Tuesday, 15 May 2012
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Hook-ups, Break-ups and Everything In Between
In my last blog, I was waiting with baited breath to hear my crush's response to my confession that I had feelings for him that were more than friendly. He emailed me back the next morning at 8:20 AM. I knew it was not going to be pretty. It wasn't, he informed me that he had zero desire for a relationship with anyone, other than friendship and that he doesn't see himself "coupling" with anyone.
Although, he absolutely dotes on his nephew and has frequently expressed admiration for his sister's marriage. I was hurt and devastaed, but he has acted completely normal around me and we have resumed a friendship of sorts and I am beginning to be able to see that Oh yes, the man is not "Prince Charming," in fact, he's a little bit froggy. So, after having the blues for a few weeks and shedding more than a few tears, I was able to let that go... ummm, for the most part.
So, last Saturday night I get a friend request from a close friend's brother. I didn't really think that much about it because we all attend the same local college and he and I are acquaintances. So, I clicked accept and went to bed. Sunday afternoon, he started talking to me on FB messenger, just random stuff, school and life. But, Sunday night, he got back on and it quickly went from friendly to WOAH! He started saying how he thought I was cute, that I turn him on and that he wanted to hook up.
I asked him how many girls he had been with and he said, "I don't brag." Then I asked him if he was with anybody now, he said, "yes." I asked if I knew her and that was also an affirmative. When I asked who it was, he told me it was a girl I knew by sight, but not really even an acquaintance. I was surprised because I have been around her enough to know that I don't like her and she kind of comes across as a bitch who's masquerading as sweet.
I was dumbfounded that we had talked casually numerous times at school and had been talking online for hours about hooking up and he had failed to mention a girlfriend, he didn't strike me as that type. I said, "I didn't know you were with anyone." He said, "yeah, me either, she must have slipped my mind."
May I just say that I abhor cheating? I think it is an abominable thing to do and I am NOT that kind of a girl. But, I was already in. He is so cute and funny and I like him. We never hooked up, but we talked about it, planned it (he kept backing out) and we sent flirty/dirty text messages. Then we fought because he wants to make ME the bad guy. Like I'm Deliilah for tempting him. Yes, I have pushed, but then I back off and he starts egging me on again.
I KNOW I should just walk away, this is a horrid idea, it would make me a horrible person, and I don't want to be THAT girl. Yes, I do not like this girl. I already disliked her before I knew they were together, due to the fact that she is just bitchy "sweet" to everyone, but that doesn't justify cheating with her man. There is something about this "bad boy" though, that I just can't seem to walk away from. He makes me feel alive and sexy and weak in the... "knees."
I don't think I am the bad guy for unwittingly kinda falling for him while he has a girlfriend that I had no idea existed, right? But yes, I should've backed off after finding out about her. I did unfriend him on FB Friday night, deleted all his texts messages and his number from my phone, but low and behold, who should send me a message via FB last night, but him? GRRRR!
Oh, and did I mention he was a lot younger than me? Which is another reason I am trying to talk myself out of the whole idea. I am a woman, I KNOW what I want, he is young and indecisive and HORNY!
I think I'd rather be alone, knowing I did the right thing, rather than having to live with the regret of knowing that I helped wreck someone else's relationship, even if I don't particularly care for this person. And I think deep down, he won't respect me if I go through with this or keep pushing for it. Besides, she is moving to California in two months and I am not!
Okay, y'all weigh in with your opinions and thanks so much for all the love and support on my last blog.
With Love,
The Single Girl
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- From: singlegirl29
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Comments (33)
i used to be against the idea of being someone's "cheatee" (i.e. she has a boyfriend and is in bed with me instead). but one day my friend told me something: if someone's going to cheat, she's going to cheat whether it's with you or someone else. you may as well do her boyfriend a favor by making it someone who is clean and respectable (i.e. me).
since then, i've done it a couple times. no, i don't feel any remorse, and yes, i would do it again without hesitation.
I bet you can do better. He sounds like the kind of guy that will hurt you so why put yourself in that position?
Anyone who says they would never cheat or assist cheating is full of shit. Fact is, we're all susceptible to overwhelming feelings of attraction and given the right circumstances, we would act. You make every excuse possible in your head to try to justify it which isn't helped by the other party involved if they're persuasive.
Not saying that everyone WILL cheat no matter what, but we can't be sure that we'll always be as strong as we like to think.
To make things clear, I'd never take a woman seriously who says she would never cheat on her boyfriend. That same woman will be sitting at home the next day writing up another variation of your post.
you asked if he was with anyone, and then you were surprised he didn't mention he had a gf? but you already knew...
and how old are you that you're attracted to this sort of thing? he sounds so childish and immature. he's not even a bad boy.
Yeah move on. Listen to your head, not your heart. You already know what's the right, logical answer to this dilemma.
Datingish shows me time and time again how no one has any morals anymore. Congratulations, you did it again.
yeah I think you can do better, don't fall that low. There's someone better for you out there.
@AsylumBlue - I am a woman, and I can honestly say I would never cheat. Before you tune me out, please listen to the reasons that led me to conclude to this.
I go into relationships knowing that love is a choice, not just an emotion. So I choose guys who I can commit to. And try to work things out with him (communication - I'm still working on perfecting this :P).
I have also been faced with a similar situation to the poster, but have chosen not to continue flirting with the guy, because I honestly care about the other girl, even though I don't know her well. I don't believe in harming innocent people for my own benefit.
So other than being conscious of how I can control my actions despite my feelings and how my actions may affect others, I treat others like I want to be treated. I wouldn't want to be the unknowing, naive girlfriend of a cheater. And I know that if he can do that to his girlfriend, he can do it
to me later on - so what's the point in continuing to flirt with him?
