The short explanation is: I'm not quite sure.
I understand that it's just perfect for a lot of people, and that's okay. I understand that it's the societal norm. I even think that I like it sometimes and that I'd love to get married and live happily ever after.But then there's a part of me that says, "How boring!" I look at other people beyond my SO with lust
. I become infatuated even with a certain person while I'm in a committed relationship--fantasizing about them. Then I'll feel bad about it, as though I am cheating emotionally.
Up until the one I'm currently in, I'd never stayed in a relationship longer than a few months. Now that I'm going on a year, I should feel proud of myself, but I'm left wondering: Is this it? I long to experiment with other people. I don't like the idea of never having sex with anyone but this person--my first.
Then I have to ask myself what sort of life that would be. Never settling down, always hooking up. Never having a steady, strong, loving relationship. And I don't think I want that for my entire life.
I would love to just keep things casual until I'm thirty but currently being in a relationship for just shy of a year, that seems a little far off. Don't get me wrong, I like this guy, I just... want more. How do you feel about monogamy? Were you a swinger in your youth but later settled down?