Friday, 11 May 2012
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Relationships and Drawing the Line
My SO and I have recently celebrated our one year anniversary of living together. We've had ups and downs and as of recently, more downs than ups.
We've had our fair share of problems where he's treated me less than stellar, mostly verbal explosions (no name calling, but using my past against me and throwing my experiences in my face), and made me feel terrible about decisions I've made in the past. I won't say I've been perfect, we all know that can't be true, but I can't admit to deserving the kind of treatment I've received.Where do we draw the line?
A couple of weeks later, we were leaving for a trip to Canada to see our mutual best friend get married to her long time boyfriend (we're down in the states, long trip) who is also a friend of ours. We had a mix-up at one of our connections and missed our flight.
He was furious. He told me how it was completely my fault and he NEVER should have let me even look at the itinerary. Actually, it was his fault for letting me look. It wasn't worth talking to me about it. I responded to him that we both had equal part in missing the flight, we both made the mistake and in no way was I the only one to blame. Not in his head.
He was going to go take a shower (we stayed in a hotel overnight). And so he did. He pounded on the bathroom walls for at least 20 minutes yelling about our bad luck at the airport, showing how aggravated he was. All the while, I sat there and just waited.
This wasn't the guy I thought I met. This wasn't the guy I was friends with for three years before we moved in together, or the guy I had been living with for at least 8 months prior to our relationship turning into this. How did it get to this point?
We ended up having a nice time in Canada. It was a beautiful wedding and I talked to my friend after the wedding about what happened. She just so happens to have a degree in psychology and had wonderful advice on how to talk to my SO. I came home and spoke to him within days, letting him know that the first time was the last time and I'd be gone if it happened again.
He got away with verbally treating me like a punching bag for a couple of weeks too long and that was my mistake, but he'd never get that close to a physical outburst again and expect me to stick around, comprende?
I'm glad we had that conversation early on. He apologized and we had a very heartfelt conversation about it. That was a couple of months ago and our relationship has completely turned around since then.
My last question to you, Datingish readers, is have you ever been in this situation or know of someone who has been? What was your advice to them?
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- From: xcrownedhopeless
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Comments (21)
If you have to ask, you know the answer. Now dump him.
I've actually been THAT guy. Yeah, it was my ex who told me about my verbal abuse that I was able to acknowledge it and make a change for the better.
sounds like my ex. i dumped him for a reason
Moral of the story: Don't let women read the itinerary.
I've dated a verbally abusive guy once. I "forgave" him each time thinking that it could, or he could, change... but he never did. You can only change a person so much...
I should have dumped him in the beginning instead of dragging the relationship out and hoping for the best. It only wasted my time... and buckets of tears that could have been spared. It was a waste of my heart and love that could have been devoted to someone who was nice, not mean, to me.
ok heres my thoughts.. he started being an ass, verbally abusive.. you sought help from someone you both trust.. you talked about it.. he has changed.
You did a bunch of things right. You went to someone you know would be able to help you talk to him. And the biggest thing you did was give it some time to cool off, and then talk to him about it.
But you said since you two talked he has changed.. so I would leave it. You know the warning signs now, and if he starts again I would suggest some counseling. if he refused, pack up your things and leave.
Ive been in the abusive situation.. Started with verbal abuse, ended much worse....
I have been (twice) and I did exactly the same as you. Neither guy believed my ultimatum and both acted very shocked when I went through with my promise and ended the relationship, haha. As long as you mean it when you give an ultimatum, it's fine. But if you keep forgiving someone over and over again, they know they can get away with it and they have no incentive to change.
I think you did the right thing, and he seems to have changed, so, yay!
In my case, it wasn't an SO but my dad. When the world upset him, he had to yell and rage about it. It was never about me or something I'd done, but I didn't like it. When I was 15 I wrote him a letter (since I couldn't say it to his face and this way he had time to digest it on his own) saying that I love him, he's a great dad, but when he gets into these moods I can't take it, and that if he continued to act that way, that once I got on the plane to leave for university, I wouldn't be back.
He's been way better since. I didn't see him in a mood like that for years afterwards. I've seen it again recently, but maybe it's time for a reminder talk.
Welp, I'm unsubscribing from datingish again. Thanks to @Jendog88@xanga for showing me why I shouldn't have come back.
@thoiDiHero@xanga - I like hearing this, sort of, knowing that you've been in the same boat my SO has been and that you made a change for yourself. I feel confident that he can turn around his behavior just as easily as you did. He's been much better as of the last months but hearing your story makes me think it can definitely be permanent. Thank you. :)
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - You see it very accurately. I do plan to leave it as is but I very much so wanted to hear other stories and how they turned out. Counseling is something that I had thought of bringing up to him but I admit I wanted to sort of avoid it, already being in counseling for similar situations I've been in throughout my past. It would definitely be an option if problems arose again but wouldn't be an option for time three or if there were any escalations. I can only take so much, you know?
Thanks for the input from everyone. Most were helpful in one way or another, one or two not so much but thank you nonetheless.
My husband and I both grew up around yelling parents, so that's how we learned to deal with things when we're angry or upset. Over the years we've had some pretty crazy screaming matches, but as time goes on (and with some self-restraint and effort from both of us), they have lessened in both severity and frequency. It's possible to learn how to better deal with things, but you both need to have patience and commitment to finding a better way to communicate. It takes time.
I am an impulsive, emotional and angry person too. But if I throw a jar or a couple of knives or bang my head or kick the walls, that does NOT mean I would kick or hurt people. So my advice is to trust me, or leave.
