Sunday, 18 March 2012
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Don't Judge Me: I Can't Get Over My Past
Hello Datingish readers! I follow this site adamantly, looking for advice. I may not be a very active member of xanga, but I really just joined because I love to read all that is going on! However, I could not find the advice I needed for this one particular problem I am having, and I'd really like some support and reassurance. Now, I follow Datingish pretty regularly and I've seen the kind of comments people receive about their problems. It's not nice.
I don't really understand why. If a person is facing a problem, nasty comments don't really help all that much. So do not judge me when responding to this post. Take a step back and really consider the situation. Not each person is the same and difficult situations for me may seem stupid to others.
I have a boyfriend of over one year, he is my best friend. I love him with everything I am; he knows everything about me. But for some reason, lately I have been getting feelings of discomfort with the relationship. A good friend of mine, who had feelings for me, and visa versa, is constantly on my mind. He told me we can no longer be friends because he cannot stand to be just friends with me after everything. And for some reason this is leaving me at a crossroads.
When I don't think about this friend, it isn't an issue. But it's hard to really keep it out of my mind at all times. It comes up and puts a damper on every happy thought I have.
I feel as if I'm doing my boyfriend wrong by staying with him because these thoughts always cross my mind. I want to do everything I can to stop this. I love him so much, and I don't have a single doubt about him. But sometimes I get to worrying that these thoughts are coming back into my head because I missed out, or I start to think that I will never be able to comfort myself unless I see what could have happened.
I had strong feelings for him as well, almost like a first love. But my current boyfriend is my first really serious boyfriend and treats me amazingly; I could not have wished for anything better.
It really kills me to have these thoughts and I end up really hurt over everything and truly thinking that I don't belong in a good relationship because I don't really deserve it. My boyfriend is everything I could have asked for and more, and I feel as if I'm ungrateful. I just want to learn to be happy with what I have. I've talked to my current boyfriend about possibly taking a break to really see what's going on in my mind, but he takes it very hard.
He loves me and it's absolutely clear, and even me just asking really got him extremely upset. I chickened out a bit because I could not stand to see him so upset and we ended up back together almost immediately. I don't really know what else to do, but I just need some form of advice that's beneficial.
Has anyone else felt this type of situation? Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you!
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- From: city_sweetheart@xanga
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Comments (42)
Unless you pursue something with your friend, then there will always be that 'what if' factor. There's no way around it. You have to choose to either stay with your boyfriend and always wonder about your friend, or pursue the friend but ultimately lose your boyfriend.
lol. no datingish post is complete without the judgmental comments. you'd know that if you *actually* followed it regularly :p
anyway. i could tell that this was your first boyfriend before you said so, because this is a common problem for people who have not "played the field," so to speak (the "what else is out there" factor). there's not much anyone can tell you...though i will say that despite your claim that you have no doubts about your boyfriend, you wouldn't be writing this post if that was actually the case.
OK... I like to give sarcastic comments sometimes. Makes me hope people will wake up one day.
Let me give you my past's relevant perspective. When I dated two guys on and off, (never at the same time) but exclusively.. one of them put it as having too much love for just one person. I saw it as, I didn't love either of them enough to respect myself by staying with either of them. I deserved happiness, and a better life for myself.
My ideologies are too big for my present, and therefore my lovelife had to be put on hold so I could exist, gain some perspective, take a little time off for myself so I could reflect on my own feelings and desires.
I had the same problem when I had my first most serious boyfriend. When I look back on it now it seems so goofy that I became so upset over such normal feelings. You just have to decide what and who is more important to you. Either way someone is going to get hurt in the situation but such is life. Cause I also had really strong feelings for boyfriends before him but I had to remember why exactly they didn't work out. So I accepted that people like that who had such a big impact on my feelings and my past will always have a place in my heart so to speak but that doesn't mean I should date them. Nor should you feel ashamed for still loving them in a way. There are so many different kinds of love and frankly it's a very interesting part about being human. As long as you're not emotionally cheating(and from what you've said so far it doesn't look like it at all)then I wouldn't worry about a thing.
Jeeze, that's a ruff situation. Anongirl and I only dated for a few months before her past reared it's head. I still get the I want to date you, but I have super trust issues vibe and we've known each other for two years. It sucks, but I know with her it's psychological and not just being flaky. I don't know your individual situation, I think the only one who can truly make this call is you. All of us random internet people (Thanks Al Gore...) can't do it for you. I would just weigh the pros and cons of each guy and go with who you feel you'll get along better with and who will make you the happiest. That is the ultimate goal of any relationship,no?
