Wednesday, 11 April 2012
-
Asking for Nude Photos - Is This Cheating?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and we're in our early 20's. He's never given me a reason to suspect that he's cheating on me, and has always treated me like a princess. We're high school sweethearts, and are still very much in love today. He lost his job about two months ago and he felt bad about not being able to support me and didn't want me to start having to pay for him when we would go out to eat and hung out together.
He went back to stay with his parents in Puerto Rico so he could maybe earn some money over there and relieve some stress he was having since he was having a hard time getting another job after this one. Also for me so I wouldn't be as stressed. He said he would only be there temporarily, and would come back around his birthday, which is in June. He left mid-March.
A week or two after he left, he mentioned to me that on his phone the timeline option wouldn't change on his Facebook, so I offered to change it on my computer, logging into his account.
Now, I've never been the type of girlfriend to spy on their boyfriend. I've never had to worry about that. We're together almost all the time, we trust one another, and he knows I would never do anything to hurt him either.
I logged into his account to change the timeline, when I noticed he had a single message in his inbox. No notifications, friend requests, nothing. I thought it was one of his family members. A lot of his aunts love to send mass messages and texts to all their relatives about the birthday/holiday, etc parties they're throwing. He doesn't really talk to friends much on his Facebook either, so I wasn't worried about it being some girl.
I curiously opened the message to see it was a girl we both mutually knew from high school who we barely see anymore. She had initiated the message, but it was ONLY to inform him (it was a mass message to all her friends), that she had made a new Facebook account and that was it. The conversation did start out innocent, but then he wanted to ask her something and to promise not to tell anyone.
He said that he had always thought she was beautiful since high school and wondered what it would be like to date her, and then asked her for some regular, nice pictures of herself, just so he can see. (She doesn't have many on her page). But then he sent another message, saying instead of regular pictures, NUDE pictures.
I was shocked. She said no, and I was also relieved and surprised because I had always thought she would have been the type of girl to do that sort of thing even though she knew I was with him. But I respect her so much more now after reading this. He said to her that I would never find out if they didn't say anything about it, but she kept saying no, nicely, but he kept pressuring, asking her to "show me that sexy body, come on please?" type of thing.
I couldn't believe it. Even after she said no, he was still going for it. But then eventually he just apologized and said, "I don't know what came over me...I'm sorry for pressuring you" and the conversation ended there with her forgiving him.
I flipped and called him about it and he kept denying there were any messages in his inbox. Even when I told him it was right in front of my face, he still lied and said it wasn't there. Not until 20 minutes passed of me trying to get him to spill and finally reading the entire message from innocent to vulgar, did he admit that he did it, and apologized to me.
He said, "I was going to tell you because I felt bad... and you even saw that I ended it and apologized to her." Yeah, right. Telling her I wouldn't find out if they didn't tell me, really got me 'believing' he was going to tell me.
He said it was harmless flirting, and that it wasn't cheating because he had no desire to meet up with her and have sex, only to see nude images of her and that was it. But why would you flirt with another girl besides your girlfriend if you truly love her? My body isn't enough? He kept saying it was, that, because she didn't send anything it wasn't cheating.
I decided to stay with him, but I still feel slightly insecure, even though he gave me all his passwords to his accounts and even deactivated his Facebook since he never really was a computer person anyway. He even wrote one last message to her saying that he was ending all of this and that he would never do it again.
We've recovered from it, and since then, we haven't touched our Facebooks and everything seemed to go back to normal with us and he's been reassuring me that he loves me every day since then and that he can't wait to come back to me.
So...please don't think I'm crazy. We've been together 5 years and this has only been one thing that's happened in the trust area. Nowhere in the message did he ask her to meet up and do anything, nor try to get her phone number. Facebook was his only way of reaching her in the first place.
What would you do if this happened?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: YouMakeMeSmile
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 5421 Comments: 0 90 View all posts by YouMakeMeSmile
Comments (95)
Shame on you for reading his messages
Shame on him for being a dirtbagI know you're going to get a lot of comments saying to leave him but as someone in a similar situation (not the fb creepy thing, just been with my SO 5 years and we're high school sweethearts also) I can see why you want to work past it. Five years is a lot of time to invest in someone, I think if this situation ever happened to me I would also want to work through it. But he needs to be open to communication about the issues it has left you with 100%. Don't bottle anything up, say what you feel about it and maybe get some counseling when he gets back to where ever you are from Puerto Rico.
For me, that would be enough to leave him. I see it as a red flag for the future. I understand it's been 5 years but, ya know, there are good guys out there that wouldn't do things like this.
Just because you are comfortable and you've been together for so long doesn't mean you have to stay.
I don't know, if I were you- I wouldn't waste my time on crap like this. I mean, there are people out there who have been married for 20+ years and have left their spouse- so if they can do it- you can too.
