Monday, 23 April 2012
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When Women Flake Out
In case you don't know what a flake out is, let me put it into perspective: A guy meets a woman he's interested in and gets her number. They may talk a bit during the week, but ultimately the guy sets up a date and time to go out with this woman. The woman agrees and may even say "sure I'd love to!" The guy plans his weekly schedule around the get-together and, depending on how his week is or who he's meeting, may look forward to it all week.
Then all of a sudden, either the night before, the day of, or even just MINUTES before they're supposed to meet up, the woman calls or texts and says she can't make it, and usually it's a stupid excuse like, "My brother is in town this weekend and I have to meet him," or "Family emergency; I have to stay home all week and may not be around until next week," or my personal favorite, "I can't go out and spend money this week and I need to get the A/C in my car fixed."
Real emergencies DO come up where the get-together may be canceled, but when that happens, I'd think the woman would create some sort of rain check to meet at another time if she was really interested in meeting in the first place. Instead, it's nothing more than a lame excuse to get out of a meet-up which she could have easily said "No" to in the first place.
Unfortunately, this is one of those things women (particularly women in their 20s) do very often and men are baffled as to why they do it. Do women enjoy flaking out on men? Or is this just one of those illogical things women decide to do based on their insecurities? Regardless, it drives most men nuts.
I mean, think about it. You meet an interesting woman and ask to meet up, which she says yes to. You look forward to going out all week and even visualize how it's going to go in your head. You schedule your weekend around this get-together, only for her to call/text you at the last minute to cancel for some strange, random reason, thus your night is ruined. When it happens and the girl doesn't ask for a rain check, it's pretty much over with; this girl was just trying to get out of seeing you.
When a woman flakes out on a guy, the worst thing a guy can do is panic. The most common form of panic in this situation is the car salesman reaction. Have you ever been to a dealership only to dislike the offer(s) you were getting? If you decided to walk away to do business elsewhere, chances are the car salesmen would follow and offer some "unbelievable" new deal to get your business back. That of course is a sign of desperation.
Once a woman decides to flake, all the bargaining in the world will not win her back. In fact, a guy will just sink faster in quicksand because she knows she made the right decision after seeing how much of a wuss the guy was (and will get a good laugh out of it with her friends as well). The solution: when a woman flakes, don't say anything; just move on. If you feel the need to say anything, all I would say is "Your loss." That way, the woman will be derailed and knocked back down after attempting to take control or power over the man.
For guys, have you ever been flaked out on? If so, what happened and how did you handle it? For women, have you ever flaked out on a guy before? If so, what was going through your head at the moment?
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- From: Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga
- About Me: I have been using Xanga since August 2001 and have seen a lot of changes since then.
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Comments (70)
Just let it go and move on. If she's interested and you think she's worth it, give her a chance when she's ready. If not, move on.
I tend to keep myself pretty busy that I rarely have time to think.
Recently I came across a similar situation, it wasn't easy, especially when I think she's the most awesome girl I've ever met. You might think she's not awesome after pulling something like that. In my mind, she's still awesome and she's only doing what she knows best.
People suck. Get over it.
It's happened a few times. I just move on and don't worry about it. As you said, there's nothing you can do about it and trying to do anything about it is generally counter-productive.
When someone is willing to burn bridges, the best thing to do is let them burn it. If they want to rebuild it later, it's only fair that they rebuild it as well.
this is true of anyone, not just girl, not just with romantic interest. if i'm interested in you and you flake on me, your number gets deleted. if i'm just trying to be friends, you get 2 chances.
what i find equally as bad is when the girl says "i can't meet that day" with no counteroffer. i was feeling generous one time and let a girl who said that (who was 30, by the way) get away with it. a few weeks later, i constructively told her that that's a terrible idea when you're interested in someone, and her response was "oh wow, that didn't even occur to me that i should make a counteroffer." from a fucking 30 year old!
as for saying "your loss", i don't even bother. a comment like that just screams "i am bothered by your flake." girls are going to flake, this is a fact of life. i always have back-up plans when i'm scheduled to meet a girl for the first time (the person/people who are included in said back-up plans are always told that i'm supposed to have a date).
I've been flaked on by guys before. I wouldn't say it's strictly a thing women do. I've flaked out on guys before, but it's usually when I've agreed to meet up with a guy later in the week, we keep talking/texting until then, and he ends up getting creepy the more we talk. I can't think of any instance I've bailed on a guy. I've been flaked on because guys have all of a sudden remembered they have dinner dates with their mom, they have to work early, they forgot about something they have to do. I give it another shot. If it happens twice then I'm done. Sometimes those are actual real reasons, but if it consistently happens it's definitely time to find someone more interested in you.
@ask_ashleyyy@xanga - THIS!
I knew that this article was going to be written by the bitter misogynist just by reading the title.
Once again, grow up, kid. The world is scurry and people (regardless of sex) are assholes. boo hoo.
I have never and would never flake out on anybody. It is extremely rude. In cases of emergencies or illness I would explain myself, apologize profusely, and reset a date. A sudden visit from my sibling would result in me saying to them, "Sorry, sis, I can't see you this night because I have plans." Seriously, how rude is it to break plans?
The girls were either not interested in you that way and you missed the non-interest signals they sent or they only said yes because at the time they had no better options. Seriously, and very sadly, girls in their 20s especially, say yes all the time just because they have nothing better to do. It truly is their loss. I'd tell them that and then tell them they are rude for breaking a date like that.
But it might also be in your interest to have better standards anyway, seems you ask girls out too soon and they might be picking up on the fact that you want to go on a date more than you want to specifically go on a date with them.
