I know I haven't written for a while. I needed a break to re-group and get my head on straight.... But, drama and dilemmas never seem to stop following me around.
I have a guy friend--we met at college and he is quite a bit younger than me, ten years younger to be exact. Before you start screaming "cougar!" and label me with a scarlet letter, hear me out.
It started when we hung out once and has turned into a weekly thing. His mom is abusive and he has a lot of health problems and a very bad home life. I started hanging out with him just to get him out of the house, at first. Then I realized that I really enjoyed his company. I didn't think spending time with him was that big of a deal because of the age difference.
I feel very protective over him because of his situation with his home life. His mom treats him like shit because he is adopted and hits him and stuff. He has a little girlfriend in Texas and he tells me all his woes and troubles.
We like to have adventures--we never plan what we are going to do, we just hop in the car and let the adventures find us.
He is a little Casanova and is a flirt, so I never took his flirting seriously. He always jumps in our laps and puts his arm around us and is just generally "fresh." If he steps over the line, I tell him to stop and he does. Yesterday, after our adventure, when I was dropping him off, he kissed me, on the mouth. He about broke my nose!
He now says he is very confused and needs to clear his head and isn't sure what he is feeling. Because of his home life, he has a very real fear of being abandoned and is depressed/suicidal. He knows that I love him and care about him. I told him to take all the time he needs to figure things out, that I would still be his friend no matter what and that I loved him and was here for him always.
I told him I thought he was just very confused and that he needed to step back and look at the big picture. He texted me and his girlfriend this morning saying he was OK and he just needed sleep last night and to clear his head. He ended the text by saying, "I love you both."
By the way, he and his girlfriend are on the verge of breaking up because she is about ready to get back with her ex-boyfriend. She is also suicidal and depressed and threatened to kill herself the other day. I think that was more to keep stringing my friend along than anything though.
I understand how confused he is and how very much he wants to be loved, but I'm not sure how to handle it without him feeling like I am abandoning him and sending him into a suicidal depression.
What would YOU do if you were in my shoes?
I truly care about him and don't want to hurt him, but being more than friends is out of the question. Weigh in with your opinions, Dear Readers!
P.S. I am wondering if it could possibly be a "mommy issue"--his attraction to an older woman. And if so, how do I handle it gracefully and in a non-hurtful way?
With Love,
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Comments (9)
I think he's just confused and needs attention. I say, create some boundaries and tell him that you dont feel the same. :] good luck
Males and females should be friendly to one another... not friends. That's all there is to it.
These problems get old, fast.
You could be flirting with Casanova and here you are filling us in when what you really need to do is let him fill you in! Now stop whining to us and go be a pedophile! Gosh! Stop making it so complicated!
hehehhe goodluck!
You mentioned: "I truly care about him and don't want to hurt him, but being more than friends is out of the question."
....just tell him that.
And stay clear of this mommy issue thing, that's for him to figure out and deal with on his own.. lol
he has been deprived of love and kindness for so long that he wants to keep both of you. I hope this isn't the beginning of promiscuity or womanizing to be close to more females. don't flirt with him anymore even if he isn't serious.
Dude, it really sounds like it IS a mommy issue though. Older woman giving him positive attention, listening to him when he needs or wants to share, all the things real mothers are suppose to do with their children. The fact he comes from an abusive household where the mom is hurting him says a lot. He is probably confusing feelings of nurture & parental love with feelings of lust/love that you would bestow upon a non-family member. To ignore that & let "him figure it out" is wrong. I really believe this is a classic Freud thing. He's mistaking the feelings of comfort & belonging as a friend to being in love or having feelings. Poor guy. The best thing to do is gently explain to him how you feel & the fact you believe he is confused about his feelings because you are an older woman & quite possibly his new found infatuation with you has more to do with instability with his own mother versus actually having feelings for you. It's very easy to confuse those when you grow up in such a chatoic environment & then are shown love & kindness in a friendly manner from an older same sex individual as the parent abusing you. If he starts being flirty with you, gently remind him that you are nothing more then a friend or mentor towards him & that his moves are best tried on a younger girl - like his girlfriend. Good luck!
be honest. but be as nice as u can possibly be. unrequited love is never good news so he may be hurt of course. tell him that he's strong and he should focus on his health (depression) and that love will find him he doesn't have to try so hard.
ok well he is adopted and his adoptive-mother is abusive. Which leads to big time rejection and relationship issues. He sounds like he needs some counseling before he will be ready for a good long term relationship of any kind.
As for you, keep clear boundaries with him, but be nice about it. He has a girlfriend, and you are older. So its basically up to you to keep him in check when it comes to appropriate behavior.
I second the counseling bit someone else mentioned, not just for him, but for his mother too. Physical abuse is tied up with mental and emotional abuse as well, so they both need help if they want to work on their relationship. If his mother isn't responsive to the idea though, then he needs to find some way to get out of the house (and away from her) because it could turn into a potentially serious situation since you mentioned he's depressed/suicidal.
As for your feelings, like another person commented, just be honest with him and tell him what you wrote: "I truly care about him and don't want to hurt him, but being more than friends is out of the question." Make sure he knows that you will be there for him as a friend, no matter what he goes through, and that you're definitely NOT abandoning him. Ultimately, it's up to the person him/herself to make positive changes in his/her life, but it obviously provides great support knowing they have caring friends behind them. Good luck.