Saturday, 31 March 2012
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Which Is Worse After a Breakup?
This is a question that has boggled me for awhile now. Excluding debates on internal versus external locus of control and what not, I'd really like to know which people think is worse after a breakup--being told that there was nothing wrong, it just wasn't meant to be, or having a person list certain traits and characteristics as faults.On the one hand, I think the "ignorance is bliss" mentality can definitely be comforting. With a positive attitude one could think, "I gave it my all, no regrets," right? However, if said person did not have such a chipper outlook, another thought process may be occurring. Something along the lines of "I gave it my all, and I still wasn't good enough."
If a person is inclined to take the latter train of thought, he or she would probably prefer being told that something was wrong that was in his/her power to change. They could take comfort knowing that they themselves are inherently okay, and that it was just some feature that the other person did not like. On the other hand, this too could backfire into "why didn't I fix it when I had the chance?"
So which do you think is worse after a breakup? Being told that there was nothing more you could do, or that you blew it?
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- From: npr32486@xanga
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Comments (31)
Umm in my experience usually relationships end because one person is an asshole, or because they're not compatible. Personally I would hate it more if I was the asshole because it means I screwed up something that could've been good.
That I couldn't fulfill a person's needs and wasn't good enough for them, but that that doesn't mean I am not good enough for everyone.
So in the end the first to be honest. Because I don't think it has to tear you down :P. I actually think that theoratically everyone can devellop a good relationship with every other human being...I mean I could completely get brainwashed and be what the other person wants, so I could always blame myself. But most of the time we make the choice to stay ourselves and not do so, and then it often "doesn't fit". Or we can say that everything is determined and we actually never have a choice and it was what it was at the time.
In end I think you go out of a relationship with a mixture of both. Or it is just the natural process of learning that makes you understand things later. Depending on how you look at it, neither has to be depressing.
After a break up - I prefer not talking. Period. Not worth hearing their feedback. I would much rather reflect on the relationship from my own perspective and review what are my wants in the relationship and what I require from a partner. We broke up obviously because there was one reason or another. If I broke up - then I already know what the issue was. And if he did, well reason or no reason, it's his issue and unless he's willing to talk it out, he can keep his bullshit and go.
I'd rather be told that there was nothing more I can do. I gave it my all and if partner decides to end it, then that's their prerogative. It'll raise a shitload of insecurities but be confident and move on. Learn from that experience (especially painful ones).
My Roommate is going through this right now. He wasn't given specifics and it's just eating away at him. He wants to know if it was something he did or something he could have controlled. I understand the want for more information but at the same time, it's territory that makes the dumpee feel worse than they already do and can make the dumper look like a total bitch/douchebag.
I'd prefer to be dumped with the "there's nothing else you can do" excuse, because that means I'd tried my best and it's too bad that we are not compatible.
But if I were to dump someone I really loathe I'd probably do the "you're not good enough" line and other excuses along that train because everyone knows that hurts the most
I'd just want the truth. If someone is breaking up with me I dont want them to concoct a story that is "easiest" for me to handle. If I was doing something wrong I want to know about it so I can see if I really did fuck up, or they just had too high of standards. Every time i've broken up with someone I've always written them a letter and/or had a conversation with them about WHY I am breaking up with them. It's usually vicious and relentless, but it is always honest. I would only want the same in return.
I want them to at least have the basic decency to tell me the truth. I dated my (now ex) best friend for six months and he lied to me about the reasons for the break up, and had been flat-out lying to me for the last month of our relationship, and it's fucked up any chance we have to be friends again.
We broke up four months ago and he doesn't seem to get that I can't be friends with someone who had so little respect for me that he lied to me for a month and never apologised or had a good reason for it. He claimed he "didn't want to hurt me", but he's done that and more by lying.
I would want information. I can handle the truth.
When your ex begins to date someone else.
Worse. Hands down.
Why worry about either one? For that person you may have done all you could or blew it, but for another you might have nothing more to do than be yourself.
I would rather I blew it. If there was nothing more I could do, it'd be completely out of my control and gone for good, whereas, if it was my fault and I knew what it was, I could attempt to apologize and set things right if I wanted to.
