Friday, 09 March 2012
-
How Do You Know When You're Out of Love?
I finally got the guy of my dreams three years ago. My twin brother and him were best friends; he was my first crush. Through high school and middle school, whenever I was dating someone, I couldn't help but think of him. Half-way through sophomore year, he asked me out. We've never really had any major issues over the course of three years besides when he broke up with me once after six months of dating, but then we got back together, and it strengthened our relationship.
On and off for the past few months, I've been second guessing our relationship. After he finishes college, he wants to move to California... and asked me to go with. The thing is, as much as I love him, I could not bring myself to move away. Sometimes he also just seems really immature to me. I do everything for this man, and he often doesn't appreciate it or let alone say thank you. He always interrupts our time by inviting his friends over.
I'm more than okay with him needing his space and his friend time, but shouldn't our time we set aside matter just as much? He says he's sorry, I deserve more, and that he'll fix it, but he never sounds like he means it. We're both each other's first loves and real relationship. Am I just worried to leave it because I won't find another?
Warning: I would never, ever cheat on someone.
A week ago, I met another man.... We were just talking on some chatting app (for friends, not relationships) and it turns out we live twenty minutes away from each other. There is a six year age difference, but if I'm not talking to him, he's all I can think about. He has easily said the nicest things I've ever heard. They're not cliché, they're truly... genuine. We have so much in common and he's the only one I want to talk to.
I feel like I've lost the spark with my boyfriend, and not just because I met this guy. My boyfriend and I are still together. We have SO much history together. If we did break up, how do you even get over knowing someone your whole life? And how would a six year age difference work out? I'm much too logical and think with my mind.
I know I should talk to my boyfriend, but I don't want to freak him out or cause panic for no reason because he's done that to me and that was the worst thing ever.
What should I do?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: LexKop@xanga
- About Me: Well, I'm a big bad adult, being 18 and all, and I'm just enjoying my time in the ocean of the world. There's a lot to see, and I want to experience it all.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 3784 Comments: 0 36 View all posts by LexKop@xanga
Comments (37)
You're emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. If you don't want to be with him then don't. How would you feel if he was talking to some other girl? Let him go.
You can say you'd never cheat on your man but you're only human. When you're having thoughts about another man, you're already walking towards that way. Stop being a hypocrite and cut your connections with the guy.
The best thing to do is talk all of the emotions that you've been harboring out and then see where it goes. If you can't be honest with him then the relationship will fail no matter what.
Often an older guy will be a lot nicer, they have more expencience so they often know exactly what a girl wants to hear, rather than a younger guy.
You can't just spend your entire life with your first love. How will you know you're sure that you are happy and that you aren't settling. You say you want to see the ocean of a world and experience new things? Meet new people, have different relationships. Date the stereotypical older/younger, short and long relationship lovers. Research how you feel, you'll never know how you feel until you try.
lose the old guy. california is a shithole, anyway.
Something that sticks out to me about this post is that you say your boyfriend wants you to come to California with him (you know...drop your entire life to follow him...) and yet he can't even set aside some decent alone time with you. Drop it, girl. Plus, older men know whats up more than the younger ones. Seriously...the younger ones don't have a clue.
"you're much too logical and you think with your mind?"
well dude. sorry to break it but you're gonna have to use that mind and think this through yourself. it sounds like you already know the answer to most of your questions, but you don't wanna do it because it will be hard. well guess what breaking up is always freaking hard! no matter the circumstances, and especially if you come up with excuses to yourself. but you'll have to deal with it.
or else warning: you will end up cheating on someone.
If you're at the point where you're asking this question, then you're probably out of love. Tell your bf that it's over instead of stringing him along while you date the new guy.
"I'm much too logical and think with my mind."
Lol. Oh you jokester, you.
Another thing...just something I thought of. I know you said that you wouldn't ever cheat...but there is a thing called "emotional-cheating". Granted, I think that each couple can decide for themselves what that is and where the line is...but do you think that your boyfriend could be bothered by this relationship you have with this older guy?
If you can't stop thinking about this other guy, you are already emotionally cheating on your bf with him. That's much worst than physically cheating, imo.
You know you're not going to move with your bf to California when he graduate and you lost the spark, so break up and move on (to the new dude, I guess). Just make sure he's not a rebound and when the relationship don't work with the new dude, don't go running back to your ex.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - haha we had like the same comment.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - Great minds think alike.
It sounds to me as if your current relationship has run its course, as most relationships eventually will. He seems to feel the same way, considering he seems more interested in hanging out with his friends, even at the expense of your time together. If it were me, I'd find the right time to talk to him and explain that you just don't feel the same way you used to and you have no interest in relocating. Don't make it sound like judgement and don't bring up the other guy.
