Sunday, 17 June 2012
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Is it Weird That I Don't Let Being Raped Bother Me?
This post was submitted anonymously by a Datingish user.
I was discussing the subject of rape with one of my friends this week. I told her for some reason at the time that it happened, it didn't really bother me. This happened in 2007. Yeah, I was mad he forced himself on me even though I clearly said no, but I never let that situation take over my life. I've also been molested previously, too, but this doesn't stop me from finding someone to trust who will treat me right.I've often read that so many people allow these situations to never trust someone intimately again. The way I see it, I wouldn't want to keep thinking about that situation, especially if it was a hurtful one. I guess I've been busying myself lately to not let my mind wander and let things like that bother me. I'd want to move on from it instead of building up a wall and not letting anyone in and being alone.
Luckily nothing life changing ever happened like me contracting an STD or a baby so I was able to fully move on without thinking much about it. I mean, I let so called "friends" who ditch me bother me way more than a guy I barely know raping me.I was wondering if anyone else was raped and whether or not they were bothered by it over all? If so, please don't let that situation ruin your life if you are able to move on with no strings attached. There are people who will treat you right in the world. Don't let one person make you think everyone is like that.
You don't have to share your story if you think this is a too personal of a question.
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Comments (69)
There's not one right answer on how someone handles being raped. You're lucky that you are able to think that way. Hopefully in the future, you won't start having anxiety about it. Sometimes people can put in the back of their mind for years and then it will manifest years later. Good luck going forward and living your life.
I'm glad you were able to move on. However, one of my biggest pet peeves is the phrase "don't let it bother you." I know some people might disagree with me, but people don't always get to decide how they feel. And telling someone not to let something bother them is implying that if it does bother them, then they aren't trying hard enough, or they have the wrong attitude, and to someone who is already struggling with something difficult, that can be a huge slap in the face. Some people just feel things really intensely.
Yes, I do think it's sad when something like abuse or rape totally ruins a person's ability to trust, but it's not like that person can just flip a switch and be the innocent, carefree person they supposedly were before. Healing can be a very long process.
Like I said, I'm glad you were able to move on, and that you are still able to trust. But others who reacted differently aren't necessarily wrong or weak. (Not that you were flat out saying that, but that is kind of how it came across.)
"I guess I've been busying myself lately to not let my mind wander and let things like that bother me." - it seems like it does bother you but you are trying to keep your self busy. It is good to keep busy, but it isnt good to keep things bottled up, especially things like molestation and rape. I dont know I would ever tell someone not to let rape or sexual abuse take over their life, but I would say they need to deal with it (in thier own way) and hopefully find healing in some manner, and be able to trust again. I might be guessing, but it doesn't seem normal for someone to be so "at-ease" with being molested or raped. I would think either they are trying to distract and distance them self and/or they have deeper childhood trauma. Please dont take this as an attack on your or your blog, I am using your writing as a way to look at a broader issue, of all females who face such things. I cant believe men do such things. It really bothers and angers me, especially since stats say it is someone close to them, normally a family member.
It's okay if it bothers you. I had a girlfriend who was raped. The first night I slept with her we didn't have sex. Instead I just held her. I was not aware of her past at the time. But from what she told me at the time she was damaged. She needed comforting. She cried in my arms. I was happy to provide her the opportunity to let it out. It's okay to be weak sometimes. I have to remind myself of this every now and then.
No one can tell you how to feel. Everyone experiences things differently and that's okay. Just always be open and honest with yourself and those you trust about how you're feeling and I think you'll be alright.
I don't think it's strange. Plenty of people react the same way. It's totally normal.
In these situations, it's always going to be a part of you but never defines who you are unless you allow it to.There is no right or wrong answer to this question because everyone is unique. It is normal to feel numb. It is normal to have a complete breakdown. It is normal to accept that it happened and be able to move on from it right away. There is no manual for surviving rape. I hope that in the future that the feelings don't catch up to you and that it does start to bother. Please know that that is a normal reaction as well. In the past, some of the stuff that happened before I was raped when I was 19 didn't really bother me that much, but they do now. It doesn't change how I relate to other people, but I do feel anger that I didn't feel before, but I know how to deal with that anger in a way that is constructive.
