Sunday, 27 May 2012
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Why Won't He Sleep With Me?
My boyfriend and I have been together just under two years. For the first 18 months of our relationship, everything was perfect. We were madly in love, talked of marriage, and I really felt this was the real deal. Emotionally and physically, we just connected.We used to have sex at least 3 times a week. But now, all of a sudden, he doesn't seem interested anymore. Not even just with sex--every kiss, every hug, every touch that we have is initiated by me. Now, I know a lot of people will say it's normal for the physical side of the relationship to calm down, but isn't this usually after a couple of months?
It just doesn't seem normal to me that after 18 months of not being able to keep his hands off me, he would suddenly become so distant. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just acts like I'm making a big deal out of nothing and laughs it off. But I don't feel like it's nothing.
I'm not just being needy--he NEVER so much as touches me anymore. Up until two months or so ago, we would have spontaneous passionate kisses. Now, I'm lucky to get a peck when he leaves for work. He still tells me he loves me, but I just don't feel like his heart is in it anymore.What do I do, ladies? I need some answers, but he just isn't giving me any.
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- From: textbookstuffxo@xanga
- Name: textbookstuffxo
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Comments (46)
Give him this list and ask him which one he is interested in:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias
Have fun.
Dump him and find a man who ploughs you daily! You deserve nothing but the best!
When my ex acted like that, he was being a scumbag behind my back. I'm not saying yours is, but there has to be something that is triggering him to act like that. Yes, physical affection dies down after a while, but to not be interested or taking initiative to be intimate with you, uh, that's a red flag especially if you want to talk about it but he's brushing it off and making it seems like you are making a big deal out of nothing.
He may have gotten too comfortable and stopped "working for it." That's what happened with my ex.. pretty immature. To be blunt: I walked away because no one deserves someone who stops working to keep things alive
Are you sure he's not cheating on you?
2 months ago? I call frustration with Diablo 3.
This is a guy speaking here. There are a variety of possibilities. I won't be pessimistic, but I will list negative possibilities as well.
1. This has been brought up, he is cheating on you, or at least thinking about it.
2. He is bored with you because there was less of an emotional connection than was apparent with you and he feels obligated to go through the motions.
I just thought I'd list the negative possibilities first. I'm not saying they are true and they may not be.
3. He's simply not that interested in sex for the time being. Maybe something is distracting him that is interfering with your sex life that has an inordinate amount of his intellectual attention. Guys can have interests that can overcome their sex drive. And since he knows that you are available, he might think that it is not a problem for the time being to lack an interest in sex. Have you noticed any interests or hobbies he has devoted his time to lately? Because you are devoted to him, maybe he thinks that you will be understanding and not take it as seriously?
4. Maybe things need to be.spiced up a bit, and he is at a loss for ideas and is self conscious about being repetitious.
These are all the possibilities I can think of at the moment.
I think that it is not a bad thing to explain why the drop in sexual attention is a cause for concern. If he keeps shrugging it off, ask him why he thinks that it is not that important. Expand from there. Hope this helps.
leave him.
I had a similar thing happen to me a few weeks ago with my boyfriend. We've been together for almost a year and we have sex on a daily basis. Suddenly (or so I thought) he seemed less interested and wouldn't initiate ANYTHING for about two weeks until I worked up the courage to ask him what the problem was. In the end it was a misunderstanding that was causing him to have a mental block toward me, and because I had no idea I'd said something to upset him I thought he was growing disinterested in me. We talked about it, worked things out, and everything is back to normal now. The best advice I can give is to just talk to him about it and get everything out in the open, because that's the only way you will know for sure what's going on.
@EpistemicDuty@xanga - This is the best answer. No matter what... point is that you are not happy. decide a time frame that you will give him opportunity to get back in the swing of things, communicate, and leave if it comes down to it. Don't sit around for years because "it used to be so good!" I've been there done that, I WOULD KILL FOR THOSE YEARS BACK.
Really just seems like he isn't as into you as he thought he was.
In other words...INFATUATION.
You know it's real love when it NEVER wears off - I don't care what people say, because it never does if you really love each other. I know people who've been married twenty+ years and still have that passion. Sure it can calm a little bit, but to disappear entirely after such a short while? Infatuation. I'm sorry to say :(
My first thought was like many others on here, that he's cheating on you - but unless you have more to report, such as him not wanting to come home, or him staying at "work" for abnormally long hours etc, then it could be what I said above.
I've experienced this first-hand, btw, and in my case he WAS cheating behind my back - but more often than not, he was just wayyy more interested before and then got bored with you. I know it's blunt but, coming from someone who was crushed by this for ages, I can tell you that I'd rather know straight away, honestly, than when it's too late.
