Thursday, 22 March 2012
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I'm a Virgin and Uninterested in Having Sex
I've never been a sexual person, in the slightest. I always had a thought in the back of my mind that was uncomfortable with the idea of sex, and really, I don't really like being touched, anywhere, at all. On top of that, I have a ridiculously sensitive conscience, and feel guilty at the drop of a hat. This is all a huge problem, because I have a wonderful boyfriend that I've been with for over a year.
I have to make two things clear before I continue:
1. I have a history of self-abuse, and have struggled with it for a long time. As other self-injurers know well, certain things trigger me and it can get hard to deal with. One of my main triggers is guilt, and I have a really hard time if I feel guilty for something.
2. I am a virgin, and my boyfriend is too, for religious beliefs, and also just the way we were raised. We have decided to remain that way until marriage. And since we believe this, sometimes if we go a little too far it makes me feel guilty. Which kicks in my guilt/SI reflexes.
While I don't believe it is bad to kiss or get 'close', after going a little past my boundaries several months ago, now just even kissing my boyfriend has been an immediate SI-guilt trigger and I have to stop. He doesn't understand and is, of course, frustrated and hurt. I have tried many times to try to ignore it, but the longer I ignore it, the worse it gets until I can't take it anymore. This has taken a toll on our relationship.
I have also recently come clean to myself with the fact that I absolutely never want to have sex. I'm not a thirteen year old girl posting on here, and I'm perfectly attracted to my boyfriend. And a lot of people will say "you've never tried it, how would you know?" and that's true, but I honestly never want to. I hate the idea of my privacy being violated, I hate being touched in any way that's not a hug, I don't like it if my boyfriend merely puts his hand on my thigh. I've put up with it all, for his sake, without so much objection. But recently, the past several months (connecting to the guilt issue), I can't stand being touched at all, and it just makes me feel horrible.
I do love him, very much, and I'm not repulsed by him, of course not. I was much less like this when we first started dating. It just seems to have gotten worse, especially lately.
He's convinced that I have a sexual disorder, and maybe I do, or maybe it's something else. Whatever the case, it's gotten really bad and has taken a toll on our relationship. I realize that if I ever were to marry him, I'd most likely still be like this (since I have been all of my life), and although I can't say for sure, I fear that I would never ever want to have sex, or do anything, really. I'd have to make myself all the time for his sake. He already made it clear that he's not going to beg me to do anything if I don't want to, but because of myself, I don't think I'd be good for him if he ever asked me to marry him.
I've talked to him about the best option being to break up so he can find someone much better suited for him. He's taking all of this hard, but insists that he'll have to get over it because 'I'm stuck with him'. He's incredibly sweet and has been a much better sport about it than I deserve, but in the long run, I feel that my two options are:
1. I find some way to get over this and beat it, whatever my issues are.
2. If I can't, it is definitely not fair for me to stay with him.
Is there anything I can do to get over this?
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About the Author
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- From: toriwillprevail@xanga
- About Me: I am your normal college girl in the daytime but every night I don my guns and knives and go on my next suicide mission.
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Comments (97)
If you are uninterested in sex you have some very deep seated psychological problems that you need to clear up.
A marriage to an equally emotionally disturbed partner will not work, either.Best wishes. And may you collect all your loose screws.
See a therapist. And if one of his primary love languages is physical touch, you're screwed. Well, not literally.
I think that seeing a therapist would help. He sounds like he really loves you. <3
If the two of you love each other and are committed to being together, you might think about couples counselling, or even seeing a sex therapist. Since you are both religious, you might also find support from your priest, minister, or from somewhere within your church; a lot of churches have an older married couple who talk to younger people planning to get married, and they usually deal with a lot of sex questions, too.
Best of luck, and I hope it gets better! Hang in there!
Yeah, I would suggest trying to work through this. It is hard for me to understand how you feel because I'm on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. But I tend to agree with what @sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga said: if you're uninterested in sex you probably have some deep seated psychological problems that you might want to clear up. Therapy really might be good idea.