There's no one right way to react to being sexually assaulted. Everyone experiences it differently.
People react to different things differently. Just be aware that this can come up later, when you least expect it and if it does don't hesitate to seek help.
Honestly, I think on some level you
arebothered by this. How can you not be? Someone forced themselves on you sexually. That does leave emotional scars whether you realize it or not; or in this case
acknowledgethem. You said here "I guess I've been busying myself lately to not let my mind wander and let things like that bother me. " Which, as another comment has already said - implies that the reason you may feel "not bothered" by the rape is because you may have not allowed yourself to think about it. For fear it will truly bother you? For fear of becoming another person who doesn't trust another intimately? I don't know.
There is no shame in being bothered by what happened to you by the way. I feel the need to voice that. You are a victim & you may think that by busying yourself & feeling like this doesn't bother you is the healthy way to go about it - but it will ultimately only be healthy if you can acknowledge that it does bother you. I only say this because I kind of feel like from what you said..you're not thinking about it in order to "get on with your life", therefore in my opinion how can you really heal?However, as others have stated everyone reacts differently to a traumatic event in their life. Do what you feel is right. If it's not thinking about it & you are able to move on & be happy, by all means do so.
It's weird in the sense that you're just rubbing it off, unlike most rape victims would. But I also think it's great that you're not letting those moments from your past affect your life now. You're trying to move past and move on. I say congratulations to that!
I got really drunk one night and the next thing i know i wake up next to a kid i never met and i look on the floor and theres another kid I've never met and all three of us were naked. it bothered me when it happened but now everyone around me(that i told) thinks of me as a virgin still but idt i am but i don't even remember it idk I'm so confused as to what to tell someone if I'm a virgin or not
I've never been raped, but I was sexually assaulted at one point. I was 17 I think and dating this guy really casually. We ended up hooking up one night and he tried to push himself on me and take it further. I kept insisting that he stopped and he did eventually stop, but still made me give him head before he let me leave. I never saw him again, but last I heard he was riding his bike to and from his job because he got a DUI (hahaha). I was always really careful with the situation. I didn't talk about it with anyone for a few years probably and when I finally did I realized that I was kind of in the same situation as you. I didn't want it to affect me the way I saw it affect other people. Everyone deals with situations differently. I do think that everyone needs to face situations like these when it happens and at least let yourself absorb it fully, but that doesn't mean you need to let it affect your life super negatively. It's good to face things and move on past them.
There is no "normal" reaction to trauma. You are free to process it and handle it in whatever way works best for you.
Like everyone has said so far, it's only "weird" because it does "bother", or have a serious effect, on most people who have been raped. You should be happy that you are able to not let such a thing hold you back, but at the same time you should really try not to busy yourself from the thought of what happened. Sometimes that's basically ignoring the whole situation when you should really address what happened and think about how you really feel about it. If you can seriously think back to it and find that you're still able to not let it hold you back or are able to move on from such a situation and accept that it happened, then you will be one of the few who isn't really bothered by what happened.
In my opinion you are a strong person for being able to still live your life the way you want after something like that.