In the end- just do whatever YOU want.But, life's too short to be unhappy.
a 5yr relationship is so long so it may take months for you to decide if you're going to leave him. But yes asking for nude photo is a form of cheating.
Giving you all of his passwords shows that he truly trusts you. I say keep the relationship but you still have to be a little bit cautious.
Other way, do what makes you feel good. If you feel the need to leave then just leave him.
So, the oldest you are is like 22? Honestly, I'd break up with him. Let him sow any wild oats down in Puerto Rico and what not. Then, if he comes back to you or you want him back then it's all good. Seriously and honestly, doing what he did shows a severe lack of respect for you, for the girl and for women in general. I've known some jerks in my lifetime, and not even some of them would ask a girl for naked pictures like that, maybe once... but certainly not after she keeps saying no.
Something is also wrong that you actually clicked on his inbox in the first place.
Good luck!
@fabolousclown@xanga - Giving her all the passwords probably means he had hidden, unknown accounts he's really using.
If you disapprove of him asking nude photos from a former classmate, I would consider this a form of cheating. However, he did give you the passwords so I would say that he trusts you. Perhaps it is just mindless, harmless flirting. But with all the nude pics available online, I don't see any reason why he should be asking another girl for her pictures. If I were you, I would take notice of this behavior but not make too big a deal of it considering he is many miles from you (and her). And like another commenter mentioned, life is too short to be unhappy so choose what will make you happy in the end. It might mean leaving him. It might be to overlook this silly mistake he made, especially since you love each other, but take some time to consider, don't make hasty choices.
If he's doing something and doesn't want you to find out about it (probably because you would disapprove and leave him), then I would consider it cheating.
stop reinstating the whole 5 years bullshit.
it doesn't mean shit all after what he just did. he's a liar and a persistently denying douchebag. if you hadn't had evidence pinned strongly on him, he would of kept denying it.
No such thing as harmless flirting. How many other girls has he asked for nude photos from? You should start wondering that one.
And the fact that he lied to you about even sending messages.. so how many other girls has he messaged as well?
Most definitely a form of cheating.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - What she said.
I would take his word for it unless you have more reasons to believe otherwise. As long as he's not a chronic or pathological liar, I think he just let his sex drive take over for a bit and then regretted it. It's normal to think about what could have been with other people. I'm not saying what he did was right, but if he shows genuine remorse, I would put this incident behind you.
What's that saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Don't be a fool the second time around.
He had ONE message? just one? probably just wanted you to see it and be the one to end it.
Hell yes it's cheating. I mean, if it was porn, someone he didn't know or would never meet, I think that's different. Many guys (and gals) look at and enjoy porn/nudity. But this is someone he actually knows, who told him no and he still pressured her.
First it's pictures, next with was "i was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing/I blacked out and slept with her"....
dump his ass and go find someone new. Don't be one of those women who puts up with this bullshit because you've been with him "for soooooo long" or you are afraid you won't find someone else. There are like, what, 6 billion people on the planet. Chances are someone who will treat you better is out there.
First...I guess you learned something about "judging".
The girl wasn't a slut after all...but your BF...that bears some thought.
Clearly, he has impulse control issues...and getting married doesn't fix those.
At the least, I'd say is not ready for any commitment.
Now...for the really awful thing.
What do most men do with nude pics?
Into the spank bank.
Fantasy is fine...but I prefer it be anonymous, non-specific.
He KNOWS this chick.
Your choice...but it sounds like you have issues.
wow ok.. I don't think its cheating, but it could be a sign that he has considered it... or it could be a sign that he has a porn addiction.
Either way, talk to him about it when he gets back to you. This is not a conversation you want to have over the phone. When he gets back, sit down and talk about it. The only way you guys can move past this is to talk it out. Pretending it never happened doesn't do any good.. it just leaves room for doubt.
As for what everyone else says? yes, you are young... and you've been together 5 years.. so what? If you love him, and he loves you, then the relationship is absolutely worth fighting for. But BOTH of you have to want it.
You might also want to consider some couple's counseling, with some individual sessions.
You know that debate that people have time & time again about whether girls and guys can just be friends. Well, in this case... he clearly wants more than a friendship.
And I'm sorry, but he wasn't going to tell you. If he was, he wouldn't have denied it when you called him out.
For those of you who think it's harmless, imagine if your significant other did the same thing behind your back. Because I'd feel betrayed.
What if the girl was a slut like you thought? What if she would've given him pictures? And then what if she would've said something like Ohh you like what you see... why don't you come see it in person?!
Think he would've? I do!
And maybeee this isn't the first time. I'd have a serious talk about if this is the first time he's ever done something like this, how he'd feel if you did the same thing behind his back and how he thinks you should handle it.
No. I don't consider it cheating. But regardless of whether you do, I do, or anyone else does...the question remains...do you want to be with a man who is okay with asking other women for naked photos, especially after the women have explicitly said no?
