I have a sort of dilemma. It stems mostly from the fact that I'm 18 and have a strong potential to be engaged soon.
I just started college this year, and there's this guy, we'll call him "A", and he and I have a bit of past. We dated my junior year of high school, broke up when our religions clashed and he got to possessive of me, and we didn't speak for a year. He always treated me well, except he would get moody if I didn't do what he wanted (like sit by his side at the beach instead of swim, or stand near the wall instead of dance at prom), and he would get incredibly jealous if I talked highly of another guy (such as one of my many good guy friends).
Needless to say, when he went off to college at the start of my senior year, he got anxious I would meet someone else while he was gone. So he drove a state over from where he was going to college to basically yell at me in my driveway for me talking to my ex (who was also a good friend at the time). I threw the gifts he gave me at him and told him to leave. That's when we first broke up, and we didn't speak for almost a year.
I casually saw a few guys my senior year, went to senior prom single, and then me and A started talking over the summer, before I went to college.
By October we felt we were in love again, but we weren't sure if we could handle a LDR, so we waited until winter break to see how things went (we had tried an LDR for about two weeks but mutually ended it). By the end of break we were dating, and basically, he said he could see us being married some day and I felt the same at the time...so we were unofficially "engaged," unofficially because our parents would kill us if they knew (since I'm 18 and he's 19). He was in MA for college still, with me being stuck in CT.
Then I got a job, on my college campus, at a sandwich shop. I met another guy, we'll call him "K," and he's got an attitude and a strut and thinks he can boss anyone around, despite him being a lowly student worker such as myself. And he gets away with it because everyone loves him...because in reality, he's a sweetheart who wouldn't hurt a fly. He drinks like a sailor though, and although he's never come into work drunk, he still parties late at night and comes into work exhausted.
I loathe drinking but he has a hold on it apparently. And recently my boyfriend and I started arguing over everything, from me working longer hours to pay for tuition (where he feels like I'm ignoring him) and feeling he's too clingy (because he still gets crazy jealous at the mere mention of another male). Needless to say, as much as I loved my "fiance," I'm newly single.
I'd be able to see how things with my "crush" K go, except I'm torn between "K" and "A"...and if I date anyone while on "break" from A, he says he'll never date me again. Ever.
But I feel like I'm too young to be in a hyper-committed relationship. "A" has his life planned out and is following it to a T; he's a sophomore in college, with a major in chemistry and a minor in math. He's tailoring his studies to work for Phizer (a huge science/pharmaceutical company) one day, and he wants to own a place in Cambridge, MA with me as his wife. He knows my deepest secrets and fears, and wants the best for me.
"K" on the other hand is more laid back...he parties a lot, and is a 5th year in a four-year college, but he also has a steady job, an apartment, a car and aside from his overactive social life, he seems to have his act together. So we just met a few months ago, he doesn't know me all that well, and he doesn't know what he's doing in terms of an actual career...but at least he appreciates I have my own life.
There's a saying, "Don't give up the one you love for the one you like,"...but what if the one you love comes off as a clingy control freak at a time when you want/need your own space and freedom?
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Comments (33)
Regardless of what you choose to do about "K," you need to lose the control freak. They tend to get abusive down the line.
Also, don't give up someone because you find someone else, give up someone because you are not happy with him.
Get rid of control freaks no matter the situation! Being single will be better than being married to him.
My boyfriend just happens to be really smart, and it is annoying. I make messes. I cannot remember what i was doing... theyre beating the poorboy as usual. I never said i saw. I made the elder sign and prayed. Putin just wanted to use me as a sacrificial victim. Yes, they need lawz. I agree. Now fix this.
"A" has a lot of developing to do and isn't doing a good job at that. Maybe if he actually is progressive in other aspects of his life aside from academics would he be more of a decent candidate for your heart. That's something you can communicate to him, with the focus on being understanding of each other and you feel he's not understanding of you (just constantly and childishly wanting what he wants over yours wants, and not understanding that you need your space as you seem to be giving him his).
As for "K" he seems to be a good person just to date and gain experience from rather than being in a long term commitment. Maybe not a bad idea to date him while having that mindset.
Neither of these guys seem good for you right now. I recommend just chilling for a bit. Let "A" grow up a bit. Maybe "K" needs to do some of the same. Maybe you'll have a future with one of them, but presently they both seem to need space. In fact, DO NOT date either of them right now. If you start something with "K", not only is he not good for you right now, but also it would lose you the trust of "A", and cause him to do something more unstable. You'd hurt him pretty badly. Just give him time to grow up, and chill. With regards to both of them.
or you can give up on both? both these guys don't seem that great. You don't know if this new guy even likes you and the previous one has serious controlling issues which I'm sure you yourself know isn't good. I'd say dump em both, take a break from guys and learn how to be on your own so you'd allow better guys in your life. stop makin excuses for their bad habits...because they are not healthy attributes to have.
Get rid of both of them and find someone better.
