Wednesday, 28 March 2012
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I Want Out of My Relationship and I Don't Know Why
This post was submitted anonymously.
I live with my boyfriend. He's a good, kind man and he's successful. He is also supportive of me. We have a happy relationship, and it is relatively easy going. Yet recently I find myself wanting out.
I don't know why or what's causing it, but I feel like I need to be on my own. I feel like I need to grow and figure out who I am. I'm 21 and I've been with the same man since I was 16 years old. I think we could have a wonderful life together. There is nothing particularly wrong with us, we have a perfectly functional relationship, so I don't understand why I feel I need to leave. I think I keep searching for the reason why it's not enough anymore but truth be told I just don't know.
I feel like I'd be taking a huge risk leaving and I know I would be hurt. I do care greatly about him. I think I'm about to leave him, but I don't know why because there's nothing obviously wrong with us. He loves me, so why on earth am I so confused?
Is there anyone else who has been in the same situation?
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Comments (50)
You grew out of love.
It sounds like you maybe need to change things up a little. It doesn't necessarily have to come with a different person, but it has been 5 years with the same guy. That's a long time for someone your age(well heck, someone my age!). In any case, just be willing to share how you feel with him and maybe the two of you together can work something out that'll make you both happy. If what you need is a break, then that may come to pass.
Good Luck.
Go on a romantic vacation together to rekindle things a bit, if after that you still feel the need to leave, TELL HIM, you can always try talking it out before you make any rash decisions you might regret
I think you are confused but I also think you're going to regret greatly to lose him. Best of lucks!
Everything is great but maybe the sex isn't cutting it for you
You don't have to leave him. You're making your life about the relationship. The relationship is your life.
You just need to get out a little bit. Have you tried picking up hobbies, reading, starting projects? Being with someone who makes you happy doesn't necessarily stop you from growing. You stop you from growing. If you feel the relationship is holding you back from accomplishing much more, though, then that's the other hand.
I think you're just bored. Try coming up with hobbies to do on your own, take a class ectect. I think you'll regret losing him.
Maybe the need to experience other people, curiosity since you're bored.
If your intuition says you want out, why are you arguing with yourself on why you should stay? You aren't married. You don't have children. You are 21.
Maybe this is unpopular for me to say, but I believe if you are having these feelings now? Imagine having them again down then line when you do have those things, a marriage, children, a mortgage...you're stuck and you'll resent it.
You say you feel like you need to grow. Reading between the lines, I guess that means you feel your growth is stunted by your relationship. I see no reason to stay together, except that breaking up is always hard to do.
Just do your best with the break up. Be honest. Be straight. Be firm. And do it face to face. It shows respect to him to do that.
And then drive away somewhere you need to be. Maybe have someone expecting you somewhere else so you don't stay and discuss ad infinitum "why?"
Oh geez, another woman in a great relationship who wants out.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - "Maybe have someone expecting you somewhere else so you don't stay and discuss ad infinitum "why?" "
."
Right... I would really rather people have reasons for their actions... and good ones. You know, so they don't just break up every time they're pissed off or upset.
Potential suitor: "Why did you break up with your ex?"
Her: "Absolutely no reason whatsoever. I just didn't feel like being with him, so now I'm fucking you instead."
Potential suitor: "Okay... that's not fucking psycho of you at all
@Kazydai@mancouch - She is only 21. Why is she supposed to commit when she has doubts?
@T3hZ10n@xanga - I didn't say give no explanation. I said tell him the truth. You can say "because I need the room to grow and right now I don't feel like i have the freedom to fully realize that potential. I need to have time to be independent and know what it's like to just be *me*." I don't see why that's wrong. And I don't, as a 31 year old woman, see how it's even psycho to just say "I wasn't feeling it anymore."
Sometimes, we need to go with our gut. That's called having emotional integrity.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - All good points and very well said.
As humans, we inherently want more than what we have. Trust me, you already have one of the best relationships out there. It's just this human nature telling you to leave him.
This nature usually leads to "what if's" and can possibly turn into infidelity or break-up. One way or another, you should suck it up because you'll regret it one day if you do leave him. Even if you do live a "live life to the fullest motto," sometimes, people just ought to know the value of this human desire vs what they already have. I'm pretty sure, you also see that this type of guy is almost close to priceless (judging from the 5 years of smooth-sailing relationship).
