When I was sixteen I cheated on my first boyfriend. We were five-hundred miles away from each other because I was spending the summer in a different city. I came clean to him and he was devastated, but we continued to date for another two and a half years. I wish I could say that the rest of the time we were together it didn't happen again. But it did. And always when I was hundreds of miles away.
I rationalized that I was young and stupid.
I thought that I knew in my heart that there was one person for me. I thought that was what I wanted; after all, I had always been a relationship girl. Even after my boyfriend and I broke up I had a string of relationships instead of a string of hook-ups. That is until my last break-up nearly a year ago.
And now I find the idea of monogamy to be less and less appealing. It feels unnatural to me because I feel like I am suppressing a natural urge. And I don't mean just sexually, I am thinking about emotions too. Inside of a monogamist relationship I always found the same three things:
suppression of self, lack of independence, and implication of ownership. Even the lines that I used to swoon over raise huge red flags for me, that make me feel sick to my stomach.
Won't you do it, for me? I am nothing without you. You are mine, you are the only one I could ever want.I have theorized that in the way people find cheating to be an act of selfishness (in which I agree wholeheartedly), I also believe that desiring monogamy could also be perceived as a selfish act. Let me clarify. I do not agree with cheating, because you are thinking about yourself before your partner. But in monogamy, aren't you also doing the same thing? You aren't hurting your partner in the way that you would if you cheated. But isn't your desire of monogamy selfish? Doesn't the notion of monogamy implicate a sense of control that you would have over another person?
Do you think that monogamy could be perceived as selfish?
Recommend
Comments (60)
I never saw monogamy as any of those things.
I see monogamy as a commitment, nothing about ownership. You are committed to one person, who is mutually committed to you romantically (and/or sexually). I am still my own person, and I still do my own things and live my life the way I see fit, and monogamy fits fine with that. I still have my own friends, my own hobbies, my own plans, my own dreams, and my own future. Just asI see my friends in it, I see my partner in it. I would never imagine removing my partner from his friends, the career he wants, the person he is, the things he enjoys, etc. It would be selfish of any partner to mold and manipulate the other's life to fit theirs - that, I can agree with, but that's just a selfish person to begin with. I don't think it has anything to do with the idea of a monogamous relationship.
While I disagree with what you define as inherent of monogamy, I don't think you need to tie yourself down to it. You've made clear that you're uncomfortable with the notion and associations, which is fine - the world isn't all monogamous.
But please, if you're not going to be monogamous and plain don't like the idea, don't beat around the bush about it with your partners. Let them know straight out how you feel about it. You're going to hurt yourself and a lot of people if you aren't upfront about how you feel about relationships, and never let anyone just assume, because chances are they'll assume a "traditional" monogamous relationship, and that's not fair if you know you'll act otherwise.
Wanting monogamy is only selfish when the other person doesn't want it as well. That's why it's usually important to find a significant other who has the same values as you do. But I can definitely understand how you see monogamy as selfish. The underlying principle is basically wanting someone all to yourself.
My boyfriend and I are monogamous and we don't see each other as controlling at all. But then again, we are very much in love with each other. Maybe you just need to find someone you love enough to be okay with idea of monogamy. I think a lot of people who have experienced deep love will agree that monogamy can be a good thing.
Only if you get involved with someone who wants to be polygamous and you restrict them.
Monogamy is not inherently about control. It could just as easily be said to be about cooperation and mutuality. There's no reason to let traditional notions of relationships keep you from understanding them and participating in them in healthy ways.
It could be perceived as such, but perception isn't absolute, so no one can say that monogamy is truly selfish.
If two people are in a monogamous relationship and they are happy with it, then it isn't perceived as selfish.
It really depends on your relationship. If you both want monogamy, then it's not about ownership or selfishness. You both are fulfilling something in each other's desires and needs, and that's awesome. It sounds like you never really had a truly fulfilling relationship in the first place, so you might be a little biased, but then again so am I because I need that monogamy and so does my boyfriend. You said you have a loss of self and independence....truly healthy relationships do not cause this. When you fully experience being one with another person and forming a very deep and fulfilling relationship by getting to know each other and accepting everything about the other person, then you don't mind the monogamy. It is natural in that case because you two complete each other. Monogamy is not selfish if it's what you both want and you love each other enough to give each other what the other needs.
For some it is totally restricting and controlling. I only chose monogamy because I am a picky person so dealing with one person let alone two is enough for me. I can understand why some people only want one person or why others want more then one. Just do what feels right to you personally. That's all I can say.
If each person wants monogamy, I don't think it's selfish. I think you absolutely give up a lot and ask your partner to give up a lot, but within those bounds I think it's appropriate to be selfish. You're asking for what you need. Any relationship monogamous or not is a little selfish, or it's not a relationship... it's, I dunno, slavery? :P
Monogamy has nothing to do with control when control is mutual.
It is NOT selfish.
Ephesians 5:22-24
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."
Ephesians 5:25
"Risk your life to help or save your wife. Christ's love for the church is without limits, nothing is held back. He gave His life for the church - before you loved Him. His love does not depend on your love for Him. Under God's authority - love your wife as service--as giving your life to God."
