This post was submitted by Datingish reader, Matt.
My girlfriend and I have been on a break for almost a month now. She said she wanted the break and to be honest, I really don't know why. I had a problem with hanging out with her guy friend a lot (I wasn't totally against it) because they would hang out alone often and do stuff we used to do when we first started dating.
She hung out with a guy friend before and he tried to make her choose between him and me. She chose me that time. She texts me every day. We've hung out twice and both times it ended up with one of us crying and we would still kiss.
I feel like I've lost a lot and I don't know if she feels the same. She said she wants me to keep trying, but I don't know if it's worth it. She also hangs out with her guy friend a lot more now. Either way, I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Readers: Have you ever been in a similar situation?
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Comments (30)
"We're on a break" usually means a) the other person wants to see other people, but wants to keep you as an option in case something doesn't work out or b) the other person simply needs time apart to evaluate the relationship. And it's most likely the former rather than the latter.
Once, I had an ex say, "I think we should take a break and see other people. You know, have some breathing space." I said, "Fine, you do that. Just don't expect me to be at your beck and call when you finally decide you want to be with me." And that was that.
Honestly, this sounds a lot like my relationship. Don't give up on her just yet. She might be doing things that you did together when you first started dating simply because that's the sort of things she enjoys doing. I enjoy certain activities and may incorporate them into dates, but it doesn't mean that when I do those activities with a friend that I am interested in said friend. If you don't know why you are on a break, that definitely is a problem. Talk to her about it.
Datingish is seriously turning into Yahoo answers...
blech, i wouldn't stick around if i were an option!
She wants a break yet she's hanging out with the other guy more? Hm. Honestly, unless you two have unresolved issues and she needs time to herself to reevaluate your relationship and work on these issues, it's understandable. But if you two were doing fine and she just went on a break for no explainable reason, maybe she is reevaluating your relationship for another guy. Personally, I wouldn't wait around. She either wants to be with you or not.
You know that famous quote:
"Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option."
her guy friend is her best friend from the sound of it. she probably finds your jealousy of her hanging out with her best friend annoying or she thinks you're boring compared to her best friend and would rather have his company. there doesn't seem to be anything that you have that she desires, so she doesn't know why she's even in a relationship
that epiphany happened to me; one day I just realized that this guy doesn't have anything that I really need, so I broke up with him, not take a break like you guys did. something that he said that really annoyed me jumpstarted my epiphany and/or I didn't really like him that much to begin with.
leave, it's an excuse to see other people without feeling guilty
Breaks usually lead to breakups. She has been hanging out with this other guy for quite some time now, maybe she has started to develop feelings for him and she needs a break to rethink your relationship over. I personally wouldnt wait around until she made up her mind. She either wants to be with you or not.
When my ex told me he needed a break I knew right away that he wanted to see other people and I was right.
Always trust your gut.
I don't tolerate breaks. If someone wants a break, I end the relationship and move on. It either means they're too immature to work through the problems with you, or they want to see other people, but want to keep you around just in case it doesn't work out.
Why do you have to "keep trying"? Keep trying to keep her? Why? You didn't ask for the break. It just seems like she's playing games with you, especially because she didn't even give you a good reason for the break in the first place. I'd move on and find someone more mature and worth your time - good luck!
I don't believe in breaks. They seem mighty pointless to me. Here's why: 1) some couples who decide to go on a break talk to each other everyday and hangout with each other often, which defeats the purpose of a break 2) some couples do crazy things while they're on break which makes it seem like they wanted a break just to explore a few options 3) some couples don't know what they want which seems pretty idiotic to me because you're supposed to get into a relationship because you want nothing more than to be with that person, and so on. I know minds change and people grow apart, but couples should try and make their relationship work if there is still a lot of love and respect present. People abuse the meaning of breaks and breaking up. And I also believe that people abuse the meaning of being in a committed relationship with another person.
All I can really account for is my relationship which is not the easiest one in the world. But, I'm very much in love and will do whatever is in my power to keep it going. A realtionship gets stronger and stronger because two people decide to overcome their problems (and by problems I don't mean working to stay together if your partner cheated on you, abused you, or did anything to jeapordizes your relationship) TOGETHER. Couples are going to fight and are going to feel like they are stuck, but if you truly love someone, just make it work.