Really though, the best advice I can offer is to do what will make you happy... and only you can decide that.
Best of luck.
In the year 2011, people are not considered "normal" unless they are having lots of sex.
In the past people who were virgins on their wedding day were considered normal, but today they would be considered "weird."@HappeningsZ@xanga - She feels horrible when her bf puts his hand on her leg, and she says that lately she can't stand being touched at all. That's not normal. =/ Humans should have a positive response when they're hugged or touched affectionately by people they care about.
She's not making a conscious choice to avoid sexual contact - she feels horrible with even non-sexual contact with a guy she has strong feelings for.
I think it's pretty clear you should seek professional help because something is clearly wrong. There are red flags everywhere with your SI coping mechanism, oversensitivity to guilt and adversion to contact. Don't do it for your BF, do it for yourself because this is no way to live.
Asexuality is something to consider, though not "the norm". While there's nothing wrong with it, it takes a certain kind of partner to appreciate and understand that that's just the way they are - there's nothing wrong with this person, or their partner. (Here's a blip on a sex educator, Emily Nagoski)
That your self injury is kicking in because of it is what throws up some red flags, but realizing that this may be the case for you, and being clear with it to your partner (and to yourself) may remove these triggers and feelings of guilt, and the negative associations with touch in general. Not everything is sexual, and just realize it doesn't have to be.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Lol. We all wonder that.
it does seem violating because the guy does the entering. I'm pretty girly, but sometimes I wonder what it is like to have sex as a guy
strapons don't count because it isn't even connected to my body and I can't feel the erection. TMI
I don't have new advice except for what they said.
Don't pay attention to the people being rude above
I have dealt with triggers towards self injury, and I understand the anxiety that builds up, as much as you try to fight it. You know that it's not sensible and you don't want it to happen, but it does. And it can be very overwhelming.
That being said, I advise seeing a counselor that can help you slowly and surely work through your problems with guilt and sexual activity, so you are able to have a happier life. It would really be a shame to give up what sounds like such a loving relationship because of what you're going through. It seems as though he is supportive of you finding a way to work through it, and patient, so it definitely doesn't hurt to at least try(:
I hope you can work through this dear!
I would see a psychologist (therapist) or a Christian counselor if you are more comfortable with that. It doesn't sound like you're asexual so much as dealing with a lot of things that make sex seem impossible and/or unappealing.
As a side note I wish you luck with overcoming self-injury. Before I was diagnosed/treated with a mental illness I self-injured and it's such a hard thing to deal with...but I think it's possible, and gets better when other issues are treated in parallel!
Before I was married, I would have intense guilt when I was in a relationship, thinking that somehow I was doing something wrong. This can affect your sexual functioning later, so be sure that you talk to a professional about it. Happily, I have moved past my own hangups that I had when I was a teen. A healthy attitude towards sex will help a lot!
It seems like everyone is trying to tell you what to do.
If you would, please allow me to restore balance to your universe:
DON'T be brainwashed by others. You are perfect just the way you are.
DON'T change yourself for anyone else. Trust and believe in yourself. There is nothing wrong with you.
DON'T hold your feelings in. If you are uncomfortable with something he is doing, tell him to fucking knock it off.
DON'T feel sorry for him. If he wants more than what you are willing to give, he can find someone else.
If you are not physically harming another living being, DON'T feel guilty.
NOT giving someone what they want is NOT the same as hurting someone. You are simply refusing to allow yourself to be hurt. Evolution or religion, you are a being like any other who wants to be happy.
DON'T let anyone make you feel bad for feeling guilty about not feeling the same way as someone else.
It's okay to tell him not to touch you in any way you are uncomfortable with. You are in control of yourself. If he loves you, he will want to do that for you.
If you see he wants to do that for you, and you see that he truly respects you and your feelings, I guarantee you will want him the same way he wants you some day (hopefully if and when you two are married).
