Friday, 11 May 2012
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Work It Out Or Leave?
This post was submitted anonymously by a Datingish reader.
I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years. These past few months have been hard for me. I've been extremely unhappy and I honestly don't know what to do.I moved in with my boyfriend last year. Things in the beginning were going well. We were both happy and it was just a great time for us. I never spent a lot of time with him, so it was perfect for the both of us. As time went on, things changed. We don't have our date nights anymore. My social life suffers because I stay in with him.
I would get panic attacks (something I never really got until meeting him) more often. On top of that our sex life right now is pretty much non-existent. I'm in my mid-twenties but I feel like I'm in my 60s.I feel like I've done everything I can. We've talked about our issues and have discussed ways we can fix things. However, nothing is being accomplished I feel like. At the end of the day I still feel the same.
The simple solution would be for me to leave. It's not that easy.
For starters, my boyfriend has helped me through a lot of things. I'm not going into specifics, but compared to past relationships he's helped me more than any guy ever has and I know that he will continue doing that.
If I were ever in a bad situation, I know that he will be the first person to be there for me. My family also loves him very much, especially my mom. My mom genuinely cares about him, which is a first. He's done a lot of nice things for her and vice versa. They enjoy his company when he comes over to my mom's house.
I know that all relationships aren't perfect. I know that eventually the "honeymoon phase" ends. I know that it takes work to make relationships work.What should I do?
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Comments (35)
Maybe you should spend more time with your friends, or pick up a hobby. Missing him a little goes a long way.
How does he feels? Leaving someone that has been loving and supporting because you feel bored? Idk I really don't get this era, maybe it's the way it works for people, jump to the next thing when your partner stops being exciting at your eyes...
I've been in your partner's position, sucks but maybe he could find someone like him if you leave ...
Well, MAKE it happen. Don't just talk about it. Make an effort that goes beyond communication. Maybe he'll see that and work with it. Sounds like you're over saturated with him. Go do something for YOU. Or, like others have said, don't stay in. Go out. Do something, go out with friends. Your BF will be there when you go home, nothing is saying you HAVE to stay in with him.
or maybe he won't, but at that point you'll know what your next step is.
I say work it out. He sounds like the type of guy that's worth putting some effort into. Besides,as everyone else has stated,hang out with friends. Visit family without him. Maybe go to a spa or something..just something to take your mind off of him.
Do you honestly feel like you've done everything you've can? Do you really feel you've made a solid, 100% effort to fix/work on the relationship? You don't have your date nights anymore? Make them happen. Explain to him why they're so important to you. Yes go out more. I think it could help you a lot. I also think you're focusing way too much on how badly it's not working than making the effort it takes to make it work. You say you discuss your issues and how to fix things but nothing feels like it's being accomplished. Do both of you actually follow through continually trying to make things better? Or do you just do it for a day or two then go back into a routine.
I think ultimately you need to really think hard and evaluate how important your partner is to you.
"If I were ever in a bad situation, I know that he will be the first
person to be there for me. My family also loves him very much,
especially my mom. My mom genuinely cares about him, which is a first.
He's done a lot of nice things for her and vice versa. They enjoy his
company when he comes over to my mom's house." These are all good things, but they're not reasons to stay with a person. The only good reason to stay with someone is if you love him. Do you?
If you do, I think you can work it out. By spending time with friends and outside of your relationship; by bringing excitement back into the relationship (surprise new lingerie works well ;)), by undertaking interesting activities alone or together. e.g. if you like to cook you can undertake a challenge of trying new recipes and/or cuisines together. I've also heard that moving out without breaking up works for some couples--absence makes the heart grow fonder and all. Ultimately, either choice WILL work out. For both of you. Good luck!
Have yall actually acted on these talks??? I noticed that sometimes when a couple talks, they do not act on the decisions. Why don't you take him out on a fun date night? Dress up in something sexy for him? Try to liven things up between you two!!! Then see what happens. You can't just wait for him or for something to happen so take action!!! =D
But if you still feel there is nothing but his support for you keeping you in the relationship, get out of it. He deserves someone worthy of his love and you deserve someone worthy of whatever you have to give.If you are not happy and you are feeling worn out, it doesn't sound like he's helping you out. Rather, he can't help you out. You guys are only human, people change, and that's what you have to decide. Is the person he is now someone you can foresee being good for you in the long-term?
It can work out, but you have to WANT it to. Relationships fail because people aren't willing to put in the effort it takes to keep them. If you're willing to just let it all go, then it's not fair to him. You guys just can't talk about it, if the relationship is really important to you both, you'll work as hard as you can for it and fight for it. I know I would with my SO, no matter what obstacles got in our way.
Take up a new hobby, spend time with some girlfriends. It might improve things just by getting a little space and missing quality time with one another.
