Monday, 09 April 2012
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Am I Cheating on Her?
This post was submitted anonymously.
I'm just an average 16-year-old guy. I have a girlfriend, and we've been together for 2 years and 3 months now.
We met during my sophomore year and things were great from then on out. Although during my senior year (I just graduated from high school), I had this classmate that I didn't pay too much attention to, but only recently have I found out that I am attracted to this girl. She's so kind to me and is one of, if not the most, understanding girls in my class. I love her personality, and I really enjoy spending time with her.
This classmate has been my friend since freshman year. My girlfriend, who is my first love, is from a different school, but come college we will go to the same campus. My girlfriend believes (and I mean seriously believes) that I am in love with said girl, though I do convince her otherwise. I love my girlfriend, I am her first boyfriend, and we cherish each other. I don't see said classmate anymore, but I really am looking forward to seeing her again. I don't know, I love my girlfriend, but suddenly this classmate just lights up my world.
Maybe I feel this way for her because of the big difference in personality between her and my girlfriend. She is just so outgoing and loves to be with everyone, gentle but homely and she isn't conservative like my girlfriend. Although I do like my girlfriend being conservative, it's just that sometimes I do need intimacy.
I don't mean sex or touches, I mean the "physical closeness" that cute couples have like walking holding hands, putting your head on a chest or shoulder, even having a hand around the waist (she finds this difficult to do). When a picture of us is being taken and I do this, I hate how she pushes my wrist back.
Maybe I am not in love with said classmate, maybe I am just finding what I want to see in my girlfriend that she has. At this point you may think I'm unstable after a slight overreaction to my girlfriend's lack of intimacy. Well, I hope I'm not acting weirdly. It's just that my girlfriend finds it really hard being physically comfy with me, I really feel that she loves me but I don't know if she's not trying hard enough or that she just can't get intimate. And my classmate, I really am messed up thinking about her, how she laughs, how her eyes sparkle when I look at them. I am so confused.
What do you think?
-Torn
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Comments (49)
Your feelings for this other girl are definitely more than just friends, based on this post. A lot of men seem to walk this very line, this "I am not doing anything physical with the other woman so it's not cheating." You might not be doing anything and you might not be "in love" with her, but there seems to be a definite feeling you have for her, and your girlfriend's gut instinct knows this. I have felt the same way and I understand why she is suspicious. You labeled yourself as "confused"...which isn't good. My boyfriend was confused once because he also had a female friend that he had taken a certain liking to, and I basically told him to choose one or the other and that if he choose me, he had to forget about her. There was no way I could be in a relationship with a guy who was off thinking about how awesome some other girl was. It's just not right. The fact is, you are having an inappropriate relationship with this other girl, even if it's just all in your own head and fantasies, which was the case for my boyfriend years ago. He realized this, chose me, and no longer speaks to the other girl.
Ask yourself this: If the roles were reversed and your girlfriend had a guy friend she fancied, thought about, and talked about, how would you feel? If you think you would be uncomfortable, then your relationship with this other girl needs some serious evaluating and you basically need to make a decision one which one of them holds your heart and keep that commitment.
You are 16? Move on from this girl and see this new girl. You are not obligated to stay with a girlfriend forever and it is obvious you are starting to dig this other girl. Intimacy (not sex) is very important in relationships. Good luck.
Have you talked to your girlfriend about your issues with her not being able to be physically intimate with you? A relationship is a two-way street and if you find that you need that physical closeness that she constantly pushes away, you need to have a talk with her. You guys probably just need to some time together to discover more about each other and if things can work or make an effort to make both of you happy.
Go with whatever you feel like man but two years and she doesn't want you to atleast put your hand around her waist?
you're not cheating on her, but you're definitely cheating her in some way. don't stay with her, you're just lying to yourself.
Don't settle down with one person now. This is the perfect time to date different women to see what you like and don't like. Enjoy it!!!
If he doesn't want to play the field, why should he? I don't know how this guy feels but he should do what he wants to do, not just play the field because that is supposedly what 16 year olds should do. I had a serious boyfriend in high school too. We started dating when I was 16 and him 15...and we went until we both graduated. I was 19 and he was 18, but everyone thought we were stupid for hanging to each other at that age, but that's what we wanted to do. Then we broke up for our own reasons and dated around in college and I don't regret having only dated one guy in high school.
Talk to your girlfriend about her problems with affectionate touching. If she did all that, would she still be satisfying enough for you to not think of another girl? If so, stick with her.
Maybe she isn't physically comfortable with you because you are wanting in another girls pants! So why would she want to just get all cozy with her mentally cheating boyfriend?! Pfft.
