Tuesday, 15 May 2012
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Issues with My Boyfriend or Perhaps Ex-Boyfriend
I've been dating my boyfriend for six years. We've both been trying to keep this relationship in good standing but it's hard because we have certain things that we can't get over. We broke up a few times due to these things. Then, we couldn't be apart and we come back. But, we have a big issue of trust.... I do trust him up to certain point, he is a good man; but there are bad habits he has that I can't stand.
On the other hand, I have some distrust in him because when he is hanging out with certain friends, he doesn't answer his phone and it takes him time to reply to my messages. He usually tells me it's because he's with his guy friends so he doesn't like replying or answering his girlfriend's calls, which I can't comprehend.
I spoke to him a few times about this subject. I told him that I didn't like that because it's disrespectful to me and I want to know what he is doing and where he is at. But he doesn't like that... he says I am his girlfriend not his mom.
This past weekend, I called him and he didn't answered me. He called me back 10 minutes later, so I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was riding his bike with a friend from work. It sounded like he was indoors, but I told him to enjoy his ride. About 5 hours later I texted him, he didn't reply until an hour later, and then he texted me that he was full from eating so much; I asked him where he ate and he didn't answer me.
I got so tired of this situation, so I drove to his house. While I was driving, he texted me saying that he was driving to his house. When I got there his car was missing, so I went around the block and spotted his car parked in front of his friend's house. I didn't know his friends, all I knew about them was that when he was with them, he didn't answer his phone for some reason. I also know that his friends live a block away from his house. In the past, he always told me that only males live in that house.
I started calling him, he didn't answer. I waited inside my car for 25 minutes and then he came out. He answered my call. He saw my car, then left. I went to the house and rang the bell only to see a young girl and 3 other people inside. I went to his house and I told him if he wasn't going to be completely honest and trustful to leave me alone.
I haven't talked to him in two days but I am very disappointed and confused. I don't want to live a nightmare like that but I have feelings and questions.
Please tell me what to do?
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- From: bella1446
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Comments (39)
Break up with him.
Whew, that was the easiest advice ever.
:O what @Nous_Apeiron@xanga - said
wow it's like he has a social life that's completely excluded of you and he doesn't want you to be a part of it.
definitely time to let him go. or at least take a long break.
Honestly, you sound like a control freak. He called you back 10mins later and you got pissed? Just break up.
Break up with him. If you still have this many trust issues after 6 years, clearly you're never going to trust him.
You sound like a control freak, honestly. It's not normal to go driving to his house to make sure he's telling you the truth, and if someone did that to me, I'd break up with them. You need to let him have his time with his friends. He's right - you're not his mum and he doesn't need to let you know where he is 24/7. When he's out with his friends, he does not have to call you and text you, because he's with his friends and it's rude to spend your time with other people on the phone with someone else.
You need to either relax and let him have his social life (why don't you ask to come along or arrange something with your friends while he's out with his?) or break up with him, because honestly, I've dated someone who acted like you and it was really off-putting. You need to let him breathe. He's probably telling you white lies to shut you up and to stop you harassing him when all he wants to do is have fun.
holy shit you're that crazy, controlling girlfriend dating the guy who doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth.
I am with @daydreams_nightmares@xanga .
I also want to add that whether he is doing something or not, if you distrust him to the point that you hunt him down and sit in your car for almost half an hour, you really don't need to be in that relationship. If he really is lying to you to the point that you are borderline stalking him, then you need to leave. If he isn't, and you just can't let it go.. you still need to leave and just be with someone who feels the same way about these things as you do.
This is just going to cause everyone stress, drama, and grief they don't need regardless of whether he is telling you the truth or not.
wow, just wow. Talk about dysfunctional relationship.
He doesn't answer your calls when he's with his friends because he's trying to spend time with his friends, not with you. Calling someone back ten minutes later or not responding to a text message until an hour later probably means he's engaged with something else rather than guarding his phone. Maybe only males lived in that house, but they had a female friend over that day (or one of their girlfriends, or a sibling, or...). And maybe he didn't lie about his final destination, but rather changed plans (since they're close anyway).
Honestly, it sounds like you need to relax and do some deep introspection.
*Why* do you need to know where he is at all times? Has he given you an indication that he's untrustworthy? Are you taking out other insecurities on him? It sounds to me like there's something a little "deeper" at work here. If so, what is it?
If you really can't trust him, it sounds like time to either break it off or do some serious relationship fixing (possibly with a therapist). This is not a healthy relationship for either of you.
You can't comprehend that you are being disrespectful of him by stalking him, expecting him to inform you of his every action, or not letting him have time with friends? Please, put dating on hold until you work out your control issues.
@eatdrinkandbemaryy@xanga - haha
OP:
ok here's what you do bag up the crazy and burn it. you are stalker-girl. you are his girlfriend not his wife, (him saying not his mom makes me think he may have some other issues, some apron strings may need to be cut). there was a young girl and 3 other guys in the house? so, she may be his buddy's girlfriend? or are all his friends asexual and homosexual gynophobes and don't associate with women at all? what makes you think that because this girl was there that she lives there, did you check her ID for her address?
there's a reason he doesn't tell you everything; you can't handle the very little you know. I agree with the people who said you should break up with him, it's the best thing that could happen to him at this point in his life.
Stop being so clingy. Problem solved.
