My ex-boyfriend, who I was in a relationship with for three years, recently called me to say that he would be coming to town for a long weekend. Since our break-up a little more than two years ago we have kept in contact mildly. Every few months we have a quick phone chat and we get coffee once a year when I am back in my hometown during Christmas.
His new girlfriend, the first serious relationship he has been in since me, broke up with him two months ago. He took it very hard and is still trying to pick up the pieces. We have been in more and more contact the last few months because he feels like he can trust me. And, I imagine, because he is lonely.
I was a little surprised when he called me the other evening telling me he was coming to my city, and then asked if he could stay with me. I told him that he could.
I mean, we are friends, right?Ever since I told him that I was fine with him staying with me, I have been getting some less than cryptic texts from him of the sexual variety. Things like: "I miss feeling you next to me", "I can't wait to hold you", and "I can't stop thinking about you". There's also been a lot of the "Remember when..?" game going on, mostly alluding to our sexual past.
I am excited to see him, but I am afraid that he is placing an expectation on me that I am unable, or unsure if I want to fulfill. I am currently in an open, trans-Atlantic "thing" with another man, and I plan on moving to Europe within the year. I am seeing other men in my current city right now, but I feel like sleeping with my ex is crossing a boundary.
I was really in-love with my ex and I feel like by sleeping with him, it could possibly reawaken feelings on either side. I feel like this could ruin what I have going on overseas, even though we have agreed that while we are not in the same country we can see other people. I know my ex and I are not looking to get back together, but he says that he just wants to "spend time" with me.
Have you ever slept with an ex? Is it ever "just sex" if you are sleeping with an ex?
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Comments (36)
uh no! i wouldnt do that
Uhh....Why would you use him that way if you're so unsure? Its his emotions that will possibly be toyed with and hurt him further. He's in a stage where yes, he is lonely because his heart is broken and needs somebody to hang on to and its your job to be the adult and say no, not make it worse for him. :(
No you're not really friends, you're ex's and to me there is a big difference. I have a lot of friends who havn't seen me naked, havn't kissed me, havn't been my boyfriend. If you feel hesitant follow your gut, and stick to your preferences. It's ALWAYS Your choice on whom you choose to have sex with. Don't let him guilt you into giving more affection than you're willing to just because "we did it before." Actually I've never slept with an ex because it would just be a waste of my body and time...they're ex's for a legitimate reason. And if he asks why you don't want to have sex just tell him about your new love interest and that you want to stay committed to him.
That happend to me a few years back. Old feelings are hard to contain and when those two people stay in the same bed with one another, things happen.. I don't know whether your relationship with the over-sea's person is serious or not, but why hold back? Why not just let things be and see what happens from there? But make certain he's on the same page as you.. What if you're just rebound sex?????
Hello rebound girl.
Ex's are always gray territory! I can't even get around my ex without getting all bubbly and "in love" feelings all over again . I would tread carefully...
Do what your gut tells you to do. You are not in a committed relationship at this time. Perhaps he has second thoughts and is thinking of you..and is testing waters. Or, he is horny and wants to expend his energy on you..a comfortable blanket. .
It is up to you, but you must be very honest with him. You sound as if you still have feelings for him. And then, you sound conflicted. Face-to-face, tell him you don't want to be used and don't want to get hurt and watch his reaction...that will tell you a lot. You could really get hurt again, but then again, it might be worth it. You will figure out what is best for you.
If you absolutely don't want to get involved with him, tell him no, he cannot stay with you and close the relationship door permanently. If you don't want to shut that door, then you are going into this situation with your eyes open knowing it might rekindle emotions..on both sides.
Good luck, dear. This could be a pivotal moment in your relationship..
You might want to look up the term "rebound girl." Whether your ex genuinely cares about you or is just trying to use you, first and foremost he's using you to make himself feel better about his recent breakup.
I have definitely slept with an ex, and it definitely wasn't just sex. There was never a friendship there for us to ruin, but it was far from merely a hook-up. Any relationships with ex's are tricky deals.
It can be just sex if you tell him straight up. Don't reply to those such texts on some sort of gf/emotional level that you are just putting on and not genuinely feeling. I sex'd my last ex, but we were also both pretty mature about it, also emotionally detached.
Texts like that, I dunno, I'd be very careful and upfront about what's going to happen between you two while he's there.
There is no such thing as "just sex" with an ex. even if it would be for you, how can you be sure it is for him? Even if you ask him, and he tells the truth, it could change in a minute. The euphoria and empowerment of the whole rendevous, sleeping with the ex with no relationship in mind, of knowing you can do it without the emotions, it wears off and before you know it it's two weeks later and your hating yourself, or hating him, or waiting on a meaningless text while listening to a song that describes the two of you perfectly.
But sometimes you can't help it. And sometimes you need it. Sometimes all those risks are worth it and what you really end up with is worth the self-loathing. Sometimes you can't move on until you look back. And sometimes you're allowed to be selfish and say hell with it, I'm doing this for me.
But be prepared for the repurcussions
I have definitely done that before... but it could "theoretically" work provided that it was JUST sex and nothing more. I wouldn't go any further, if something else was entailed on it.
ur subconscious mind has already given u the answer, otherwise u wouldn't have allow him to stay with u.