Can you live staying with your boyfriend and not knowing what might have been? If not, you're going to have to do something because it's not fair on any of you. You're leading your boyfriend on (not maliciously) and you're giving this other guy some aspect of false hope. However, make sure the other guy isn't just some rebound from your current relationship - the last thing you want to do is lose both of them.
It's a tough situation I know, I've been there before, but you need to do what's right for you. When I was in your situation, I ended my relationship, just because I knew I wouldn't be happy without exploring other options, and I'm really glad I did (even though I'm no longer with either guy) - just do what makes you happy, and make sure you won't regret doing (or not doing) something - good luck! :)
You know, it is normal to have a little crush on other guys when you are in a long-term relationship. If you don't think that it is just a crush and is actually more serious, you need to break up with your boyfriend.
I definitely overlooked the fact that he was your first serious boyfriend, until I started reading the comments. As I read, I realized I've felt that way before.
I do think that @heythereJOANN@xanga, and @lilblucherrygrl@xanga are right. The best thing to do is just pick what you want to do and there isn't necessarily a "right" answer, but instead a "right for you" answer.
My situation was close to what yours is, only slightly different. One of my best guy friends (K) confessed to me two weeks after I started dating my first serious boyfriend (J) that he had meant to ask me date him the same day J did. It was only until a friend told him J had already asked me, that he decided not to. K had meant to weeks before, and had liked me the entire year before, during which time I had also really liked him. It wasn't until weeks before that I had started liking J.
At that point, I was faced with a decision. Do I stay with J and give him a try? After all...he hadn't done anything to warrant me breaking up with him. Or do I break up with J, and try dating K? I was distraught. I decided after a few days that I should stay with J. We ended up dating for a year and a half. The thing is...I often still thought about what if I had went with the other choice. I, obviously, wasn't committed to the degree that you are, but I felt that what if throughout the relationship, and I felt the what if after J and I broke up, and to this day I still feel the what if.
The point of my story is simply what others have already said. You need to decide. Can you live with not knowing? Would the friend even consider dating you at this point? Maybe you should stay with your current boyfriend, and just let things go where they do. Or if you truly aren't happy - even if its with the situation and not the boyfriend - then you aren't being true to yourself and you deserve to be happy. Good luck! (I'm curious to know what your decision is)
don't do anything that you'll regret later. however, who knows if you'll regret it if you don't try. if you truly loved him, then you won't wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. it is one thing to wonder if your relationship with your current bf sucks, but the grass is already amazingly green, yet you still wonder about the other side. hmm...your choice
You really shouldn't come here for advice...
I've definitely been in this situation before. Don't take your feelings about your friend too seriously to the point that you're worrying about it. There will always be other people that you wonder about having feelings for, because it's human nature to wonder whether the grass is greener on the other side. I think as long as you stay faithful to your boyfriend its not a big deal. Maybe do something special with your boyfriend to re-spark your relationship.
"My boyfriend is everything I could have asked for and more, and I feel
as if I'm ungrateful. I just want to learn to be happy with what I have."
You are ungrateful. Your idea to "take a break" is quite selfish. Despite how good your boyfriend is to you, you essentially want him to wait around while you try things out with this friend and see if you like him better.
Significant others are not like cars. You can't leave one in the garage while you go test drive another. Stay with your boyfriend, or break up. Don't try to go halfway.
::hugs:: you're definitely not the only one, trust me.
Sounds like a sexless relationship to me.
The reason why people write nasty comments to Datingish articles is mainly because most of the articles are written by women who are seeking out a logical, rational solution to overcome their illogical, irrational behaviors.
Shit or get off the pot...
Its not called 'Settling' for no reason.
If your gonna stay with them, then you don't have to worry about choices.
Sounds like your not there yet. So the decision is already made.
Time to bail, see what else there is / throw the dice.
You were born whole. To think another completes you, is to say you were lacking something from the start. There is no reason to limit yourself.
Society is a crock of shit. don't listen to their standards. Your the one in the driver seat, you pick the tunes.
Go back and look at all the reasons you chose your current boyfriend in the first place and remind yourself of how awesome they are. Also, try to limit the amount of time that you spend with your friend. Take some time to be by yourself to relax and take care of yourself. Don't get caught up in their emotions because it's unfair to them. You already made a choice and they just didn't have good timing. Cherish your boyfriend and don't look back. Try to make a future where you don't regret your choices.
People have crushes and thoughts all the time. You need only decide if you want to be with who you are with and stop looking for greener pastures. Either you love this boyfriend or you don't. Good luck!
