Friday, 01 June 2012
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"White Lies" and Communication
This post has been submitted anonymously a Datingish reader.
My boyfriend has a habit of telling white lies. I noticed him do it with other people and recently called him out on one I thought he was telling to me. He came clean and I told him I was not angry but disappointed because we have tried very hard to be open and honest about everything and it was a really trivial thing to lie about.He says he doesn't even think about it most of the time, but he does do it quite a bit. I don't want to doubt every thing he says, but I am afraid if things don't change I will become somewhat paranoid. He seems like he wants to change in this issue, and I know it won't happen overnight.What should I do when it happens again? It hurts when I know he is lying to me. At the same time I don't want to be overbearing in the process and actually end up making it harder for him to talk to me. Anyone else gone through this? How did you handle it? Were you able to get past it?
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Comments (19)
If the lies are truly "white" (as in, about smaller things rather than bigger things), and he is truly trying to stop, then this is what I think you should do (based on my own experiences with people/bad habits and whatnot - take the advice for what it is).
First, become at ease with it. It can still bother you, but try to really understand that it's an automatic thing for him, and he's not doing it maliciously - it's just a bad habit that needs broken. Get to the point that you're not really hurt when it happens.
Then, talk to him. Confirm that he IS willing to/wishes to stop it, and explain that until the habit has been "broken," it'll be hard for you to trust him completely. (This should be reasonable.) See if you can establish a (temporary) dynamic in which you ask him to "check himself" after he says something, especially if you think it's a lie. Nothing accusatory, just kind of a reminder that he's trying to stop. Give him a second to either come clean or to say that yes, that's the truth. IMO, this gentle reminding will become a habit, which should break the other one.
The key here is for you BOTH to discuss it first, work together, and continue to respect each other instead of getting hurt or defensive.
he is on the road to becoming a compulsive liar..it always starts with small trivial things and them boom......
I have that tendency with strangers. Maybe you should have a little reward system for not lying?
usually drama queens tell white lies. some of my coworkers do this all the time about me-they exaggerate, twist words out of context in their favor and try to blame me for some things. my small mistakes suddenly turn into big mistakes and they gossip and spread stuff around the other coworkers, so by the time the manager hears about it, the entire thing is blown out of proportion
then I'm called into the office to discuss it, because the pinche chismosas want me fired, but I'm not
my bf was right when I told him about it. he said that these people are intimidated by me, and my perfectionist attitude at work, and I make them look bad as long as I'm there, so they want to try to get rid of me
I'm not sure why your bf lies though. what benefit does he get from it?? he wants your attention like the boy who cried wolf?!
like judge judy says: "you know how I can tell that you're lying? your mouth is moving!!!"
one of my cousins often tells white lies. I know he does it all the time to brag, so I often don't take him seriously. he lost most of his credibility. so if something serious happens and he wants to justify himself, then I don't think anybody, who knows about his habit will believe him.
i'm pretty clear very, very early on with girls that i don't put up with this. the people who will be closest to me are the people i need to be able to trust to tell me the things that others won't. at some point in a relationship (whether platonic or otherwise), i expect that the bs stop. if it doesn't, i will never trust you again. this has unfortunately happened too many times to me, though almost always in a platonic context.
it seems that the only girls who can do this are new york girls, though... <3
My bf did this before, usually to protect me or because he was embarrassed about something, I told him that if he keeps it up that I'm going to start wondering what else he lies about and that I'll start creating stupid thoughts about what else he may be lying about and that eventually I won't be able to trust him. And that it could potentially ruin what we have. He has stopped since.. Just be honest with how it makes you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you did it to him. Making him put himself in your shoes usually helps
If it's a habit that he wants to change, you can both work on it together. If you think he might be telling you a white lie, figure out a way to "call him on it," but not in a mean way - like maybe a pre-determined phrase or question. And make sure that he knows it's okay for him to then take the white lie back and say the truth this time, that you're working together on it and it's like a ctrl + z button. Basically what Edeline_Wrigh@xangasaid.
Part of the problem with habits is that you don't notice when you're engaging in habitual behaviors. Pointing them out while you're together will certainly be helpful, but it might also help for him to kind of take a running tally through the day, just as an added awareness. Not for you, just for him. Sometimes you don't realise how invasive a habit is until you have to keep track of it, and that acts as extra motivation to stop.
Would you say you're totally clean, straight-up, and honest yourself?
Can you honestly say you don't tell white lies yourself? I think everyone does, whether it's to strangers, to your boss to get out of something at work, to your parents to avoid awkward questions...everyone lies, the only variable is about what. If he's not lying to you about anything major or serious, try not to worry about it too much.
I used to date a guy who did that... Those lies ended up becoming bigger and bigger... And the worst part was that he didn't feel bad about lying, but more so that he got caught in the lie. It got to the point where I doubted everything he told me and honestly, how can you be in a relationship when you are always prepared for the worst or always looking to be disappointed because you realize that whatever he says he's going to do was going to end up being a lie in the first place? I had to move on.
it isn't good when somebody tells white lies plus it will make you crazy. (it's already making you paranoid)
I was with someone that did that. You think they're just white lies and then they grow and get bigger and get you into trouble. And then they'll get mad at you for not covering up their lies. It's one thing to say a dress looks nice or whatever or small lies to get out of a social situation or something. It was nerve wracking and he still does it. Your boyfriend will always do it, it's second nature. Decide if you want to put up with that or not. Good luck.
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@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Jersey girls are better.
And no one just lies for no reason. I don't deal with lying of any sort unless its in order to procure a suprise. People who get caught lying always use excuses. "I don't even realize I'm doing it" "It wasn't a big deal" blah blah blah. I just means that they are comfortable covering up truths with is THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IN A RELATIONSHIP.
This is kinda funny how much I can relate to this post...
"At the same time I don't want to be overbearing in the process and actually end up making it harder for him to talk to me."
Why are you afraid of this? He is lying to you. Why do you think you have any responsibility to make him feel better about it? This is how I feel about white lies: "A white lie is worse than a straight-out lie because not only is the element of faking reality present, but the person to whom you are telling the lie is thereby deemed by you incapable of facing reality and needs protection from it. That is, the person is deemed insufficiently rational to accept a fact of reality and deal with it."@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Um . . . I can't count the number of comments you've made on this site beginning with, "I've been in a relationship like that, and . . ." If you have such a track record of bad decisions why do you dispense advice so much? It makes you look more bitter than experienced.
@Six_Days_Divided_by_Blondville@xanga - I'm always talking about the same relationship. I was married, it's not an easy decision to make regarding what you put up with and the sanctity of marriage vows forever. People put up with a lot of crap in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that I just don't get after having been through what I've been through. Why put up with a boyfriend that tells a lot of white lies? They aren't married. Get a better boyfriend and move on.
well thats awful i hate vwhen people lie.ive gotten told lies so many times.im sick of it.and im over it.