Monday, 25 June 2012
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How Do You Know If You're Ready to Be Engaged?
I don't see this topic come up often online unless I specifically look it up or bring it up in real life. I always hear about relationship advice for people whose relationships are going south, but what about those good, serious relationships?
How do you know when to take it to the next step? Do you think you should automatically know if it's the right thing to do, or like any other big step in life, is it normal to have doubts and fears but still be excited about it?I guess it depends on what you want in life; if you're ready for that type of commitment or not. Are you ready to give up some aspects of your life for your SO?
My boyfriend and I have been together for what seems like ages but in actuality, it has only been 6 months. He is in the Navy and currently on deployment (yes it's tough, but life goes on) but will be home very soon! He had asked me if I wanted to get engaged when he came home, which makes me happy that he asked in advance instead of just popping the question! It's a huge step in life that you don't just want to make on a whim!
Now, this man knows me inside and out and I know him just as well. We've known each other for much longer than 6 months, but had only started to officially date for 6 months. I know that I don't want to be with any other man in my life and he makes me very happy. Yes, we have our arguments but we compromise, meet in the middle, and everything is okay.
Now, based on that minus the stigma of how people think you should be with someone for a longer amount of time before even considering this, you would think, yeah! Why not! Get engaged!
Unfortunately, things are not that simple for reasons including that stigma. I stopped keeping track of how long we've been together because we are both convinced we are each other's soulmates and I have to stop and think about how long we've actually been together because like I said, it feels like years have gone by and I've known him all my life.
I feel that I am a logical person who doesn't do things that involve the matters of the heart on a whim. I am currently a sophomore in college who is lucky enough to have her parents pay for it all, but they refuse to pay for it if I get married, so I have to wait another 3 years before we could actually get married anyways.
But what is wrong with getting engaged? I never want to be with anyone else in my life yet at the same time I think, why rush to get engaged if you have to wait 3 years to get married? It is so confusing! I confessed to him all of my problems with getting engaged and that I was afraid. I told him I was afraid that if I got engaged, I'd miss out on my life. I would end up disappointed and unsatisfied with how I have lived my life.But that boils down to one simple question, "What do you want to do in your life?" I'm not talking careers and eventually having a family here, people. I'm talking about traveling, goals, things to do before you die, your bucket list! Do you want that college experience of partying and maybe one night stands just to experience it all? Do you want to backpack across the country or go sky diving?
Once you know the things you want to do before you die, are they things you want to do with a group of friends, an SO or maybe alone? These questions have helped me sort out whether or not I am ready to be engaged.
No matter how old you are or where you are in your life, it all depends on what you want for yourself. Even with all of the stigmas out there in the world--like the "order" in which these things should happen which, according to my family, is education, career, then family--only you know what is best for you and it depends on what you want in life and if you feel that you are ready for commitment.Commitment though, just to clarify, does not mean your social life should go down the drain. Yes, some things will change, but you should still be able to go out and do things with your friends whether or not your fiancé is there. You don't always have to do "couple" things. It's all about trust, and if you can't trust each other, don't even consider getting married, in my opinion! You can forgive, but you never forget!
So, ladies and gentlemen, how do you think it's suppose to work? Are you suppose to just know or like me, have your doubts and worries but still be excited and is that normal do you think? Or maybe you don't believe in marriage? Should it be spontaneous or would you rather know in advance?
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Comments (32)
*supposed.
I don't understand people who say " Well I want to see the world, travel ectect before I get married", why can't you do that with your SO? If you wanna be engaged, then go for it!
I think it's nice he asked in a way, depending on what you want. Some may like to be surprised and not see it coming but it sounds like you prefer not to have that. I personally like that my SO and I have talked about our future together instead of him springing that kind of question on me. We both now know that marriage and children is a possibility for us in the future but we're enjoying what we have right now as it is.
As far as should you just know? I don't know. I have doubts and worries but ultimately I like to think/hope that we'll work out and I'll look back on my doubts now and think it was all ridiculous fears. I'm still excited to see where we end up though. One way or another, it'll work out how it's meant to.
When you don't have a stupid reason for getting married.
Not "it's time",
Not "All my friends are engaged."
Not "I want to be the FIRST ONE!".
And especially NOT "Because I want to have a fairy tale wedding!"
You're ready when you've sat down alone, and thought about what your SO would do if there were a MAJOR issue. (
You're ready if you've already discussed the big decisions...like Are you planning to have kids? DO they want them too...or do they not see them in their future? That's way too big a thing to "hope" someone changes their mind about. And a "surprise" baby could end up ending your marriage...bad idea.
Are you both headed for the SAME future? If you want to spend your life working with the Peace Corps, and he wants to rule Wall Street and retire at 35 you don't have the same goals. Someone will not get what they want...and that too is a game changer.
