Friday, 04 May 2012
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Why Are You Talking to Me?
I love Facebook. It's a great way to keep up with long-distance friends and catch up with even older friends. I even get to connect with mutual friends and get to talk to my boyfriend's family. It's a great way to stay connected. Recently, I have come across a scenario that sort of has me baffled.
My boyfriend's childhood friend as well as one of his cousins requested me on Facebook. He talks to his friend every so often, maybe once every couple of weeks. I didn't even know his cousin was his cousin when I got the request because according to him, they never talk. I saw that my boyfriend's sisters were friends with him, along with a few other cousins, so I accepted, but I never scrolled down the "Mutual Friends" list. Come to find out, that particular cousin didn't even request my boyfriend!
Here's the situation... A few months back, his friend messaged me and asked how we were. I said we were okay. I then said that my boyfriend was at work and to call him when he got off, or text him. End of conversation. I don't know his friend like that. I have never met him in person. There's really no need for us to get into a full on conversation. A few months back, his cousin did the same thing. He messaged me and asked how I knew my boyfriend (despite our public relationship status LOL) and then asked how we were doing. I told him we were fine and that my boyfriend was at work, and told him to contact my boyfriend. End of conversation.
Both times, I asked my boyfriend if they had contacted him. Both times he told me no and asked me why. When I told him that they had contacted me, we both agreed that it was odd but that I was right in my responses. I could tell it kind of irked him, but not because of anything I had done. It was just weird - why would they contact me and not him? Then, about a month later, his cousin finally requested him. I didn't hear from them since.
Earlier today, however, I was on Facebook, and I got a message from the childhood friend again. Same thing - hello, and asking how we were. I said we were okay, and that he was at work. He asked what I was up to and I said, "Nothing much. Taking care of him and baby. But you can text him if you want." End of conversation.
I don't mean to come off as short and standoffish, but I don't feel right talking to them. I understand we are friends on Facebook, but that's about as far as it goes. Commenting on statuses and stuff, I don't mind. Private conversations with them? That just make me uncomfortable. Is that wrong? Should I just "un-friend" them?
Part of me wants to tell my boyfriend again, however, I don't want him to think, "Why do they keep contacting her?" We both have trust issues with people in general, and I wouldn't want him to think his friends had ulterior motives if they don't. Then again, I don't want to not speak up and make it seem as if I have anything to hide. Should I just tell him? I just don't understand. This whole thing is just so irritating, and ODD! Am I the only one that thinks that?
I have had issues with this kind of thing in the past. My ex-fiance's friends weren't really his friends. They talked bad about him to me when he wasn't around and tried to steal me away from him constantly. He couldn't even walk into the kitchen without "Aye, you know he isn't any good for you. Girl, you are so fine. You need a man, not him." So on and so forth.
When his "friends" came over, I would go into the room or go somewhere else because I was the only female there, and wasn't going to kick it with the guys. My fiance would then tell me I was rude, and essentially a bad hostess. When I would tell him about his friends and the things they would say and do, he would just get mad and yell at me for telling him. I felt as if I should warn him about these people he considered friends that really weren't, but he was more mad that I told him than mad at what they did/said.
I know that's nowhere near the same thing that is going on with my current boyfriend, but it still affects the way I see the situation. I don't want my boyfriend to get upset about something that might not be anything, but like I said - I don't want to NOT tell him. I feel as if I am becoming an issue in general, especially after the situation that just occurred with his (now former) female friend about my Twitter page.
I know that also isn't the same situation as this, but still. I just don't want him to fall out with another friend, and possibly resent me and say I am coming in between his friendship(s), when that's not the case at all. A part of me wants to ask his friend why they keep messaging me, but I feel as if that would be overstepping boundaries.
What would you do? Would you tell your significant other, or would you just keep it to yourself?
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About the Author
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- From: ThaPlatinumOne@xanga
- Name: Shannon
- About Me: Model, Mother, Student. I hold no punches. Hippie at heart. Hit me up on Twitter! @ThaPlatinumOne
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Comments (27)
I will never understand jealousy and possessiveness, so I will be of little help. Tell him, I guess. If it would upset him if you didn't tell him, then tell him. If it will upset him if you do or don't tell him, tell him anyway and let him deal with being upset. It's not your problem. De-friend anyone that makes you uncomfortable. Don't take on other people's garbage and feelings as if they are your own, if your bf is upset, he is upset. You don't need to be.
They're your boyfriends friends and family, they're trying to be nice to you, oh my god call the cops!
I would ask what the fuck they want and why they keep messaging me...
This may be an odd question but are your bf's cousins or friends Italian or Hispanic decent? Sometimes different cultures behave in a certain way when it comes to the interaction with people they know--or just people in general.
And as for your decision whether to tell him.... whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Sounds like you have some major insecurity issues you need to work out if you're getting worked up over guys simply wanting to talk to you on Facebook.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - HIDE YO' WIFE, HIDE YO' KIDS, COZ THEY BE FB MESSAGIN ERRBODY OUT HERE
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Lmao
Calling someone a friend, even a Facebook friend (the loosest use of the word, I know) opens the door to conversations. If you feel those conversations are wrong, for whatever reason, there is no reason to have them friended, IMO. I find it hard to blame them for trying to talk to you, when you accepted their friend invites, even if their reasons for sending the invites were underhanded.
If it makes you uncomfortable, delete them. They might think its rude, because maybe they are just trying to be nice, but oh well! They should be messaging their friend/cousin, not his girlfriend. It would make me uncomfortable too. I would tell your boyfriend too. If he's a good guy, he won't get mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong.
