Thursday, 19 April 2012
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Dating an Illegal: Does Love Have Borders?
This post was submitted anonymously.
As physics dictate, the questions surface eventually: Oh, you have a boyfriend? Does he go to school here? No? What school does he go to? Oh, he's working instead? Doing what? As a waiter? In a Mexican restaurant?
From that point, it's zero to full-on fascination in two seconds flat. More decorous individuals usually don't press for additional information, but some inquisitors tack on the final query: "Is he... you know... illegal?"
I resist the temptation to qualify their statement ("He, as an individual, is not illegal, but no, he doesn't have permission to be in the U.S."). I just say, "Yes." Cue the wide-open stares. From that point on, whenever undocumented workers come up in class, in social discussion, in the news, the looks begin.
I get that illegal immigrants have been a hot button topic for a long time, a topic that has grown exponentially since the recession and inflamed passions around the world. So I understand the reactions that come my way... with an estimated 13 million illegal immigrants in the United States, I'm far from the only one who receives them.
But yes, I'm dating an illegal immigrant. No, I will not lie about it. I'm not ashamed by it. I'm not ignorant about the ramifications of his status on our relationship or the treacherous legal hurdles that face our future. We have deftly researched our options and we have broken them down to the few essential friends and family that need to know.My boyfriend, J, attempted to cross the border two times--both when he was a minor--before he succeeded on his third attempt three years ago, at the age of eighteen. Of course, each time was as dramatically awful as they always are. Nearly dead of dehydration in the desert, seeing the bodies of less healthy men, women, and children who had succumbed to thirst, betrayed by family when immigration officers caught up to them, beaten by the less noble of those officers, J still undertook the same risk two more times.
These are facts, not a political viewpoint or an attempt to garner sympathy. His parents were in debt because of a failed bank and lived off of a meager income from owning a small store. His younger siblings could not afford the uniforms necessary to attend school. Amidst this reality, he and his older brother headed north to work fifteen hours a day, six days a week.
There are thousands and millions of stories like J's. That's not really what this post is about. This post is about a relationship--our relationship. Yes, J is illegal, and yes, that means he cannot drive to see me at school, much less fly to visit me when I'm abroad.
He hasn't seen his parents in three years, and his little brother and little sister are growing up without him. His older sister has children that he has never met. His good friends are getting married and having babies and he isn't there. So yes, it's a big deal.
Being undocumented, however, is not what defines him. And it's not what defines us.
I'm applying to PhD programs around the country, with his full-blast support. I'm going abroad again for five months; he knows it's what I want to do (he tells himself it's for six months, so it'll seem like I've come home early). I tell him about the fellowships I want and the professors I have and my future career plans and dreams.
He's recently sent enough money back home to build three small stores which his parents can rent out, giving them additional income. The construction of a small block of apartments will go underway in the spring. We've been together for almost two years.
He's ambitious, driven, hilarious, and supportive. We fight. We're not engaged. His e-girlfriends make me uncomfortable. We talk about the future. And yeah, he's illegal, so the future is scary. But you know what? It's our future.
Have you, or anyone you know, ever dated an illegal immigrant? What happened? How did people react? Is it possible to focus on your relationship without letting outside opinions affect you?
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Comments (38)
I've known a lot of people who have dated illegal immigrants. I don't have one good story to tell you. They have some advantages like being able to split to another country whenever they want. Now, at the same time I know a few people who were illegal and are now legal, or people who are married to illegals and I can say in those situations things are very different. It is not easy to become legal after you have illegally entered this country. Probably not a good idea for you, but I agree illegal or not, they still are some good people!
I married a foreigner and went trough a lot of paperwork, waiting, research and suspicious state agents to get permission to live in his country it was hard and while waiting I couldn't even have a bank account or a credit card with my name on it even when I already had a child...it was tough and I was married to him when I arrived to his country and there was no hostile environment in that said country toward inmigrants...in a hostile environment as your country, I'm guessing things are ever harder for him.
I would never do it because of the potential ramifications. It's expensive, difficult, challenging and just...too risky in my eyes.
Love has no borders. Countries, however, do. Tread carefully.
if he has e-gfs, then he's likely flashing them and vice versa. not that I'd know
why else would one have an e-bf/gf
I haven't dated one. I'd date any cute illegal kpop stars in the u.s. anytime
I'm usually an upstanding citizen, but I'd probably give an exemption if he's some sexy man, who is dodging trees and sprinting over potted plants on window sills to escape from the cia/fbi/interpol
that would be an adventure. I prefer illegals from korea or italy than mexico.
i wouldn't be able to do it. as much sympathy as i have for undocumented immigrants, the fact is that they committed a crime. and i don't date criminals.
no, my husband came to Canada from the US legally, and he will be a Canadian citizen this summer.
I am one of those who fully support immigration laws, and if you are going to be in a country do it legally.
I just don't understand why they refuse to get citizenship. It blows my mind.
Funny how you just seemed to toss in a random one-liner about his E-GIRLFRIENDS. I'm sorry.. what?!?!
@Gorrific@xanga - its not available to many people. you dont waltz into a consulate and say "green card, please!" it costs money and its selective.
I wouldn't...mainly because I wonder if they're in it for the relationship or the citizenship. I've read countless horror stories where people marry illegals then the marriage fails and they take everything.
