Thursday, 22 March 2012
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I Love My Boyfriend (But I Like Someone Else)
The more I think about it, the angrier I get.
I had it made with my first love back in the day. I was in college and everything was going great. We both had our lives on the right track. Then all of a sudden, I met this great guy. This really amazing guy who, I swear, is the male version of me; so compatible even our friends were in awe. I developed a big crush on said guy and simultaneously held strong feelings for him and my then-boyfriend.
However, my boyfriend broke my heart twice twice in the past. And since then I have not been able to narrow my feelings down to just one person. And it is beyond frustrating.
Now it seems that, whether I'm in a relationship or not, I'm interested in multiple people. I feel like I can't focus on one person like I should, because someone else is always catching my attention. I don't pursue guy after guy after guy, but I feel like I should have blinders on when I'm at least in a relationship, yet I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be with whoever I'm interested in.
Have you ever been interested in someone else while in a relationship? Is there a way to actively combat these feelings? Or should I leave my boyfriend?
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Comments (35)
I think you need to stay single.
I feel the same way, I'm with a guy and then I suddenly want someone else. Maybe it's about the chase for you.
How funny, my bf brought this up earlier today. It does make sense b/c we are human and we will always be attracted to other people even though we are with one person.
I think those feelings are infatuations and nothing real. It'll pass and if you really love your bf you'll stay with him.
Yes. Stay single and make it easier on yourself and for your man.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - totally agree.
Everyone is different---we all react to being in a relationship in different ways. As long as you don't act on your attractions to other men while you're with your boyfriend, I think it's perfectly normal. But if you really do want to be with this other guy, you need to break up with your boyfriend.
Passively I have been. More curious than anything else. I realized the feelings and where they were really coming from, and no it had nothing to do with the person, and then crushed them because I am a one person kinda gal. Some people are not meant to be monogamous but those people should not dangle false reality in front of monogamous needing people..if that makes sense.
I've experienced this once before, and I left my boyfriend (who was a jerk anyway) for the other guy. Almost 4 years later, I'm still with the other guy. So that decision worked out well. :)
Maybe you should just be dating more than one person, openly? Or, just don't act of your feelings for all of those guys. I love my boyfriend very much, but I'm still attracted to other people. I never lay in bed and fantasize about other guys, so if you're doing that, you should probably break up with your boyfriend... But if you're just harmlessly flirting, I don't see the big deal. It's natural to be attracted to many people, but you don't HAVE to act on it. With my boyfriend, I'm attracted to him physically for sure, like I am with many other guys. But what makes him worth it.. well, there are a thousand more reasons. Other guys might just be pretty faces, ya know?
then you don't really LOVE your bf
love requires commitment. what you have with your boyfriend is passion.
Ah I love how judgemental people can be! I am currently in a situation where, I really love my boyfriend but I have these rather annoying and unwanted attractions to another guy. Its just a part of being human, not everything is black and white. It doesn't mean you don't love the person you are with. Even though I like someone else I choose my boyfriend and I remain committed to him because I care too damn much about him to hurt him like that. This other person is just a friend and I intend on keeping it that way.
Life is a lot of gray areas. Feelings are muddled and unexpected things happen. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date people or be happy or what have you.
I've crushed on other guys while I've been in a relationship. I can't imagine every guy out there to turn immediately gray when I'm in a relationship. Of course, potentially, there will always be someone better out there for you. But for now, you are in a committed relationship.. weigh your options. How much do you value your relationship now vs establishing another relationship?
It's ok to crush on someone, but it's not okay to act upon it when you're in a committed relationship so just be wary of where to draw the line.
i have had little crushes or fantasies but i usually then make sure there's a lot of distance between myself and the new person to be sure nothing comes of it in reality. but i am certain i love my boyfriend, and i haven't had it happen so often i dunno what to do with myself lol. maybe if it happens THAT often to you, you should be single for a while and just date around casually. it just doesnt sound like you enjoy being committed solely to your boyfriend right now, and that's fine.