I don't know your situation but when I'm with my guy and he tries to get me to do the dirty with him -- I haven't been interested lately. It's not because of someone else I want, it's mainly because when we first got together over 3 years ago -- we used to get down like jack rabbits 24/7 and it's all out of my system now and I'm not in the mood, Lol. Maybe it's all out of ur bf's system? I dunno or he could be getting some elsewhere.
maybe something is bothering/stressing him out at work, tired, and/or his mind is filled with work related things<--this happened with me. one of my coworkers was the biggest bitch ever. we had passive aggressive fights at work daily
it stressed me out and we hated each other's guts. I had to deal with it, but I did vent to my bf. or he's interested in someone else. or he doesn't care to try anymore due to depression of some sort. who knows.
there could be a million things on his mind distracting him from being intimate with you, only one of which would be that he's cheating. it may not necessarily be a bad thing, but it sounds like something is stealing his focus. it would be best to try to find out what that is before you go making any big decisions.
I forgot to mention that I wasn't in the mood for sexy time because I wanted to slam that bitch's face in the concrete
I also vented to my mother and she sympathized with me. my mom wanted to shoot her in the face when I told her about it
I felt better after I vented. maybe your bf is bottling in some things. maybe not work related but other things. or maybe spice things up in the bedroom
Figure out what happened 2 months ago or so which would cause of the lack of sex, OR figure out the event that occurred in which before it, you both had lots of sex, and after it, you have little to none. We all here can suggest and comment on your situation all we want, but you are the only one who knows what happened; we don't!
It's up to you to figure out the list of events that happened in which you both had lots of sex, transitioning to when you when his interest in sex or initiative towards sex with you started to die down and based on that event or those series of events, with a very honest and blunt view of them, can you really see what's going on with him. Good luck with figuring that out and find the answer. (Remember, we don't know exactly what happened between you two aside from what your posted, which isn't enough for us to really pinpoint what happen. Everyone here commented their thoughts on this, so now it's up to you to confirm them.)
How are you in bed? If you're a starfish, that's probably why.
The reason doesn't really matter, if you're not happy, you're not happy, and he needs to listen to that. You need to tell him how unhappy it's making you - and if he still doesn't change or give you a good reason for the changes, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. There's no point sticking with a miserable situation in the blind hope that it'll someday go back to how it was. If he's not actively making an effort, why should you have to do all the work?
I'm a whimsical magician I guess. *tosses wizard hat on the floor*
@rache - Hahahaha.. My boyfriend has been playing so much of Diablo :/ I already made him tell me that he wont play as much as my ex did with 2.. lol.
It's possible that he's cheating or he may just have found somebody else that makes him doubt his feelings for you (even if he hasn't actually cheated yet). Obviously, it could something completely different, but not knowing you or your boyfriend it's impossible to say.
one word.
Cheating.When a relationship goes from hot to cold like that, after over a year no less...there's a reason for it & it usually involves another person. Of course I can't a 100% say that's what's up here; maybe he's super stressed at work or some shit, but on the flip side..it's highly unlikely that a dude who can get some on a regular basis is just going to randomly not "want it" anymore.
Also the fact he makes 'light of it' & tries to laugh it off, like it's a joke when you've tried talking to him about - is another red flag. It's a sign that he doesn't want to talk about it. Which isn't good. it means he knows that he's not being as intimate as he should be with you; & he doesn't want to be stuck with hard questions from you like - why are we not having sex much? why am I the one always initiating it?
OR it could just be he's lost interest in you all together & doesn't know how to tell you, because he's a wuss. Therefore, he's giving you all these passive-aggressive signs that he's not into you anymore, while still saying he "loves" you because he can't man the hell up & just tell you straight.
Either way, this is red flag central & I would sit him down & say something like "Look..you & I both know something's not right between us, healthy & happy couples don't just suddenly go from intimate relations to whatever the hell we are now for no reason. No..it IS a big deal..to me & it should be to you as well! I am confused & I would like answers, if you're unwilling to have a serious conversation with me about this or you're going to make it a joke, I will be forced to take some time to think about us. Because what I want, is suddenly not meshing up with that you want."
Good luck!
When I stopped having sex and being intimate with my ex it was because I wasn't into him anymore. And that was 7 years into the relationship. i stopped loving him or my infatuation went away and i realized that I was never happy. I started to become interested in someone else so I left my ex.
I suggest you talk with your boyfriend and tell him that it concerns you that he is not being intimate with you.
All you can do is talk to him. Sit him down a room with a lock and then lock the door. Tell him he can't leave until you talk about this and not just laugh it off. Tell him how you are feeling. It might be a bit painful on his side because for the most part men just don't talk about their feelings. Make him understand that you are really worried about it. If he doesn't give you a reason that seems plausible or no reason at all you need to evaluate the relationship. Intimacy is very important to a relationship and anyone who says otherwise needs to be slapped in the face. Do not fall into the trap that so many people do, and just ride things out without dealing with it. If he isn't cheating now he will eventually or you will eventually go out and try to find what you aren't getting. You may not intend to but don't underestimate just how important intimacy is in a relationship.