I think this relationship is holding you back from how you want to feel with a girl. You should be able to feel close with someone emotionally and physically. Maybe you're leaving the said classmate hanging, that's not fair either. You should think about what you're doing.
you're 16, kiddo, go have some fun. you can worry about sticking with a girl for 2 years when you're 30.
oh, and if i may say so myself, it strikes me as pretty odd that you've been with this chick for 2 years and haven't banged (unless you're waiting for marriage). i think it's time for a change.
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - I second this.
Try working out your issues with your girlfriend first to be fair to her.
@ShirleyD@xanga - My assumption was that the lack of physical closeness preceded the crush. Which probably contributed to him looking for it elsewhere. Of course, he should have handled it differently. But he is still young and has much to learn yet.
You're a kid. It's not about getting married when you are 16. All of this is practice. You are just learning about love and relationships. So is your current girlfriend.
It's not supposed to be forever when you're in high school. You aren't an a$$hole for moving on. You're normal.
youre 16 and in college? whattt
i have to disagree with others, jsut because youre still young doesnt mean that you should 'experience' other girls and just dump your current girlfriend, wtf?!. i think its normal to have crushes on other people while in a serious relationship, unless you really cant keep your mind off of this girl. Then again, you sound like youre not that into your girlfriend right now. All in all, just go with your gut & choose who makes you happier.
if you have to ask then you probably are
One thing that I've learned about relationships is being able to handle change is a must. My SO and I live two hours from each other and go to completely different colleges (we've been together 2 years). I promised myself to remain humble about him seeing other women because it isn't my job to control his emotions or attractions. He feels the same way, too, and we're both in agreement to not rip each others' heads off if we happen to discover a new flame. I'm not sure if you and your girlfriend are really exclusive or if you're willing to allow each other to keep your options open, but it could help. In my case, it has helped strengthen the relationship, and so far both of us can't seem to find anybody else who makes us feel the way we do for each other. I suppose it's sort of a reminder of who we really love.
this is gonna sound cliche as HELL. but really. like what everyone says,
you are young. live your life.
follow your heart, dont have any regrets.
and my personal def of cheating would be something i wouldnt want my partner to do to me.
so place yourself in her shoes and take it from there maybe?
In the modern day it's rare to stay with a high school sweetheart, specially for those that are intent on going to college. I've only known one couple from my high school that has stayed together after high school.
As for your girlfriend, if she doesn't have what you want in a relationship then maybe she isn't right for you. I made that mistake as well. I thought I was in love with a guy i was dating in high school, he wasn't college bound and i didn't like that and he had a kid. Not my forte. Obviously, it didn't work out. Now, I'm not saying that you probably don't love her but there are some issues at hand. I'm sure you've talk to her about the physical closeness since you are aware it actually makes her uncomfortable. That for me sounds like a deal breaker for you in the long run since it seems like something that she won't be able to change about herself, which is fine. Just be aware of what you really want in a relationship.
College, in my opinion, is a great opportunity to explore and experience new things. It's nicer if you start off college single. You are more willing to do things. Of course you have to mind your studying. I would recommend going into college single. If the girl you are interested in is going with you, it's a chance to get to know each other better. College is completely different from high school and so are the relationships you may experience.
Best of luck to you.
you clearly have feelings for the other girl, and even if you aren't cheating on your girlfriend you're certainly not being fair to her.
I say break up with her, spare her feelings of being with someone who clearly has feelings for someone else (because she obviously knows, and told you so) because not only are you very young, but it doesn't even sound like you're mature enough for a committed relationship right now - and there's nothing wrong with that!
You've been dating her since you were 14?
Sounds like to me you both need to let each other go and actually find true love.
This is tricky because maybe those feelings you have for this new girl can be misleading. Maybe what you're really in love with is the adventure and thrill of wanting someone else even if you have a partner. Not everything that shines is gold.
If you even have to ask "Am I cheating on my girlfriend?" that's a red flag. Cheating isn't just physical, it can be emotional. It's obvious from this post that you're feeling more then 'friend' vibes toward your classmate. As some have already stated intimacy is important & it doesn't just mean sex. Feeling comfortable enough with your lover to hold hands or snuggle or whatever is definitely an important factor in any relationship. Also, you're YOUNG. you're sixteen you said? This may be your first love, but it won't be your last. You owe to yourself to go out & explore the world, date, have fun! See what feelings lie behind the vibes you're getting from your classmate! I know someone is going to get hurt here [most likely you're girlfriend] but there's an old saying that says
"If you love someone, let them go..if they return they were always yours, if they don't they never were."Hopefully, if you decide to pursue things with this other girl, your girlfriend will ultimately understand. You are BOTH young & deserve a chance to explore other people, things & places. The choice is yours, but I say - you never know unless you take a leap, they don't call it a leap of faith for nothin' ;]
@x_UNF0RGiVEN@xanga - where I live, high school is called college. Might be the same where he lives :)