Friday, 23 March 2012
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Why Can't We Trust Our Significant Others?
Is it wrong for me to think people can be faithful? Why can’t a girl have a friend that is a guy, or why can’t a guy have a friend that is a girl? Is it really that hard to do?
When I think about this I realize that people do cheat. I know that I been there before with guys, but the one thing I learned from that wasn’t the best way to spy on your boyfriend, but to truly be with someone who you know isn’t going to cheat on you. I trust my boyfriend. I really do, and if I ever thought he was cheating then I would do something about it. I wouldn’t be thinking every day that he is cheating unless something happened that made me believe otherwise.
For instance today I wanted to go out with a male friend of mine to see his new car that he won on the lottery. My boyfriend was not comfortable with this, and I can see why he would be like that, but I also feel like this other guy is just showing me a car. My boyfriend shouldn’t see the red flags that fast and if he doesn’t trust me enough to do that it makes me wonder how he truly feels about me. Like if the situation was reversed I honesty would be okay with that because I trust him. I know if something happened I trust him to be able to handle it on his own.
There are definitely things that are not okay to do in my book with a friend of the opposite sex. Things like going to a dinner alone together, going to a bar together, or a movie; things like that are red flags. But a simple meeting in the middle of the day for coffee or something is innocent. To me if you can’t trust someone to do things like that then I don’t understand why you're with them.
Why are we prone to not trusting our significant others? Have you ever experienced a lack of trust in your relationship?
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About the Author
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- From: bamxocandy@xanga
- Name: Candice
- About Me: simply put...im Candice or Candy for short. I'm a full time college student, and just like every other 19 year old trying to find my place in the world. I got a pretty good head on my shoulders and my mind races through like 3848378 different things a minute. I like the simpler things in life: walks on the beach, movies nights snuggled up on the couch, books, and just embracing life while i can. I'm a sucker for sweet talkers and I always say things before I think. I dont expect anyone to be perfect because I know i'm far from it :)
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Comments (33)
And what does that accomplish?
Males have a role to fulfill, and so do females. Their interaction should not be casual (unless your male friend is gay). It doesn't matter if neither of you consciously recognize a "reason" for hanging out, your partner is the only person of the opposite sex you should want to be around.
Just as hanging out with the other guy isn't necessarily "cheating", banging one's head against a wall almost certainly isn't an attempt to commit suicide... both are out of a need for attention and even if the person doesn't realize it, can be considered a form of masturbation.
We're socialized to be suspect. We're given messages growing up that certain behaviors mean certain things. Some people have lower self-esteem than others and those messages make a home in these people and, as one potential cause, promote jealousy. Trust is so important.
"Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
http://youtu.be/ohFZjmr5RfU
I'm bringin' Eden back.
We? I wouldn't be with someone that I didn't trust, nor would I be with someone that didn't trust me.
You can't? That's not good
lol dinner alone is not okay? going out to a bar isn't okay? and yet you say you trust your boyfriend. every guy you date is going to have had friends before you, sweetheart.
i think it's weird that you don't trust your man to get dinner with a female friend. no wonder he doesn't trust you to go see the car your friend won. it takes two to establish healthy trust- it doesn't look like either of you are up to the part.
I had trust issues for awhile because I was aware of how much people fuck up whether they like to or not. Then I realized how illogical it was to mistrust people based on the fact that shit happens and sometimes they will betray you and hurt you but it's fucking life and you have to be the one to decide whether you can bite the bullet with that person . It's why I don't understand why people get married solely based on the fact that they love the other person or the person "treats them right". It's just not enough in reality to keep up a committed relationship. You have to find the person whom you don't trust 100% with literally everything and you have to accept and understand their mistakes and where you will cross the line with that person. I found a person who loves me but I also trust him 80-90% of the time and the rest of the percentage is a reality that I've accepted and I know Ill be able to deal with when or if it ever comes.
I understand where you're coming from, but what if your boyfriend is not mistrusting of you, but rather of the other guy? I get this sometimes with my boyfriend. I have a friend who invited me to dinner and generally kept acting like he liked me. My boyfriend wasn't comfortable with him, but trusted me so he never made a big deal out of it. But I do know he doesn't like the guy, and would rather that I don't see him at all. Since then I've made considerably less effort to be around this guy, also because he hasn't been respecting my relationship with my boyfriend. The point is, my boyfriend trusts me and knows nothing will happen. But he doesn't want me to hang out with this guy because he doesn't trust the guy to not do something stupid and disrespectful. Could that maybe be the case with your boyfriend?