I could give you an advice, but would you listen to it? Would you reason out why it doesn't work, and feel that because I'm not in your shoes I don't really know the situation so my advice wouldn't apply? I'm considering this kind of mindset, so no matter how open you are to advice, I don't feel that there's one that would fully work out for you so instead I will question you:
1) What do you want out of the relationship? What does he want?
2) What are things you want and/or willing to do for yourself and/or on your own? Are there things you want to explore?
3) What are things he wants and/or willing to do for himself and/or on his own? Are there things he wants to explore?
4) What are things you both want and/or willing to do together? Are there things you both want to explore together?
If you don't have answer, then figure it out. Once you figure it out, you both will know what to do.
What UnconventionalButterfly said.
Make yourself get out more. Find some friends. Do things on your own. This not only means that you won't always be in each other's space, but it also means that you'll have external sources of excitement. Excitement that you can bring home with you and tell him about. It's a win-win.
If you want date nights or more sex, initiate them. I think the above will help with at least the latter in an organic way, but if it doesn't fix itself, it's a great idea to go out of your way for it. If you try and he refuses, that's a different problem altogether.
It sounds like you're just in a slump - which I think is usually a phase to work through, not a reason to abandon ship. Your post gives me the impression you're just a little bored, not that there's anything seriously wrong, so it shouldn't be *too* hard to get to a point of true satisfaction once again.
Move out. Live in seperate places til you're married. TRUST ME. It will work out then.
it sounds like your life is in a rut. i was in a rut for a whole semester + a little longer... just try to get out of it.. you don't need to break up over this
"what should I do?"
Ask for advice somewhere other than datingish, for starters.
I think you should talk to him about it. I straight up told my bf that i'm way too young to be an overly comfortable couple and date nights are important to me because they represent so much more than just having fun such as showing someone you care to plan a nice night out, or compromising dates and time and event, and such. Although I felt really bad about it and hesitated since I don't like the idea of having to request it, how is the other person supposed to know otherwise right?
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I agree, by having your own space for a while, you both get to treasure each other more and realize how much you both truly care about each other.
If you really feel that you need to leave, then you should. Don't feel obligated to stay with him just because you think you owe him.
Work it out, if it doesn't work out then leave! No point to keep trying if it keeps failing, it works with life but not with love.
Well, go out then! Have your date nights, have your social life, make him miss you. Making yourself "too available" is a pretty dangerous thing really - because like you've seen, you get stuck in a rut. You guys living together shouldn't kill your social life - go out with your friends, go to dinner, and maybe make a night each week for you guys to go out together? Don't just sit at home - go to a movie, dinner, out to a museum or to the beach or even just for a walk. If you have a night each week where you have to go out and do something, you'll have something to look forward to and it won't just be the same thing all the time.
It's SO easy to get stuck in a rut, but you can get out of it. Keep doing new things, go out, have fun and don't let your relationship stop you living your life - best of luck!
i'm a bit confused at this post. you say your relationship is failing because.. you guys don't have date nights anymore and you have no social life? ....both which can be EASILY fixed.
i feel like these are just excuses for you being lazy. i understand where you are in your position because i'm kinda going through the same thing, BUT, i realized how i'm SO grateful for all the things my boyfriend has done. like you, he has helped me so much and done SO much for me, like literally choosing ME over his FAMILY. if you really can't overlook the small things like this and put in effort, then your bf doesn't deserve you. if you lack social life, just call up ur gf's and go out. if you think your relationship is boring, google a few new activities and be like, babe, wana join in with me? what your relationship is lacking is not communications (since you said you've talked it out) but MOTIVATION to keep the fire burning.There is always two sides to the story. You feel that nothing has been accomplished. Well, how does he feel about it? Has anything been different since the last time you two spoke besides the way you feel that nothing has been accomplished?
Have you two been intimate? Or try different ways to make your sex live different or spice it up? Did your social life suffer because he made you stay in with him or was it because you chose to stay with him and neglect your friends?
Bottom line is, it takes two to make a relationship work. If you're already out of the relationship, no matter what he does to fix the relationship, it won't work. Both of you need to want and make this relationship work; not just one person. But if you are truly unhappy and no longer want in in this relationship, it's simple; leave. Yes. Just leave to be fair to yourself and HIM. No one wants to stay with someone who is unhappy in the relationship.
If you are unhappy, then you need to either leave or talk to him about how serious you are about needing things to change.
Just remember that guys like that are hard to come by.
Maybe you need some guidance or advice on how to do that?
First off, talk to him and you might even begin to realize that he may be feeling the same way.
But before you talk to him, think about what YOU can do to help make things better. Plan a date, buy something special to spice up things in the bedroom, flip your daily routine with him so it's not the same thing every day and night. Don't try to change him if you don't like the situation, change yourself and your own attitude. Be accountable of the things you can do, versus what you can't. If at the end things get better, you will learn to appreciate the hard work it took to get there and most importantly, to keep it there. Communication and having a plan that you both can execute are key in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Uhhh.. are you passive aggressively blaming your panic attacks on your boyfriend.. or did I read that part all wrong?