Wednesday, 02 May 2012
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We're in Love - We Can't Control Our Jealousy!
This post was submitted anonymously by a Datingish user.Three years ago I met this boy. I was 13, he was 16. We hung out and shared our first kiss together but after that day, we lost contact. He got put in a juvenile detention center.
Well three years later in July of 2011, he messaged me on Facebook and we got back in touch. He told me he got locked up for a 4-6 months and after he got out, had a son with his now ex-girlfriend. His son is two as of January 2012. They broke up and he got with another girl who he has a 9 month old daughter with. I got with this boy when his daughter was two months old, so I have watched both of his kids grow up. I get along with both of the childrens' mothers and everyone in his family.
We have been together for 9 months. He's 20 years old and I'll be 17 in June. We got close really fast. We've have had more sexual partners than teens of our age should have and well... we have genital herpes together and aren't really sure who gave it to who. Well, that is NOT why we are staying together. We have fallen in love. (Love knows no age, so shut up.)
If it wasn't for us meeting three years ago, we would not have gotten this close this fast. On Christmas day, he proposed to me! He knows for sure he wants to be with me forever and wants to start a family. Well, I have been off my birth control and we have been trying for the past 4-5 months. So far nothing has happened, but we're still trying.
We fight a lot, have major jealousy problems and can't seem to get over it. He is jealous of any guy who even looks at me, and I can't stand any girl who eyes him up. It's not that we do anything about it, it's just, when I am at work he's afraid I'm flirting with other guys, and I'm not. We end up fighting over stupid things.
At the beginning of April, he had cheated on me. He felt pressure with the guys flirting with me at work and didn't want to get hurt. I don't know if I'm the only one who understands this but he would rather hurt someone before he himself gets hurt. Well, we got past the cheating and we're moving on. No big deal.
The reason I am writing this is,
1. To vent.
2. I want opinions.How can we get past this jealousy of other people and trust each other 100%? Right now our trust levels for each other are 95% just because we're scared to lose one another.
I love him more than anything in the world and I know he feels the same. We just need help getting past the stupid fights and jealousy.
Any advice?
Please be nice. I don't want to read comments containing anything like:
- He has two kids and hes only 20?!
- You're only 16 and engaged?!
- He wants kids with you, you're too young, you'll ruin your life.
- He cheated on you! You shouldn't trust him.
- blah blah blah. etc...I just want to know how to control my jealousy and stop our fights.
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Comments (84)
Simply just trying to take in positive comments only is not good for you health and you won't grow as a person. I mean, it's like asking someone for an honest opinion, but then expecting them to lie to you just to keep you happy. A relationship is more than just controlling jealousy. It's about trust, communication, and respect. Toss trust and respect out the window since he cheated on you. You have communication left. If you don't talk to each other on how to deal with these problems, then you have to call it quits.
Well you might not want to read it, but if you're asking advice I'm not gonna ignore obvious causes to your issues.
Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship if your main issue is trust and he has already cheated on you. And because he didn't want to get hurt? Sounds like a pretty lame excuse personally.
Also sounds like you won't be able to be happy until you work with your insecurities. You could do it together, keep a constant route of communication. Confront it when it happens and if he loves you enough to work through it, he should be a positive reinforcement. If a guy looks at you and he gets up set, defuse it right then and there and explain to him why his jealously is unwarranted.
I wouldn't even CONSIDER a baby until you given this some real effort. If you can't get over the negatives of your relationship now, a baby on top won't make it any easier. Babies aren't a "fix" to an issue.
From an outsider, that sounds like the epitome of a broken borderline mentally abusive relationship held together only by the fear of change. It's not love, it's the first emotional connection with someone who isn't a friend/relative/family. Also why does he have 2 kids already and what happened with the mother that he's not with her anymore. Cause the way I see it, and the way I HAVE seen it, the probability of being a single mother after he gets bored of you is very high.
But! This is your life, if you feel like this is what you want and this is what you deserve, keep at it. But don't subject another life to this, unless you're absolutely sure it can work.
Run. Run fast and run far.