Do you have any "unfinished business" emotionally? Something in your past that you wither evade, or relive? Doing so after you marry is an additional burden. One you don't need.
If there a anything you have hidden from your SO...something you are afraid will make them leave you? If the answer is Yes, then no...you're not ready. "Secrets" can sink relationships, and lies are a bad way to start the most important one of your life.
no one's ever fucking ready, at least not in this country. and that's why we have a 50% divorce rate. i thought this was obvious.
and please don't say "i'm gonna be different. i'm never going to get divorced." this is what everyone says. nobody gets married thinking "yeah, i'll divorce this person after a few more years."
I don't really think about getting married, to be honest. I mean, there are certain aspects of marriage that seem useful but it's not something that I'm really willing to go through unless there are extenuating circumstances.
Your never truly ready its an act of faith and you'll learn to grow and love each other more. This might get me in trouble with some Xangans but I got engaged to my husband after only knowing each other 2 weeks, and we got married 4 months later. Life is wonderful, we've been married 3 1/2 years and I can say I may not have been 100% ready but I can guarantee it was the best decision I ever made.
you'll know when you know. if you don't know, don't go.
-inspired by the mad hatter
Getting engaged is a promise to get married. It's not "we can break off the engagement if we change our minds." You can, but that's pretty bad form, especially because that's what the dating/going steady part of the relationship is for. So, you're ready to get engaged when you're ready to get married...maybe the timing isn't right for financial or educational or health reasons--reasons that don't have to do with you, but with your circumstances--and you put off the actual ceremony for better times, but in all other ways, you should actually be ready to say "I do" when you get engaged.
When does that happen? I don't personally know, but I've heard 'at least one year' which seems like a good guideline, generally. I've also heard 'one big life transition' e.g. HS to college, college to grad school and/or real life; that one sounds even better to me. Personally, there are things I need to do to know I'm compatible with a person, and that includes living together, traveling together, planning something (a party, a trip) together, going through some difficult time and helping each other through it, talking about family-related topics. Some of these take time to happen and can't be rushed or set up; you just have to wait for life to throw something at you and see if your partner lives up to their promises.
I'm not trying to say that your partner won't, or that you're a bad couple, or that an engagement will destroy you. But, if none of these things are true, then you don't need an engagement to keep you together. Give it a year or two. Let things happen to you and see how you fare; you won't love each other less without a ring involved.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY
Let's break your problem down into smaller problems.
1. Your parents won't pay for your education if you get married while you're still in school ::
Talk to your parents. Maybe after having an open an honest conversation about where your future is headed, but ensuring them that you'll still take school seriously, they'll feel better...and//or possibly change their minds.
2. You've only been dating for six months. But you've known each other a lot longer.::
The fact is romance between two people changes the relationship they had previously. It's great that you've gotten to know each other well, but I'd consider dating for a while longer, just to be safe and sure.
I met my fiance my junior year of college and I knew he was the right one for me early on in our relationship. My parents were also not happy with the idea of being engaged while in school because it has the potential to take the focus from education on put it on your love life. We continued dating, moved in together as soon as I graduated and got engaged a year later.
I don't think there's anything wrong with getting engaged if you're sure about it. But unfortunately while you're being financially supported by your parents, you'll have to agree to what they want, at least for the time being.
I hope I've helped you... good luck to you!
To me, most of your worries and doubts are things that only involve yourself. So maybe you should try getting over them before you agree to marry your SO. If you're in love and you don't see yourself being with anyone else, then there shouldn't be a problem with getting engaged. I suggest you graduate college before you agree to get married though. My boyfriend wants to propose to me but I told him I'm not accepting any proposal until I graduate from college. The way I see it, if he really wants to be with me, he can wait until I graduate. I, too, don't see myself being with anyone else. It just seems sensible to graduate college first and then take the next step with him.
That is way too much thinking. lol. First, how awkward that he asked you like that. lol. Freakin' throw in some romance, jeeeeez! No wonder there is all this wondering on what is right and whatnot! No true joy or surprise!
Anyway, I would forget everyone and their mothers opinions and stick to my own beliefs. If I feel why, not, I'm ready, fuck the rest of the worlds opinion!!!My boyfriend asked me to move in with him at around 7 months I believe it was. Only having given me a key the week prior to asking me to live with him. @_@ We discussed it, decided, and now I live there and I know it's for all the right reasons. You gotta do things that feel right and best for you. :) With that said, ask him to properly propose and do it if you want to.Those are all definitely good things to consider to weigh in on whether you want to be engaged or not. If you feel like you may want to explore and live out your life without him by your side for the rest of your life from this moment on, then it may not be the right time to get engaged yet. If there is any amount of doubt, then don't. At least not yet. Marriage is something you should be 100% sure of, in that this is what you both want to do. I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who had the least bit of doubt in whether he should marry me or not.