But my advice to you? Let her go completely. Let her decide who she truly wants but remember that she has given herself the power to choose who she wanted in the past (i wouldn't give her that power again). No one deserves to feel like an option. She shouldn't be allowed to have her cake and eat it too. Don't let her use you.
My ex and I have been on a break since October. It's more or less a break up due to the long distance, but we both agreed not to see other people until we figure out what we're doing with each other. I was not happy at all with the break up, but around February I realized it was what we needed and our friendship has been much stronger since then. We kind of moved from a break up into a break though. You should just see how things go. Live your life and if the option of working things out comes up then see how you feel then. Maybe if you start doing your own thing and not talking to her as much she'll see what she's missing out on. I'm not totally against breaks anymore. I think they're a good opportunity to focus on yourself and reevaluate your life and what you're doing while still maintaining a friendship with the other person and the option of working things out. They don't work for everyone and they don't always work in general though. My ex and I broke up due to long distance. We dated for four years and three of those were long distance. We found we were fighting more than anything and that wasn't what we had ever wanted in our relationship. Whether or not we get back together is yet to be decided, but I am really happy we took a break because we both figured a lot of things out as far as school and careers go. As nice as it sounds that love conquers all, sometimes there's more important things to do so you can make that love have a good chance.
I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now. I would never ever have the heart to be apart from him. We get along great! And in my case, I don't really hang out with other guys, but I do have the option to, I just choose not to. It's not that I worry that he'll be jealous, it is just that I would rather spend that time with him than anyone else. And because I am serious about my boyfriend and we do plan on getting married and having a family, no other person on the planet is worth the risk of our relationship being ruined.
I value my relationship with him and I would never ask for a break. If she needs to be apart from you for whatever reason, she is not invested 100%.
Breaks are never an issue with strong relationships. Breaks are for cowards and selfish people. If she really loved you, she would take your feelings into consideration. It's not like you asked her to stop being friends with this guy, you just don't like the idea of them haning out a lot.
I'm sure if you were spending time with another woman, things would be really different. And I'm sure she wouldn't enjoy that.
Sorry to say but I think it is time for you to move on. There will be a girl out there that will want to spend every waking moment with you.
Keep your chin up. :)
@Niiksknox@xanga - I totally agree with you. Well said!
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - There is also a major difference between like and love. When you like someone, you break up for many reasons. But when you love someone, it becomes a lot more complicated. Leaving someone because they are boring sounds like love wasn't invloved. Because when you love someone, you work any issues out. You talk and you compromise. Being boring is no reason to be dumped by someone you love and by someone who "loves" you.
Think of what the "Best-Case Scenario: would be in this situation: she chooses you & stops seeing the other guy.
After all that - do you think you could still trust her? From your post, it sounds like you're already having doubts (and I think you are right to have them).
The answer to this question is the answer to whether you should keep pursuing her.
I had a boyfriend suggest we take a break once. I suggested he never call me again.
@katarinaaaO2@xanga - It is not uncommon for couples to find their partner more boring as the years go by (people drift apart or they stop trying). I do agree that it is not a simple matter as a lack of fun and excitement in a relationship is often a sign of deeper issues. But at the end of the day, finding your partner boring and seeing no signs for improvement is a valid reason to break up. You don't want to spend the rest of your life stuck with someone you can't have fun with.
@katarinaaaO2@xanga - she said that when they got together, they would argue, so I think arguing is possibly the main factor; too much drama. I broke up with mine, because he said asshole things and I let it slide, but one day, I had enough and it was the last straw. sometimes giving someone too many chances is spoiling/enabling them.
@katarinaaaO2@xanga - oops, she actually said that they ended up "crying" but I presume that it was due to arguing or if not arguing, then some other differences. she didn't give enough details as to why they cried, but I'm thinking that she doesn't like hanging out with him because they end up crying.
break leads to breakup :P
my ex suggest we take a break
I told him how about a break up* instead ?
no point of dragging it on
You expressed to her that the fact she hangs out with her guy friend really, really upsets you....and instead of responding in a way that even considered your feelings, she asked for a break because she knew it meant she could do whatever she wanted.
You know what to do. No one deserves to be in a relationship where their feelings are not considered valid.
@katarinaaaO2@xanga - Thanks! I agree with what you said also!