Wednesday, 28 March 2012
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How Can I Get Over My Boyfriend's Excessive Baggage?
Let me start by giving a brief introduction to my predicament. I have been dating this man for about 2 years now. Let's call him Matt. He is the ideal person I am looking for in just about every way. When it comes to him alone, I am content. And for me, that is saying A LOT!
However, with him comes all his baggage; an ex-wife, a teenage daughter, and an ex-girlfriend who also happens to be his sister in law. It's a complete mess. I have come to terms with the whole wife and kids drama. The ex-wife has kept her distance and completely respects our relationship. That isn't my problem anymore.
At the beginning of our relationship we agreed that we would have no contact with our exes or anyone we slept with. But now, the ex-girlfriend is in the picture for good, because she is now the sister of my boyfriend Matt's brother's new wife. If that isn't confusing enough, Matt was now given the opportunity to be the godfather of this ex-girlfriend's cousin's baby. Everyone is one big grand ole family here, and I can't stand it!
On the other hand, I can't possibly tell him to turn down being the godfather. It sounds a bit selfish. I know there isn't anything he can do about it, because his ex-girlfriend is now his sister in law, and the ex-girlfriend's cousin is now his family. But heck, we're getting married in a year. Shouldn't I have a say in anything? I don't want to leave the relationship because of them, because aside from them I have no issues with him at all.
My question to you guys is, how do I possibly get past this excessive baggage? Is it up to me to just 'get over it'?
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- From: melllisa@xanga
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Comments (41)
What the--that's quite a predicament you've got there. How you've even hung in for 2 years, I'll never know.
It's illogical to think that he can just cut all contact with the future sister in law. that's something you yourself need to get over as well as, sit him down, communicate your feelings about it. Show him that it does matter.
I would hope you're handling this as a mature adult rather than "YOU NEED TO CUT ALL YOUR EXS OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I SAID SO.That will never work
You are being ridiculous. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? If he has then why are you with him? If he hasn't let it go. She is his ex. If they wanted to be with each other, they'd still be together.
holy shit that's a lot of baggage.
All I could think of when I read this post was ew to the brothers doing the same people? sloppy seconds eugh.
that is alot of baggage but i dont see any reasons he's given you for you NOT to trust him. A relationship can only fall apart due to internal factors (ie u and him) not external factors(his ex gf, god child, ex wife). I get that you might be a little insecure...but he hasnt given u any reason to be..
if you can't stand his ex, then whenever he invites you to hang out with her there, then say that you have suddenly got a horrible case of stomach flu and can't possibly go there, so you guys just have a good time without you
if you've used that excuse one time, then next time, say that you have an emergency project that you have to do for work and don't have time to hang out. don't let her know that you hate her guts but just say that you'd love to hang out but you're too busy
sometimes there are people that will disgust you with the mere sight of them, such as my bitchy coworkers, but just deal with it and avert your thoughts elsewhere when you're around them(I day dream about my handsome boss
) when they talk, just zone them out*blahblahblahstfu
*
those indiana jones vintage suitcases are cool.
first thing is if you can't get past his past then maybe it's time for you to call it quits with your relationship. jealousy is going to make the relationship worse.
You know what you do when you marry someone? You marry their entire family.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - I do agree with the fact that I don't own him, but we are soon to be married. I'm thinking of my future with him; an ex wife, teenage daughter, ex girlfriend, and an ex girlfriend's cousin and her baby coming in and through our lives. As a spouse, I fail to see how that wouldn't affect me. He has nothing to get over. It isn't about him having feelings for anyone; its about the baggage he comes with and these people being apart of our future life.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - It isn't about trust. I completely trust him, and has never worried about him having feelings for any of the exes. It's about worrying how to accept his baggage of an ex wife, daughter, ex girlfriend as his sister in law, and ex girlfriend's cousin and her newborn baby. I'm seeking advice on what to do with all of it. These people will be in his life as well as mine in the future. Always coming in and out.
@melllisa@xanga - I don't understand what the problem is. Are all these people super annoying and horrible? I agree with crashedthedr3am, when you marry someone, you marry their family. You learn to deal with them. If you get involved with someone was divorced and had children, it goes without saying that the children and the ex-wife are going to be a part of your life. The only thing you can do is be yourself and relate to them the best way you can.
i'm confused. so if you totally trust him (which is good), and if he has no emotional issues with these people, what's the problem?
@melllisa@xanga - Accept them the way you would his mom, dad, brother, sister, great-aunt-mildred-who-smells-like-fish-all-the-time, best-friend-from-elementary-school, etc. Accept it the way you would that coworker you can't stand but have to tolerate every day anyway; basically, no, you don't always get a say in who is in your life. We all have our stories and our people; some relationships are more multifaceted than others, and if you accept the person, you accept their network.
You have three choices now. You can break it off and find someone without a complicated history; you'll never find someone with no history ('baggage'), so it's iffy whether this would actually help your situation in the end. You can tell yourself you'll get over it and move forward, but secretly resent him having these people in his life. Or, you can admit it's a bit silly to tell each other who you can and can't have in your life and truly move forward with the people that matter to you, whether they be friends, exes, crushes, smelly family members, etc.
