Thursday, 17 May 2012
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When an Ex Comes to Town
I have been seeing this guy for a couple months now and have known him for a little over a year. It turns out we had been mutually interested in one another for quite some time, but due to our professional relationship we only recently had an opportunity to voice our interests and thus begin dating. I have been very happy and things have been going extremely smoothly so far, until the other day when he told me that his ex-girlfriend is coming to visit.From what I understand, things ended quite dramatically when they broke up right around the time that he and I first met. To make things even more complicated, way back when his ex actually (falsely) accused him of cheating on her with me.
This was a very preposterous claim for her to make considering he and barely knew each other at that time, and eventually she owned up to completely fabricating this story to help put distance between them as their relationship was fading. Needless to say this woman isn't very fond of me despite how little she ever knew about me and from what my guy says she has been out of the picture for about a year now.However, this prospect of her coming to visit has still been enough to make my heart come to a screeching halt. A few months after their ultimate break up she came back wanting to try things again, then a couple months later came by again hoping to "pretend" they were dating again for at least one night. My guy claims that she should know better than to try again this time as he declined her offers both times in the past.
I trust my guy, but thinking of this situation still sends chills up my spine. He says in her email that she wanted to "have a drink to catch up" and "come by to visit his dog," and in an attempt to not seem jealous or paranoid I just told him that I am sure he'll do whatever is best when she comes back around.Despite wanting to put my full faith in him, I still have this creeping feeling like this just can't be the best idea. A woman that we know hates me, we know might still want to be with him, and probably doesn't know that he is now seeing me after all this time, is coming to town to stay for the remainder of the month. It doesn't make me feel better that it just so happens that I will be out of town for the majority of her visit.
He says he hopes that she will have enough other distractions (such as friends she is staying with) to keep her from chasing after him, and I've made little comments in a joking tone such as "I wish I could be here to protect you through this!" hoping that he will get the idea that I am a little uneasy when it comes to her intentions.
I don't want to make something out of nothing and I certainly don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but I also wonder if I should voice my concerns that being buddy-buddy with his hopeful ex is something I'm afraid is going to stir up trouble for all of us.Is this actually something worth raising my concern or am I overreacting? Should I say anything about how this is making me feel or just ride it out?
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- From: blonde_vampire@xanga
- Name: Jodie...
- Location: Pensacola, Florida, United States
- About Me: I can't decide if time is linear or cyclical. I guess I'm not supposed to know. I want a sea-space-submarine.
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Comments (21)
I believe it is always best to let your partner know how you really feel. Let him know that while you do trust him, you feel uncomfortable about the situation, which you have every right to.
if it were my situation id ask him not to "catch up" with her out of respect for your relationship. she doesnt sound great, and i don't see why its necessary they "touch base" in the first place. especially since he already turned her down twice and thats what shes after anyways. she can hang out with someone else
I say, let him know that you're uncomfortable with the situation but that you do trust him. She sounds like a total bitch.
"my life is none of your business and my dog hates you. you can hang out in the dumpster by yourself where I put you
" he should say that. just catching up my ass...she just wants to have a chance to come onto him with an affectionate hug or kiss, and then he'll push her away afterwards saying that he didn't initiate anything and it was all her even though he knew that she still wants to be with him. if he knows that she isn't over him yet still hangs out with her and keep in contact even if it is just short text replies, then he is enabling the psycho drama queen, wants to keep her around to feed his ego and he likes knowing that you're jealous, because he likes being wanted by two women, and/or he isn't over her either. he shouldn't feel bad or anything for turning down her requests to hang out.
She sounds like trouble.
I've been through this before, you're not overreacting. They never come to visit just to hang out. There is more than likely some ulterior motive on her part.
I was in a similar situation. Someone's batshit ex was saying I was a homewrecker for getting with her ex after knowing him for 3 days when they had broken up in high school of 2005 and this was 2007 and she simply couldn't move on and attempted to sabotage every "relationship" he got into after that. Turns out he was the one saying things to her making her believe they'll get back together even though they never will. He's married to someone else and has cheated on the person he's married to numerous times. I don't get women/girls and even people in general who will marry someone who has cheated on them. They give people of their genders a bad name.
I have a zero tolerance for dealing with people's exes. It's enough for me that whenever I'm with someone we have to resolve our differences I don't need a 3rd party's input trying to start drama.
If he had any respect for you he would not hang out with her period. Just say that to him and how much it bothers you that she lied about him cheating with you and among other things. Sometimes being blunt works instead of beating around the bush about it.
Legitimate concern, but it sounds like your BF understands your concerns and has no desire to get back with her. Relationship building scenario right here. Trust him, because if you can't trust him through this, how can you trust him at all?
Would have agree with Lordv16. Definitely a relationship building scenario.
Be honest with him and let him know how you feel. You are not overreacting and you have every right to be concern. Yes, he's a big boy and he can make his own decision, but he should also respect your feelings and your relationship. It seems like this ex of his does not want to give up on winning him back and hope that he will return to her. She have tried two times to get him back and seriously, if it were me, I wouldn't want my significant other meeting with his ex if that was her intentions. I do hope she has a place to crash and don't be all over him when she's in town and I hope he's smart enough to stay away.