I know what I do. I know why I am angry, and that it is not always the person's fault but rather a whole set of different circumstances. That being said, I don't blame them for things they didn't do either, or with things that are irrelevant like their past.
I think people should be more tolerant towards anger. Some people cry others get mad. You cannot say "it is ok to have feelings" on one side and say it is just low and not ok to be angry. (Even though most people say that no one is entitled to have feelings at all, after all there are drugs against that.)
Like I said, if it scares you or hurts you you can leave. But I believe in working things out like trying to understand their reason, rather than setting ultimatums (if they serve as a device to change the peron). That is not to say I don't care what they feel or wasn't willing to change but if they can't get along with me (and humans just HAVE certain personalities) at all and don't care about what I feel then I see no point.
I'm glad it worked out for you though. It is great yo talked, communication is always the key.
bottom line: I think 'the line' is at the point where it gets personal, and turns against you, physically or verbally.
If it ever happens again. Get out. I already have a feeling that he'll go back to his old ways soon enough.
I've been through it before but much worse. It's not worth it. The things that you mentioned in this post was only the beginning of it all for me. I would plead for you to get out if it happens again down the road.
@Jendog88@xanga - You diagnosed him yourself through some googling and reading? lol.
this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
@LeeKymKween@xanga - Yes. But he matched all the criteria provided, practically every description. I feel a psychologist would diagnose him the same. Laugh all you want, there's not a shadow of a doubt in my mind. And given his upbringing, it also made perfect and undeniable sense.
You don't need a professional for every single answer in life. Just saying.
@Jendog88@xanga - Then why don't you guys go together and have him consult a professional to confirm your theory?
I would personally be insulted if I spent 7 years in university to come out as certified clinical psychologist, only to have my profession spat on by someone who thinks a little light reading over the internet can suffice. If it weren't for these scientists alone, you wouldn't have even heard of ptsd to be able to diagnose him yourself in the first place.
I'd hope for your sake that your assumptions about his illness are correct, otherwise i'd face palm myself at the amount of crap you've allowed yourself to endure from his crappy behaviour.
@LeeKymKween@xanga - 1.) I have been trying to get him to see a therapist. And he is resistant. He does not think it can help him. And factually, most therapists struggle with borderline patients.
2.) I read for hours and hours, for a week straight, to be sure I felt I had found the answer. I left no stone or aspect of his behavior unturned.
3. I did not say ptsd. I said borderline. They are not always related disorders, even though in some cases they can be.
No matter what, psychology is considered a "soft science". All of psychology is. They change their minds about things all the time, and many just try to push the agenda of pharmaceutical companies in the first place, because with this disorder, schooling is not always enough to effectively treat it, nor is therapy. It often does not work on patients.
And...I'm very sure I am correct. He is otherwise a very genuine person, and is very remorseful for his behavior. His desire to fix the problem and his struggles with it have gone on for as long as he says he can remember. But I will never regret my efforts to help someone I love, and who I know truly needs help & support. I've met plenty of people enough to know who has had control, who hasn't, and what the signs are. Trust me. But with your comments, I wonder how much you've had to deal with those who have mental disorders in your life--because if you're around it enough, you start catching on to the patterns, trust. I have a lot of experience with disordered friends, and occasionally family members.
I'm done with this back-and-forth, as it is pointless, and we will never see eye to eye. And that's fine...I know what I know, I'm confident of that, and I'm intelligent enough to know the difference. I do see your points, and how you could feel the way you do, but I have years of experience to back up my point of view, and library research as well as countless hours of online reading, from other people who have lived through these things, as well as nurses and psychologists. I've got the knowledge. I'm just glad I didn't waste countless money to get it.
I respect your points. And if you could have a view into the knowledge and experience I've got under my belt, you'd probably see where I'm coming from.
about the ptsd - my bad , i forgot the name of the disorder because you deleted your original comment.
while i do understand that at the beginning, psychology was scoffed and disregarded as a science, it has definitely advanced since freud, and is now being acknowledged. The whole idea of it being a "soft science" is noncurrent. Psychology doesn't just revolve around baseless theories; it relies on the understanding of biochemistry, neuroanatomy, molecularbio etc. There will always be more to understand/learn in any other field in science.
I admire the amount of passion you've put into researching this illness. Although you've drawn your diagnosis out from your own recreational research and your personal experiences, you will never be certified to give out a clinical diagnosis of a patient. It is because quite frankly, as much as you'd like to think you do, you don't know everything there is to be understood about these disorders; from its physical aspect, down to it's neurological and molecular understanding.
The use of drugs and therapy is never 100% effective because the use of the drug and it's effect in vivo is much more complicated than it seems. I know this because i'm studying medical science and i'm required to touch on a bit of pharmacology among many other subfields of science. I personally don't take the fearmongering of drugs and pharmaceutical companies seriously, so I won't delve into that point.
And, knowledge is never a waste of money. Thankfully, it hasn't cost me a cent. Assuming that you're from the u.s(correct me if i'm wrong), it's a shame that your country's government doesn't help with covering the fees for university students.
It was nice chatting.
Communication is KEY, truly. I'm glad you guys seem to be taking a lesson in communicating. However, keep in mind that if you're giving out threats, like you'll leave him if it happens again, you will HAVE to stick to them. Otherwise, you're shooting yourself in the leg and will become a punch bag in the end. So, be careful. Definitely talk things out. If things get too rev'ved up, come up with a "treaty word" type of thing that you guys can do or say that will let the other know that you just can't discuss it any further without getting too mad to control yourself, so you need to take a time apart to calm down before approaching it again. You know? Best wishes. I hope it all works out!!