Monday, 07 May 2012
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When You Lose the One
He was my first love, my first boyfriend—and it was so perfect. I felt like I was floating, he bought me gifts, cooked for me and made me laugh so much. I was happy. He finished his degree, he moved back home to his parents 300 miles away and I was left to finish my degree.
A year after he left uni, I ended up moving into a house with some friends who quickly turned out to be spiteful, nasty and deceitful. I won't go into everything they did to me because that still is too horrific to recall. I needed my boyfriend, I called him and I confided in him, cried an awful lot and got very confused and paranoid about everything.
He had enough of me, and told me over the phone that it was over and it was my fault for not trusting him, because of the distance. The way I see it, I was going through hell, that girl wasn't me, I'm actually insulted that he forgot the real me and he couldn't forgive me for that; he couldn't hold on until I came back and made it right again.
3 months have gone by now. I still cry myself to sleep, I miss him. Although I don't have any friends now they hurt me more than anyone can imagine, I am feeling better within myself. I'm stronger and I see more and more of myself everyday. I feel terrible for all of the crying I did. He must have absolutely hated me for being so weak to need to get rid of me like that. I didn't want to be blamed for this but every word he said put this all on me.
I cut contact, deleted him from Facebook just as everyone recommended but the hurt remains. What if he was the one and I blew it because I couldn't handle a bad situation? He probably doesn't give me a second thought anymore, he told me he was relieved it was over and that killed me inside.
I lost the man who promised forever. I'm such an idiot!
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About the Author
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- From: R4ch4e1
- Name: R4ch4e1
- Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
- About Me: Heartbroken girly trying to find her way in life...
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Comments (15)
The way I see it, if he can't handle you at your worst then he doesnt deserve your best. He should have beent here for you when you needed him and he dropped the ball. I would like to hear more about the trust issues though, were you the crazy lady or just a little insecure? I hope its the latter.
i don't necessarily think it was just that. you were apart for a year. out of sight, out of mind. there is a reason long distance doesn't work (for the vast majority, at least).
by the way, you did the right thing by cutting him off. i think it will help you get better faster.
If you find a way please let me know! I know you don't need to hear this but it has been more than three years for me and I still struggle cuz I do believe he was "the one"...that concept would hurt you and if it's within your possibilities to let go that ("the one" ideal) you'd be far better.
I've seen people find love many times during their life so best of lucks and I trully hope you can get tird of the "one and only" delusion cuz no one should be placed in the "forever alone" position I've put myself.
You didn't blow it. In relationships and marriage, times get tough. You don't want to be with someone who will so easily bail out. He was not the one for you. It sounds like he has said some really hurtful things to you. Time to move on and be strong and find the right guy for you....someone who will stick by you in both the good times AND the bad cause there will always be hard times.
Give it time. It's only been a few months and while I know that seems like an eternity to you, you've got to remember that you're young. Times get hard and generally, your first love in life isn't your last. I mean, you guys were young - distance is tough on anyone, especially when you're used to seeing each other every day and I imagine it was hard on him. I mean, think of it from his viewpoint - every time you guys spoke you probably got upset and after a while, he probably dreaded talking to you if you were complaining and miserable all the time. Now, I'm not saying you didn't go through a hard time or that it was entirely your fault, but it takes two to make a relationship work and you can't make someone stay with you if they don't want to be there.
Don't get back in touch while you're still hurting. I promise you'll just open up more wounds and the progress you've made will vanish pretty quickly. I know it hurts, but stay strong. It WILL get better, you just have to keep your distance and focus on new things - maybe your job if you're working, or your degree, or new friends and family, or maybe get a hobby - it is hard but you've got to learn to get over him. And I promise it will happen, it just takes time.
your not an idiot, he's the weak one ..for not supporting you when you obviously needed him the most. if he couldn't be there for you in the way a guy who was truly in love with you would have been, then a future with him would never be possible anyway. in time, your heart will heal & you will be so much happier you moved on.
yeah, i agree with the other readers. he obviously only wants you when you're all happy and easy to handle. a good boyfriend would be willing to make you feel better when you're crying and stuff.. not run away. he is not "the one".. he's a jerk.
Thanks for your comments so far guys! I actually wrote this a while back so a lot of things have changed for me now.
Just to clarify, the trust issue was with him, he didn't trust me! Some things were so bad I couldn't talk about it, so I would evade it and this made him not trust me. Like I said I was going through some quite serious troubles really.
I agree daydreams that he would have been sick of me crying, I knew that at the time but there was nobody else to turn to and holding up my problems inside would have made things twice as bad. I chose to confide in what I thought was my one true friend. Also he would have hated visiting me, because everything they did to me, they did it to me worse when he was around. His presence really aggravated them!
Basically, yes time does alter things. I'm much happier now, yet I haven't moved on fully
You're doing everything right in order to move on, I'm glad that things are getting better.
