The short explanation is: I'm not quite sure.
I understand that it's just perfect for a lot of people, and that's okay. I understand that it's the societal norm. I even think that I like it sometimes and that I'd love to get married and live happily ever after.
But then there's a part of me that says, "How boring!" I look at other people beyond my SO with lust. I become infatuated even with a certain person while I'm in a committed relationship--fantasizing about them. Then I'll feel bad about it, as though I am cheating emotionally.
Up until the one I'm currently in, I'd never stayed in a relationship longer than a few months. Now that I'm going on a year, I should feel proud of myself, but I'm left wondering: Is this it? I long to experiment with other people. I don't like the idea of never having sex with anyone but this person--my first.
Then I have to ask myself what sort of life that would be. Never settling down, always hooking up. Never having a steady, strong, loving relationship. And I don't think I want that for my entire life.
I would love to just keep things casual until I'm thirty but currently being in a relationship for just shy of a year, that seems a little far off. Don't get me wrong, I like this guy, I just... want more.
How do you feel about monogamy? Were you a swinger in your youth but later settled down?
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I haven't been a swinger in my youth, and I don't really plan on being swinger. For me, I think that I can only commit to one person; besides, one person is difficult enough to manage with work and such. I don't have a problem with people want to have multiple partners, so more power to them if they can handle it.
If that's what you feel you need to do, stop stringing your SO along.
Best shot would be to find someone you like who kind of wants the same thing I suppose. Then you two can be an official couple, but have it be an open relationship where you both are able to hook up with other people, but still hold the emotional/relationship ties with each other. I know there are quite a few people like that out there so it shouldn't be too hard. If you want more than what you have with your current SO, then maybe it's time to end things. What he wants out of the relationship probably won't match up to what you want.
Monogamy is the only way for me. I don't feel the need to have attention for multiple guys so it will never be a problem for me. I like caring about one person and knowing that whoever I'm with cares about me ONLY (at least I would hope he does).
Also, you shouldn't be playing this guy if your heart isn't set on him and only him, I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate that. Let him find someone better.
Might not be for you, right now. Maybe later, maybe not! Who knows?? Just don't string somebody along is all. Good luck!
I'm in an open relationship and it suits my needs and my partners needs perfectly. We are settled, and in a strong/steady loving relationship like you said. We've been together for almost five years and are very comfortable with each other. But we also make new friendships and casual relationships with other people to satisfy other needs we have. I could write for days about it but I do think it's important that people know there are other options out there that aren't very well "marketed" as valuable options, when they really are.
I respect people for being secure enough to be in open relationships, but it isn't for me.
I'm too paranoid and my self-esteem is too low to handle it.
I wish I didn't like monogamy - but anything else is super hard for me to balance.
I'm not interested in hooking up and having multiple partners. There's no inner desire for it. If it's something you feel you HAVE to have, your partner should agree with it.
I'd like to agree with above posters on the idea of having an open relationship. I'm in a polyamorous arrangement currently - I've had a boyfriend for 3 years and a girlfriend for 1 year. Especially if you're okay with your significant other seeing other people as well, your options are a lot wider than "have one loving relationship" or "have a lot of flings and hookups." The two aren't mutually exclusive, you just have to find someone who feels similarly to yourself and approach it with the care it requires.
I'm more or less monogamous. I would never cheat on my partner, and I am perfectly content with one partner but I am not opposed to the notion of us having a second partner. Not him having one or me having one: us having one. Which seems incredibly strange and therefore impossible.
I can't be with someone, who can casually have sex with others. I like emotional attention from guys than physical. I don't care to have sex with many guys. I like hearing them verbally express their feelings for me and that satisfies me more than sex. thus, I don't even really care for sex nor have much of it. words of affirmation is totally what gets to me. I can be quite naughty but compared to some people, I'm like a nun
their individual choice. I'd like the guy to remember me for having an emotional impact on him than being physically desirable, which is good, too, if he also remembers me for that, but I want to get inside of his mind and be forever engraved there to torture him*mwahahaha*
I have crushes on many guys but that's it. I don't call it emotional cheating because I haven't even communicated with these guys on a regular basis to have any type of actual relationship or even a simple friendship to call it betrayal. they are like celebrity crushes. I'll never be a swinger. it seems fun but in reality, they are probably a bunch of unwanted fuglies there and maybe a rare few hotties that I wouldn't care to fight for anyway>_<
spare that persons feelings, sheesh.