People do things in different orders, but to me it makes sense to get schooling done first, get a stable career, then get married, start a family. That's what I'm aiming for but who knows how things will work out. Marriage is definitely not something to take lightly. Engagement is also a great time to see how you two are together, if getting married is something you really want to do. You already have doubts so I say wait. Don't feel obligated or pushed into something you're not entirely comfortable with right now.
You are very young, embrace your youth! Marriage doesn't and shouldn't be rushed into, especially when you have that desire to 'live out your life'. That's how I am too. But I can't speak for how I'll be when I meet who I see as my soul mate, I haven't met him yet. There's nothing wrong with waiting longer and it's good he's asking you ahead of time and letting you think about it. As my dad reminds me, "marriage is a very, very long time".
"they refuse to pay for it if I get married, so I have to wait another 3 years before we could actually get married anyways. "
Why don't you just get married at the courthouse? It's very cheap.
i think you said it just right. "only you know what is best for you." i enjoy being where i'm at in my relationship. we've been together for 4 years, we own a house together, and run a business together. we're practically married, but not even engaged yet. our families bring it up more often than we do! we both talk openly about it and we know we are going to be married one day, there is no question. i believe whenever HE wants to pop the question will be okay for me. it's actually a lot more exciting that i have no clue when we plan on getting engaged, so when he asks, it will still be a very pleasant surprise despite me knowing that i'm gonna be with him forever anyway. nothing will really change other than a ring, which obviously isn't the most important thing in the world. but i think once we do get engaged, it'll probably mean marriage is not far off, i'd say maybe a year afterwards would be ideal. all in all, it's up to you and as long as you're both communicating like you are, things will probably work out very well. :)
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - It's even worse when people tell a young couple that they need to live a little and have some "fun" before they get married. Just because you get married doesn't mean you stop living or having fun. It just means you get to start living with and for someone and having fun with them!
@xhalesx@revelife - agreed
"when you know, you know" as a really wise friend blogged.
she says that peoples reactions reflect on themselves as a person.
it is either
"omg so young, you got to live a little" - unmarried
"when you know, you know" - married couples.
congrats. all the best! wishing you all the happiness~
I say graduate college first - having your family help you through school is something you should NOT give up - those student loans will kill you. If you both are ready for a life long commitment, then being committed without a ring is no big deal. :)
I'm in a similar situation. I'm currently a sophomore in college, too, and because of how well I've been doing, I'm completely paid for. I have about two years left... and if I get married, I will lose all of my money for school. All $20,000 of it per year. I just can't do that. It would be such a silly, silly thing to do. Would I rather wait two years and graduate debt-free, or would I rather get married now and be up to my eyeballs in a debt I know I couldn't pay off? Unfortunately, for logical reasons, I have to choose the former. I want to be married right now, but we still have two years. He's ready. I'm ready. We're living together now. He just moved down south from up north to be with me. I think he'll be proposing within the next year. I'm not planning a big fancy wedding or anything. I just want to be his wife.
You know it's right when you know it's right. My aunt told me, "You should be together at least for all of the seasons before you make a decision like that." It's a good rule to follow... see how everyone is during different times of the year. I've followed it. We've been together for a year and two weeks, and we're very happy. Is it a bit of a bummer we have to wait a couple of years to marry? Yes. But will it be worth it? Definitely. We will have the rest of our lives to spend together, so we're just taking this school thing as a blessing in disguise and waiting eagerly.
Good luck to you, girly! :)
I was ready to wed my boyfriend when I first laid eyes on him. Haha. But seriously. My boyfriend and I started talking about getting married 5 months after we started dating. And we would have gotten married sooner. But, he wasn't able to provide for us, so here we are 3 years later and hopefully getting married by the end of the year.
I guess when you put it that way, being engaged isn't something you are ready for or not ready for. If you know the person is right, any time in the relationship is a good time to get engaged, as long as you know that this is the person you want to marry.
thank you for all of the advice :) I appreciate everyone's opinion and perspective!
I feel I'm in a similiar situation. My boyfriend (who's also Military, and away) and I have been together 'officially' for almost 9 months. But we've been best friends for over 5 years, and fell in love back then.
We're both 23 and not looking to get married anytime soon. We're moving in together when his contract ends in October. If things continue as they are, I imagine he'll propose. We've made it clear we intend to be with eachother for the foreseeable future.
It's a huge step. Especially at our age. I'm very good at separating my emotions and dissecting situations. So I'm confident in myself to make the right choice when it comes.
I look at it this way. Waiting 3 years might suck, but having a ring or a piece of paper isn't going to change how you two treat each other. And if it does, then you're not ready to get married.