Do you have ANY idea how many other guys there are out there? Guys that would treat you well and with whom you don't have a TON of negative history in this already-short time span. I would say you should each go your own way for now & focus on yourself as an individual. If you two come back together at some point in the future, maybe things will work. For now, however, it seems a break would do you both well.
You can take care of your jealousy by...dating someone you trust! And who trusts you! It doesn't sound like he's either one of those things. It also certainly does not sound like he deserves your trust. Move on.
Few teenage relationships last. If you want my honest opinion, you are way too young for marriage & especially a baby. A child is a precious thing. You are 16, he is 19 (& has 2 kids already!) I'm assuming he pays child support for at least one of his children. Do you both have jobs? If so, you probably don't make much, especially at 16 years old. The most you can probably get at your age is 8.00 an hour which, sorry to break it to you, is NOWHERE near the amount of money you will need to raise a child. You need money for healthcare, baby clothes, baby food, crib, carseat, shoes, school supplies (when the child is of age), etc. THOUSANDS of dollars.
It is incredibly selfish to bring a child into the world when you don't have the means to support it just to make your beloved boyfriend happy. I hope you don't plan on becoming pregnant & then having your family pay for everything or just applying for welfare. Babies are a LOT of work, even for married adults with stable homes & a steady income. They do not 'fix' a relationship. Its just going to add much, much more stress.
"We fight a lot, have major jealousy problems and can't seem to get over it. He is jealous of any guy who even looks at me, and I can't stand any girl who eyes him up. It's not that we do anything about it, it's just, when I am at work he's afraid I'm flirting with other guys, and I'm not. We end up fighting over stupid things."
This right here... and you think you're ready for marriage? Please. You have a lot of growing up to do, honey. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just putting reality out there.
So you don't want to hear the truth you just want fluffy happy advice? I have no problem with the engagement (my fiance and I got engaged when I was 16) but trying for kids is just plain stupid.
- He has two kids and hes only 20?!
- You're only 16 and engaged?!
- He wants kids with you, you're too young, you'll ruin your life.
- He cheated on you! You shouldn't trust him.
- blah blah blah. etc...
Listing what you don't want to hear from people is usually called "giving yourself advice" - it sounds like you know what to do, you just don't want to do that.
.... Is this a troll post?...
Nevermind the trust and jealousy issues, I think those are symptoms of deeper issues. They stem from issues of insecurity, abandonment fears and other normal teen angst that isn't uncommon for someone your age. The difference is that most kids your age have the freedom to work through these issues naturally because they are free to grow with self-discovery during their high school and college years, not worrying about the huge burden of the real world. That bubble will burst when you start a family and the real world is a brutal place for those who are not ready for it.
Be practical, how will you and your SO start and maintain a family if you do not have the emotional growth and financial security to do so? Yes, love doesn't have an age but relationships and family definitely are heavy investments that typically young adults/kids are not equipped to handle.
the sad part of jealousy is it turns volitile really easy. Hope you learn to rely on your inner instict before you end up abused. Kids make relationships harder not easier.
Pretty sure you listed every deal breaker I have. Yup.
Please don't have kids.
Having Children with some one you do not trust is inconsiderate to the hypothetical Children.
As for gaining trust in each other... I suggest relationship counseling because you asking for advice on here about something so heavy isn't the best idea.
Your not going to get what you want to hear.
Having a kid with him will definitely end your guys' relationship if you are already having problems. Want to have ten times more problems?? Throw a baby into the mix.
I know it's tempting to stay with him, but you will go farther in life if you get away from him.
It's kind of sad because the few comments you asked us NOT to say are the ones that really need to be said:
1. He has two kids and hes only 20?!
2. You're only 16 and engaged?!
3. He wants kids with you, you're too young, you'll ruin your life.
4. He cheated on you! You shouldn't trust him.
Which really the first one isn't that bad. Shit happens. But that he's asking you to have a kid with him when you're only 16 is really selfish of him. He's got two others he can raise and love until you're ready emotionally to have children. The fact that you guys have such severe jealousy problems is a reason alone on why you shouldn't get married, have children, or plan on spending the rest of your life together. But then again, you're 16 and determined and this whole post is going to be completely discarded by you.
