Saturday, 07 April 2012

  • How Do You Move On When You Were The One To Let Him Go?


    It's been almost two months since the breakup of a 2-year relationship--a month since we last saw each other and exchanged our last words and apologies. We broke up due to a lot of misunderstandings, miscommunications, constant fighting, and a lot of it was caused by me.

    Although no cheating was involved, I felt like I emotionally abused him to the point where he had to break it off with me. He cried and said it hurt to let me go. He was scared of losing me, yet he had to do this because this relationship no longer worked out--it was too toxic.

    After the breakup and all the initial begging and bargaining that obviously didn't work, I took some time off and started seeing things from his perspective--seeing why our relationship was weighing us down instead of supporting our lives. I was immature, selfish, and insensitive to his feelings, due to the assumption that he would always be by my side regardless of what happened.

    Now I've understood where he came from, I sincerely feel bad, I apologized, but he's determined to move on because "it's hurt him for so long. He has to do what's right by him, because he's the one that has to live with himself by the end of the day. All the bad was outweighing the good."

    I wished him happiness and I told him I'd work on myself. He thanked me, told me to take care of myself, and that he doesn't hate me. He was gone; I accepted it. But here we are again, a bit over a month later.

    I've gone to the gym, aced classes, volunteered, hung out with my friends, even started seeing other people in complete NC. The first month after the breakup, everything seemed like it worked out for the better. I was becoming very at ease with the breakup; I was okay with him leaving me because he wasn't happy with me, and I love him enough to let him go to find his happiness. I do honestly want him to be happy, so happy that it pains my chest.

    So when I (stupidly) logged into his email since I still had his passwords, I found out that he was trying to see some other girl after the first month of our breakup. He took her to places that he took me to on our first dates. It was hurtful, but it was also alleviating that there's no hope for me left--that was the confirmation I was yearning for. I understand he's trying to take care of himself too, and in all honesty she's a very nice girl (I've distantly known her).

    They seem to work well together. I wasn't bitter, and knowing him, he's not trying to do this to spite me. He didn't publish any of this information publicly (his FB status is still single) to hurt me; I found out because I snooped and that was wrong of me. I came to terms with the fact that things were completely over between us.

    Yet, for the past week, the pain has come back to pierce my heart. Half of my room is full of the things he's given me: the stuffed animals, the TV, the books, the laptop, etc... I've gotten rid of the pictures but others are the things I use daily, so I couldn't. I used to just walk in my room and could see him through these items. Yet, now, I can just treat them like mere objects without picturing him; I've become detached.

    Then, I think about, it's only been 2 months, I've already been detached, so he must have forgotten about me; and I'm not sure if I want him to forget me yet. The irony isn't lost in me, though. I do realize it isn't under my control, but damn it hurts.

    I can barely remember what his stubble felt like or what he smelled like; the more he fades, the more my consciousness clings onto him. It's like, I want to let go, but I am not sure that I'm ready to have him entirely removed from my life, although that's probably much better for me. What is going on?

    Now, I also can't care less for his happiness. I've come to know he's still seeing the new girl. Although they're not dating (they're taking things slowly/seriously), he seems to be immensely happy. It slaps me in the face because I'm also in a new relationship, but I constantly think about him.

    It's only been 2 months, I can't blame him for moving on, but I felt betrayed and angered because of how invested he is in his new relationship while I really am nonchalant with mine.

    I have decided to break up with my new boyfriend, so I can learn to be happy alone and to completely get over my ex before I can jump into another relationship. So here I am: I am angered, I am scared, betrayed, confused, and hopeless.

    I thought that I accepted the break-up, and I DO still see that we'd not work out together at the time, but I'm also conflicted. I really don't want to be with anyone else but him. I don't even know what stage of grieving I am at. It just all seems like a hodgepodge. What the hell is wrong with me?

    The facts remain: I was immature, selfish, and insensitive. He didn't let me go, I let him go. How do I move on from that? What should I do?

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Comments (65)

  • UnconventionalButterfly@xanga

    Oh boy, this is going to get a lot of hate. I think its great that you know what you did was wrong. You learned from your mistakes and that's the positive you can hold onto. It kinda seems like he's the one who let you go, since you're the one whose still broken up about it. You remind me of a song, breakeven by script. The only thing you can do is keep trying to move on. Oh, no more snooping either! 
  • Nous_Apeiron@xanga

    You could write a letter to him explaining your feelings for him, then burn it.  That may help with closure a bit.  Or you could actually deliver the letter with the caveat that you also make sure he understands that you agree it's over.
  • unPREDICTABLEE@xanga

    You can't do anything. I don't know what you want me to say here but you already know the answer. Simply, he's moved on. It's okay to feel jealous, insecure, ultimately... alone just because, ya, the guy you once liked (loved) moved on with another girl but you can't keep holding onto the past, the future is now yours to make. If it makes it easier, delete him off Facebook, throw away the gifts he gave you. It already says a lot about you because WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL KEEPING THE GIFTS HE GAVE YOU? Throw it away already! Buy your own things, replace them, if it reminds you of him, don't keep them!