You know what? You're only 18 (and I'm not trying to patronize you...I promise I have a point.) I know it seems like you need to grow up NOW and that you need to make decisions about your future NOW--but trust me, your 22-year-old self will be rolling your eyes at your 18-year-old self's vision for the future...and don't even get me started about what your 29-year-old self will think of it all. But right now, it isn't the time to be worrying about who to marry--this is the time to experience everything you can in life. If you don't, I guarantee you will regret it if you don't. Because you will never have this opportunity again.
And in the meantime, if you feel like you have to choose, keep in mind that if you can't choose one, then you probably shouldn't choose either. If he's The One For The Rest Of Your Life, then there should be no question that he's the one you want.
Oh, and I'll let you in on another secret: most men aren't worth the commitment until they've hit 22 or 23, anyway. Until then, they're just kind of like underripe fruit--the potential is there, but they haven't quite got that nice flavor yet. So, if I were in your shoes, I'd pass on A, have fun with K, and just live and enjoy your life for now. There's plenty of time to get serious later.
They both sound horrible.
I wouldn't want to possibly be a homicide victim due to an overly jealous and possessive bf. I hate heavy drinkers, too. I also hate it when people think that they are the boss when they aren't; don't have the credentials, so they annoy me and I don't respect them or take them seriously if they have an attitude when they are on the same level as me. my wannabe bossy/bitchy coworker comes to mind. toss both.
I personally like guys in their mid 30's at least and even in their 40's, who have already proven who they can and have become. hence my crush on my boss
and he has the power over thousands of employees because he earned it. unlike the punk who thinks that he owns the place but doesn't.
Money is nice though. Aww what to do. Perhaps you can have them both somehow--like have them sandwich you, or something.. That's what I'd do if I were you! For sure! It makes me drool just thinking about it!
Dude, you need to take a step back and chill. Yes, chill. Neither of the guy seems.. great. Be single, have fun, and mingle.
They're both not good enough and you don't seem mature enough to commit to a marriage.
Lose the loser!
its not a choice between K and A, it's a choice between A and all future contact with males.
if you don't want to be committed to A right now, then you don't have to be. don't let his possessiveness and his threats of "never being with you again" keep you from doing what you want. he's clearly possessive of you and you're not even actually engaged yet you already want to see other people - there's nothing wrong with that, and you should be able to.
A sounds like bad news.
You have to do what's right for you. You're obviously not happy with either one but I definitely wouldn't stay committed to A. I was in this situation too and I chose to drop my "A" and my life is soo much better for it. My "K" isn't as reckless as yours sounds but it was nice to find someone who respected me and my decisions. I wouldn't consider A an option anymore. Anyone who gives you ultimatums should be dropped immediately. I know it's hard but this feeling of self-doubt totally isn't worth it. You need to make yourself happy first and foremost.
Good luck!
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You are TOO YOUNG to be in a possessive, jealous relationship. Why?? Because whenever "A" is jealous or possessive, you do things for him to make him happy, and in the end YOU miss out on experiences that might be fun or good to just learn and develop as a person. College years, your 20s, are the best years of your life because you get to explore and learn about yourself as a person, grow as a person, and you can't throw that away because you don't want to lose someone you've become so comfortable and at times, very happy with. If you guys truly love each other, then it'll work out in the future. I can't guarantee it, but usually you guys will find a way to make it work. Also, if he truly loved you, he would be patient enough and selfless enough to realize he's not letting you live your life. He'd also wait through any doubts you have.
By the way I'm just going to guess A is for Alex and K is for Kyle ;)
If youre not looking for a husband, K sounds like hed be fun while he lasts.
A sounds crazy and too hard to please
@j__mac@xanga - you were right about K being for Kyle lol
"A" is trouble. Even if you love him - especially if you love him - run away. He's not treating you with respect, and it will only get worse if you let him control you (be it giving up talking to other guys in any capacity, doing what he wants, arguing about either thing, etc). He sounds at least borderline abusive.
"K"... also doesn't sound great, but he sounds less dangerous. The "he thinks he can boss anyone around" strikes me as worrisome, but depending on how it manifests, it might not be that big of an issue. He might just need to grow up a bit.
I think you should choose neither and just go with the flow. If it's a choice, though, choose "K."
'A' is crazy. Would not want to know how he would be like as a husband... >_> I just feel like he'd be abusive in some sort of way.
"A" clearly isn't in love with you. Why? because as you stated, he is trying to fit you into HIS life, instead of building a life TOGETHER. From what you described, I sense a common theme, and it boils down to one question. Do you want to be treated like a possession, or a person? Possessions can be controlled, they are placed where the owner wants, and the owner controls all access to it. A person is the exact opposite of a possession.
I say stick with K, because us Kyle's must stick together
You and "A" are done for. You're both so young. It's silly to have that much planned out, trust me. I did the same thing with when I was 18 and it turned out badly for me. I ended up getting married and later divorced. Enjoy relationships and dating and college. You will regret it if you don't. Love comes and goes, relationships come and go............one thing I've learned from life is that you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do. I've made tons of mistakes but I've learned a lot. I wouldn't take them back for anything. Give yourself time to figure your life out. You don't need someone moody like that by your side.
Have fun!