A couple of my older friends and I went out to a later dinner last night and the topic of personal relationships came up--either ones that we're in or that we're surrounded by.
One friend brought up a riff that has recently come up in her marriage. While she's often supportive of her husband's ideas, his recent decision to join the coast guard has caused the two to butt heads. She isn't at all happy with that idea and he seems very determined to make that newfound goal a reality (past goals have included, sailing, flying, etc.).
The other friend mentioned his siblings' current marriage crises. One sister has an alcoholic husband and has finally reached her tolerance limit after he disappeared on a 3-day bender. The other sister had her husband threaten to leave her if she didn't get out of this depression that seemed to drag him down too.
(I don't know too many details about their marriages or how long they've been together, but I'd imagine well over five or ten years.)
Alcoholism and depression hit me a little closer to home than I'd like to talk about, and hearing about marriages falling apart because of them really upsets me.
While you often have to keep your best interests at heart, it would be damnably hard to leave someone in need of help and support.
What would you do in these situations--what would you do if your SO made a big, life-changing decision you didn't agree with? How would you handle an SO who's battling alcoholism or depression? Have you ever been in a similar situation?
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Comments (24)
If they've done everything they could to try to help them, and its taking a tole on their marriage as well as the individual then its time to go. You can only be around somebody whose depressed for so long before it starts effecting you in a negative way.
I think I would attempt to do everything I could to help or sort it out, but if that doesn't help at all then you have to let go, especially if the other person doesn't make an effort to help in some way as well. There's a quote I think would fit perfect in some situations like this:
"There comes a time when you have to leave people behind and just let them know that you care and there's only so much love you can give somebody until they drag you down with them"
"For better or until I can't take it anymore,
For richer or middle class as long as I can afford my shopping habits,
In mild, manageable sickness and health,
To tolerate and occasionally be amused by,
Until divorce do us part."
if i had gotten to the point where i had done everything possible, and the other person's actions were essentially ruining my life... yeah, i'd leave them. i don't see divorce as a bad word, though, so i'm much more open to the idea that the only marriages that should last forever are GOOD marriages. there's no shame in admitting you made a mistake and chose the wrong person.
I don't see why people force themselves to stay in relationships where they are not happy. It's not a personal failing to not be with someone until you die. If it works out, great, but people change all the time for better or worse. I'm not going to allow myself to stagnate or make myself miserable for the sake of tradition.
I don't think divorce is necessarily a bad thing. Why stay with someone who makes you miserable? People change. Not all relationships and marriages are going to last forever. I'd rather leave and have a chance to be happy again than stick with someone just because we're "married".
Support him.
You support and stand by that person until it starts to negatively affect you. If you don't think you can do that, then you don't get married in the first place.
As a former addict & someone dealing with a couple friends with current addiction issues, I will say it severely weighs on the person trying to help & I can see where they get to the point where they want to leave. It doesn't mean it's right, but I can definitely see their reasoning. It's so difficult to trust an addict time after time after time when most of what they're concerned about is scoring. You just don't care. You want your fix, & being sober means facing emotions, fights & issues that you've been putting off. Some can't do it, others do it for awhile, relapse & have the hardest time getting clean again. It's an exhausting cycle that seems so never ending. Everything's going ok & then once again, they're gone, giving themselves up to drugs. Again. & while they're wasted you're left sober & lucid so you have to be the one to pick up the pieces, fix what they may have screwed up & to get them in the right mindset again. It's an emotional rollercoaster for sure because when they get clean you so want to trust them, to get your hopes up & think for once that everything is going to be ok.. & then it's even harder to wonder if they're going to die. That's the scariest part of all.