I've been in your shoes before and it's emotionally tiring and stressful. I'll tell you what though. Don't leave a relationship for another relationship. Take a break or be "single" and figure out what you really want. Dating your significant other while having feelings for your 'friend' is emotionally cheating and you're not really putting your whole heart and effort into your relationship. Part of you are always going to wonder about the other guy. As hard as it seems, it's not fair to your current bf, and you need to take a step back and see what you really want and what are you going to do about it.
I think it's pretty normal to occasionally question your relationship, especially if it's your first one. My current boyfriend is the longest relationship I've had without breaks (only about a year... kinda sad considering I'm 26, but anyways...), and if I hadn't been in other relationships where we had all the fireworks/romance/etc. that just didn't work out, I probably would question it more. But the fact is, it's hard to find a really good guy, and if you think you've found one who you really love, you should stick with him. Another thing to consider: as sad as it is, it's not uncommon to start questioning things when the "butterflies" are gone, and often times, the butterflies are a result of nervousness about the relationship. In the beginning, you're not sure about the relationship, so it's normal to have butterflies, but later those butterflies are likely to disappear unless he's doing something to make you uncomfortable... Why do you think women stay with guys who are players/unstable/don't treat them great for so long? It's sad, but they keep the excitement going by keeping the woman unsure. It takes maturity to realize that the excitement and butterflies alone should not be what keeps a relationship going.
Even if you sometimes wonder about dating other guys, you'll regret leaving your boyfriend when those don't work out (and trust me, more than likely, they will not work out). And I think the more relationships you have that don't work out, the harder it is to find one that does (emotional baggage/trust issues/etc. all come into play after enough failed relationships). So my advice would be to stick with your boyfriend if you love him. Don't do something you'll regret later and try to come crawling back to him when you realize most guys aren't like him. If you really can't see it working out in the future, then you are better off breaking it off. One other thing: the relationship will not likely be the same if you DO take a break. I did that with my first boyfriend, and it ruined the (very short) relationship. I regretted it immediately.
Anyway, I'm off my soap box now :) Good luck, and I hope you learn from other people's mistakes!
That's a seriously sticky situation hun... I agree with the first poster, there will always be that "what if"; when all else fails, wait for a sign, follow your heart.
Maybe I watch too much Disney. -_-
what do you think this guy can give you that your current man doesn't? i mean, particularly WHAT do you think about when you find him intruding into your thoughts- do you daydream about his lovely six pack when your man has a soft tummy? do you fantasize going to an art museam with him because unlike your current beau, this man enjoys paintings? do you imagine spending time with him because you don't get to spend that much time with your man? pinpoint the details.
if you look at what specifically you're thinking about, it'll tell you what you're looking for and maybe not receiving. from there, you have to think about if you can infuse those things into your current relationship or not & if you can't add them to your relationship, you have to decide if you can live without those things in a relationship or not. depending on those answers, you'll know if you should stay with your man or not. it'll help you figure out what you're really looking for in an SO, something most people don't really know very well when they date their first - what you think you'll want/need and the reality of it often don't match up.
but i'd second other people's advice - don't leave one relationship for another. take a break in the middle to see a few different folks and get some grounding in what you really want... otherwise you might find yourself in this position again.
If you want to 'take a break' from your boyfriend, then you really shouldn't be with him at all.
The concept of breaks are idiotic.
You seem very young & your situation is not uncommon. If he's your first boyfriend, play the field a little & insist he do the same. Stay close with him, don't expect him to hang around & wait for you but if after you've grown up a little & seen what dating is actually like, & if you two are still in love, go for it. If it's meant to be, it will survive through this exploration. But don't expect him to stay single for you. It doesn't work like that.
@Asinine_Dreams@xanga - i agree with you. if you even have thoughts of a break then you really dont want to be with him.
hey girl! honestly, the best thing you can do is just decide what is best for you. i can't say i've been in this situation, but i was in a situation where i was with my boyfriend for 2 years and just didn't feel the same way about him anymore. he treated me wonderfully and i was really upset that he was upset, but i just didn't like him like that anymore. i ended up breaking up with him way longer after than i should have. i don't regret it - it definitely was the right choice for me - and i wish i had done it sooner, for his sake.
now, i can't imagine us ever dating because we are two completely different people. maybe that's as a result of the break up, but i am incredibly happy with who i am and where i am, and he is too. if you don't think the relationship is working and aren't happy with him/in it and don't think you will be, maybe you shouldn't be in it. relationships should enhance your life, not make you feel guilty about it.