Tuesday, 12 June 2012
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Quiet Couples
This post has been submitted by Datingish reader, Delilah.
After three years of being in a relationship, I noticed that my boyfriend and I barely talk while dining at a restaurant or out in public in general. Maybe even at home! Everyone else who had some form of company at a restaurant would be chatting. Our eyes, however, are usually either directed at our food or wandering off into space.
I sometimes deem them awkward silences, but sometimes I figure it's because we're both highly introverted and focused on school-work more than outside activities and people. If we did find free time, we would be doing something together--like getting groceries, watching a movie, describing our school work, or taking a silent stroll: We talk out of necessity more often than for small talk.Is this uncommon? Taboo? Do you think it's something to work on? Or are we allowed to respect our natural silence as something acceptable in the relationship?
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Comments (50)
Some are okay with "comfortable silences". If you are holding back your voice that are crucial things that need to be shared, that may be unhealthy. But if this silence is something okay between the two of you then it shouldn't be a problem.
As long as things that need to be communicated are communicated and everyone is happy, I don't see a problem with it.
All relationships are different. If this works for you guys, then great! :)
when my boyfriend and I are eating we tend to be more focused about our foods! xD we tend to do everything together so sometimes talking about the things we do don't really happen. just like how we don't talk on the phone every night because it's completely unnecessary.
if it really bothers you or you think it dulls your relationship you can always have some time apart, do something fresh, something inspiring and come back for some conversation.
I almost never have dinner with my friends because I find it kinda boring. We usually watch movies or something instead. Maybe try doing more stuff where you don't hafta talk. It might make it more fun.
My boyfriend and I wrestle and spit... pull hair when we're together. I love it.
Everyone has their own "thing." if being quiet is yours, then it's what you've got.However, many others don't. I find our interactions completely healthy.
I'm the chattiest person ever, I can see someone every day and still have something to talk about so when there's silence it means there's a problem. Not that there's times like watching a movie or whenever when I don't talk continuously...but if we went out to dinner there would be talking. BUT that's just me, if you guys aren't chatty but you're happy that way then don't worry :)
I think it's perfectly normal, especially during meals, though I usually take turns talking and eating. I love being able to have a conversation, but that comfortable silence is just as good :)
you've become comfortable with your usual silence, so respect it
when I was in school, some loud mouthed kids would sometimes hound me about why I don't talk as much, and it was rude and obnoxious. maybe if they'd shut up sometimes, then they wouldn't find the lack of noise weird. the double standard is annoying. loud people often asking why a quiet person doesn't talk as if something is wrong with the person when you already know the person is quiet when I'm in the same classes as some of them and they know that's how I am. or fat people asking me me why I'm so skinny as if something else is wrong with me when I don't look sick at all, it is because they are too fat. but if skinny people do the same, they get mad like I know I'm fat, but I know I'm skinny, too. some people need to listen and take a look at themselves more before they get all in other peoples' business. that was a rant. your situation is okay if you think it is okay for you personally and he is, too:D
There is a difference between never having anything to say and not very talkative. As long as you two communicate with each other effectively what needs to be said, I don't see a problem with being quiet, considering you and him feel just fine behaving as such.
Actually, my boyfriend and I were just discussing this while at a restaurant a couple days ago. He asked me if I noticed that we don't talk while eating anymore, which I replied with "Yeah. Because it's not awkward for us to be quiet anymore. We don't have to come up with random things just to keep a conversation rolling."
As long as it's not that uncomfortable feeling, then you should just go with it. We've been together 5 years. We like to enjoy our food, we don't need to converse while eating!
It depends on if it's a comfortable silence or an awkward silence. I have gotten very comfortable with silences with my boyfriend. We have silent car rides at times and silent dinners. It's okay. It's not uncommon. It's a good feeling to know you don't have to say anything at all and still be so in love.
As long as you're happy in your relationship, who cares.
i won't lie, i think introverts are a bunch of fucking losers with boring personalities and nothing of value to contribute conversationally. i question all the time how any of you (guys, at least) get laid.
