Monday, 02 July 2012
Do you have a cockblocker in your life? You know, that very special friend who has a habit of appearing at your side just as you’re about to seal a rather lucrative deal with the hot girl/guy at the bar? I’m sure it happens to everyone at some point but I want to know, do you have a serial cockblock that’s killing your sex life? Are you even aware of it?
Cockblocking popped up on my agenda yesterday, when a girl responded to my Sex Schedule post saying her kids are cockblocks. Totally inspired, I decided to undertake some very scientific research on Urban Dictionary to understand the true extent of cockblocking.
And I can report cockblocks come in all shapes, sizes and species.
1) The Cockblock Abu: The animal form of the cockblock. My roommate adopted the tiniest little “half pug half some sort of terrier” yesterday and I initially thought fuck, that dog is going to be a babe magnet. Now I’m concerned my poor roommate has acquired a canine Cockblock Abu:
“A Cockblock Abu, or CBA, is any person or creature that hinders the sexual conquests of his companion. The origin stems from the Disney classic, Aladdin, where Aladdin's advances at tapping Jasmine were constantly thwarted by the presence of his god-forsaken primate sidekick.”
2) The Cock Blockade: It’s a gender neutral phenomenon. It involves either a large group of women attempting to “protect" their friend from that total asshole at the bar (who isn't actually an asshole), or an army of men who take it upon themselves to target one of their friends, and try and make him as sexually unsuccessful as possible on a night out. I’ve definitely seen the female Cock Blockade in action. It generally involves five girls dragging the girl getting chatted up to the bathroom for no reason.
3) Cockblocked By Association: Along the lines of "you want to have sex with your brother's best friend but bros don’t do that to each other.” Can also arise if a best friend has dated someone who you really want.
4) Cockblockalips: I’m not convinced about this one. Cockblockalips consists of a vagina with such large labia that it cockblocks a guys penis from entering. Any Datingish readers willing to admit to being Cockblockalipped?
5) Cockblocked by Jesus: Self explanatory. Religious beliefs are the holy trinity of cockblocks. When it comes to Christianity, The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are making sure you’ve got absolutely no chance. Unless you propose.
6) Cockblock Stigmata: A pretty sneaky form of cockblocking, carried out by social media savvy individuals, primarily female. It involves the posting of messages, photos and status updates heavily featuring a potential fuck, even though the stigmata and the "potential fuck" aren’t in a relationship. Think about it like lions peeing around their territory, except you’re peeing around your potential fuck, using status updates.
7) Cockblock Your Own Cock: Probably the worst form of cockblocking, as it’s entirely self-inflicted. It involves being so close to scoring you can taste it, then saying something like, “I’m 32, I have a pet worm called Plelt who sleeps in my bed, and I live with my mum. I hope that’s not a problem for you. Let’s grab a taxi.”
8) Cockblocalypse: This is the cockblock equivalent of being kicked in the balls. You get so badly cockblocked by friend/foe/pet/yourself that the fallout of the cockblock is a complete loss of confidence in sexual prowess. The impact can last for weeks, if not months.
Do you have a cockblock that’s killing your sex life? Are you a cockblocker?