Cheating or not, depending on your definition....it was still innaproriate of him to do and I feel that violates the commitment part. He also violated the trust and honesty by trying to lie to you repeatedly and only admitting to it after you backed him into a corner so he had no choice. I bet you my next paycheck he would have done anything to make you believe the whole thing didn't happen and that is a major thing you need to straighten out with him.
Also, a similar thing has happened to me. I found my guy had made a secret profile on another social network site where he was sex chatting many different girls that were strangers from all over the conutry. I also found out he was sending and recieving dirty pics, and sex texts and I found this out after I got a $400 phone bill (and yes, I was paying for his phone at the time) and a log of about 6 different unfamiliar long distance numbers and I called them all and found out they were his online flings.
I went apeshit one day and called him out. At first he tried to deny it like your guy did...then he tried to excuse it saying that he considered it to be "interactive porn" (warning: men love to his this excuse). I asked him to think about what if I was doing that behind his back, and he admitted it would have made him insanely upset, so I said..."If you are doing something with other females that you have to hide from me and if you would be mad if I did the same with other guys, it's not cool" He agreed so he knocked that shit off once and for all and never had any problems sinse.
My advice is that IF you don't want to leave him, you need to set personal boundaries for yourself and be clear and detailed in the things you do not find acceptable as far as stuff like this goes. Some women are ok with their guys flirting with other girls, some are not. Either way, you have the right to decide what YOU find ok and not ok and you need to communicate that with him and make sure he is well informed...just so he doesn't try to pull this kind of shit again. As long as you two have an understanding of what is ok and not ok as far as interactions with people of the opposite sex, it should prevent him from pushing your boundaries. And don't let him try to say that by doing that you are trying to tell him what to do, you're not. He has the right to agree or disagree, but you have the right to set your own boundaries for any man you date.
Does it matter if it's cheating? I don't think you should decide whether or not to break up based on that. This was a big betrayal on his part, and you need to decide if you can deal with it the rest of the relationship and whether he'd be the kind to really change his ways.
I love posts titled things like "Am I cheating?" or "Is this cheating?" If you even have to ASK that..it's a red flag! There's more to cheating then physical by the way..there's emotional cheating as well. What a scumbag for even asking another girl for nude pictures! What an even scummier thing to keep asking after being repeatedly denied.& forget about him denying it to your face for the most part..he couldn't even be honest with you when he was caught! What a stand up guy.. -_-
"he doesn't know what came over him?" I'll tell you what came over him - he got a wandering eye after being with someone for so long. Shitty but it happens & it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You're both YOUNG & have your entire lives to explore things. I don't blame you for feeling insecure about yourself..Honestly, my advice would be to seriously consider taking a break. He obviously is second guessing himself with you & wanting to explore other girls. You have done nothing wrong & it's not about you. It's about him not being able to be honest with you or himself in the fact he may want to take a break. I just can't believe after being with someone for so long, that he couldn't even have the decency to talk to you about it OR admit it to you when you caught him.He betrayed you in a huge way..can you seriously trust him? What if he has other accounts he's keeping a secret from you with his "I won't tell anyone" demeanor? Can you deal with feeling insecure & doubting yourself? He just sounds like he turned into a major loser, sorry to say.
Is this cheating? The depends on the boundaries of your relationship and your own personal views.
As an example some people don't consider oral sex cheating. Other people consider looking at porn cheating. You need to clearly establish your own ideas on cheating and what you feel are and are not acceptable.
"I curiously opened the message to see it was a girl we both mutually knew from high school who we barely see anymore."
*ROTFLMAO* Oh yes, they really trust each other. Bwaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaaa. Duh? This one invaded someone's privacy, yet has the gall to tell everyone she trusted her man. You American women have a screw loose.
Personally, I don't think I could stay with someone who did that to me because I don't think I could ever trust him after that. Also I would think about what would he probably do with those pictures? Jerk off to them. I couldn't handle that. This isn't porn this is a girl in real life.
And just because he is tiptoeing the cheating line (which many people do in relationships and allow themselves to do because it isn't *really* cheating) doesn't mean he didn't really do anything wrong.
He lied to you and I don't doubt he'd pull something like that again.
It doesn't matter if one, seven or 20,000 people on the internet think it's cheating or whatever. YOU are not cool with it. It has upset you and undermined your sense of trust and security. If it's not working for you, that's what matters, not whether or not it would work for others.
You don't have to have your reaction validated by a mess of other people for it to be worth consideration.
It's YOUR relationship with him. If you care to work it out, then go for it, if the hurt runs too deep, then you are right to end it and move on.
Getting caught up in the who's wrong thing is just a distraction. No one has to be right or wrong, or prove anything. You have the right to feel and choose whatever works for you, as does he. You don't owe it to him to put up with that stuff if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
All I have to say is that it's up to you if you want to take a risk and stay with him. But by doing this, you have to understand that there's a 50% chance of him doing something like this again, just like there's a 50% chance of him not doing it. If you're willing to make the leap, good luck.