I feel like a sensible human being would say that sex is not a deal breaker in a relationship. And from a completely superficial standpoint, I would be inclined to agree. Sex, in terms of selfish pleasure, is not so important. But I won't lie. I have dumped a guy in the past because the sex was bad.
I think I should be clear here: I didn't end things with this guy because he was failing to give me orgasms. To put it in the vaguest terms, our sexual chemistry was completely wrong for each other. And while I think it was mostly inexperience on his part, I didn't feel like it was something that we could work on over time. Everything was wrong: the kiss, the touch, and even the energy was all out of sync.
Sex is an expression of two people. It is an indication of the health and state of a relationship. And if two bodies fail to perform this basic function on a complimentary level without an attempt or desire to improve, then it is best to call it quits. Life is too short for bad sex.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Would you dump someone if the sex was bad? Have you ever stopped seeing someone because you were not sexually satisfied?
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Comments (65)
No, bad sex isn't a deal breaker. After all, we were all inexperienced before. The best you can do is to communicate with each other on how they can help you achieve orgasm and vice versa, and other things to get it going.
It could be a deal breaker or not, depending on the person. But do invest in a sex book or ask what your partner like/dislike during sex. Sex is one of those things that you can improve on. You can't expect an inexperience he/she to be a pro in bed all a sudden. Wrap it up, be safe, and have fun! ^_^
Hmm yeah probably, if it's the kinda bad sex that no matter how much you try and help, talk, teach, etc if you don't match then you don't match. It'd probably be a culmination of a lot of things in order to break the deal though. If sex was the only only bad thing going on then I guess bad sex with a great person is better than amazing sex with a horrible person.
It depends on the situation.
If the person is willing to accept that you are unhappy with things and is willing to change and learn what you enjoy, then there is no problem. If they aren't open minded and willing to learn, well then, that's probably a good indicator for many things in the future of the relationship... if it was going to make it that far.
My fiance was a virgin when I met him, so obviously the sex wasn't good at first. But he wanted to learn exactly what I liked so I taught him. :)
Yes it is. I love passionate soul bonding sex and that only comes if there's immediate chemistry between two people from the start. You can work on techniques but you can't work on chemistry, it's either there or it's not
it isn't the main dealbreaker-usually being an asshole is...but sex isn't the only thing. if the guy isn't overall naughty enough, I just don't think we're compatible. he doesn't like dirty talking, sexting, sex toying, dressing up and stripteasing, and possibly other foreplay things, then he isn't umm...perverted or sexually creative enough to amuse me. I've known some guys like that, which is okay, because they'll find another, who feels the same, so nothing wrong with the guy, just not each other's type. so yeah, I found a guy, who I'm compatible with in every way that matters.
I think it is...
If you loved the other person, and the only thing was the bad sex, I don't feel that is a good reason to end the relationship. After all, with experimenting and practice, it can be made better. Try new techniques, incorporate toys, etc. If that doesn't help, then maybe you need a new partner. But it shouldn't be the only reason.
ANYTHING is a deal breaker if it might cause you to look elsewhere to fill that void.
don't you think it's hypocritical of you to dump someone for being inexperienced? every time i hear someone say that, i wish upon them the inability to ever get another job because they're not experienced enough.
the sex with my ex was awful. and it the end, i cheated because of that.
Depends on how much I like them.
Communication is key.
Even so much as screaming "harder!" :P
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I think you make an interesting point. However, I think it works more in my favor than yours... I think what I was saying was that the guy had no desire or drive to perform "the job"...so why would I hire him/ do the horizontal tango with him...? It wasn't soley about a lack of experience...like I said, everything was off. Why would I hire someone so completely WRONG for the job????
bad sex is definitely a deal breaker
No. You can always work on bad sex.
If you break off a relationship that is otherwise fine, all due to bad sex, that is very immature and shows no long term sight in a relationship. If you're moaning and grunting to whatever they're doing, you're sending them the signal that what they're doing is OK. Almost any partner would like to know what pleases the other- politely tell them and guide them, you will find they are probably eager to correct what isn't doing it for you!
If there is no chemistry and that is what makes the sex bad then I'd probably break up with him. You can't force chemistry. If there is chemistry, but the sex is bad I would try working on it and communicating.
I'd say bad sex is a deal breaker, but that's after giving it an honest try over and over again. If it doesn't get any better, I think it says something about the chemistry and compatibility of the two people. Yes, sex isn't everything, but it is an important part of an adult relationship. Everyone has their sexual needs. Sexual frustration is not the business, especially when you're sexually active in a relationship.
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Well for me it kind of works itself out. The only guys I've had bad sex with are the ones that don't work , because the chemistry isn't there. The excitement, the passion, everything isn't there. You can tell a lot about someone by their sexual behavior. Some match up, some don't. That's why there are 7 billion people in the world.
@DaraMarie - well, let me start by stating the obvious--what i said wasn't intended to be an analogy. my point was more that you also had no experience at one point in your life, and had to learn. so to reject someone else because he is inexperienced seems a bit hypocritical to me. you say that it had to do with chemistry too, but chemistry *also* comes from experience (i think you acknowledged this in your original post). kissing, touching, etc are all learned behaviors. if you tried to teach him and he was unwilling, then sure, i won't hold it against you. but if you didn't try, pegged it to a lack of chemistry, and kicked him to the curb, then yeah...that's kind of a bitch move.
these posts (would you/would you not date a virgin, and things in that vein) tend to strike a nerve with me because when i was younger, i always knew that girls didn't want to put up with inexperience. so i always felt like i had to brush it under the rug. knowing what i know now, i made the right decision. but it still annoys me all these years later that i couldn't have been more honest about it.
@kate90b@xanga - You're just a terrible person.
@Elfkid@xanga - You're definitely right. It's pretty shallow to break up with someone because of bad sex. And it really shows that you don't even love the person.
I really think it depends on the situation.
The sex wasn't that great in the beginning of my current relationship, but he was a virgin so what could I expect? Even our first kiss was pretty awkward but I was willing to stick with it because I really cared about him and could see a future with him. It didn't happen overnight, it took a couple of weeks of feeling each other out and showing him what I did/didn't like for it to improve. We went from meh sex to mindblowing sex within months. It definitely brought us closer and now I have no complaints about our love life.
On the other hand, there are some people you automatically connect with, which can also be nice for obvious reasons. I had that connection in the past as well (and call me romantic but that has never mattered unless the other person is romantically involved with you to me) which can be equally nice.
Anyway to answer the question, it wasn't a deal breaker for me because I wanted a future with my SO and he was willing to work on it just as much as I was. It would have been a deal breaker otherwise.
I seem to be echoing what others have already said, but I think it really depends on the situation.
I've been in situations where initially, the sex was not so great but after a little work at getting to know each other's preferences and trying some new things, we were about to completely turn around the chemistry and have great sex. However, I also have been in situations where what he was looking for and what I was looking for from a sexual standpoint were just things that were never, ever going to complement each other.
So I don't think it should automatically be a deal breaker, because in many cases, practice makes perfect, but I also understand that there are some cases where it is a deal breaker because your needs are just too different.