I get where you are coming from and I have experienced the same thing recently. I'm in a n a relationship but am so attracted to this other guy. We have so much in common it's scary! I am a highly sexual person ( SO is not) and love the feeling of the first time flutters etc which dwindle over time when in a relationship for a period of time. Would I act on my feelings? Probably not..we made a pact if we ever wanted out for whatever reason all we had to do was communicate, say our goodbyes and go our separate ways. The fantasy of being with this guy is just about as good as the real thing and nothing needs to change in my current relationship.
Plain and simple. If you like someone else then you are NOT in love with your boyfriend.
I put off my first relationship (although there were more than a handful of... shall we say, dalliances) until I was 21--I was incapable of sustaining love because I had no love for myself. The first relationship lasted a few months, and I was totally in love, and he wasn't. It cut me deep, and yet somehow life threw me my current boyfriend shortly after, and we've been together almost 8 months, living together for about 6 of them.
And to be honest, I fantasize about straying... but usually only when we're fighting, and I think at heart I am too much of a romantic to ever be a true adulterer. I think for me and maybe for you this desire (or pattern of behavior, for you) to stray or seek someone else that becomes a new focus of attachment comes more from a fear of truly committing due to having been hurt before. Afraid to love someone wholly and not even consider anyone else because you've been down that road before and it lead to pain.
But no risk---no reward. ;)
You said ever SINCE your boyfriend broke your heart you haven't been able to focus on one person solely. I think this basically boils down to, you're too scared to give your heart totally over to another person after you've been let down again and again. This is natural and normal, nothing is wrong with you. You just have to remind yourself that that is one totally separate situation from any other situation that will ever happen in your life.
I have been hurt in the past and I have trust issues, and it helps when I remind myself, what I said earlier, that this is totally one situation. One completely sole situation that has nothing to do with You or anything else in your life, it just happened, that's it. And I'm not saying that this will never happen again, because people will Always let you down, but it is just a random act that just happened, it has nothing to do with you, at all. It helps me when I break the things that have happened to me down like this, because it makes you realize that life does not revolve around this one occasion. It just happened. And no situation will ever be the same as this, even though it can be similar, at times.
I have no idea if I've made any sense at all, but I hope this helps!
It IS natural. There are many people out there. But if you still want to be committed to your boyfriend and love him, then you know you are making a conscious decision to stay with him.
Though I think with you, you probably realized that just because you love someone, doesn't make him perfect for you.. so maybe you're always trying to find someone better or when you're not sure about your own relationship you feel like you want to find someone else to make you feel better? Well, that's how I feel sometimes. Nobody is perfect though, there will always be some sort of problem. As long as the problem isn't terrible and your bf is willing to work on himself (and you work on yourself), then it's fine. Just think about the times when your bf made you happy (when you're down, that is.. i'm sure he will make you happy in the future too).
I find that's the main problem is that, I think about other guys and how it might be, because there isn't anything deep with those guys, they're just shallow thoughts.
Sounds like you're guarded. This might leave yourself open to someone else because you aren't giving yourself completely to your boyfriend.
I think when you're really in love with someone even if another "perfect" guy shows up you show respect for the person you're with and if you really do "fall" for this new person, you then talk clear about the situation and if needed don't continue on that relationship. Idk.. I think it's up to every person to deal with it as he/she thinks is best.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I agree, maybe you should take time to be in a relationship with yourself before you go into a relationship with someone else. In other words, try focusing on yourself for a while before you decide on entering a relationship with a different person. You don't know what you want right now, so take your time in finding out what you truly do want.
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Yes its happened to me and my boyfriends...and it hurts when they like someone else, but what are you going to do about it? You can't change your feelings. I would stay single or date casually if I were you now. There's a lot of people out there and since its natural, just let your feelings take you wherever they want, eventually I think you'll settle down