    As harsh as it sounds, your ex-boyfriend doesn't want you. Stop being hopeful and stop clinging onto the "good memories" (AND STOP LOGGING ONTO HIS E-MAILS, imagine if he did that to you? It's just crazy... and we all know, your not crazy, so don't be that crazy ex-girlfriend). As much as you want the relationship back, there's a reason why it didn't work in the first place. Yeah, it sucks. It does. Trust me. I've been there.

    My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago with similar reasons, I felt the same pain as you did. I broke down and cried during the first month, and on/off the second month. But its okay to feel the way you do, let it out, cry, grieve, your human. No one's going to judge you.


    BUT You HAVE to realize that you need to move on, stop this self-pitying, time doesn't stop for anyone. If your this miserable by yourself, do you REALLY THINK being with your ex-boyfriend again (or being with anyone) is going to make you truly happy?
    I'm still working on finding my own happiness, I still grieve the lost of my ex-boyfriend but I honestly think that the break-up was a blessing in disguise. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie but I catch myself wanting him back, but in all honesty, if he wanted me back, he would've gotten me back.... and I don't see him moving any mountains to get me. He's already hurt me once but I'm not going to let him hurt me twice. So don't let him do that to you.

    Remember, you are a great person, pretty, fun, there's somebody out there who would LOVE to be with you. And I like to think of it as getting fired. If you got fired from a job, would you want the job back? I don't think so. 

    “It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.” 
    ― Greg Behrendt
  • TheNotoriousGOD@xanga

    i'm by no means any expert on relationships, but i feel like 2 months isn't that long after a 2-year relationship.  you might just need more time away from the game. 

    it seems to me like you already know the problem, anyway:  this is really a matter of ego.  you don't like that he "won" the break-up.  this is obvious to me (as a reader) too, since you acknowledge that you have no emotional attachment to the gifts he's given you anymore, let alone him. 

    you did the right thing by dropping the new guy, by the way (though i wonder how you could have a "boyfriend" after only 1 month...).  if you want, i'm pretty familiar with the dc clubbing scene--to the degree that you can call them clubs--and would be happy to give you suggestions on where to go have fun.  though i gather that if you live in suburbia you're probably not a big fan of the drink.
  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    I grieved for about a year after my breakup. he was like a drug habit that I couldn't get off of my mind. later I got over him. but that was probably because I found someone new to obsess over I'm way too possessive to be in a healthy relationship yet with my new guy, he doesn't see the things that I do as negative, but he feels that I treat him so good and he wants to repay me by worshipping me back somehow we make it work. I think I found my equally psychotic soulmate
  • justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga

    Actually, I'm seeing a lot of similarities in this blog post to a situation I was in with my ex-fiance. We, too, broke up because of issues I was having and how I treated him. And he, too, found a new girl a few months after we broke up and that hurt a lot. But, they are good together, I think, and now he is married to her and has a baby.

    Maybe you've been dating others, but it's just very hard to move on after only 2 months. It has been about 2 years now since I lost my ex, and I still think about him even though we haven't talked in those couple of years. He just was lucky enough to find the right person before I was, I hope, or he is just a very codependent person, either way I hope he's happy. That's not to say we're never going to find someone, but this all happens at different times for different people. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but sometimes there is just too much damage done that you can't change. It probably is better to move on, but it just takes time. Sometimes a lot of it, but you'll see later on down the road why it was probably a good thing.
  • SweetPrincesita@xanga

    I understand what you are going through. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about 3 months ago because of my emotional problems. I never hurt him intentionally, but I still did....and it hurts sooooo, sooooo, sooo bad when you've hurt another human being. Especially one that's done nothing but care for you. Ugh. It's so hard for me not to call him. Well, the things you learn the most from always hurt the most, as well. So take this, accept that you as a human being made a mistake, and learn from this. Maybe this happened to make you realize your emotional problems.
    It can be so hard to move on when you've made the mistake, but it's something you have to do. Some days will be better than others.
    As for your now boyfriend, good, you should definitely break up with him. You do not need to be in a relationship with someone while your not even over your last. And even MORE importantly, I think you need to work on yourself. Why were you being mean to him? I'm sure it's not because you wanted to be. Obviously, you feel guilt over this, so you are not just an "insensitive and selfish" person. Maybe you wanted to push him away? Maybe you were scared?
    I can't really say much, because I don't know why you would act in that way, because I don't know you, but I DO think you DEFINITELY!!!! need to take a while and try to figure out why you did the things you did. No one acts that way for no reason.
    That's what I'm doing now. I realized I am in no way ready for a relationship, and am now trying to just focus on ME.
    I hope this helps!
  • timestill@xanga

    the first thing you should do is tell him you still know his email password.  (i doubt you will though...because then.......no more snooping).
  • ccccourage@xanga

    I still dont understand, and probably never will understand why people share their email, FB, etc passwords with their SO's. What is that about? And after the break up, why didn't he change them?