As of now you haven't really given any excuse for him to not be allowed to keep his ex-girlfriend in his life. The last guy I dated knew I was friends with one of my ex's, but he also knew the extent of our relationship, how often I talked to him, the nature of our friendship, and how close I was with him. What was great was that the combination of my openness about the frienship and my boyfriend's trust in me made it easy to keep things peaceful.
His ex-girlfriend is his family now. If you're not okay with her being in his life forever, you need to end this relationship. I understand it's not easy but when you marry someone, you marry their family too. If he wants to be godfather to this baby, that's a great thing to be and you have no right to stomp your feet and say no just because the baby is in some way related to his ex-girlfriend. Either get over their past and accept that she's here to stay, or leave him and move on to someone with less "baggage".
your assertion that you have no underlying issues going on, but your big hangup with his "baggage" contradict each other. I would hope you would dig deeper into what possible underlying issues are there, because if there truly weren't any, I think you would have been over his "baggage" a long time ago.
I get your concern over the baggage too, as I've had to deal with a lot in my relationship, but I don't pretend that we don't have underlying problems.
If you cant get over it then get out. My husband's cousin is getting married to a woman he dated for a year in a month. He also has 5 year old twins from his previous relationship. The woman he is marrying has A HUGE issue with his ex and extreme jealousy that he had kids and TWINS with another woman, so point is he hasn't seen his kids in a year and probably will not anymore. Sure the guy is an idiot for giving up his kids, but I can't understand what type of woman would want to start building her happiness on top of children's misery!??? You can't take your guy away from his daughter that is just wrong. And his ex is an ex for a reason, he is not going to be the godfather to her child so relax. PLus you don't have to see them EVERYDAY just family events, and I think you can suck that up. I really dislike my husband's cousins girlfriend not just for the reason's mentioned, but she shallow, bitchy, low mannered and ignorant. I try to limit seeing her only during family events and then I plaster my fake smile, say a few things, and try to not talk to her much. This happens maybe 10 times a year of 365 days. I'm sure you can handle it. =)
do you think her intent to make him her godfather is to get closer to your fiance?
why would a guy want to marry such an insecure sour bitch like you?
@QuantumStorm@xanga - can you actually give an honest answer without being judgemental or sound immature? . hah
@LeeKymKween@xanga - thank you. That was really helpful and necessary advice.
ok hold on im totally confused.
His ex is going to be his SIL and he has been asked to be the godfather of her cousin's baby?
First of all, being asked to be a godparent is a big honor. If something happens to that baby's parents he will get custody of that child.. is that something you are willing to accept?
Secondly, you have the ring. He chose you. So what if she is his ex? Now if she was totally psychotic and tried to break you two up and all of that, I could see how there could be an issue.. but it doesn't sound like there is any of that to worry about. How do you know that these women won't end up being your friends in the future?
So you have 2 choices. You can accept this. Accept his ex's in your life, be the bigger woman and not let it bother you...
Or, you can throw it all away because of a couple of ex's..
Wow Wow Wow
I have to say that I can completely and utterly understand your situation 100% because I, too dealt with this and I assure you, it can be dealt with perfectly.
Exes are Exes for a reason. So, if your man is worthy enough as he should be if your talking about marriage, the issue of an ex is by no means a threat at all.
Now, my story - My husband's ex girlfriend is HIS brother's wife's sister (sound familar yet?). They were pretty hot and heave about 6 monthe before him and I got together (started dating). They lived together, they loved eachother. This was my husband's first REAL girlfriend. He was a *cough* *COUGH* ... player... in his younger days.
Anyways, so needless to say their relationship ended and she has now become his, well, wtheck is she? Sister in law? Sister in law my marriage? Who in the hell knows. All I know is I have to see this woman at our nieces and nephews Birthday parties, at Christmases and any family function my husband's brother and his wife have. At first, extremely awkward. Everytime I would see her I would instantly envision the fact that MY HUSABAND and this WOMAN had SEX and were in love at one point. OMG, terrible.
Now though, 5 years later. We are very good friends. Definitely not hang out every weekend, buddy buddy friends but we talk at functions and we smile.
Its gonna suck for a while but if you just accept it, maybe become friends, talk... everything will be perfectly fine
I promise!
Anyone saying negative comments about you truly know shit and it would be best to ignore such douchbaggery.
Things like this are way too complicated for random people on the net to say 2 words and make it all better.
It's a matter of evaluating everything, where you see yourself in x time, and what are you willing to sacrifice and not. There comes a time when you say "fusk these petty feelings", but there's also times that things can go against your morale.
It's honestly up to you to find out what that balance is, and above all...COMMUNICATE with him.
Baggage is difficult. But if we start saying "this is more and harder baggage to deal with" then we're setting ourselves up for failure. If you want to move over it, change your way of thinking. If something is preventing you...gotta deal with those issues first.