Be kind, be compassionate and be considerate of how he feels. But don't continue being in a relationship you no longer feel committed to. Been there, and it's not even remotely worth it.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Agreed. Listen to her.
About the OP: I don't think she has cheated, even emotionally, from the sounds of it. I think she's just lost the spark and has found it in this new stranger. She needs to talk to her boyfriend about all this.
Maybe you should make a pro and cons list. I know it might silly, but maybe it'll help you sort your thoughts out.
I've actually seen quite a few girls who leave long term relationships to get with a new guy and the new guy dumps them in a few months. I'm not saying that you will choose that path, but remember, once you screw someone over it's usually hard to get that person back.
I say stop talking to this new guy, and try to really communicate with your boyfriend. And I say tell him the truth. Tell him that if things don't get better you don't know how much longer you can be in this relationship. Tell him why alone time is important to you, why you need to be appreciated/thanked more often, etc. Let him know how vital it all is. If things STILL don't change then I say you should drop him.
And after college is along time from now, so don't worry about that too much. Plans don't always stick.
Good luck. Be careful.
It sounds like your communication is shit and you have different plans for life. If these little things don't work a relationship can be just annoying.
I'd see this and the story wit the other man seperately though. Whatever he said, you just met him. There are things you might not know about each other. A 6 yr difference is nothing though. Everyone lives a different life anyway.
What should you do? You should probably talk to your boyfriend about your feelings. Communication...why do people keep forgetting how important it is?
It sounds like you know you don't want to be with him, you just don't want to leave and wind up alone. You'll wind up hurting him or even yourself if you don't just break up with him.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I've known him for almost 6. We're young for that to be considered normal. We're 18. I've had this happen where we lose it for a little while and then we get back on track. We communicate. I think that you two could benefit about discussing how you feel about the relationship and what you expect out of it flaws and all. My boyfriend has a knack for not talking to me all day or for long hours and it's frustrating and something he's had to work on for a long time. But I've also had to realize personal time is good like you have. He used to be all about his friends and never gave our relationship the time of day and it really hit me hard because we had had an eight month break where we both dated other people. The guy that I had dated turned out to be controlling and emotionally abusive, this is how I know that I'm happy and not settling. I'm still working on the aftermath of that and then my boyfriend's episodes of not noticing. But this has made us stronger because of all the history we do have and how much we want to keep working on the relationship.
If I have someone that ignites a spark bigger then my boyfriend does, I try to step back and understand what I don't like about my relationship that is channeling this feeling. It may take a while and a lot of confusion but I try my hardest to make it work; even when all I want to do is give up. Follow your heart. If it's not happy then you need time for you, not someone else just yet.The old saying: Don't leave the one you love for the one you like because they'll leave you for the one they love. Just something to consider.I hope that you make the decision that's right for you and that this helped in some way. Good luck.
I really think that even if it does hurt him you need to tell him how you feel. I was with one man for seven years. first love and all. I started to get those feelings but just brushed them aside. I decided last month that I had to tell him how I felt. It was really hard and even though my heart is breaking it was the right thing to do. I never wanted to hurt him but prolonging telling him was the worst possible thing ever. He isn't mad at me or hates me and we are still for the moment good friends. If you are feeling this way you need to tell him. If you wait too long your feelings of connection will just diminish completely but you'll sit there in a relationship you're not happy in just so he isn't hurt. Is that fair to you or him? no. It is not. I hope things work out for you.
love > lust
Sure are the complications in the present-time with your bf, but your lust over this older man is bringing out the flaws of your relationship. Focus on the good stuff of your current relationship and if it outweighs the bad, you've still got a good thing going on. Lots of couples tend to lose "spark", especially after a while, but the best part about fire is that it's easy to ignite it again. Spend more time with your bf, try new things, be more open, re-trace what made you guys fall in love before. If the bad outweighs the quality of the good stuff... then... okay, maybe you can consider letting go. Reflect. Good luck in your scenario hun!
I think you need to re-evaluate your current relationship. Why are you in this relationship? Is it only because you've known each other for so long? If that is the only reason then the relationship may have run it's course. You have probably grown and changed alot from since you were young. I know I'm not the same person I was in high school. As a result, you may have just changed and you may be growing apart.
However, if you find that you still have alot in common with your SO or you feel like you can repair what you have then it is probably worth sticking through the relationship. Think about the things you like to do together. Think about the things you have loved about him.
Lastly, communicate with your boyfriend about the doubts you have. It is so important to keep communication lines between you and your bf open. If he knows about your doubts maybe you two can figure something out or maybe if he happens to feel the same way then maybe you can have an amicable split.
Good luck. I wish you the best!
Sounds as if you are ready to move on.