Mutual selfishness is selfless. Nobody gets "used" or "taken advantage of" when two people want each other for their own happiness and for the happiness of the other.
no
I believe the question was "Do you think that monogamy could be perceived as selfish?".
To answer that more directly, of course it can be perceived as selfish... but it isn't.
I am sorry that the one of the people who commented called you a cheating whore. However, I am only sorry if that isn't who you are. If you have realized from your past experience that you do not want a monogamous relationship and you express that to your partner(s) and they are okay with it, then that's okay. If you lead your partner on do choose not to tell him (also leading him on) that you do not want to be monogamous, but you are with other people.. then yes, a cheating whore would suit you well.
Be honest. --- To yourself and your partner(s) Be you. --- You don't have to conform to how the majority of the world is. Do what makes you happy.
I do think for someone who doesn't want to be monogamous, it could be perceived as selfish, but as someone who is happily in a monogamous relationship, I do not think it is selfish.
By the way... if you're going to be sleeping around, please use proper birth control. There is no reason that babies need to be born or diseases need to be spread (not saying you have them, but someone else you sleep with may) because youdon't want to be monogamous.
What the actual fuck?
Of course it can be, if you're putting your "needs" ahead of your partners. If both partners agree on monogamy, it's a mutual understanding and nobody is giving anything up. If they don't agree, and can't reach a compromise, then one (or both) is going to put themselves first, and that is what selfishness is.
It's an absolutely horrible thing to cheat, and you seem to be aware of this fact, so that's at least a step in the right direction, I think. It could be that you just haven't found the right person? Or you could be right, monogamy isn't your thing. In which case, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, you need to find someone who would be open to allowing you to retain your sexual freedom, or at least some form of it. Some couples will both have a "no rules, do who you want" attitude. Some will have rules that are agreed to beforehand. Some couples seek other couples. Some couples will have one partner who has another partner (or many). Anything is possible, but keeping it open and honest is the key to making it work. And please be safe about it!
I really have so much to say about this, but I've decided that since I have nothing nice to say at all. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.
I think that fact that YOU cannot be faithful has skewed your view of what a true monogamous relationship means....if you had ever really been in one you would never even need to ask that question.
as long as you are more than two area codes away ( not counting cities that have multiple codes)
My definition of cheating = Anything you do that you hide or attemt to hide from your S.O. is cheating. Cheating isn't about how many people you love or how many you have sex with. Cheating is about mutual honesty or lack thereof. It's about betraying someone who trusts in you. Every relationship comes with lines. Those lines should be mutually decided upon by those involved in the relationship and then for the sake of honesty and integrity should be respected by all involved. If you can't be honest with someone you certainly don't love them and if you love someone honesty comes naturally. Cheating is quite simply a lack of honesty
i think monogamy is STUPID! i don't want to sound like a slut or anything, but that is just stupid, i wouldn't emotionally cheat on my significant other, but as far as sex goes, COME ON!!
no.
There is no rule that says monogamy is right for everyone, or even desirable for everyone. There's no rule that says you can't be committed to your boyfriend and see someone else at the same time. It certainly wasn't the case in ancient times, and (even if it seems unbelievable) there are people (yes, even in the U.S.) who are polyamorous today. I am in a committed relationship, and I am polyamorous.
Just like there's no type of movie that everyone must like.
However, I think it is very very important to be open and honest with your partner(s). If you are both ok with each other seeing multiple people, then great, power to you. But if your boyfriend expects you to be monogamous and you are not, it will be an unpleasant shock, and that will cause bad feelings.
Yes, monogamy might be selfish, but I think we have a right to be selfish when we choose who to become involved with. It is entirely valid, I think, for your boyfriend to refuse to stay your boyfriend if you are not monogamous. It is also valid for you to say, "that's not for me", and walk away from the relationship.
Whatever people might tell you, polyamory is not "wrong". It might be "wrong" to hurt people or to deceive them, or to cheat on a boyfriend who thinks you will be monogamous, or to have flings with people who falsely think you're single. But if everyone involved knows the circumstances, and if they are all ok with it, then it is every bit as ok as any other style of relationship.
It's not selfish to be monogamous. It's arguably selfish to ask someone else to be. But in an ideal relationship, neither person wants to be with anyone else.
Healthy monogamy is about giving yourself wholeheartedly to the other person. When you do that, you're putting a huge amount of trust in them, and you need them to also give in the same way to make it work.
Done right, monogamy is the dead opposite of selfishness because it's totally about giving, not about taking.
There are many different ways to have a relationship. None of them are right or wrong as long as the two people IN the relationship are happy. If monogamy isn't for you, look for someone willing to explore other options. HOWEVER, BIG DISCLAIMER HERE...
Are you going to be okay knowing your SO is involved with other people? If not, it will NEVER work and you really won't have a choice but to continue being in monogamous relationships. Think long and hard about this one.
i don't believe in monogamy either. i wouldn't necessarily call it selfish but i *do* believe that it implies some ownership, which is why i would never tell a girl that she's not allowed to see other guys. you are not my bitch.