If they made a commitment to each other to work on their marriages and themselves, they owe it to each other to stick it out. The coast guard issue requires respect for each other as individuals to seek fulfillment in their lives balanced with how the decision would affect the other partner and the marriage. Motives need to be discussed. Why does he, why doesn't she? A compromise needs to be made. The sister with the alcoholic husband needs to join AA or similar group and learn how not to be an enabler. Her husband clearly needs help and in this case if he doesn't seek to end the destruction of their marriage, she just might have to leave him until he gets well. She can't change him. The husband who threatened to leave his wife because of her depression really bothered me. But I don't have all the details to condemn him. But it seems to me that if he committed to her for better or worse in sickness and in health (in whatever words they used in the ceremony) he needs to help her get well otherwise he is a total ass-whole and deserves to have nobody.
life changing decision: voice you opinions, make a plan on any changes necessary (in the sense of financially) and eventually support him. If what he is doing doesn't go against your beliefs, then I can't see why there would be such an extreme issue about it. Like this scenario would be different if the husband wanted to become a pimp :p
depression: get all required help. someone with depression is essentially drowning, you can't always pull them out either but it would be nice to have someone by your side. It takes a toll, but there are support groups for family that have SO that have mental illnesses. alcoholic: my ex was an alcoholic and he's an ex for a reason. he was becoming verbally abusive and I often wonder if it would have progressed to physical. So in this situation, you have to put your well being and safety first.The only thing you can do in these situations is support eachother, or make the decision to leave if it's going to permenantly leave you in a rut.
If she deprives him of doing the things he loves, that's unhealthy and unloving I think.
If he's depressed and can't get out of it, she is probably a huge part of the problem. They live together, share a life together, and he isn't happy with it in some way. If she's helped and worked through it with him to the best of her abilities, maybe it's time to move on. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Alchoholism, I won't tolerate one bit. I've seen too many people fall apart because of it, marriages, family, friendships even. Just like any other addiction, unless that person with the problem is going to do something about it, get the hell out of there.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - you forgot "wandering eyes" in that last part.
i don't know what i would do bc every situation is different and everyone is different. i used to think it was so easy to put myself in someone's shoes but as i have aged, i've learned to look at everything in so many different kinds of angle.
Hm depression and life changing decisions are something I think I could deal with. Alcoholism on the other hand is something I REALLY don't want to deal with and would be a big deal breaker. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I know it isn't pretty, and not something I want to deal with again. Maybe a little harsh, but it's not for me.
addiction, adultery, abuse - those things would be my deal breakers if i were married :(
i really want to avoid a divorce, so i know that i will do all that i can to hold up MY part of the relationship unless it comes to one of those things. of course, not all divorce is mutual, you never know when the other person might just up and leave, so who knows. (yay, my parents are divorced and i'm broken :/)
Marriage is marriage.. Leaving for the Coast Guard is not an act of marriage.
Hubby and I both have suicidal tendencies and have a history of cutting ourselves. We knew that about one another long before we got married.
Drinking couldn't even START to be a problem. If he ever did hit me (yeah right), I'd probably just hit him back and that would be that. Actually, realistically he'd end up freaking the hell out and crying.
From my end, I really don't think there's anything he could dish out
that I couldn't handle at this point. If he left me, that would be his
choice and not mine. The only "me or x" that I have is him going into weapons design. I don't want any part of that and he chose me early on.
Too many people marry without really considering the true nature of the commitment. They will spend more time looking at cars or shoes to buy versus taking a long hard look at what it means to make a true marriage commitment.
As a result, when any real problems spring up, folks are more inclined to look for exits rather than really try hard to resolve any issues.
Society fails us since it teaches us how to get married, but not how to "be" married and be successful in it.
You have no choice in a marriage but to make your wants/ideas known.....but in the end you still have to support your partner in anything he/she chooses to do. You would expect the same from your spouse.
I think a married couple should do all they can to make their marriage work, while a non-married relationship doesn't need to work as hard, since you never formally promised each other life-long love. I think that divorce should be a last resort.
However, it takes two people to make a marriage work. If one partner really isn't honoring the contract, I think the other should be able to be freed from the contract.
Divorce isn't an option to me. The phrase "for better and for worse" does actually mean something! "Till death do us part" isn't a metaphor.
I was recently talking to one of my friends and I inquired about why his nearly decade long relationship ended and he said "we didn't want the same things in life." I understand that marriage is about compromise but a line has to be drawn somewhere. When one party is completely miserable because of another, what's the point? Battling addiction is difficult, yes, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to beat. However, you can never get anywhere if you don't get up and go. It's only a problem if the people don't want to try.
Sorry I don't think joining the Coast Guard should be an issue. She should be proud. But yes she'll have to make sacrifices.
There is only so much you can do about addictions.
And depression, that's messed up to walk away from someone who needs your love more than ever.