@timeformycoffeebreak@xanga - This. I only want to hear the truth. When I'm told that it "just didn't work," I am likely to think he is hiding the real reason and I'll be more upset than if he tells me all the things he didn't like about me. I'll have hurt feelings but I will know things to work on.
If it happened, I'd rather be told where did I go "wrong".
It's important to understand and improve oneself. And in no way is that fully possible by ignoring perspectives and just seeing one. It's much easier to say "I have no regrets, I tried my best". Then to acknowledge self-change---which is always possible.
Although...relationships where communication is very clear has always been important to me. If someone broke up with me, they would tell me very clearly why. That's part of respect. And I do the same.
I would say from my experience that "I blew it" or me and my ex both did. She was my first love and first love usually don't last long but ours lasted for four wonderful years. Every break up is bad but what is worse is tot find out your ex is with someone so fast and that he/she is nowhere near your standards. That downgrade is the worse damn feeling ever! But I've move on and finding myself. I'll admit that single life is lonely when you just want a person just to cuddle or go on dates with, but single life can and will lift up the way you feel about life just as it did for me.
By the way, my ex did not give me a honest or clear answer why she wanted to break up. Now she's checking up on me almost everyday. *sigh, smh.
Do your best to be happy as you possibly can. =]
Most of my relationships ended because we weren't long term compatible. No one was an a-hole or blew it. Relationships are not a test of how great a person we are, we don't get scored at the end like an ice skating performance.
There is no one perfect way to be that insures success in all relationships. A failed relationship does not mean the people failed, it could just be that they are not meant to be.
Personally, even if the guy didn't tell me what I did, I would eventually figure it (or a suitable alternative) out anyway. :P I like to improve so I would prefer to know, but there's a difference between explaining the issue sensitively and having a massive rant about your (ex-)partner's faults.
I would rather know what I did wrong so I could correct if for future relationships sake.
Honestly, this is a really tricky question in & of itself, without asking anyone personally.. It's kind of like, "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?" conundrum. As you have already basically stated [in different words], it really depends on the person & how high or low their self-esteem is.Can they handle being told it was this & this & that, that caused their lover to call it quits? Or is not telling them what went wrong, going to eat away at them & cause even more stress? Also, bringing into questions is this: Is the boyfriend/girlfriend an asshole? Are they ranting at the other person about their faults? Or being sneaky in a dismissive way? "Its not you it's me." There's so much more to this post, then simply asking us personally about which we prefer.
HOWEVER, since that is what the post is asking - I opt for knowing.I would then ask my love, could I have a chance to fix it? If the answer is yes, I will work my best at improving whatever it was. If I still fail or the answer is no, I will take heart in the fact, that this is me. Just like friends, people are not always compatible. If I agree with the faults they found though - I will do my best to work out so in the future I don't have that problem. There is someone out there for everyoneIt's worse to be lied to. I would always prefer to hear the truth. Even if it "just wasn't meant to be," there are probably faults I had in the relationship. I would like to hear them so that I can evaluate myself and try to steer away from repeating the same mistake(s) again. I don't want to have to pull a Rob Fleming/Gordon many years after the break-up and run around to all my ex's, asking them where I went wrong, what I failed at, how I ruined us, etc.
I couldn't believe "there was nothing more [I] could do" without being told what I did wrong in the relationship or what was wrong with me as a person; I would desperately want to know both. It would be fine to hear I "blew it" so long as I got an explanation as to how I blew it.
If there are specific things about me that cause the relationship to fail, I want to know. If they're things I can change, I can work to improve myself. If they're characteristics I can't change, I can call the girl a bitch for not liking me the way I am and move on to finding someone who appreciates me.
I would rather be bitch slapped across the face with the cold, hard truth no matter how brutal. Honesty is always the best policy; if you can't be completely honest, then you don't need to be in a relationship.
it doesnt make any sense to think about it.
as a saying said: gone is gone.
It just wasn't meant to be.
I think it's always better to know why my relationships don't work out. How else am I going to get better at them?