it hasn't happened to me but I experienced something else that was traumatic to me that is a personal matter. I let it bother me and I let myself feel all of the emotions, all of the extremely negative emotions that nobody wants to feel, but I feel all of the pain and whatever else, then gradually get over it. I can't just get over it cold turkey because it was a process for me. if your way works for you, then okay. I wrote in my notebook journal, I cried, I was angry, I was restless, and everything that I dreaded to feel but felt. I'd read my journal sometimes and break down crying during the time that the memories were still fresh. I felt like I wanted to die because the emotions were overwhelming and draining me. after about a year and half later, I re-read my journal entries, and I felt this urge to shred the journal to pieces, and then I felt a heavy burden lifted off of me and I let go. I've moved on since then and it no longer makes me feel the way that I used to but I feel neutral about it now. I think if I subdued my feelings, then have emotional flashbacks later on, I'd probably randomly snap and do crazy things. but I took time to heal and cope, then resurrected stronger
I haven't been raped before but throughout my lifetime I have been sexually harassed so many times that I lost count...it happens on my way to school, at home, at work.....as a child I would pack my stuff and go somewhere where i feel is safe like sleep over at a family or a friend's house when I sense something bad.....to this day I still sleep with the doors locked and look around when I am alone.....I feel that it is okay not to trust or trust so easily so bad things won't happen or won't happen again...to me it's always better to be safe than sorry
I was a victim of child on child sexual abuse. I didn't even know they had a term for it. Apparently, it's why I destroy every relationship I get involved in. I suppose that will never change, but I guess it's good to know the reason behind my behavior.
I was raped by my then fiancee. He got on top of me while I was reading and proceeded to rape me anally. It took me several years, and two different therapists, to get over the damage that he caused. It wasn't about how he physically hurt me, but how he emotionally and mentally hurt me. It took me the longest time to trust another man again. I hurt so much that I almost didn't even trust my own father. Needless to say, being raped by a stranger is 100% different than being raped by the person you trust with everything, so much to the point that you were planning on sharing a life together.
A "best friend" betrayed my trust in the ultimate way. Though I don't think about it often, but when the subject is brought up in conversation, in a movie, or a book, etc. I do think about it and it does bother me. It pisses me off that something so brief bothers me so much and comes up so unexpectedly. I don't think it has affected my relationships or my trust (to a large extent), and it doesn't come up on the daily, so I'm grateful for that. But every couple months, once a month, or sometimes several times within a month something will trigger that memory and it does upset me. The worst is when he comes home from college and is so happy to see me. There's only one thing I can think about when he hugs me. Obviously I avoid that as much as possible.
I've been raped multiple times and it still affects me. But every survivor reacts differently. There's no right or wrong answer to this question because different people will always have different reactions. My sister was attacked a few years ago in college and when I called her crying, she said "you don't need to cry. I've already cried for it, and the only thing to do is move on."
I've got physical and psychic scars from my trauma, partly because my sister was raped right next to me by the same man and the next time it happened, I was threatened with my sister being murdered.
There are times when I can go through days without thinkning about it, but there are days when I see the physical scars and that's when it hits me.
I am happy that you have gotten through this. It takes a strong person to do so.
I think it does bother you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this. But that's totally normal. You went through a BIG thing and of course you're going to be scarred from it. I know you say you're fine, but if you were, you wouldn't have posted this. You'd have just had that conversation with your friend and moved on to something else. It might not actively be affecting you right now, but be prepared for it to come up and cause problems at some point in the future - and anything could trigger it. It's okay to be hurt and it's okay for it to affect you. Don't be scared to admit it.
If you've seriously looked into this and explored how it makes you feel and how it has affected you, and you're able to move on then more power to you. That's really heavy.
I had a family member attempt to molest me when I was younger, the weight of it didnt hit me until years later....be prepared for that. It doesnt happen to everyone, but it does happen
I truly hope you have been able to move on from this horrible experience. Like you I was sexually molested (for years) as well as raped and thought I was "over it." I feel I was until I was well into this relationship then everything came flooding back like a hurricane. I am in therapy to deal with the flashbacks etc and I am lucky enough to be able to discuss this with my S.O. (not in detail as he hurts for me) about what causes flashbacks etc.
I hope you have talked to someone about your experience in depth and not just supressed it. Until you find yourself in a relationship and not staying busy you can't say for sure that the rape didn't or won't bother you. I hope for your sake that you are strong enough that it doesn't :)