As I mentioned in a previous post about dating rules, I always offer to pay for my part of a date--once to be polite and another time to show I'm sincere. For the most part my dates had appreciated that and were happy to foot the bill anyway. Only a couple of times has that ever back-fired on me.
I went on a date with this really cute web designer I had met online. We weren't the highest of matches, but those things can't always be accurate. We both expressed a love for records, so he had planned to take me to a shop in LA for the afternoon.
I was having a lovely time, though a few things caught my attention. He would reprimand me for picking up records costing more than five bucks and he was always digging through the clearance bins on the floor. When I was ready to check out, he was deciding which $2 record he should put away and which ones he really needed. I kept thinking, it's only two bucks! Go wild and get all of them!
We stopped at a little Italian restaurant on the way home and enjoyed a glass of wine. We each ordered a house wine--nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing to break the bank. When it was time to go, I did my little dance around the check... only this time he stopped me.
Instead of saying, "No it's okay, you don't have to pay for your $7 glass of house wine" he said, "Yeah, sure." I was stunned a bit and told him I only had a card, ignoring the bills I did have in my wallet. He said it was okay and handed me a ten while I charged the drinks. I was embarrassed, having had that whole exchange happen in front of the bartender.
I'm all for helping out with a bill, especially when I know it's a big one, but a $7 glass of wine? Yikes.
How do you usually handle paying on dates or in your relationship?
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Comments (70)
Why not do something free and avoid worrying about it? Most decently-sized cities have attractions/activities that you don't have to pay a dime for. Seems better than intentional deception on the first date. To me, anyway.
Burn.
I recently went out to a dinner theme lunch. It was Thai. I paid for the great icecream we got somewhere else afterwards. I justified it as hey, I'm investing in this too. But next scoop's on him ;)
Whoever asks should pay, and once you're in an official relationship, it should either be split 50/50 or you should each pay for alternate dates.
i don't understand how you qualify your offer as "sincere" (your word) if you are turned off when you are actually given the opportunity.
in general, i will pay for the first one or two dates, but i also do things that are super cheap like ice cream/coffee. there are too many girls who think it's their position in life to just get free food and i don't put up with that shit.
I can already see the responses you're going to get for this, bahaha...
Typically, I say whoever asks should pay for the first date. From there, it's whatever. However, I do like the idea of doing something free, to avoid all that. If I was dating, I'd probably like that idea better, anyway. Who knows.
@daydreams_nightmares@xanga - I like your style. Very fair.
So what's wrong with this? You paid 7 dollars on a date. At least look at it from the other way around where if you didn't pay then he'd have to carry the financial burden.
America and dating in the 21st century...
I'm glad I'm going back to Sweden where it's where it's a society norm to go dutch on dates. It isn't about "who asked who" as much it is that the both of you agreed to meet somewhere *regardless* of who asked.
Here in America it's still gendered expectation of men to do the asking AND paying -- as if all women in America are prostitutes or something. For a leading first world country, America is definitely behind in the times.
@Megabyyte@xanga - "whoever asks should pay for the first date"
Then you might as well believe that men should pay for dates because it's women in America aren't (yet) taught to initiate dates. In a few generations, this will change though.
On the first date, I'll pay. If a girl offers to pay and if she somehow becomes adamant about it, I'll tell her that she can buy me ice cream or something after our meal. By doing that, I'm sure she'd feel somewhat better and our date would get an extension.
Inviter should pay for the first date in general. Two people dating should either agree to alternate or split the bill on subsequent dates. We're married now and our money goes in the joint account so there's no issue of who pays. With friends, especially when we go out one-on-one to catch up, we always split or alternate.
Usually , it's the one who asks for the date that pays .
Afterall , you wanted it right ?
It depends on your relationship. Different people have different ideas.
I have to say, in this case, I'm surprised that you were surprised, since he was so uptight about money at the record store.
Sounds like maybe he's not your kind of guy.
It's girls like this, man. Girls like this are why I don't give two shits anymore.
I've always had a guy pay on a date, unless it wasn't a romantic ordeal- then it'd be split 50-50 or every other outing. Since I've been with my significant other, though, I'm the one who usually plans our finances, so I'm the one that has the extra cash for dinner or movies : ] I guess it depends on the couple and/or type of date!!
♥L
-SM
by the way, girls who expect guys to pay can also expect that we get higher salaries (i.e. for the same job). seems fair to me.
@Tracy_tragedy@xanga - yeah, and usually it's a huge burden for the other person to oblige, right? it takes two to tango.
Hm. I guess I would say whoever does the asking. I had 2 of my ex's insist on being the ones to pay and 1 of them since we are both college students we went dutch or did cheap stuff if we ever went off campus. So yea.
All of that should have been laid out on the table before walking into the restaurant in the first place. What would have happened if neither one of you had the money to pay? It's a little late to discuss that when the check comes.
if I really enjoyed the date and like him, I'll pay for it all. if I'm not sure and it was an okay date, I'll split the check. if he insists on paying for it all, too, then I'll know that he is very interested in me. if he splits the check, then I'll presume that he has the same "eh whatever
" sentiments and we most likely won't be going on a second date.
I like my boyfriends rule. He told me, "I asked you out, so I'm paying." Though in the first month he insisted on paying for everything even when I had asked him out to do things. I finally asked, "When will you want me to pay for something???" He said he would let me know. He did after a month of dating and now sometimes I pay, sometimes he does. So I say always come prepared to pay for yourself. Offer to pay and if you don't like the guys repsonse, date someone else.
I'm surprised Stateless Idiot hasn't commented yet
It def depends on the relationship and the people.
When my fiance and I were just friends, we always paid separately, even though I think we both knew the other was interested. When we became more than friends, I offered to pay, to which he responded that he wanted to pay for me.
I was brought up that the guy should pay, but if the girl ever wants to/can pay, she should at least some of the time.
Now that we're engaged, I offer to pay when I can. Sometimes he lets me, but most of the time, he still says the same as he did as our first date... that he wants to pay for me.
@Grtt@xanga - The best dates I've been on were dates at bookstores or places without obligations to pay for anything. It beats watching your date stuffing her face with your cash.
@ask_ashleyyy@xanga - hahaha, I was thinking about that post...
Since we're still based off of being all traditional here,
A GUY!
umm, backfired?
don't make a deal of it. either pay for your half, or don't. but if you can't afford it, state so at the outset. don't offer to pay for his.
basically, this isn't the middle ages, or the turn of the 20th century, or the 1950s. chivalry should be traded in for fairness and respect from both parties. everyone should go dutch until later in the relationship when all these things are figured out about who pays for what, what's comfortable, and who can afford it.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - "by the way, girls who expect guys to pay can also expect that we get higher salaries (i.e. for the same job). seems fair to me."
Uh, no, I don't think so. What is legal under the law for employers has nothing to do with social customs. Cuz if that were the case, since women are custodial parents more than men, women should get paid more than men! See... how that doesn't actually work.