Hey, food is important! I'd be concentrating on it too, haha. And don't worry, my parents are the same and they've been married 27 years - not everyone has to be loud and chatty if you guys are happy, there's NOTHING wrong with your relationship. I know other people might say you're weird or a loser or whatever, but honestly, you're not. Different things work for different people, so as long as you're happy, who cares?!
ummm does that mean you're bored of eachother or what...?
idk my bf and i do almost everything together, but still we always just talk... maybe it's small talk but maybe it's not. i feel like we enjoy sharing our thoughts with eachother though, so i guess that's why we are always talking
i feel like girls just tend to like to talk more.
before everyone gets on my ass about this, i should probably clarify. quiet silences with your sweetheart--totally fine. everyone does it. what gets on my nerves is when i try to have a conversation with someone i don't know well, and that person doesn't reciprocate. my boss is quite the introvert and definitely has funny things to say since we are forced to sit with each other 40 hours a week, but i'd have never hung out with him for more than 3 minutes based on first impressions. and, unless i have some overriding reason to hang out with such a person, i am never given a reason to do so.
then there's also the people who i meet and tell me they want to hang out, but then getting them to do so is like pulling fucking teeth. either they're too tired, or it's too far, or they have some bullshit excuse for not wanting to come out of their apartments.
so, given the option, i will generally prefer to stay away from the introverts, though i have invested the time in the past on occasions (and will continue to do so in the future).
I can't relate because I'm a chatty person. However, I agree with what the majority have said: as long as you two are comfortable with the silence and are communicating things that need to be said, it's perfectly fine:)
If you both feel comfortable with the silence, then you shouldn't worry about it. If you find yourself getting bored, then there's a problem!
As long as it works for you and your relationship it is fine.
I am an introvert, he is an extrovert. We are both chatty and silent depending on any given day.
We have been together for 9 years this year. When we are chatting we talk about work, family, news and whatever else comes to mind. When we are less chatty and happen to be at a meal we usually talk about the food we are eating. I have a passion for food, and he has a passion for going out, so that makes a solid match.
I'm comfortable with the silence, he tends to find it a little uncomfortable.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - my boss hasn't said more than 5 words to me, because I don't think the big boss is suppose to get buddy-buddy with employees. however, the other bosses that are under him that report to one another do interact and have personal convos with employees. that's probably why I have a crush on THE boss, because he is mysterious like the wizard of oz
that's why some say that it is "lonely at the top" because in order to remain professional and have this "perfect" image, he shouldn't get too personal with employees and possibly reveal his hidden jerk side
the lower level bosses, whom I've talked to and gotten to know often gave me the two-faced impression after I got to know them. I'd like to keep the naively "perfect" perception of my crush for now
that's what schoolgirl daydreams are all about.
they probably aren't introverts, but flakers, who decide to hang out but not with the original person/people that they said that they would hang out with. so they choose someone else and ditch you at the last minute. I've flaked before but that's because I decided that I didn't want to watch that movie that bad after all and it would be a waste of money. suggesting to watch something else wasn't really an option, because the person really wanted to watch spiderman and I didn't care
I told the person to have fun instead of the real reason. the person had someone else to go with, so no biggie. it was a fangroup thing or something. not my thing. so maybe the places or activities that you suggest just isn't their thing. they could suggest what they like, but being the opposite personality, you probably wouldn't like what they like either. so rather than tolerating the other person, find people, who are compatible.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga -
Not ALL introverts are boring (though some are really odd that is for sure).
I am most certainly an introvert socially, but I have some very interesting aspects of my life and personality.
I just tend to not go out partying often, or if I do, I like to have a day to recharge at home.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - haha no, my boss and my "contemporary" and i are definitely buddy-buddy (in the office, at least...i'd never hang out with him outside). we have the most ridiculous discussions. like just a few minutes ago, we were trying to figure out what the neighborhood distance is for girls to synchronize their menstrual cycles. we imagine that in a dorm with 100 girls, you're not all going to bleed all over the bathroom at the same time.
unfortunately, we have some female new hires coming in, so the days of fun are soon coming to an end :(
@HopeWithinReach@xanga - yeah i still didn't phrase it properly (this is what happens when i try to write on 3 1/2 hours of drunk sleep at 6 in the morning). what i mean to say is, if i'm not convinced someone's interesting within the first few minutes of talking to him or her, what motivation do i have to stay when i can find someone else who's capable of holding a conversation? in other words, even if the person has many interesting aspects to his or her personality or life experiences (or whatever), if it's not communicated to me, i have no reason to believe that that's the case. does that make sense? i probably shouldn't have said you're all fucking losers, though--i'll own up to that (though i think i know why i said it at that moment).
the other aspect to this is that most people will not tell you outright "i don't want to talk to you." so generally, if i'm speaking to someone (particularly a girl) and i feel like that person isn't trying to talk to me, i'd rather go than sit there and awkwardly try to force a conversation with someone who could very well be trying to make me go away.
by the way, i find it interesting that every time i have this discussion with someone on here, the introverts seem to believe that socializing requires drinking and partying. you can have a fulfilling, vibrant social life without alcohol too...
Some people seem to be able to talk even when there's nothing to talk about. I have family members like that.. there is no way any activity with them would be silent. I'm more quiet though, I don't usually feel the need to fill every silence. So if you guys are both like that, and you're both happy with it, then there's no problem.