A curiosity often crops up in the early stages of a relationship that makes you wonder about your partner's past--what was their last relationship like? Why did it end? How many relationships have they been in?
While I think such talks have the potential to strengthen a relationship (opening up to one another and growing together from past mistakes), I also am of the mind that what's in the past is in the past and there's no need to discuss details.
What can also irk me is if an ex is brought up too soon and too often.
What about you? When is it appropriate to open up the "ex-files?" Do you feel it's a discussion to have or something to keep in the past? Have you ever been on a date with someone who talked too much about his or her ex?
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Comments (25)
I like to open it up pretty quickly, tbh. Not first few minutes within meeting them or anything but before I call myself committed, I want to know what's happened before me. I don't need to know all the details but I'd like to know some just to have an idea of what I'm getting into. It does tell you some about the person and where they've been. When I got together with my last long term ex, I waited quite a bit to ask about her previous relationships and flames and ended up finding out she had an incredible amount of baggage. It didn't change my opinion of her or my decision to be with her but I would've liked to be more informed. On dates after that, I did learn to ask if (s)he was seeing anyone and if they weren't, why not (call me annoying, but I wanted to know) and it did tend to bring up the ex. Alot of times, I spared myself a second, third, or further date with a guy or girl who wasn't looking for what I was. I haven't been on a date with someone who talked about an ex the whole night though. I bet that would be awkward. :/ On the other hand, I did go on a date with a guy who wanted way more information than I wanted to give about a previous relationship of mine. That was awkward.
I think it's a discussion to have. Past relationships aren't a touchy subject for me, because they're past relationships. If someone wanted to know about them, talking about my exes would be the emotional equivalent of filling in a multiple choice test. Boring at worst.
If it's in the past and a person wants it to be, it should be in the past emotionally as well, and I'm not talking about "I'm okay with what happened because I can't change it."... I'm talking about actually being over it in that if they could change anything, they either wouldn't want to, or they would want to change the fact that the relationship ever happened in the first place.
Besides, if a person isn't willing to go through the epic suffering (<- heavy sarcasm) of recounting the details of a past relationship, that really says something about how much you mean to them in the present when you consider their willingness to emotionally trade you for the idea of what could've been with someone else in the past.
it's good to know, so I won't be the rebound, but since when are people decent enough to admit that they are using you as the rebound to heal their hurt ego if his ex dumped him. some people, who use others as rebounds should be stoned to death. I know the guy isn't over his ex if he gets defensive and angry about it. I know a few, who reacted that way, and I don't want anything to do with them anymore. some have the nerve to talk to me again and wonder why I won't talk to them again, because they were fawning over their ex in front of me. I don't want to know their sexual history with their ex either.
I'll be honest and pretty fast to let them know I was physically abused in one and emotionally/sexually in another (date raped). The second and all the others lasted just a few months and meant nothing to me whatsoever. I had one ex who talked a lot about his ex and it was obvious he was far from over her, he even went from Atheist to Christian for her trying to get her to take him back. It didn't work but last I heard, he was engaged so I wish him the best, we didn't end on bad terms, in fact after we broke up, I had my first 3 way lol. 2 guys 1 girl. I see nothing wrong with talking about it but I am over all the past relationships, I am still getting over the trauma from the first one and that's why I'll open about it fast. When I'm around a new guy, I'll get really nervous and sometimes go into a full panic attack if they get mad, I want them to know why and most would work with me through it. My husband has seen quite a few random panic attacks and he's helped me to almost getting over it fully. I'm fully over the guy himself but the trauma is hell to deal with.
I always wonder why I ask about my partners past partners. Like, it just pisses me off. lol. So I dunno, if I ever have to date again, I will not inquire.
I don't have an ex...I think people might think that's weird when I'm 30 years old.
I don't see the point in wanting to know anything unless they're divorced, have a child together or are still friends and therefore impact on your relationship. I mean, what do you want to know? That you're better than them? That you're amazing compared to them? That at least you don't do all the annoying things they did? Why does it matter?
