Sunday, 25 March 2012
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All I Wanted Was a Gay Best Friend
So I may or may not have accidentally hooked up with a gay man last night. I am trying to ignore the clues and hoping that it isn’t true, but today’s pounding hangover tells me there is a 60% chance that my fears are reality.The evening began with not one, but four Irish car bombs. This likely contributed to whatever disgusting events transpired later. After some more drinks, I distinctly remember meeting this fellow at the bar. And since my drunk self does not pick up on social cues or understand the definition of appropriate bar conversation, I inquired about his sexuality.
He looked, talked, and acted gay. I have been in the market for a solid gay best friend for a while now, so I was very excited to meet him. When he claimed to be attracted to women, I actually made a pouty face.
I do not recall making the decision to leave the bar, but I had been out since 4PM and was ready to go home. Being the nice homosexual in denial that he was, this guy decided to walk me home. I was in no way attracted to him and actually started getting annoyed – probably because he crushed all of my gay BFF dreams. We were supposed to go shopping together.
I have no idea what happened between arriving home and waking up this morning, but I know that I opened my eyes to a strange man on the other side of my bed. I can only assume that he invited himself in since no amount of inebriation would induce me to jump him voluntarily.
Now, he claims that he likes women, but evidence suggests otherwise. My primary clue is that I woke up with my shirt still on. Now, I’m not saying that breasts are the only thing I have going for me – I like to think my fashion sense and brutal honesty play a part in luring men in, too. However, my boobs have got to be the highlight of a one-night engagement. If a man tries to get with me and ignores the boobs, it must be because he actually wants another penis. It’s the only logical conclusion.
He left early this morning, which was ideal because I had no clue how to get him the fuck out of my apartment. However, before leaving, he decided he wanted to kiss me.
This is disturbing for many reasons. First, it suggests that we were kissing last night which makes me nauseous. Second, it ranks as literally the worst kiss of my life. Perhaps because he only has chemistry with other men. I literally pushed him away, mumbling that it was too early in the morning for this shit. You can tell I am a superb hostess.
So the moral of this story is: drunk me is a stupid bitch who needs to stop ruining my life and letting strange men into my apartment. I’m still cleaning up her mess. I haven’t even had chance to take inventory of my nail polish yet, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he snagged a couple. I just hope he left all the pinks, I’m pretty attached to them.
Ever been in a similar situation?
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Comments (79)
How does one go about being in the market for a gay best friend? o_O. I don't know why Datingish even lets these get posted.
What the fuck am I reading!? This is like the Twilight of all Datingish posts. Jeez!
Did any of you commenting actually click the link and read her blog? Every post is dripping with a wonderful combination of sarcasm and exaggeration; her blog is actually extremely funny. I kind of think the bolded lines really messed with the author's voice and made this seem like a much more serious post than it was intended to be- thus the painful flashbacks of Jenn's vomit-inducing posts we're getting. I thought this was the most stupid piece of writing I've ever read, too, until I absentmindedly clicked the source link and started reading her other posts.
@SentimentalDoll@xanga - It is sad, but you are lucky to know it! You are one of the few! Make us (all mature women) proud! :D
@guest - It takes a skilled writer to show intent of sarcasm and exaggeration. If this were satire, we could all laugh at ourselves for not getting it... but then, it doesn't appear to have been satire. And if it was satire, somebody better go check on poor Jonathan Swift's grave!
I DO wish people would figure out what "gay" means...particularly where men are concerned.
Gay Men are not UNABLE to have sex with women...they just prefer sex with men.
I've had gay male friends that i treasured...but they were friend first. The "gay" part was incidental. They knew I was not a Fag Hag (women who like sex with Gay Men) and I knew they were not Bi-sexual, with something to prove. The idea of "shopping" for a gay male friend is bizarre, to say the least.
LOL... what the fuck did I just read?
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I've actually got a deeply offensive satire I've been working on that I hope will explode. I've even done research for it and everything -fingers crossed-
To all you drama queens: you are secretly glad such a post exists, because it gives you an excuse to drop comments as mean as you want to, and to act like you were holy.
As for the post, I don't think she should be bashed for being a drunken slut we know where this gets us. women are ALL sluts.
The problem is assuming a man is gay because he "acts gay."
Well not exactly but I had a boyfriend once, who I was kinda sure was gay.. And he came out of the closet 6 months later... But it kinda should have been a clue when, at 15, all we did was hold hands..
Wow there's a lot of hate on this post! So funny that a lot of people acts holy and say they know about respect, and then go bashing some poor girl.. She admits to being stupid when she drinks, so fucking what?! There's a lot of high horses out there apparently
Don't blame the alcohol for your stupidity. Alcohol doesn't make you stupid. Being stupid makes you stupid.
I lol'd pretty hard. haha
@Im_Amelia@xanga - I don't think anyone is "hating" on her because she acts stupid while she's drunk.
It is because she is using the fact that she's drunk as an excuse to justify her actions when it's not a valid excuse at all. And also because she is blatantly disrespecting gay people. She was "in the market" for a gay BFF? Clearly she views gay men as just an accessory for her own needs.
I don't give two shits if this was written for satire or not. The fact that she wrote something like this makes me believe she is a huge bitch both drunk and sober. The writer made me want to gouge my eyes out and cry bloody tears for humanity. My shit could write better garbage than what I just read. My shit is also probably a more decent person than the OP.
maybe you should stop getting drunk in bars and going home with random men. just sayin...
and i have a BFF who is gay, and I adore him. Ive known him for 18 years. He is not one of those flamboyantly gay men, heck ive had other women ask me if he was available.
This must be from that person that nobody likes.
But what bothers me most is: YOU FUCKING USED LITERALLY INCORRECTLY. STOOOOP.
I find this so funny the varying comments from this post on her site, to the datingish one. Apparently datingish & Her site are in 2 completely different Universes
Who actually submitted this & thought this would be a post that any Xangans would want to sit through and read, and that would enjoy a post like this? There's No chance in hell..
Oh my goodness, I really nearly screamed JENN!!! When I read this. How self obsessed are you?! Not only are you selfish, you're also rude and obnoxious.
:(
Soooo, was this post for real? Like, seriously? Using gay men as accessories, judging guys based on appearance/manner of speech, letting in strange men while severely intoxicated, the subtle vibes of homophobia - you won't get AIDS or any kind of VD from kissing a gay man nor are they interested in swiping your cheap nail polish, so chill the fuck out. If you were trying to be funny...it didn't work. You just come across as an irresponsible, shallow, drunk mess.
1. Not all gay men are alike. To group them together and say "I want a gay best friend...they can go shopping with me" is selfish and immature.
2. You think he's gay. He said he wasn't gay. Respect his answer. End of story.
3. I'm not sure why you would even think this is logical in the first place --> "If a man tries to get with me and ignores the boobs, it must be because he actually wants another penis. It’s the only logical conclusion."
Pretty angry post for someone who lead some guy on and jumped in the sack with him as if it was his fault. Yeah... drink less and don't assume so much about people?
If this is a trolling attempt like some people are claiming, it is an insanely poor one. I fucking love a good sarcastic post, but this just comes off as offensive, not edgy.