I appreciate this post- it is really really tough in the long term. My fiance is undocumented. We have been together 5 1/2 years, have one son together and another baby on the way. Our relationship has the same issues as any other, but as a family, his immigration status is a huge factor. He supports parents and sisters in Mexico, and that drains finances from our nuclear family. He can't sign a lease, have a license, file taxes or fly on airplanes- to name a few things. Our house was broken into, and we were too worried about immigration issues to report the crime. I've seen him abused by employers (no overtime, unsafe work conditions, pay stolen) and there's no legal recourse.
I LOVE him, and he's a great partner, a hard worker (6 days a week, 15 hours a day for minimum wage- and we're lucky!) and a loving, committed father. But the issues that come up from his immigration status will never end. He can't get his papers because he's left the country once (to attend a funeral in MX), so applying for a green card would lead to a 10 year ban from the country (there are some really tough laws). I say love has no boundaries. However, immigration status has serious ramifications. If you plan to marry or have a family with your boyfriend, in my opinion you have to consider the possibility that he would be denied a green card. He *could* get deported, you live with that uncertainty, and with kids in the picture, that's tough. For me and my fiance, we have decided that depending on how things go in Mexico, we will eventually probably have to move there. Is that my first choice for my life? No.
If you're with someone without papers, my advice is, to be brutally realistic: make sure you're either willing to lose them to their home country if it comes to that, or you're willing to go with them. It's hard to have families in separate countries, especially when you can't just fly to see them. It's hard to live with uncertainty of deportation, and it's hard to get older in a country that's not your home.
I will go with my man. But it took me a long time to get to that place.
I wouldn't date an illegal immigrant...I think there would be a part of me that would think "are they dating me in hopes of getting a green card?"..its possible..
I just think that people should come here legally...I've lived in a foreign country and I had to go through strict Visa rules. I wouldn't risk being there illegally and being deported.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - If Rain (bi) or Siwon were in America illegally they might be the only exception...haha.....I also prefer Koreans
@valeriebeth04@xanga - OMiLord, siwon looks exactly like prince charming
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_AszFI3pxJUA/TUiQLuh2K0I/AAAAAAAAAZg/kxQIijiE7GU/s1600/Siwon+13.jpg
@Gorrific@xanga - That was an incredibly ignorant statement..most cannot just "get" citizenship that easily, or else they obviously would.
A friend of mine married a man who was illegal. It worked out well for quite a while other than him being paranoid all the time. Any job he worked he was paid in cash, and he was a hard worker. One day he went to the grocery store and the cashier accused him of using fake money. He was brought to jail and found out for being illegal..in the end he was deported back home and she hasn't seen him since. Saddest part about the whole thing is that the money turned out to be real. I don't think its something I could do, just know the consequences would turn me off.
@Gorrific@xanga - if they could, they would. You can't just arrive somewhere and demand citizenship. It costs a LOT of money, time, and often, rejection. It also often means you're separated from your family for years. If these people could get citizenship, I'm sure they would.
@flapper_femme_fatale@xanga - agreed, if he couldn't be bothered to respect immigration laws, what makes you think he has respect for anything? Sure it will be romantic for the first little while as you are both in love, but if he can't spend the time to do things the legal way, will he take the time to ride out the rough patches of a relationship?
A friend of mine dated and married an undocumented alien. He was hard working, and they bought a house and had 4 children. One night he was drinking in the front yard at a party when the police arrived. He was deported and is now in Mexico. Because he was arrested and is now guilty of illegal behavior in the US, his chance of gaining legal status are slim to nil. My friend now has to choose between living in the US without him or taking her children out of school and to Mexico and his less than fit previous standards.
Think about this one before you get children involved. At the very LEAST, do what you can to get him citizenship and be sure your relationship is for the long haul before you involve them.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My ex was from VZ and I loved it (NOT) when we needed directions and the person would talk at me, even though he was the one that asked for directions and spoke English almost as well as I do. It was not only irritating, but rude and insulting.
Our case was a little different. He came here ona student Visa, but when we got married, we both dropped out of school causing him to be "non-status." What were we supposed to do, starve? I couldn't support both of us on on one income!
We did however apply to get him his greencard and that was a nightmare in and of itself. But, we perservered and we got it ( thousands of dollars and many embassy trips later. lol)
Good luck, don't worry about what people say! If he treats you well and YOU are happy, then don't let other's ignorance get you down. I think people are so curious because immigration is such a hot button in America right now.
I think saying the sentence you have in mind aloud would be awesome.
I've heard all the stories shared above, and many more. If you believe your love and his are true, and that love can conquer everything...then there you are. Otherwise, read all those stories and know that you WILL have one of your own.
If he has egirlfriends...doesn't sound like his love is as true and pure as it might be. That culture, family comes first, and family of origin is a HUGE responsibility. Of course he supports your PhD, more income so he can better care for family back home. And you being away? more time for egirlfriends? just some thoughts. I live in an area with many illegal immigrants. I work with some LEGAL immigrants working two or three jobs and wiring most of their income "home". HOME...what does that word tell you? No matter how long they are here, or who they meet, that is home. Not a bad thing, but a thing to be truly and deeply considered. HOME is where the heart is.
Love has no borders, unless you're the one that puts them up yourself.
@Gorrific@xanga - It's super, and I mean very, expensive. You also have to have qualifications, most of which simply wouldn't be met within the poor parts of Mexico.