat boys to lower the self-esteem of women and, unfortunately, it caught on and spread that now women are using it, too!
What a world, I tell ya.
It's advantageous to have a partner who in overall attractiveness (not just physically) is around the same level as you. You're more likely to last. However, I think it's better to be with someone who think's you're a little higher, and who you personally rate a little higher. That way you're a good match AND you feel lucky to be together. :)
It's not a matter of 1-10, but most people are automatically gonna' rate others as hotter/less hot than them (whether they're objectively correct or not). ^^;;
Whether we put numbers on it or not, people do this, have always done it and always WILL do it. It's built into our nature. Status. All sorts of things can factor it, but we all respond to it.
Most people are "snobs" about SOME area of personality/characteristics. Looks, education, athletic skills, musical taste, on and on and on it goes.
If I am not comfortable for whatever reason with a person, or they with me, we probably shouldn't date.
I am personally not attracted, in a dating/sex sense, to super hot or attractive men. I admire their looks. I recognize that they are society's dream boats, but I don't personally want to get with them. I don't feel intimidated, but probably on some level it's me not wanting to deal with all that goes with that. They just don't "do it" for me. I feel more relaxed with a guy with less attention getting looks.
this is an interesting point. the standards with which you "rate" people are very different and that can make for a funny situation. for example, i tend to have a preference for strong and athletic looking bodies, which is too bad for me because even though i am strong and athletic, i have a huuuge ass. it never goes away. sometimes when i exercise, it even grows (out of spite, i think.)
to me, it's a perpetual source of embarrassment. i try to hide it in frilly skirts, etc, etc. but to my boyfriend, it's the hottest thing ever. so if i'm a 6 by my rating, i'm a 10 by his rating.
I usually pretend everyone doesn't exist, so the guys, who I might see lingering around, and want to talk to me, are hesitant, because it is like jump rope, you have to wait for the right time to jump in, but I don't even look at him or give any eye contact, so he can't break the ice
however, some older guys don't care if I ignore them and seem to be more interested when I ignore them. while some guys might think, forget it and move on, this older guy was like, I'm going to do something to make her laugh. I rolled my eyes and thought, is he kidding me, but after the initial annoyance wore out, I started to like him
then he became my bf
he stayed patiently in the field anxiously awaiting to pounce on the deer
1-5 is about looks. 6-9 is about looks 10 is looks and personality
I consider myself a 7. decisively better looking than the troglodytes, but not hot.but it is all relative.my friends like shooting for tens all day, but I'd just rather take two 5's. -smacks lips-;]
As one of those dark haired skinny hipster guys, I thank you for the 10 ;)
I dated a girl for almost 6 years and constantly heard that she wasn't in my league by other girls. Including her friends. I didn't tell her about it because it would have upset her. But, the truth of the matter is I never saw it that way. Personality makes the physical part sexy. Not the other way around.
As long as I think she's sexy (and I usually do), then who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?
"Something else that bothers me is people making excuses for not
dating someone because they're "out of their league." Are you playing
softball? No. You're just going to coffee."
Hahahha that's hilarious.
But no, I don't have this problem of thinking someone is too hot for me to date. I have a pretty good self image and am constantly trying to improve myself physically; I know I'm attractive and pretty and many people have told me this. All that matters in relationships is how the two people view themselves and each other.
When I think of the 1-10 scale, I gravitate towards a
differentkind of scale.
But in terms of attractiveness? I don't really think about it or how people stand very much. I've dated women who I thought were very out of my league physically, and I've dated women that I would match at my 'rating' (but I can be very self-conscious. I have no idea where I would rank on a scale. I'm not a buff, macho guy, or athletic guy, but women have told me I am attractive in an "unconventional sort of way".), the attraction in relationships should be between the two people involved and shouldn't be subjected to how people view the couple's physical chemistry.
Beauty. Beholder. All that jazz.
I honestly just don't understand the scale and have no concept of it mostly. My one friend once asked me to rate this guy, and he was Indian. I told her I couldn't really rate him on a general scale, it would have to be a scale specific to Indian guys. I think I gave him a 6 or something.
I always have thought of attractiveness in qualitative terms, not quantitative. In general, I have a hard time rating things in life on a quantitative scale. So I'm a "cute" girl and I would like to date a "cute" guy, and when I was with a "hot" guy, I felt a bit perplexed. And when I was with guys that were not the best looking, I got crap for it (you are too pretty for him!). I try to not bother with it, though. If I'm attracted to him and he is attracted to me, we are good. Doesn't matter if it is based purely on physical looks or if it has been helped along by personality.