    No matter who or what the cause, the break up of a long intimate relationship is going to hurt, cause confusion, see sawing emotions and all that. You are not crazy, but you can do yourself a favor by not snooping anymore, and I don't see anything wrong with casual or group dating. As long as you are not hooking up with someone just to "Show him", Hanging out with people and paying attention to how you communicate with them etc might help you understand some of what went wrong.
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  • o0_Gina_0o@xanga

    I stopped read after I saw you were snooping through his email even after you broke up? Snooping in the first place is wrong. Still snooping after you've broken up? I'd be so disturbed if I were him, and found out at some point. As in Stay the hell away from me disturbed. Good luck.
  • wien7@xanga

    Why would you invade someone's privacy (if it wasn't one before, it definitely is an invasion after a break-up) by logging in to their e-mail account? .. Seriously?

    To be honest, I stopped reading once you admitted that -- too pathetic for me to have any sympathy/advice. Move on and grow up.
  • missbarbie08@xanga

    I've been here before. "The more he fades, the more my consciousness clings onto him" rings so true to me. Five years ago I was in a serious relationship that started off insanely perfect and had a bitter ending. I was immature and didn't handle things well. We fought all the time. Mostly because of me. The day it finally ended, it was almost a release. It was a catch 22, because I wanted him so bad, but we both knew what we once had was over. You can beat a dead horse anymore. It hurt because I knew deep down inside that I was the one that caused the demise of our relationship. I still think about and I'm always wondering what I could have done differently. Now, I take my thoughts and re-direct them to future relationships. After a few short rebounds and lots of thinking, I'm in a new relationship now. I have taken everything I learned from my biggest heartbreak and used them to my advantage in this relationship. Now I have a guy who is seemingly head over heels for me as I am too. I have grown more wise and mature and now I know how to handle a healthy relationship. Sometimes in order to learn something you have to make a mistake, you have to lose something that means a lot to you. That is what changes you. Nobody can change until they're threatened. You will heal, as did I. This was a lesson learned. I know it aches, it ached for me for a very long time. Don't think about the things you could have done, should have done; instead think about the things you can do now to better yourself and your future relationships.
  • scribbles

    First of all, kudos to you! I'm glad that you did break up with the new boyfriend. It drives me up the WALL seeing girls just jump into new relationships without even making time for themselves and learning to be alone. I've been there, and yes it is brutal. Especially when you leave such a volatile relationship and trying to fix the pieces. Continue to do what your doing. Make time for yourself and do things you like on your own. That being said, make sure you devote times for friends and family so you don't feel completely lonely, there are going to be times when you need to vent. Honestly, you did yourself right and are on the right track. Like you said it's only been two months of a two year relationship, you need more time to move on.

    As for him, we don't know what's going through his mind and what his mentality is about the relationship. I'm not one to judge his situation because maybe during your relationship he had already moved on per say which made him move on to someone else so fast. Or maybe it's just him trying to get over you. But like I said I cannot judge his situation and well, to each their own in regards to his decision. You can only be happy for him because like you said he wasn't happy and deserves to be. You really have no control of it otherwise but to work on yourself and to better yourself. Try to figure out WHY your relationship was toxic,  how you contributed to it and why you did that. Try to figure out how you can change that about yourself for the next time. It's not even about change, even the fact of being self-aware is a big accomplishment in itself. As for the snooping, please stop. And if you can't the only way it can be resolved is you tell him your going on his e-mail accounts so he would change his passwords. I know you want that consolidation and you've gotten it, so I hope that was the last time. Otherwise, your really not making any progression when you keep going on his account. Also, it's a totaly invasion of privacy when you do that being in a relationship with someone, so imagine the extent your taking it when you aren't even attached to him.wish you the best of luck.
  • alwayslighter@xanga

    First off, the point of this isn't that she looked through his email. We've all logged on to someone's account at one point or another, even if it's just to say "haha hacked you" and log off. My mom found out her bf was cheating on her that way, and she's glad because she didn't have to keep looking stupid to his friends.