You clearly don't trust him if dinner and a movie with a friend isn't allowed. So why are you with him?
lack of trust killed my last relationship. or rather, my lack of ability to let my ex gain his trust back. I never knew it before him, but trust is such a fragile thing. it sounds cliche, but it's so true...
I think it's interesting that dinner and a movie would be ok with you, but not coffee. It makes me wonder if your typical dates consist of one but not the other. I don't go to dates at the movies, but I do with coffee. If your boyfriend conceptualized the showing of a car to a girl as courting behavior, just as you do with dinner/movies, then there really is no difference in your level of trust for one another. It all depends on what you conceptualize as being part of potential courting practices.
I have trust issues in general, but that isn't exclusive to significant others. I put nothing past anyone. I think it's easy to say the whole "If you don't trust them you shouldn't be with them" scenario, and to an extent I believe it, however I do believe that you as an individual should realize why you don't trust them before you decide on ending the relationship. If you don't trust them and they haven't done anything to really warrant the mistrust, that's an issue within yourself that you need to fix. If they have done something to break your trust, is the relationship worth trying to work through the mistrust and rebuild it? If they are continuing to break your trust, that person has no respect for you or your feelings and that's an issue within themselves that needs to be resolved. Lack of trust in a relationship where you two stay together simply out of comfort or familiarity is the most draining and emotionally/mentally unhealthy situation to put yourself in if the trust issues don't become resolved some way or another.
Like I said, I have trust issues in general because of the things I have been through in life. We are also influenced by stories that we hear from others, and struggles we see others go through. We shouldn't punish those who are currently in our lives for the mistakes of those in our past, however letting go and "forgiving and forgetting" is easier said than done. I have even known people with such severe trust issues that were negatively effecting all of their relationships that they sought professional counseling.
Why can't he go to dinner or a movie with a female friend? I wouldn't trust someone who didn't let me do those things either...just saying.
@GagaMonster - well he did say that h didnt want me to go because he didnt know this guy so maybe?
@lyrra_askavi@xanga - to you and everyone that mentioned about the "not being ok to go to a movie" it seems weird to say that but my boyfriend doesn't have a friend that is a girl that he would take to go see a movie, he just isnt that type of person to go out to dinner with a girl it hard to explain, like he has friends that are girls but i know he would never do those things, I have to DRAG him to go out with me because he is really shy and hes more of a him cook mme dinner at home kind of person so when i said that i meant that if he barely does it with me....and he went out with another girl to do it it would definately be a red flag.
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I think it's about balance, if you don't want him going to movies with other girls then he shouldn't want you going to movies with other guys, etc. But if you're not on the same page then it's harder to see each others sides. I kind of care a lot about who my boyfriends hang out with, but I've never had a boyfriend that even pretended to care if I hung out with multiple guys, alone or not...it made me feel like they just didn't love me. You have kinda the same views I do...people there who are like why isn't it okay for him to go to the movies or dinner with a female friend, well each case is different and in your circumstance you said it would be odd because he doesn't go out much. I just hate when people jump to conclusions. And like other people said, he may trust you just not the other guy, that happens a lot with me too obviously the other way around. I wouldn't worry about it too much, just talk it out and see if you can explain to him that its okay and everything. Honestly I would love to have a boyfriend that cares a spec about what I do..
I think we as humans are always going to have moments that worry us deep down, whether we voice them or not. I just think we need to learn to understand that relationships are work. You can't have a great relationship without putting some effort in. If trust is lost, you try to gain it back. You work on trust issues and talk through it. You can't just give up on somebody every single time they do something you don't like, because every person in the world is going to do something you don't like at some point or another.
If you're willing to be with someone, you may as well trust them. If you don't trust them, what is your relationship built on? Take the time getting to know someone before you let them into your life...or your pants.
I didn't trust my husband because he has a history of cheating and lying. Turns out I was right not to trust him, he ended up cheating and hiding more things.
he won a new car in the lottery?? how cool is that????
Probably because of the fact that in our society, people have accepted it as common place. There is typically reason to not trust others. They have been taught by this society that it's normal, even common place, for people to cheat on the people they're with. It's not okay at all in my books, but I can understand why people lack confidence in their significant others.
For your situation, have you talked openly, politely with him about this. Get his perspective. Ask him why he feels the way he does. Be open to hearing it. And just listen. :) You know? Maybe that will help him to trust you more. Open communication usually does. :)
*hugs*,~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
I think guys and girls should be able to be friends.
I think everyone can surpress their hormones for long enough