Let me first start off by saying something that I believe is the most universal truth for not just dating, but guiding many actions in life: "There's no accounting for taste." Due to the socialization process in this hemisphere, when people first begin dating, they may date outside their 'range', but as the more they gain a sense of how others perceive them, the quicker they close that gap of which partners are closer to their 'number' or not. It's psychological and biological. You can rage against the number system if you like, but it seems like it's just an arbitrary translation of a rather natural selection process. People who date down tend to have low self esteem, security or control issues. People who date up consider themselves lucky but then tend to sabotage the relationship with feelings of mistrust or inadequacy. However, from studies I've encountered, both in research and life experience, it's the 'lower number's that tend to take advantage of opportunities to cheat when they are dating up. I think being able to date up gives some of them that confidence that Hitch preaches of. No one is out of anyone's reach, really, no matter how attractive they are(n't). I personally have experienced homely and oddly shaped faces transform into striking and beautiful faces overtime with just the exposure of inner character to make that change. I think the number system is something that's almost, but not fully innate. However, I also think it's not the basis for determining whether a couple could function. I have a friend, who literally and unintentionally rearranged the way I view beauty. She has alopecia, but was always covering her head with wigs and drawing on eyebrows. When I saw her without any of that I was stunned at how beautiful she was...is. I realized how much hair and make up are distractions from natural beauty and thus my tastes were altered. And as beautiful as she is, she has a thing for guys with crooked teeth. There is absolutely no accounting for taste. I've seen in my life people date down just to vex their parents, or hide same-sex tendencies, or to quiet their fears of being alone.
However, on an energetic and vibrational level, some people just connect because they are on similar frequencies. Their auras are in harmony, and while the physical appearance has little to do with this, their lifestyles and behavioral tendencies and inner thoughts would likely match them with someone in their range, and likely much closer. This isn't the 1-10 scale. But it's certainly dealing with ranges that could be given some arbitrary numerical value for comprehension. Two fitness enthusiasts are probably going to vibe together more harmoniously because of their level of being than a fitness enthusiast and an avid video gamer. However, when matched with someone of similar interests and lifestyles, I'm imagining they would fall into similar, if not distinctive 'types'. And it plays out into careers as well. A go-getter and a sloth might make for an odd pairing, but that doesn't mean that it can't work. Especially is they're addicted to chaos. Some people prefer friction more than harmony. I have plenty of experience there myself. At a point, I felt like I had become quite the professional at engaging in unhealthy, unconventional, going-nowhere relationships full of friction and strife. I've been done with that for a while. However, I've stopped wasting my time trying to romantically pursue someone who isn't a match. And if I'm going to be honest, I'll have to admit, I do very little pursuing. I'm often pursued, and fiercely protected by territorial friends who don't want to see me 'charity-dating'. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm hot stuff. I have a bit of a knight-in-shining-armor complex. I guess I had a taste for 'damaged goods'. No one is actually damaged. I'm going to end my rambling now. Cheers.
I didn't really rate people in terms of numbers but I definitely dubbed them not good-looking enough for me. I would think about what others would think if we were together. Yeah, I was pretty shallow when I was middle school and high school. I broadened my horizons when I started college. I currently have a boyfriend, but I have a different kind of scale now. If you make me laugh, treat me like a princess, make me feel beautiful, etc...you're a potential partner. Looks are still important to me but they aren't first on my list. As long as you feel that your partner is attractive, that's really all that matters. The opinions of others are not required because they aren't dating your S/O...you are.
My scale of ratings takes more things into account than physical appearance. And for me, appearance is more specific than just "good looking". I like good teeth, good skin, good posture... those types of things. I like to think men rate me the same way... my package overall, not how good I'd look in a centerfold. And this varies depending on what people are looking for. For instance... I have two children. For some men, that would bring me down 3 points... for some it would bring me up.
That's the whole point of dating isn't it? To find the one who compliments you personally... not who is the best looking you can get.
My boyfriend is like this. Always saying I'm too good for him or that I am way out of his league. Of course, we've been dating for two years now so its more of a joke than anything, yet he still says it. I say, looks don't matter when it comes to dating someone. I think our personalities are in the same wonderful league and thats perfect for me :)
lol I would say that I was the friend just so the person I was talking to didn't feel butt hurt
Find something you're ridiculously better at than them (be it dancing, changing tires, calculus, what have you) and just think about how much they suck at it the next time you feel insecure. It'll work like a charm.
I literally laughed at this.
I do this at work, all the time. Not so much in my marriage.
I was told, through a drunken text message by a guy that I had briefly dated and then stayed friends with, that I was NEVER in his league. That it wasn't my fault though, he just had high standards. Oh, and that the ONLY reason he dated me to begin with was because my roommate was his boss, and he wanted to get on his good side.
How am I supposed to get over that and feel totally confident again? The girl he is dating now is someone we both knew, and she is really exotically beautiful. All I can think now is that, however attractive this girl is, I must be miles away from that. And I had never thought that before! I don't know why I think that his opinion of me matches everyone else's, but when I am meeting new guys I just keep seeing his texts in my mind, and hearing his voice saying them. He apologized to me when he was sober, but what he said was that no one should ever talk to me that way, not that he didn't mean what he said.
For a little background on the context of what he said, they came out of the blue unprovoked. He was leaving for a trip, and I texted him to say that I hoped he had a good last night in town. He said there were a ton of cougars in the bar. I said he should try one out! Let them be his sugar mama for a night. He said that they weren't up to his level. I said that it was his last night, so why be picky? Then he went off at me.