Monogamy blows. An open relationship is the way to go - as long as the woman stays monogamous of course.
Aw I kinda have the same background! My other relationships didn't last longer than a few months and my current relationship is the longest I've had so far (almost 2 yrs) and he was also my first. I never really saw myself as having only sex with one person for the rest of my life, but so far he's made that decision easy for me (we see marriage in the future yadieyada).
But anyway, why is it that you long for more? Do you simply hate the idea of only having one sexual partner? Because like you say, you could just have casual relationships until you settle down later in life. You say you like your boyfriend, not love. Which is quite fine, but is this relationship enough to you right now to be tied down? Or could your boyfriend really see and accept the idea of an open relationship. Could you?
Personally how I feel about monogamy: I do believe couples should do whatever they feel is right for them. However, for me personally I couldn't do it. Although I can logically list each benefit and understand how some people can do it, I know that I couldn't. I'm too jealous. Even if I know my man will love me in the end and only want me in the end, my emotions would still go haywire.
Oh and curious. Anyone in an open relationship feel free to answer. Do you plan to get married someday? And have kids? And if you do do you think you would continue your open relationship? How would you address this to your kids if you were ever to do so?
@Cambios@xanga - That's not that strange... I see a fair number of people looking for such a thing. It's a little difficult in practice because everyone has to balance it - it's fairly easy to leave someone feeling ignored/excluded - but I've seen some triangles that worked wonderfully.
@reesa14@xanga - I'm not opposed to getting married, but I don't "plan" on it. I personally don't think that a stable, loving relationship needs the label, but you know... tax benefits. ;)
I'm also not planning on kids, but I could see myself adopting at some point. If so, relationships outside of my primary would not be affected by it, and I'd probably introduce others as something like "partners" or "friends". They'd ideally be a part of the child's life in some way (in the same way close friends would), but they wouldn't be extra authority figures.
I'm all for telling/showing my children early on that "love" doesn't have to be heterosexual monogamy that ends in wedding bells, 2.5 kids and a picket fence. I wish someone had told me earlier.
I think monogamy fits me best. But I keep an open mind knowing that maybe one day a non-traditional relationship might happen. Example: Being one of two girlfriends of a guy, and having a non-sexual but still affectionate relationship with the other girlfriend. So she'd be my girlfriend too, kinda. I'd love her, but I wouldn't ya know..."love" her haha.
Monogamy goes against the natural instincts of our species (by this, I mean life-long monogamy), but whatever floats your boat and as long as it's done in a way in which everyone is honest and unharmed. Neither relationship appeals to me, I prefer to be alone, but whatever makes you happy, it's all about the fit.
I know a few people who have many partners and are quite happy with it. That being said you have to be very open with all of them.
I am not much of a peoples person so I have my hands full with just one.
I have tried open relationship and it did not work out for me. I realized that I can't imagine myself seeing someone else while I am dating my current partner. I can't bear my partner to be with someone else because I care for him. It was just too much and I get so jealous easily to. I am afraid of him falling for another girl.
I believe in staying with one person in a relationship and for the rest of my life.
Why don't you tell your boyfriend and see what he thinks...?
I'm selfish and don't play well with others. I also want someone selfish who wouldn't want to share me.
being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you only have sex with that one person. sex does not equal relationship in the sense that you're using the term relationship. once you understand that, you will be free of this burden society has put upon you.
I was actually the exact opposite. I was married (monogamously) to a guy who was a virgin before we got together and that always bugged me. I felt so guilty, with this concept that I was the only person he would ever experience. Eventually we grew apart and split. Now, I want an open relationship... not because I want to experiment, or be wild, or anything like that. I want a relationship built completely on love and trust, where if one of us is at a party or whatever and something happens, we don't have to feel guilty about it. I trust in the love between my partner and I enough to know that no matter what we do in our free time when we're not together, we will still love each other more than anyone else. I don't like the concept of "owning" someone, nor being "owned" myself, and I have a hard time not viewing the monogamous partnership as a relic, an arrangement that was necessary for guaranteed paternity at one point but really doesn't have a place in my life.
The way I look at it is that people have really great friends in life, people they trust with their deepest, darkest secrets and would die for. Going out for coffee with a casual acquaintance does not diminish those true friendships, so why should a casual fling with someone affect your true love?Here's a thought: date around now, settle down later. Best of both worlds.