Sunday, 11 March 2012
So I am sort of going through a self-evaluation/acceptance period towards myself and one BIG barrier is my outward appearance. Apparently, I am the cute girl. Not pretty. Not beautiful. Not hot. Just cute. And it's been detrimental to my self-esteem. Why? Because "cute" girls are the girls that are seen as: little, okay but not attractive, adorable but not desirable, kiddish, the friend, etc.
Now, a couple of years back this guy really liked me (chased me for two years) and this is what he said, "You know I really like you. It's funny...I used to like really hot girls or pretty girls...but then I met you...." On another occasion, he said, "Wow...your (little) sister is so HOT."
Ever since then, I have been bashing at myself for how ugly I am. I mean if a guy that liked me for two years said that...then I must really be ugly, physically. I don't mean to be cocky but I do have a really good personality (as that also ties in with cute) because I'm easily approachable and I enjoy helping people, mostly because of a harsh, lonely childhood. But personality isn't good enough for me. I am Asian and live in a society where LOOKS are everything and I can't seem to take out 21 years of that kind of culture out of me.
Truth be told, I always thought I was somewhat attractive. I was content with my appearance. Not drop dead gorgeous but not drop dead ugly. I thought myself pretty. But ever since that event, I have just hated myself and even my sister for being beautiful/hot (which is HORRIBLE, I know).
So what do I do? How do I accept myself? What about other "cute" girls...I know some of you prefer being cute, why is that? I am in dire need of advice.
I have been at war with myself for too long and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to accept myself. I hate myself for being born like this.