It's too bad that things went the way they did (distance can alter a lot of things), but in the end, he wasn't the one for you. Each time I have been in a relationship, it has seemed like "the best" relationship, until it ended. Then you wonder "will I ever find that again?" But here's the thing - you will find that again... that and MORE. Your next relationship will have all the gifts and laughter and cooking of the first one... but the support and understanding that this one ultimately lacked. It's hard to see how something unknown can be "better" sometimes, until we experience it.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and the fact that things ended how they did was testiment to the fact that it was just not meant to be... there is someone else wonderful out there for you, still waiting to be found.
I know how this feels - I was in the same situation, (He dumped me because I was going through issues with my parents and I assume he couldn't handle me crying and letting out my anguish to him even though he was partially to blame for the problems I was going through, though it wasn't really his fault. It was more for the fact that we were together) and it happened over a year ago. Although I'm in a far better place than I was when it was still fresh, I don't think I'll completely be over him because we shared some really good times together. We cut off contact on his wishes, and I realize now that this was probably the best thing he ever did for me. Once you stop talking/stalking you gradually stop thinking about the other person and the pain becomes easier to block out which will allow you to focus on better things in your life. Occasionally, you might still think back and feel remorse, guilt and longing, but for the most part you'll probably be functioning until you meet the right person (Part of the reason they'll be the right person is because they will make you feel at ease with the other person)
This guy is a total jerk, if what you posted is the whole truth.. Count it as a blessing that he is out of your life.
You were going through a lot, but in a way, he probably feel that you were putting too much on him, too. Next time, don't move in with anyone. Just live by yourself. It works better that way.
Sweetie... You didn't lose the man who promised you forever... HE left you. He broke his promise to you. However... One day you will meet someone who will make you realize it would have NEVER worked out with anyone else. Give yourself some more time to grieve if you need to, but don't let it consume your future. You've got lots of life to live and you eventually need to start going out and living it! You have to look beyond the negative. His actions does not speak of YOUR character. Focus on what you have accomplished and that little voice in your head that might pipe in with a mean comment about how stupid you are, etc., it'll shut itself right up. I'm sending you my love and good thoughts! Talk about it when you feel that you really need to let it out. Find some nicer friends. You'll get through this. :)
if he's gone, he wasn't "the one". i have had my fair share of relationships, and if someone can't support you when you are being that stressed-out crazy lady, to hell with 'em. you think he could have handled you through the stress of wedding planning? or pregnancy? what about if you're laid off, or when your parents die? life brings out the worst in us, and you need someone who can see you through all of it. this guy just proved he couldn't early on. losing your first love hurts, but you'll find someone even better out there. part of how i know my fiance is the right guy for me is because he can handle my crazy
and you'll find that, too. chin up! and in the meantime, i have found that watching "the sound of music" and eating an entire package of E.L.Fudge cookies does wonders for a broken heart. it's worth a shot 
I thought I'd lost the one when me and my boyfriend had some troubles earlier this year. In a nutshell, his grandmother died who he was very close to, and it destroyed him. He completely changed as a person, went into his shell, and started pushing me away. Like, literally avoiding me (we live together so this basically meant spending every night out with his friends.) After a month or so of this, I got very depressed. I still loved him so much but he just wasn't the same person anymore. Then, he started getting texts and calls from girls at all hours of the day, and I got paranoid. I started checking his phone and stuff - and while I'm sure he never cheated, it was painful that he was talking to these girls so normally, while completely ignoring me. It broke my heart. I started to become a different person as well at this point - I begged him for attention, I cried all the time. A few more months went by until it all blew up in a massive argument and he basically told me that he'd fallen out of love with me, because of the jealous, paranoid mess I'd turned into. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Then he cried, and I cried, and we FINALLY had a massive talk about all that had happened. He told me he'd pushed me away because he didn't want to face his grief, and I told him I turned into a psycho bitch BECAUSE he'd pushed me away. And we both agreed that the 2 years we'd shared were worth more than just throwing away, so we decided to work on it. We both made the effort to change. And now, 6 months on, we're madly in love again and happier than ever. So yes, I have had the feeling of losing the one. And it was fucking awful.
this situation just sucks :(
my boyfriend broke up with my last august. and a year later, i am FINALLY just starting to feel better. i'd never want to re-wind this past year. i quit a job. got a huge drinking problem. dropped out of school (yes, all soudns dramatic) but he was my first everything and we had been together for almost 2 years. i was beyond devastated. he ended it because i had trust issues too. i'm beyond insecure and untrusting, and i realize that. and i think it eventually just broke him down. (not that it was all my fault, he had his part for why it made it so hard on m) anyways, my point is, you WILL feel better. people and girls told me this last year, and i honestly didn't believe it. and it's taken a long, LONG time, but now i can be that person that tells you and KNOWS it's true that you will be ok. cheesy, but a good friend of mine lent me this book called 'it's called a breakup because it's broken' by the author of that 'he's just not that into you' and it was really helpful.good for not getting back in contact. i made that mistake this past spring. 'just friends' turned into him treating me terribly, ignoring me when i was over with his friends, then getting drunk and messing around with me. just to kick me out the next morning and appologize for 'leading me on'it's funny and terrible how people change. things will get better. i promise. good luck to youcheers:)