    The point is, there's really nothing you can do. It hurts because you know you did wrong in the relationship, and now it's "too little, too late." I am proud, however, that you've left your current boyfriend to get yourself sorted out. You've gotta be happy alone before you can be happy with someone, and that's a fact. I wish you all the luck in the world (:
  • karmaprincesa@xanga

    Thank you so much for this post. I'm going through the same situation right now and I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this confusion... 
  • babyxxxo@xanga
    @unPREDICTABLEE@xanga - 

    I needed to read that, as much as you've said things I already know for myself, I still need the constant affirmation from others. And I know this was directed to the OP, but I'm thankful for the advice/push your words gave me. I just got out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship,andand the pathetic part is that I was still the one broken up with.
  • reesa14@xanga

    Ya know after reading this post I texted my boyfriend asking if I treated him well. He replied that I did and even though I know we have a good relationship, I still had to ask. Because, for the last couple months I have been moody/mean/etc. towards him. He's stated often that "I need to be nice to him," and "You start fights for no reason."
     I know exactly what you mean by "I was immature, selfish, and insensitive to his feelings, due to the
    assumption that he would always be by my side regardless of what
    happened." I feel like in a lot of long-term relationships this probably happens a lot because it's so easy too get comfortable and take a person for granted.

    From your post you sound really self-aware and I'm sorry it was too late to fix things. I know how terrible heartbreak is and the only advice I found that's true is that time will mend the pain.

    Like others have stated this will be a huge learning experience if you allow it to be. When you find someone good again you'll probably try a lot harder to not let things deteriorate. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in your healing process.
  • unPREDICTABLEE@xanga

    @babyxxxo@xanga - I'm glad I could help! If you ever need someone to talk too, you can always message me. 
  • sas07@xanga

    I feel the exact same way- Two-year relationship ended through a text message 3 weeks ago. I would much rather die then feel the way I feel now. I hope you find peace. I don't think I'm going to make it.
  • T0m03@xanga

    It seems you just need to give it some more time. Wounds heal overnight but they do so slowly and not very noticeably. Hugs to you!
  • sas07@xanga

    @unPREDICTABLEE@xanga - This is -exactly- what I needed to hear and I'm sure it will help the OP as well. Thank you!!! <3
  • greatredwoman@xanga

    Glad that you are recognizing your part in this breakup. None of us are perfect, but you don't want to carry this same toxicity into your next relationship. Now IS the time to learn from this sad situation and move on.. Take the time to talk to a professional, admit your part in all of this, LEARN from this experience and move fwd...healthier and ready for a new relationship, in time. 

    Take the time to process and get over this relationship..

    Good luck to you, dear!!
  • messy

    i have the same experience.i broke up from a four year relationship two years ago.i was mean,selfish and took him for granted,i always wished for more....we fought all the time.most of the fights were started by me...then after some time he got tired of me.he got more obsessed with his studies....we were drawin far apart,,he started sying mean things to me...once he even scrached me till it bled a little....but he said he loved me.but i broke up with HIM coz i felt we were not meant for each other..but he still came back for me saying that he will change.we had a lot of breakups when we were together..so i thought its never gonna work....we studied at the same place,,i saw him everyday,it was very hard in the begining.but i somehow became a very tough person and dealt with it.even after the break up we fought over the phone.once he shouted at me in front of the whole class....so one and half years after the breakup i started a new relationship.it was a quick decision.but the guy is really great,,in the first few months i never thought about my ex.but now all the guilty feelings are coming to me thinking that i am the one who made him a bad person...i keep thinking about him..i dream about him...and the worst thing i compare my new BF with him..i know its a horrible thin...my new one treats me like an angel........he does everything to make me happy...i dont know what to do..my ex was very handsome..and sexy...this one is sweet..i am confused.... PLEASE SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOME ADVISCE.........
  • dounoe_themuffinman@xanga
    i feel you. but hey, its deff gonna take more than 2 months. at least give it more time
    than you spent in ur relationship. maybe after 2 years youll look at that laptop and smile because, even tho it reminds u of him, u remm him like a good friend that you made good memories with. by that time all the pain will have subsided, every last drop. deff keep seeing other people to get your mind off but also, if ur a person of faith, (and i hope i dont offend you) you shud keep in mind that everything hapoens for a reason and God knows whats best for you. Someone will
    come around who will be good for your life, ur health, ur faith, and ur soul... the relationship wont be as toxic, etc. And soe
    of thay will have to with u learning all the lessons that you did from the past relationship, lessons both about relationships and about yourself as a person, your weaknesses, your needs. having had experience being hurt, esp recently after cutting off ties with an old friend, i can understand ur pain, and from the bottom
    of my heart, i wish u well and hope you find a relationship
    full of happiness.

    peace,
    random stranger
    <3

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