First off, you need to commit yourself to this relationship and have the will to push it through if you want to keep this relationship. Otherwise, any and every effort that you do will be a waste.
Second, try to spice up your relationship. I'm pretty sure you're getting bored the hell out of it for having a "too convenient" relationship.
Third, talk it out that you're feeling this with him and make sure you do mention that you're willing to work it out.
Like what I said, guys like him are hard to find. Don't try exchanging something that you love and that's almost perfect just because you're bored of it. If you do leave him, I wouldn't think he deserves you anyways.
as you age, things change and your priorities will change. if you want out, then get out.
maybe be in a relationship, but don't live together. living together can be great and can save time driving to see each other but to me, it may feel suffocating because I like my own space and although I like the guy, sometimes it can be annoying to see him all the time if we live together. I don't even live with my s.o. and he still manages to annoy me sometimes and vice versa. I need some space and time to miss each other. as much as I'd like to be with my guy all day, I think I like the longing feeling of missing him and looking forward to see him again. then we see each other and can't get enough of each other, but later, we go back to our own homes and lives and take slight time apart, but we're still committed to one another, and then we miss each other again. so maybe spice things up if it seems routine and bland, but if you're happy as is, and still want out, then your choice.
I'm so surprised by the responses that tell the OP to stay with a bf she's had since she was 16. Don't you think it's possible that people grow between the ages of 16 and 21? I even venture to say that they should change and grow! History with someone does not equal relationship potential in the future. Particularly if a good deal of that relationship was when you were basically a kid.
How do you, @zero_x4ever@xanga - know that she has "one of the best relationships out there." All you know is that the relationship has been without much drama and generally supportive. She says they are "functional." That doesn't mean they are good for each other. Good relationships help each other grow. You grow together, you grow as individuals. You compliment each other. If the relationship with him makes her feel like she can't grow to her potential, why on earth is that something she should keep investing her time in?
I am 31 and married. I have been married for 6 years. That is my relationship experience. What's yours?
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - that's good advice if you aren't ready to totally break it off.
Similar situation just happened with me and my ex. She was very honest with me about needing to find herself and we are still good friends. It's been a rough couple of months for both of us, but we also recognized that if she didn't do it and figure herself out then she was never going to be over the idea that she never got to really grow up on her own. I'm a couple years older, I had already gone through some of the types of "on your own" things that help you figure yourself out. Hopefully he can be understanding and recognize this is just something that has to happen.
This might be my bias and hope, but I would say this doesn't necessarily mean you'll never have a wonderful life with him in the future. You might get on your own and find that even though you've changed, he's still the kind of man you want to be with. Maybe he won't be, but don't think that you have to go for something different just for the sake of being different.
i have been in that situation....i'm 21 been with the same guy since i was 15. there was a point when i was bored and wanted to see if i was missing out. truth is, i wasn't. maybe you should see if you're missing out.
Totally normal to feel that way, similar situation, been with my ex since I was 15, broke it off with him when I was 22. It's just a really long time to be with someone, and he was my first for a lot of things. I never really got the chance to "explore" and things got too comfortable, too routine and too boring. You start to think about "what ifs". But that's not to say that my ex isn't a great person and sometimes I do still miss him but I think now I'm more independent and I've grown more. The future is still uncertain, but then again it always is.
Anyway, a lot of good advice already here, just first talk it out with him about how you're feeling. It is a relationship and there's two people in it. Don't just spring it on him that you want to break up because it's something that can be fixed if you both work on it. Like others have said, do something new, go somewhere together, hang out with other people/groups, anything to spice things up. If it doesn't work out and you still feel like you need to leave, then you can't say you didn't try.
@yuckduck@xanga - just wondering, but how is your relationship with him now?
Yeah..you're not really telling us much. But I would suggest waiting at least 3 weeks, a month to see if these feelings persist. Don't be hasty. And think seriously about what you would lose and what you would possibly gain.
I think you just answered your own question: "I don't know why or what's causing it, but I feel like I need to be on my own. I feel like I need to grow and figure out who I am." That's your reason.
you're just bored because it's been 5 years. I don't really blame you though. Do something to "rekindle the fire" that will bring you back to the "honeymoon phase". Do something crazy and fun :) Good luck to you two