Saturday, 07 April 2012
It's been almost two months since the breakup of a 2-year relationship--a month since we last saw each other and exchanged our last words and apologies. We broke up due to a lot of misunderstandings, miscommunications, constant fighting, and a lot of it was caused by me.
Although no cheating was involved, I felt like I emotionally abused him to the point where he had to break it off with me. He cried and said it hurt to let me go. He was scared of losing me, yet he had to do this because this relationship no longer worked out--it was too toxic.
After the breakup and all the initial begging and bargaining that obviously didn't work, I took some time off and started seeing things from his perspective--seeing why our relationship was weighing us down instead of supporting our lives. I was immature, selfish, and insensitive to his feelings, due to the assumption that he would always be by my side regardless of what happened.
Now I've understood where he came from, I sincerely feel bad, I apologized, but he's determined to move on because "it's hurt him for so long. He has to do what's right by him, because he's the one that has to live with himself by the end of the day. All the bad was outweighing the good."
I wished him happiness and I told him I'd work on myself. He thanked me, told me to take care of myself, and that he doesn't hate me. He was gone; I accepted it. But here we are again, a bit over a month later.
I've gone to the gym, aced classes, volunteered, hung out with my friends, even started seeing other people in complete NC. The first month after the breakup, everything seemed like it worked out for the better. I was becoming very at ease with the breakup; I was okay with him leaving me because he wasn't happy with me, and I love him enough to let him go to find his happiness. I do honestly want him to be happy, so happy that it pains my chest.
So when I (stupidly) logged into his email since I still had his passwords, I found out that he was trying to see some other girl after the first month of our breakup. He took her to places that he took me to on our first dates. It was hurtful, but it was also alleviating that there's no hope for me left--that was the confirmation I was yearning for. I understand he's trying to take care of himself too, and in all honesty she's a very nice girl (I've distantly known her).
They seem to work well together. I wasn't bitter, and knowing him, he's not trying to do this to spite me. He didn't publish any of this information publicly (his FB status is still single) to hurt me; I found out because I snooped and that was wrong of me. I came to terms with the fact that things were completely over between us.
Yet, for the past week, the pain has come back to pierce my heart. Half of my room is full of the things he's given me: the stuffed animals, the TV, the books, the laptop, etc... I've gotten rid of the pictures but others are the things I use daily, so I couldn't. I used to just walk in my room and could see him through these items. Yet, now, I can just treat them like mere objects without picturing him; I've become detached.
Then, I think about, it's only been 2 months, I've already been detached, so he must have forgotten about me; and I'm not sure if I want him to forget me yet. The irony isn't lost in me, though. I do realize it isn't under my control, but damn it hurts.
I can barely remember what his stubble felt like or what he smelled like; the more he fades, the more my consciousness clings onto him. It's like, I want to let go, but I am not sure that I'm ready to have him entirely removed from my life, although that's probably much better for me. What is going on?
Now, I also can't care less for his happiness. I've come to know he's still seeing the new girl. Although they're not dating (they're taking things slowly/seriously), he seems to be immensely happy. It slaps me in the face because I'm also in a new relationship, but I constantly think about him.
It's only been 2 months, I can't blame him for moving on, but I felt betrayed and angered because of how invested he is in his new relationship while I really am nonchalant with mine.
I have decided to break up with my new boyfriend, so I can learn to be happy alone and to completely get over my ex before I can jump into another relationship. So here I am: I am angered, I am scared, betrayed, confused, and hopeless.
I thought that I accepted the break-up, and I DO still see that we'd not work out together at the time, but I'm also conflicted. I really don't want to be with anyone else but him. I don't even know what stage of grieving I am at. It just all seems like a hodgepodge. What the hell is wrong with me?
The facts remain: I was immature, selfish, and insensitive. He didn't let me go, I let him go. How do I move on from that? What should I do?