Gavin de Becker, a reknowned and highly paid security expert, wrote a wonderful book called "The Gift of Fear" about how to recognize the red flags of suspicious, and potentially dangerous people and situations. While he does explain some very specific signs to look for, he says his best advice is just to trust your instincts. The biggest mistake a lot of people make is not to trust their first instincts when something feels wrong. They doubt themselves, think they're being silly, or talk themselves out of their own nervousness. Then they end up being harrassed, hurt, or even dead, just because they didn't want to overreact. If your instincts are telling you to avoid someone, it's better to follow them faithfully and end up "overreacting," rather than be "rational" and get hurt.
As far as telling your boyfriend, it sounds like you really think you should do it, so you probably should. Since you both have trust issues, it's important to be honest about things like this now, and let the chips fall where they may, so you find out if you really can trust each other before you go even deeper in the relationship.
You wrote one sentence that I want to quote, and hopefully reading it again will help you get a clear perspective on it. "I wouldn't want him to think his friends had ulterior motives if they don't."
Okay, I could write a lot more about that sentence, but I'll just say this for now. Just tell him what happened without putting a spin on it, say you just thought he might want to know. Period. If he wants to know your opinion about it, he'll ask you, and you can happily provide it. Otherwise, let him come to his own conclusions about his friends, and if you don't want to interact them, you don't have to, and he shouldn't expect you to.
and this is why I only friend friends on FB. Simple, no issue. There is no responsibility to "friend" everyone and their dog and their dog's vet, just because they send you a request.
Some people get off wracking up hundreds or thousands (yes, literally) of "friends" on FB and when they are bored they start chats to see if anyone will take the bait. Truly, this is most likely boredom on their part. Chill.
If it makes you uncomfortable, unfriend them and forget about it, easy peasy. People take FB way too seriosuly if they are up nights worrying over this crap.
I can't imagine why this would be an issue. Tell your boyfriend and get over it. I think you're reading far more into it than you need to spend one second worrying about. Unless they say offensive stuff, they like your profile pic and want to strike up a convo.
I don't understand why this is such a big issue? I mean if you're that uncomfortable with them just talking to you..delete them. Maybe they had a falling out with your boyfriend, but still care enough to ask how you guys are? Although I suspect that would have come up when you told him about this the first time. I don't really see anything wrong here though..I mean they aren't hitting on you right? They're being respectful right? There's nothing wrong with a little FB chit-chat now again. Especially, because your man DOES know them, they aren't completely random strangers trying to see how you are. Again, if it bothers you this much..just delete them. You can bring it up to your boyfriend if you want before or after it's done.
You should communicate this with your boyfriend. And to be honest, even if someone added me because they are "related to my bf/gf," I would not add them. I find that unacceptable, especially if we haven't meet yet. And if you don't communicate with your bf, he may feel something is fishy going on and that may hurt your relationship with him.
Your ex-fiance was weird for not wanting to hear how his so called friends were hitting on you. I wonder would he have preferred you take them up on their offers and break up?
The current conversations appear harmless. My guess if you have a profile pic that may be attracting them. Just treat it as you would in real life if someone started a conversation you're not in the mood for - be nice, curt and say you have to go as you are busy. They should get the hint.
If they escalate by flirting or keep messaging you, then it makes sense to mention it to your guy.
um, cray cray? you complain about people who are your friends on facebook, which requires consent, and your profile says "hit me up on twitter".. open invitation to strangers. sorry, no sympathy here.
With all do respect, I think you're maybe making a mountain out of a molehill on this one. They message you, it's weird, yeah. Who knows why they are doing it, but you ARE friends with them on facebook, so you should have thought about that before you accepted their requests. This to me is a non-isssue. If you aren't really friends with them or think it's weird they talk to you, delete them because you shouldn't have accepted to begin with. It's not a big deal. =)
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I fuckin love you.
I want to say something, but I'm kind of drunk and feel like it would be rude. Must remember that if I don't have anything nice to say not to say it at all.
I'm with cccourage. Some people's attitudes toward FB and other social networking sites have reduced "friends" to "people in my people collection." If friends on FB are "about as far as it goes" you're misusing the word "friend," and you never really had a reason to add them. "Online social networking" is about the most a-social thing in the world. I don't have any friends on FB that I wouldn't go to lunch with if they called in the next ten minutes. Because they're friends.
"I know that's nowhere near the same thing that is going on with my
current boyfriend, but it still affects the way I see the situation."
I don't now what you mean exactly...if your past story is a reason to TELL him or to NOT tell him.
I see it that way: you held back the "information" a whole while with your ex fiance. So of course he was mad when he heard it, also mad at you, plus you brought it p at a point where he was mad at you anyway.
If you tell your bf nothing like that can happen. As long as you talk he has no reason to be jealous or suspicious. I see no reason to not tell him either. So I don't see any conflict.
Steeping over the boundaries? Just ask the friends politely why they're messaging you and want they want. If this bothers you so much then just ask them, that way you can avoid any misunderstandings.
back away from the computer...slowly
I actually feel the same way as you because in the past a lot of my boyfriend's "friends" hit on me and tried to snatch me up as fast as possible after we broke up. I also had the problem with some of my gal friends' sleezy boyfriends or exboyfriends. Yeah I did accept their friend requests because I thought nothing of them being creepy to me until later on. To me, there's that fine line where my instinct tells me whether a guy is trying to hit on me or not by how they try to communicate with me. PMs calling me baby? Asking to meet up without my boyfriend or their own girlfriend? It doesn't even have to be that obvious. Call me paronoid, whatever.
Anyways, my solution was to make a "stupid boys" list on my facebook where they can never see me when I'm online and they are on limited profile view. That solved a lot of problems without having to be all awkward and delete them when you will see them hanging out with your boyfriend that weekend. Also it eliminates the awkwardness of making it known you think a guy is a creeper when he's actually just trying to be friendly.