Saturday, 05 May 2012
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Dating the Ex's Best Friend
This post was submitted anonymously.
My ex and I have been divorced for five years. Our 7-year-old bounces between our two houses, and when she's at his house I've found that his best friend takes more care of her.
I barely know him but he's recently shown interest in me and wants to go out to dinner sometime. I'd love to, but he lives with my ex as roommates. My ex has already dated my old best friend. He has a current girlfriend, too.
Would it be wrong to explore these feelings towards the best friend?
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Comments (12)
No but he sure is a shitty friend.
I wouldn't, to avoid drama. However if I really liked this guy I'd ask my ex how he felt about it even if he hadn't asked me about my old best friend, out of courtesy. Simply because with a child involved, you don't want bad vibes all over the place. Then take his opinion into consideration and do what feels right.
If your ex dated YOUR old best friend like you say, he really has no room to talk when you do the same to him.
what?? so much drama! poor kid.
focus on your kid rather than bringing in more drama by dating an ex's best friend. just hearing about the kid bouncing around the two houses breaks my heart. I can't give advice to pursue this. my mother cut the scumbags out of her life to protect me. I'm biased from a single mom home so you don't need a "man" to help you care for your kid especially if he's neglectful. if you think an eye for an eye is worth it, then go for it. however, I think this getting even attitude is rather petty and immature.
Focus on your child - in other words, while he's living your ex, no way. But I don't think there's anything wrong with going out to dinner and seeing where things go, but DON'T involve your child in any way - in other words, only see this guy when your kid isn't around, because the last thing your seven year old needs is to have another point of stability taken away from them.
#1 Just remember that anything you say or do could go back to your ex. Saying that, if you still want to explore the possibilities, go ahead.But remember #1!!!!!
I don't think you need permission, nor should you worry about your ex's opinion on the matter. He's an "ex" for a reason and it's not like you weren't split before meeting his best friend. I say go for it...if there is a problem it's for the men to settle. Just my 2 cents worth :)
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The biggest factor in this scenario which you haven't yet addressed, is how is your relationship with your ex?
If the relationship between you both is mature and friendly, and first and foremost in loving support of your daughter, then it may not be a problem to have dinner with his friend who seems to care about both you and your daughter. It has been 5 years, which is quite a long time. Your ex seems to have moved on, and if he still cares about you then he should be happy for you to begin dating a caring man, maybe even more so one that he knows and trusts (since whomever you date will eventually meet your/his daughter).
However, if your relationship is tense and angry, either of you have a history of jealousy, or are still harbor negative feelings surrounding your divorce, then dinner with his friend/roommate would not be a smart idea. It could be seen as a jealousy tactic or a way to infiltrate his life or hurt him.
I’m going to assume that after 5 years, joint custody of your daughter, and the fact that your ex is dating someone new, that you have a decent relationship and both are mature enough to want the best for each other. Also, the fact that his friend is even asking, suggests that perhaps he has even mentioned it to your ex before. Dinner sounds harmless, but I would make it clear that you want to be as honest as possible and fully expect that he has cleared this with your ex, so as to avoid any awkwardness or negativity for both you, your ex, and most importantly your daughter.
I say go for it, but seeing that the man who is pursuing you is your ex's best friend, he should talk to your ex about it first. Not for permission, but to inform him about it.
The biggest factor here is the child and that trumps everything. I am divorced with children and know how confusing and stressful it can be on kids. I would not risk or upset a child's stable environment. Consider how the child will feel (or come to feel one day when she grows up) when she starts to process dad's live in friend dating mom. What if mom and dad's friend get married and friend moves from dad's house to mom's house. Kids don't need this type of crap from adults. And about the "friend" here: there are a lot of women to date without getting with your friend's ex. Too much drama here for a kid to put up with. Adults can handle it but keep kids away.