My friend, Rayanne, became really close with a guy, Tom, eventually developing into romantic feelings for him. After months of this going on, Rayanne confessed to Tom her feelings. Since they were good friends, he was very nice about it but turned her down.
Rayanne is obese. For health reasons that she was born with, her metabolism has been failing and no matter how healthy she eats, her body doesn't process food correctly and it becomes fat. When Rayanne asked Tom if her weight had to do with it, if she wasn't overweight, Tom did admit that he wasn't sure and that he probably would have been able to date her was it not for her weight. When Rayanne told me this, I told her how much better she could do and how great and beautiful she was. She thanked me but told me that she really appreciated his honesty and understood his reasons.
I wasn't sure what to think. Rayanne is beautiful and such a great person. But you can't force physical attraction to someone, and Tom wasn't physically attracted to her. Now, Rayanne and Tom are back to friends, both moved past this, and perfectly happy with their lives. Rayanne is even dating someone new! Still, it left me thinking: was Tom's reasoning a legitimate excuse?
Of course, when in a relationship, it's never (or shouldn't be) all about the physical. However, physical attraction is still part of a romantic relationship, what differentiates it from a friendship... right?
Do you think being overweight is a legitimate excuse not to date someone? Is it physical shallowness or just a natural part of physical attraction?
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that depends on how strong you feel about the subject.
People have preferences. It sucks sometimes, especially when you're on the short end of it (I can't tell you how many times I've been turned down for being the race that I am), but it's a fact of life. :/
Physical attraction is one of the most important things in a relationship and it's not a shallow thing. If you don't find someone attractive, do you really think you'd want to be affectionate with them? Some people don't find obesity attractive.
I mean, it's not a good excuse, but at the same time, you can't help who you're attracted to. Personally, in my history, I've overlooked things like that because I saw the real person behind that superficial stuff, and decided that I wanted to give him a chance. Not everyone is like that obviously, but I want to remind people that not everyone is a superficial person either. I think guys have have a harder time with this kind of thing too, though. Men are visual, and on average they want to date girls who they like looking at in every way. I know that isn't how it always is, but maybe this guy didn't think he could get past your friend's obesity. I get that he may not be 100% physically attracted to her, but at the same time, he could be a nicer person and try to get to know the girl underneath. His loss. I hope the guy your friend is dating now is better :)
He was honest. She appreciated it. They moved on. Why haven't you?
As shallow as this is going to sound, yes, I believe it's a valid reason.
Physical attraction is part of the overall package and as much as we all want to love the person inside, you can't ignore the person on the outside either. You can't force yourself to become physically attracted to someone and I feel like it would hurt more to find out that someone finds you unattractive, but they only stayed with you to spare your feelings. Looking past someone's physical appearance because you love the person inside and forcing yourself to go along with their physical appearance so you don't look like an asshole are two very different things. Some people are capable of doing the former and if that's the case, then kudos to you, but a lot of people can't.
My feeling on this guy is that at least he was honest and didn't try to tiptoe around the tulips and bullshit your friend. And major props to her for handling it in a mature manner and not flipping out.
I've been overweight most of my life. There were many guys who turned me down over the years. They never said it was because of my weight, but I think that was the biggest factor. I'm now dating a guy who sees me and thinks I'm beautiful, inside and out, regardless of my size. I think some people are shallow and if one of my old crushes confessed feelings for me after I lost all my weight, I'd turn them down. I'm the same person inside and out. I'll be ugly and old one day. If you can only see my skin, my eyes, and my hair, then you're not able to see the real me underneath it all.
It is not a good reason for me because it is something I feel I can overcome. However, I respect Tom for being honest. It is better he told her the truth, than he try to pretend he didn't feel that way and then end up hurting her even more in the end.
It's a preference, and in many cases, it is indicative of her health and/or her ability to take care of herself. These can have significant impacts down the road, for example on any children they might have together.
Kudos to the guy for being honest instead of stringing her along or using her as an occasional fling, and kudos to the girl for handling it so well.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I agree with this. For me it's attraction, for one, but it's also often how someone takes care of themselves. I want someone who eats well and likes to exercise (with me, too!) And I wouldn't date well with someone who couldn't keep up with me.