It's natural for him to look to you for a sense of trust, since you guys dated for 3 years. Seems a bit like rebound. But set him straight and be that friend figure so his emotions won't be toyed around any longer than it should. Like in the movie Friends with Benefits, the two friends still ended up falling for each other. So play it safe, stand your ground, and just be a supportive friend. Doesn't mean you guys can't embrace each other, have him lean on your shoulder, or what not. But sleeping together may cross a boundary. Take care of him, like take him out to places or cook him a good meal. Part of him may miss that comfy relationship feeling, but he may not know that a friend to take care of him might work out much better. Good luck with your scenario hun!
I think you know that in this situation, you couldn't possibly have sex with your ex. He's confused and dragging you down with him, and he'd probably regret sleeping with you, too, especially if feelings ended up getting hurt one way or another.
Believe me, this is a recipe for disaster. I broke up with my ex in May of 2011 and recently we starting hanging out again (as friends) because he's been going through some hard times. He's still in love with me (both according to him and according to his friends) and I'd never do anything to make him think he stood a chance with me. Don't sleep with him. It's not fair on either of you.
Looks like he wants some intimacy and since he trusts you so much that might be why he's wanting it with you. You're the ex that's sticking by him. He probably has a lot of feelings going on right now, which is why it's probably best you don't sleep with him. He's def on the rebound and you don't want to give him any room to assume that you might be willing to give him more than just a friendly ear.
Oh no.. Oh goodness... been there done that..... It's bad b/c I know I still have feelings for my ex to this point but it took me 6 months to finally admit it that I still had feelings for him... and now he's moving on.... and we had sex again like 3 weeks ago... but he's moving on to dating another girl officially... so I now am sitting here hurt about it trying to figure out how the hell am I going to get over this?
If you make it absolutely clear nothing can happen or will happen with you two in the future, and explain that you have a trans-Atlantic boyfriend (basically he is, you're just in an open LDR)...then I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Being a guy who has been led on, I will say, DON'T lead your ex on. Be honest with him. He might still want to have sex with you. If you're not honest with him he's going to expect something more and when you don't give it to him, guess what...you're going to lose him as a friend. And it sounds like you don't really want that.
@discover_hienie@xanga - Isn't this the actor JARED PADALECKI from the tv show 'Supernatural' in the picture??? If not, then that's gotta be his clone! What a beefcake studmuffin!
lol at his cryptic text messages - what a seedy scumbag.
Yes, I have. We dated for over a year and a half, February 2010 until October 2011. We stopped talking for 2 weeks after we broke up [it was an intense break up and the history behind why we broke up I won't get into], but then we made attempts to be friends again. It was on and off doing that at least 2 times. The first time he was being too sexual and tried talking me into a threesome with him. After a while of that, I told him I couldn't take it anymore and can't be friends with someone who is going to mess around with me like that. I ignored his messages for a few days, until he sent me one with him being completely sincere and apologetic and saying he knows he's wrong and doesn't want to lose a friend like me. We talked, and decided to try again and see what would happen. It was mostly innocent flirting. Neither of us were ready for a relationship with anyone, still aren't. I think around December we talked about getting together for the weekend to partake in activities. I didn't see much of an issue with that; we were single and young, so why not? The issue that ended up happening was me becoming attached. I grew into the idea that me and him would reunite as a couple again. I was wrong and I scared him off when telling him that. We talked about it about a week ago actually and I made a promise to him I wouldn't be jealous or become attached. That resulted in us talking about doing a weekend thing again.
Basically, if you think you can withhold your emotions and any lost feelings for him unlike me, go for it. You're young, you only live once, and you don't get many opportunities like that whether you're a rebound or not. If he went to you, obviously he still finds you attractive in multiple ways and the sex with between you two was probably worth it. ;D Plus you're comfortable with each other in terms of talking and having sex and whatever else. Just don't crawl into the mindset you might reunite. Enjoy being single, don't push yourself into uncomfortable situations. If you don't feel you can withhold lost emotions you have for him, tell him; be honest with him, and then just don't do it.
Yikes. Could go any way really couldn't it... Play it by ear, hopefully your gut will tell you yes or no at the time... Good luck!
If you're at all serious about the other guy, I would suggest you not do it. There is a difference between seeing others, and sleeping with others. Wouldn't you be bothered to find out he slept with an ex within a year of moving across country for you? Really?
So, yeah. I wouldn't suggest it. I would suggest you let him know your expectations in regards to his visit, and how he is welcome to your couch. If you keep allowing him to talk that way, and with your unsure-ity, it sounds to me like you'll surely sleep with him. I wouldn't risk it unless you decided he wanted to get back with you and you with him. Be careful, hun. *hugs* :/
@akarui_mitsukai@xanga - Thanks for your reply! I am going to let him know within the next week that he is welcome to my couch and that we will go out and have a good time...but that will be without sex and without any kind of "hooking-up". And you have brought up a good point...I would feel worse if I found out the guy that I am seeing overseas would hook up with an ex (with whom he had heavy feelings for), rather than just someone...anyone else. I would feel like that would be something unfinished with them...and things between my ex and I are finished. I do not need to complicate this anymore!
Thanks again for you comment! :)