Sorry for ranting, but I don't think all females should get the flack for what several women have done in their, probably more immature, past. If I was asked if I would cheat, and I said never, I hope guys don't think I'm lying or promising impossible things (because cheating can be prevented).
It seems to me that if a person holds on to their logical, rational side, while in a emotions-filled relationship...can and will prevent cheating. And that is why I know I'll never cheat.
I understand that not every girl thinks like me, but I'm sure there are many other girls who do think like I do. I hope you understand my point of view.
Uh you flirted with him and planned out when you both would hook up. You're no better than him.
The cheatee is just as bad as the cheater.
The problem with cheating is -> You are hurting somebody, knowingly and intentionally.
So, you both are just as morally bankrupt.
(And 'getting away with it' the he/she'll-never-know excuse is not applicable!)
I'm not trying to act superior, hell, MY moral compass doesn't exactly point north.
It bothers me, though, I wonder about different situations and whether I would act in the way I hope I would.
i.e -> If, say, my boyfriend and I were fighting or on rocky ground, and some nice guy starts coming onto me... would I cheat?
Obviously, I'd like to think no, but what if the situation was really bad and I was feeling unloved and loney and here comes a nice guy... and that was all she wrote.
(Hopefully, I'd be strong enough to do the right thing and either turn him down or break up with my boyfriend first, but you never know until it happens, do you?)
In short, my advice would be to cut ties with this guy.
He seems like something you would only regret later.
Thanks for all the feedback! I knew I was going to get some haters, but it's ok. I apologized to him for my part in it and completely broke it off- it's over! I take responsibility for my actions, not my brightest, shiniest moment, I admit. I should have never, ever even entertained the idea in the first place! I listened to my lonely instead of my head.
Thanks to all of you who rather than judging me, saw the lonely, vulnerable me and supported me bu telling me to listen to my gut! Much Love, The Single GirlBeing the cheatee is bad, but not as bad as the cheater. The cheater should feel an emotional connection to the person they are actually with. Cheating on them shows a lack of respect and care. I was kind of in the same boat as you, but I knew the guy had a girlfriend. We never hooked up and we mostly only texted when one of us had been drinking. I put an end to it after about a month because I realized that what we were doing wasn't fair to his girlfriend and she's really young. I didn't want her to have a negative view on relationships her whole life because of it. The guy and I had been friends with benefits when we were 17, and now I'm 22. Anyways, moral of the story, either way it's bad, but the cheater should respect their partner enough to not cheat on them. The cheatee doesn't really hold any ties. Except morals haha :)
seeing his answers to your questions makes me want to send the hazmat team to cleanse that filthy slut, who doesnt want to "brag." I get horny sometimes, but usually I brace myself and don't hookup with anyone because I'm more of a romantic than a skank
I was watching this asian drama where this guy took a bullet for his female friend and as cliche as it is, it is courageous nonetheless, and if a guy ever risked his life like that for me, then and only then, I won't hesitate to repay him via a hookup
<---that's the Superman rescuing lois lane/lana lang fantasy
however, why would a guy even do that if there are females, who will easily have sex with him for little to no effort
or vice versa.
Do what you want but don't trick yourself into thinking he'll be yours. If he'll cheat with you, he'll most likely cheat on you.
Loneliness can sure mess with your head. Glad you broke it off though, I also could've seen this going down the path of regret.
I abhor cheating. Yes, she might come off as a bitchy person, but as you said - she's just a girl you know but "sight" and don't even consider yourself an acquaintance with. You can do much better than this guy. He's facebook messaging you, backing out, texting you, and all the while he already has a girlfriend. Imagine how many other girls he must be also trying to get into bed with.
@just_another_cheesy_kid - It's so nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks like this. I was starting to feel that nobody cared about anyone else but themselves anymore.
well, i always think the demonizing the "other woman" is totally stupid. after all, the "cheatee" didn't break a promise to be faithful- it was the cheater who is in the wrong!
that said, it sounds like you really are falling for this guy, and if he cheats WITH you, who's to say he won't cheat ON you? whether it's morally right or wrong, you may be in for a world of hurt if you decide to go with him. just sayin'
@just_another_cheesy_kid - me too! my current boyfriend, we were friends for years and i used to secretly harbor a crush but when he got a girlfriend, i BACKED OFF. i distanced myself, I used to be in pain sometimes talking to him but i knew i could never tell him how i felt while he was with her because that would be totally unfair to both of them, even though he would complain about her quite a bit. he was with her for 3 years, and during that time i moved on and dated others. we didn't get together until they broke up TOTALLY unrelated to me. i would not feel as confident and secure about our relationship today if he had cheated on her or left her for me, i just wouldn't. and i would have far less respect for both of us.
Look, you already know the situation is bad news bears. It's pretty clear that you realize the wrong here & are against it. So walk away. If he IMs you through FB, don't respond or better yet! Explain that while he is still in a relationship - you're off bounds. I don't really see the issue here? You know it's wrong - yet you still entertain the idea. In fact HE'S the one who backs out at the last minute; if he hadn't would you have successfully been 'that other girl?' Mhm. It shouldn't even come down to that, sure it takes two to tango, but you really shouldn't be egging him on as you call it. Disgusting & you KNOW it's disgusting, which makes it that much well, more disgusting.
Grow up, you claim you're a "woman" but any real woman knows that a dude in a relationship coming on to you as a single gal - is not cool. He's not good dating material, & you're no better if you feed the fire.
I'm sorry, you're attracted to this boy? Because he sounds like a COMPLETE douchebag. Surely you can do better,
@AsylumBlue - My real life experience tells me you are very right.
He sounds like a winner, go for it! LOLZ! You will get everything you deserve, yayz!