I really think it should be talked about.. at least vaguely. you can't just look past it.. especially if his ex was a big part of his life.
the girl that my bf dated before me had even moved in with him. i just felt like it was good to know right off like why they broke up, and how many other serious relationships he had been in. i find it more comforting to know (even if it sucks) than just wondering
ex's are something that can impact a relationship. My husband and I were upfront early in our relationship about our history. It was blasted hard for me to tell him i was abused and cheated on, but I knew I had to. One of the biggest benefits of our LDR was that we spent countless hours on the phone and got comfortable talking to eachother about everything and anything.
I think a person should at least know if they were divorced, had a child with someone else. That's a pretty big thing to not talk about.
I hate exes. I don't like to hear about them or talk about them. That's probably immature of me, but I can't help it.
I'm the type of person that likes to know everything. being curious drives me insane. the significant other on the other hand doesn't care to know my history, he likes it better that way. every time I talk about my past, he oddly becomes grumpy-faced....
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I like hearing about his exes to an extent. Where they went, what they did, did they live together, how they met, pretty general stuff. But, I know that he's not with them anymore so it's harmless. It's nice to know where he's been.
I personally don't like knowing about past relationships. If I had nothing to do with their past I feel it's none of my business. I only have 1 ex and I wouldn't mind talking about him if I was ever asked. He was a bit emotionally abusive towards me so I'd like to put it out there that I won't tolerate that BS. Other than that I'd rather focus on the present and make plans for the future.
Fortunately I'm my fiancee's first real boyfriend, and we actually met through xanga, so she read all about my exes. So there's no scary secrets.
@ShirleyD@xanga - my last boyfriend asked me at the end of our first date "DID YOU LOVE YOUR FIRST BF? IF HE HADN'T CHEATED ON YOU WOULD YOU STILL BE WITH HIM INSTEAD OF ME?" I did not tell this guy that my first bf cheated on me.....
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - A lot of time people don't want to realize that you're just a rebound, until after the fact and then they go "whoa...guess that was a rebound..."
I love hearing about exes. Like evverrrything about them, how they looked, how they acted, their age, their school background, their work background, what they did for fun, what they did on holidays, how they kissed, how they hugged, how they had sex, everything about them. Reason being two fold, I generally like to know everything about a person I'm in love with, so learning about their exes helps to further understand them, and 2 so I don't do the same things that pissed her off about them, or do do some of the things she loved about them. Also juuuuuuust in case we have similar ideas for holidays she won't get reminded of her ex on them.
Exes are in the past and they're gone there's absolutely no reason to fear learning about them. I've talked about my ex way too much though, or so I've been told heh.
@JusticeCho@xanga - because they are selfish savages! that's like those people, who eat things at the supermarket before they pay for them, then forget to pay because they are too excited that they can eat now and pay later, then walk out the store. in which case, the security guard grabs the person in a choke hold and kicks their ass with brute force for trying to slip between the cracks with their glutton scheme:D toss their ass in de slammer to get a second beating
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Haha sensing some resentment. Some are savages, but I think for the most part they're just ignorant to their own feelings and actions.
@JusticeCho@xanga - selective ignorance! holding the half eaten bag of chips in his hand while wondering, what did I...what did I do??? like bunifa jackson
so they are also stubborn divas
It's really important for me to be with someone who is able to discuss his exes. It shows that he's taken time to process an important part of his past and is ready to move forward. I am more than willing to discuss my past with my future boyfriend.
Knowing more about a person's history can let me better understand what makes him the person he is today. But I'm not going to sit there and do a full-out interrogation in an attempt to pry out everything I can from him. He can share what he wants to share with me. It's the reasoning behind sharing or not sharing that matters. The motive behind wanting to know more about someone's "ex-files" is important as well. I think if both people are at peace with their own past and present, then things should be fine.
I only want to know as much as is relevant to his history.
"There's a woman stuck in my eyelids... I'd tell her to get out, but there's a woman stuck in my throat." -Saul Williams