My SO has a lot of old internet flames, so when I come across somebody online, and he tells me about them... I get jealous. I trust him, I do, it's just that our past shows that he messages girls behind my back, a lot.
Um... why is he even seeing her? The relationship ended badly, it seems, and it ended quite a while ago as well. So why is he even giving her the time of day? To visit his dog?! Come on...
you have every right to be concerned & feel the way you are feeling. you have to voice these feelings to him though, let him know exactly how you feel & that you trust him. he should definately not "catch up" with her in any way though. & i feel thatif he really loved you, he wouldn't even want to. especially if this girl hasd problems with you for barely any reason, then it would not be a good idea at all. it may have been a year but with especially the way they ended, he should not want to do any catching up with her at all. there's no reason for it, inmy opinion. she's out of the picture, & with the way you say she acted in the relationship, she shouldn't be allowed to call him up & have him come running.
The way I deal with trust in relationships is that I give it all and face it all head on. I don't doubt or assume because what will those things do? Prevent him/her to cheat? Nope. A cheater and a dishonest person will always be a dishonest person. It means that if they're planning to cheat now and I prevent it with all my paranoia, they will probably likely cheat again in the future. And what if the person isn't a cheater or a dishonest person? Then the relationship fails due to distrust. My point is, and for me, I'd rather have a relationship end because of somebody's mistake. It's going to hurt a lot and it might make you cynical in the future but I'd rather go through things quick without any regrets. Not really sure what to tell you but I always believe in honesty. This guy I've dated always asks me if I'm okay with him meeting up with other girls and I told him he didn't have to ask and I appreciated it because I'd tell him anyway.
my situation is very similar to yours. my boyfriend went back home yesterday and his ex is there. his younger sister and her are friends so she comes over to the house on occasion. she also still likes him. im visiting him later but until i get there and after i leave im worried since she could potentially try something while im gone.
i have told my boyfriend about my worries and he has told me countless times that he loves me, she means nothing to him anymore and he doesnt like that she could come over. despite what he has told me i still feel uneasy. i think its natural for you to not like the situation and to not feel ok with it. he is yours after all and your just being territorial as every women is. i would talk to him about it and hopefully he can figure out a way to not meet up with her or make it so if they do meet lots of other people are around so he can ditch her easily.
Jealousy and envy come from a poor self-image. Jealousy and envy destroy relationships AND the owner of these emotions!
You love your man and are afraid that he will return to his ex-girlfriend. You don't want that to happen.
Love is like a butterfly...It lands softly on your upturned palm and you feel the goodness and see the beauty of it. Closing your fingers too tightly around the butterfly will surely crush it. Holding your fingers open...knowing that the butterfly may leave..(even while your hand is trembling wanting to keep it from leaving) ...is the wisest thing. You cannot hold on to something if it is not meant to be there. But, the butterfly will remain if it feels no fear and knows that there is goodness there.
Be sure to let your guy know how important he is to you..and then you must let him be free to choose (because you DO love him and want the best for him) knowing that someone else may want him, too. Be calm about this. Be rational. Love your guy and keep your hand open even if it trembles a bit wanting to capture him forever.
Such is the pain and uncertainty of love. Know what you have now is good...your guy knows it, too. Trust him. Trust him.
I have been in your shoes. My guy is still here after 34 years.
I hope that this turns out the way you want it to. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your guy.
Christy
This is my philosophy on dating: if they're going to cheat, theyre going to cheat and theres nothing you can do to stop them. If they do cheat then it wasnt meant to be and they obviously dont love you as much as you thought and its NOT your fault. See what happens, you cant tell him who to be friends with and the feelings he had for her are in the past.
I have an ex that we ended terribly. It really was awful but now we are friends, its also hard to just not talk because our families are neighbors down south and our brothers are good friends. We each live across the country from them but we do talk on occasion and there are no feelings there anymore.
this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
I really don't understand the need to stay in contact with someone you don't like... I can see why you're concerned with your SO acting buddy-buddy with a hopeful ex because it only encourages this ex to continue pursuing him thinking there might still be something there. I would say that you ride it out. His actions will speak more of his character and you will know whether or not he's a worthy man. :)
This is gut-wrenching for you because you're obviously frightened that this ex is going to come back and steal your man. If she will steal your man, it will be by his permission. Doesn't sound like he's avoiding her and maybe he is still interested in seeing her...may still carry residual feelings for her.
You are not married and have no legal claims on him.
I have often heard love described as a butterfly. Hold your hand out and it may alight on your outstretched hand.. Close your hand tightly around the butterfly and clench it with all your might to prevent its escape, and it will surely die.
Sometimes, loving someone means you have to 1. trust them 2. know that if they want someone else, you must love your man enough to let him go...no matter the pain that separation may cost you.
Only time will tell. This encounter will seal their relationship and break up yours OR he will find out why he loves you more.
Do not be angry with her..She merely admires the same man you do. Who could fault her for loving the one that you also love? you are not married and there is no legal claim on him.
You must love him enough to trust him in this...or let him go.
By holding him too tightly, you will surely kill your relationship.
Christy, 60 y/o...Been there, done that.
Sending you courage.