I'm very guilty of this. VERY guilty. I flake on guys all the time. And I know I'm going to flake as soon as the plans are made. Here are my thoughts:
1) Everyone flakes. But I do think that females are more guilty of it than males. Why?
2) Most guys say they prefer to be told right away if you're not interested. Most girls can't straight up reject a guy. I'd rather flake and have them get the picture than have to tell them to their face that I'm not interested.
3) Most of the guys I have flaked on thought I was interested when I wasn't. Are you the one who initiated EVERY text convo? In a text or IM conversation, are you the one to send the last message every time? If so, she's probably not that into you. If a girl texted a guy who wasn't into her every day, she'd be a psycho stalker.
I flake on guys all the time because I'm a pussy. Yeah, it seems like the girls being a bitch by flaking, but she's trying to spare your feelings. I would much rather figure out someone isn't interested on my own than have them tell me to my face.
But I've never once flaked on a guy I actually like. If she liked you, she wouldn't flake.
@tears_foraffairs@xanga - Sparing feelings is a bullshit excuse. How is it sparing someone's feelings when you mess up their date plans with you? All that is doing is messing with his head because you're not being upfront with him about your interests - unless you like manipulating people like that, then by all means.
The problem with this blog is that it's directed at women being the ONLY flakers. Umm, guys are huge flakes too. So this blog, full of crap.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I never said it was the noble, right thing to do. I'll bet 80% of girls have a serious problem telling a guy to their face that they are not interested in them. It's a it selfish, but no one wants to be rejected and no one wants to reject / hurt someone. Most people who can take a few social cues would get that when a girl bails, she's not into you. I guess I just wrongly assume that of some people.
@tears_foraffairs@xanga - "taking social cues" = "I'm too damn lazy and spineless to be open and honest with him so I'll say nothing."
Rejection is bad, but leading someone on is even worse. But it's a matter of personal comfort to a lot of these flakers. It's a lot less discomforting to lead someone on than it is to just let them know upfront and get it over with.
I flaked out on a guy before but NOT on purpose. I was running late because of classes (this was when I was still in grad school) and other things going on (running on 2-3 hours of sleep after a massive exam and a quiz followed by a lab), but unfortunately, the guy didn't have a cell phone. I tried calling his house before our date but he wasn't home. I tried calling the restaurant we were supposed to go to, but the waitstaff could not help me considering there was also a pub/bar, and it was a busy Friday night and noisy so they could not locate the guy. I arrived 30 minutes later but could not find the guy. Called him at home right away but he wasn't home. Called him again the following Monday and tried to apologize but he basically cut me off and that was the end of it. His loss this time.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - @tears_foraffairs@xanga - and this is why i only date new york girls--they are straight up with you.
I have actually flaked on a guy I liked....
heres the reasoning:He didn't talk to me all week. No hi, hows it going, what's up, how are you kinda thing. And honestly, it put way too much pressure on me when it came time to hang out.Then I put 1 and 1 together and figured it out on my own.
The general concept of flaking out is horrible. I avoid having to flake by considering all my options and consulting my calendar before agreeing (as always, leaving plenty of time prior to proposed event). If I really don't want to do something, I feel I am better off by not agreeing to it in the first place. Of course, unforeseen things occur sometimes, but it is best to call as soon as it happens, and reschedule. Saying you'll "call later" means you won't, and that is just rude. I also very much dislike it when you invite someone to do something and they say "maybe" or "I'll let you know" but only to tell you mere hours (sometimes minutes, or worse yet, after the proposed time!) before the scheduled appointment. I won't wait until the last minute (such as Friday afternoon) to sort out all my invites and decide what is most fun to do. I rather pick one and go with it, so you can tell the others you can't and they have time to make other plans.
Nope, I hate flakers. One time a guy I was interested in flaked on our date at the last minute (saying he wants to hang with his buddies instead), I never talked to him again.
@tears_foraffairs@xanga - Then I think you understand that claims like "Sparing feelings" is bullshit to begin with.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - i guess those were the wrong words to use. i should have said "we don't want to hurt your feelings so we're just hoping you grow tired of trying". i think my overall point was made in my post though.
@tears_foraffairs@xanga - Semantics. But yes, I do believe you made your point.
Yup ...girls usually flake on guys before sex
Guys usually flake on girls after sex :)
the movie that you picked out fucking sucks. I'll never go with you!! OR I can't go out with you. I'd rather go shopping
OR I have to take my car to the sexy mechanic to fix for me
sucks to be you.
How dare she try to "take control or power over the man?" You'd better "knock her back down" and put her in her proper place. /sarcasm
But yeah, it's really annoying when people give excuses to get out of a meeting or date, or whatever, especially when they do it at the last minute. Both sexes are at fault, though; in fact, from what I've experienced, the men I've known are the ones who usually back out of planned arrangements. What I've learned is that you can only control your own actions, reactions, thoughts, and emotions. You also can't have expectations of people, especially if you don't know them well (read: especially if you are taking them out on a date for the first time).
Also, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that women "flake out" in a conscious effort to try to "take control" of the man. I'd be willing to bet that a lot of them just aren't that into you and are too immature to either decline your offer to take them out on a date straight away, or to cancel the arrangements civilly and in a timely manner.
Some of this behavior is conditioned, though. I know so many guys who claim that they would be okay with receiving a straight, clean rejection, yet if a girl gives them that, they turn around and spout bitter comments about how the girl was such a bitch for not even giving him a chance. I hope you're not one of those.
Heaven forbid a woman would ever have control of a situation though.. :\ Maybe you have a controlling nature that women sense and dislike? Sorry, I tried to be polite, but the tone of this post annoyed me.