If this upsets you and hinders your relationship, then maybe you should see a therapist. It almost sounds like you have some sexual abuse in your history (I may be wrong, but from the way you react to him touching you, it's not that far-fetched). Either way though, maybe working through it with a therapist will help you feel better about your relationship and physical touching, even if not sex. Contrary to what some people said on here, I do not think that apathy toward sex when you're a virgin is abnormal; there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait or feeling not ready for it. The fact that you feel guilty for kissing or touching your boyfriend in any way is more of a sign of anxiety and distress more than not wanting sex. If this upsets you so much, you should try getting some help. I'm definitely not saying change who you are, but it kind of sounds like the person you are is getting swallowed up in this painful guilt, which can't be good for you. Good luck.
if you were a guy, it'd be very different
It would be one thing if you were biologically asexual. But not being interested in sex because of guilt issues is never good. I've seen too many people go down a dark, confusing path because they're controlled by guilt and shame. Sex is not bad, it just plain isn't. Humans are supposed to have sexual feelings. Some want more affection then others of course but the fact that you don't want to be touched especially by someone you care about is not healthy. Like everyone else suggested I believe therapy is in order. It's not fair to you or whomever is with you. Cause you say you're waiting for marriage but if you're as damaged as you seem then what difference would marriage make? The problem would still exist deep inside of you.
There are a lot of people in this world that are asexual. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the companionship of another person.
A lot of people are sexual though, and I fear that it will eventually take a toll on your boyfriend.
There's too much here to sum up neatly...but if you honestly don't want to have sex, ever...well, i'd say you were having intimacy issues, at the least. Don't get me wrong...you don't HAVE to have sex unless you want to...but you're not just talking about chastity...your'e talking about something that does sound like a phobia, or dysfunction.
So forgive me, but I think you should see a professional. Posting to the net for something this serious is not going to solve your issues. Good luck...
Ewe no, don't listen to assholes like @sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga. You just might be asexual or queer! Check out asexuality.org - they're an awesome and open community to explore and ask questions.
@jenigrins@xanga - She's not asexual or queer. She's got some serious problems that need serious solutions.
@sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga - You're absolutely right. Her problem is she didn't have the confidence in herself she needed to trust her instincts and just go with what she felt was right, so she asked a bunch of random people knowing they would react by telling her she has something wrong with her, trying to confirm the suspicion that everyone else has confirmed in themselves.
Her problem is that she was so influenced by others (her parents who, I must say, did a very good job) growing up that now she feels like she needs other people to tell her what is right and what is wrong.
Now that she is (becoming) an adult, she needs her peers to support her and have faith in themselves and in her, but everybody is either afraid to step up and tell her everything is going to be okay no matter what she decides, or they are themselves too dependent upon others to tell them what is and isn't okay and feel like she should have to experience the "sacrifices" they made, which is giving up who they were to fit in in a world that is more fucked up than anyone wants to admit.
@sometimestheycomebackanyway@xanga - Society has deep seated problems. She has an opportunity to learn from the mistakes of others instead of digging herself into a hole that no one has yet been able to escape from just because everyone else in the world is down there. If I had known the kind of hell it is to love someone who says they will love you forever and will be there with you no matter what and they are your "soul mate" and you are the only one for them, and then to give my virginity to that person only to have them tell me I am an ugly fucking troll and they hate me and want me to kill myself not even a year later... I wouldn't have been fucking kicked down here "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" style with everyone else and still hopelessly love the person who did it who also doesn't appear to give a flying fuck about me.
There is nothing wrong with her yet. I would appreciate it if people wouldn't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy by telling her there is.
This sounds very delicate. I had a friend that was uncomfortable with things that were happening between her and her boyfriend. He was going too far for her comfort and wouldn't stop. It ended in a painful breakup. Don't put up with something that makes you feel awful. Be open with him.