This is why I hate teenagers. Dumb as all fuck.
@Lordv16@xanga - agreed
You come off like a complete know it all. It is really hard not to have a very strong opinion on this subject.......
One of my relatives has herpes, it is completely treatable and as long as you don't have an outbreak, you won't infect someone else #CONDOMS however, should be used at all times, in my opinion#. My relative barely gets outbreaks anymore because she takes medication for it.She's led a completely fulfilled life up until this point and she's 50, and she's lived with the illness for a long time so there is hope for you yet, lol.
You're 16, young, not married, and with a guy who's had an unstable past #both in his dealings with women AND the law#. These are all huge detractors from having a lasting relationship that will lead to marriage, honestly. I'm not saying that it isn't possible, but it's been shown that those who fare the best in relationships are those individuals who come from upper middle class families where both the parents are together and both the people have a similar level of education and a shared belief in some sort of faith. Although you don't have a ton of grammar or spelling mistakes in your post, you don't seem to have a very high level of education, or much common sense to be honest with you. I'm not trying to put you down, just share an observation. You come off super naive. I don't think you love each other, but are merely obsessed with each other sexually. Don't confuse a sexual chemistry with each other for love. What exactly do you "love" about him? How he makes you feel #remember that feelings change#? Is he a good father? Does he make you laugh? Does he look out for you? Does he care about you?
This is all probably too much for you to comprehend, I was 16 once too and I wanted to believe I was right and that my way was the only right way because I just KNEW it. I wouldn't listen to anyone. I got married at 18, and got divorced by 21. That just goes to show you how much I "knew".
No one is telling you not to dream and love and hope for the best..........what we ARE telling you is to think logically about your circumstances. The odds are stacked against you. It's not like they can't change, but is this guy really worth it? You have absolutely no reason to deal with someone who has two kids and a troubled past with the law #his criminal history can and will affect him getting a good job in the future, which should DEFINITELY deter you from having a family with this guy, trust me, my father has a criminal record#. Being 16 is about enjoying high school and crushes and friendships and focusing on school and your future, not having a ton of sexual partners and thinking about getting pregnant. I had a boyfriend all through high school, all I could think about was me and this guy and how we were going to get married and have kids and all this other bullshit. I missed out on being friends with more people because I was so protective of a relationship that was irrational and destructive #i view your relationship with this guy in a similar light, destructive and irrational, btw#. Enjoy your youth because you're only young once in this life.
So basically, what I wanted to say was :
Dump the dude.
Focus on school and your future.
Have fun with friends, boys can wait.
Being pregnant when all your friends are out having fun is lame.
USE CONDOMS!
THE END.
"Please be nice. I don't not want to read comments containing anything like:
- He has two kids and hes only 20?!
- You're only 16 and engaged?!
- He wants kids with you, you're too young, you'll ruin your life.
- He cheated on you! You shouldn't trust him.
- blah blah blah. etc..."
Don't not? Really?
Get. Out. Before he knocks you up and bails on you like he has the last two girls he's been with.
I want to get to the BIGGER issue here. Did you know that by having a BABY while infected with an untreatable DISEASE such as Herpes, you run the Risk of infecting your poor innocent child who was brought into this world under false pretenses of being the saving grace to an already broken relationship. A child will not fix a relationship! Grow up Peter Pan, if you want to make adult choices such as having a child then learn to take advice like an adult. We aren't in high school anymore, so there should be no need to sugar coat advice when asked.
PS. There should be no reason to be jealous considering you both have HERPES. Not too many people would be happy fucking someone who is already infected with an uncurable disease.
If you don't want to deal with a negative answer to a question because it may be something you don't want to hear, and it sometimes will, THEN DON'T FUCKING ASK!
TRRRRRRROOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
people, this is NOT real
please don't have kids.. 2 dumb kids won't make a smart baby. just saying..
Oh man. This sounds like a joke. But it probably isn't... and I see nothing good happening. So good luck.