@Shadowrunner81@xanga - i'm curious on the subject! i'm not brooding or bitter about it. i'm sorry i am curious about what other people think about it? haha
I find it funny that most of the people in the comments ignored that she does have a medical issue, and no matter healthy she eats she'll always be overweight. The dude is an asshole and she'll find better.
If you do not want to date someone that is overweight then it is your preference and you should not feel guilty about it in the slightest.
Let me put it this way.
Say she was Gorgeous slim, the whole "package".
They fell in love...married...and then she had a HORRIBLE accident that disfigured her...or simply made her gain weight. How many of you applauding this moron's honesty would consider that a legitimate reason to divorce her? Surely the same logic would apply? If he finds her unattractive that's good enough to pitch her, right?
He IS SHALLOW. He will not improve. She may be better off without him, but that doesn't change the fact that he is a douche.
This is like arguing nature vs. nurture; physical attraction AND chemistry (the internal emotional touchy feeling stuff) need to exist.
@tokyoexpressman@xanga - So you think if your partner becomes less attractive at a later date, say due to an accident, you can just drop them because it's "honest". I assume you expect the same treatment?
The real problem is that people sometimes just judge overweight people, and conclude that it has something to do with their personality (fat people are lazy and care about nothing) even when it isn't true.
Tom doesn't sound like an asshole to me.
But shallowness is an interesting thing...I think actually people can look beyond more than they admit. Sometimes social factors play a role.
@heythereJOANN@xanga - Really? Funny thing...I know some drop dead gorgeous women who have husband's who cheat...with women WAY less attractive on most people's scales. I've asked a few why...and the most common answer?
"Because she makes me FEEL good about myself"...and it's not their wives they are talking about. Initial attraction is one thing...but the MOST IMPORTANT? not by a long shot.
There is also the assumption that the only reason you are not dating friends is because of physical attraction. I've had male friends who were drop dead gorgeous...but no chemistry...for me. Some seriously attravtive men had put the moves on me...but no electricity. I've known others who were down right GOOFY looking...but strangely endearing, which MADE them attractive. There is so much more to it than an arrangement of features...particularly long term.
@galadrial@xanga - i didn't say it was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. I said it was ONE of the most important things. Please read my comment correctly before you decide to try and prove me wrong.
@galadrial@xanga - You're comparing a friendship/budding romance situation to a long-term romantic situation that has multiple emotional and possibly financial ramifications, not to mention the trauma that would accompany a major accident. While not quite "apples and oranges" to me, I don't see them through the same perspective.
I don't really consider turning someone down based on looks before you've even started really dating to be the same as leaving your wife because she got fat or was disfigured in an accident. This is not a uniform standard that fits every situation, although I will admit that my post didn't really make much of a distinction between the two.
My point in taking Tom's side was that I don't think it's wrong to have physical preferences when it comes to dating and that if you don't feel like dropping them, that's your business and you have to live with the consequences/outcomes. It's definitely shitty for the OP's friend, but IMO it's better that he at least told her how he felt instead of trying to cover his own ass.
You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. Like I'm not attracted to guys with bad teeth. That's something that can be changed like weight, but if they have yellow teeth or missing teeth or their teeth are all crooked then I can't do it. You have to be physically attracted to someone to want to work on it. There's always the chance you like someone who is really gorgeous and something happens later in life that makes them gain weight or whatever, but that's something that you work at when the time comes. Not wanting to be with someone because they're overweight doesn't make a person shallow. They might be missing out on a really great person, but that doesn't make them shallow.
Everyone has different "deal breakers".... I do think this is slightly shallow, but if you are not attracted to someone, you aren't attracted to them.
I've never not dated someone because of their body... When my boyfriend tells me he needs to lose weight, I tell him "do it for yourself, not me".... He's handsome either way :)
Yes, it is a valid reason. They both handled the situation amazingly though. Major props to them.
You can't force yourself to be attracted to a person. You either are or you aren't. His reasoning might be on the shallow side, but you also have to take her health issues into consideration. He may not be prepared for what may happen to her later on. It's best that she finds someone who can take her exactly as she is, for better and for worse.