I agree with everybody above. You are a control freak and you really need to loosen up. Your current behavior will do nothing other than drive him crazy and drive him away.
You should be in a relationship with someone equally as clingy as you are. It seems like he's more independent and just needs space from you right now.
I think you need to be out of a relationship for a while. You clearly have trust issues and he doesn't seem particularly concerned about making you feel better about anything. Driving to his house and sitting outside his friends house is a bit extreme. I used to get really anxious and jealous in relationships but then I was single for a while, and then found a decent guy I can trust and haven't had those issues anymore. You're clinging so desperately to make sure he doesn't do something, that it's going to actually push him to hurt you. You should take a break because what's going on right now is not good for either of you and you're going to drive him away.
this girl has trust issues, it doesn't mean she is a control freak lol.
with that said, i wonder why you have trust issues haha. this guy tells you nothing and that isn't fair. just because you want to know where he's at doesn't mean you are acting like a mom. if he said there was only guys in a house where he goes then you see a girl in there, of course you will be wondering why he lied to you and what else he lies about. he is just making you crazy though girl and you don't need that. keep not talking to him and find someone else.
Totally my situation, but I don't drive around looking for him. I just need to get out more. I am keeping him from having a life.
@blowingmoney There's a fine line between having trust issues & whatnot..& driving to the guys house & waiting for twenty-five minutes, watching & then when he leaves going up & ringing the doorbell, Just saying.
I would say controlling. Because you say "certain friends" like they're bad influences..but you don't bother to cite any of what makes them not cool for him to hang out with. You seem to freak out if you call him, when he's hanging out with whoever & he doesn't pick up. He's exactly right - you're not his mom, your his girlfriend. HUGE difference. Chill out. You DROVE to his house when you called him & he returned the call ten minutes later - why again? Oh because you 'thought' it sounded like he was inside, when he told you he was outside riding his bike. Did you ever think that maybe there was no wind blowing right then, he was not riding so he could return the call & for whatever reason there wasn't traffic at that moment? No. You have like zero trust in your man. Maybe he tells you white lies so you would leave him alone to hang out with who HE WANTS without you complaining. Just because he has his own life going on with his own friends that he doesn't feel comfortable meshing you with right now doesn't mean he's a bad dude or that he's cheating. Give him his space! Show him that you TRUST him & on the off chance he is being shady? Well just dump him! But honestly? Driving to his house when you have really NO proof that he wasn't riding his bike & actually wait in your car for 25 minutes is fucking creepy! That's like borderline stalker behavior. He hasn't given you any real red flags to do that & the more you do that sort of stuff..the more you're pushing him away & the more he's not going to want to be open with you & his friends.
Let him have his life, go live yours.
jesus, how DARE he have friends and actually pay attention to them when he's hanging out with them instead of being glued to his phone. with a girlfriend like you, it's no wonder he lies now. you created this problem by not allowing him to have a life. now you get to deal with it until one of you has the sense to leave the other.
you guys seem to be very different... you seem very controlling and he's not the type that wants to be controlled, he needs his freedom and space and doesn't like to share what he's doing.
if you can't trust him after 6 years, what makes you think you're going to be able to trust him in the future?
You're freaky/creepy for always checking up on him: what he's doing and where he's at.
You have trust issues (only with him hopefully). And he have problems for trying to maintain a double life, one without you and one with you. I don't see the problem of letting his friends know about you, or talk to you when with friends.
Conclusion: you guys are completely different.
Break up with him and learn how to not be so controlling. Good luck!
I'm not going to call you a control freak and judge you like everyone else is so ready to do on here. I don't know all the particulars of whats going on here, and who you are. So I can't say you ARE a control freak. I will say you're coming off as one. However, as humans, we're ALL assholes in one way or another. Just like all these people slamming you over a blog. They're assholes too and they do shitty things from time to time like we all do.
My advice would be, it doesn't matter how much you feel like you can't be apart when you break up. You either deal with your fear and insecurity and trust him and stop badgering him to tell you where he is and what he's doing (in time, if he IS trustworthy he will open up more and more to you and eventually you will be the one person he tells everything. The only way of knowing if he's trustworthy is by finding out the hard way, and you must make the decision on whether or not he's worth the risk), or you DON'T have a relationship with someone you can't trust. Anything other than those two options is going to be bad for both of you, and it will NEVER work out well. I can pretty much promise you that, via personal experience. If I were you, I'd follow my advice, since I really wish someone had told me what I'm telling you. Either way, I wish you luck. Everyone deserves to be happy in life.
I can see how people are saying you are a control freak because of wanting to know what he is doing, and going to the extent of spying. HOWEVER. I think you have certain standards, and he clearly does not meet them. Call it controlling or not, this is the way you are and I think it's perfectly healthy. The spying wasn't as creepy as it sounds because I feel like you did it to back up your theory that he can't be trusted. You found your evidence and then based on your findings, you told him to hit the road. Let me clear the air by saying a controlling person would CONTINUE to spy and CONTINUE to attempt to get the person to conform to what they think they should be doing. You Spied, you saw, you conquered and left him to think about what has happened. You're not controlling. You're just a bad bitch. >;)
What WOULD make you controlling and throw everything I said out the window is if you decide to back to him, despite knowing this is a problem. This won't change, He doesn't meet your ideals. Find someone who you don't feel you need to spy on. You sound like a well-rounded young lady and I think you'll find someone who suits your standards perfectly.