Monday, 05 March 2012
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In Need of Perspective
This post was submitted anonymously.My girlfriend and I of about two years just had a split-up. I have spoke to her a few times since then and she wants to work things out as do I. The main reason we broke up was because of my relationship with a female friend. I need insight and another's perspective on this because I am not sure what to do.
I have known this friend for about 10 years, we were roommates for a year, and we used to hang out a lot. Also before I met my ex-girlfriend, my friend and I were clouded by booze one night and we went past the friend zone and made out and almost had sex...but we realized what we were doing and did not let it go that far.Our conversations never crossed any boundaries, it was mostly just buddy talk and bullshit.
The reason my girlfriend wanted to end things was because I had continued a type of "secret" relationship with this friend, it was not a physical relationship but I guess you could say semi-emotional relationship, through text, social networks and a casual run in.
I know I am in the wrong and texting another girl at 1AM in the morning is super shady, but I think I am obsessed with this girl's friendship. I do not care for her sexually and I would not cheat on my girlfriend with this friend, I just do not know how to go about things. I live in a small town and eventually we will run into each other. When I was with my ex-girlfriend and we happened to run into my female friend, it would become awkward and pensive.
My girlfriend tells me that If I want her back I will have to cut all ties with my friend. I do love this girl and I want to make things work, so she gave me an ultimatum....
Advice?
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Comments (33)
I'm not a huge fan of your girlfriend. If she can't trust you being around another girl and decides to give you an ultimatum, then I think that sorta gives you your answer. If you truly have nothing to hide from your friendship with your female friend then you should try and have reconsider the ultimatum or simply break up with her for the reasons that she has no right to control who you're friends with...assuming she is just a friend and you have nothing to hide. I wish you luck on your decision.
I don't know... I have a really close guy friend that I have been best friends with for 10 years. Nothing sexual has EVER happened between us and I've never had those feelings for him. We introduce each other to friends, co-workers, and romantic interests as our sibling. We were roommates once too. If I was to date someone that was insecure about my friendship with him and broke up with me over it. I'm not sure I would be okay with that. Especially if they gave me the ultimatum to choose between the two. I would want to be with someone who would TRUST that nothing was going to happen between me and my friend specially if I have given them NO reason not to trust me.
Your continued friendship is not a "secret". You are simply doing normal friend things in my opinion. (But maybe that is just coming from a person that has a really close friendship relationship with the opposite sex -- who knows) The only way something would be a secret is if you had something to hide. Do you?
You said, "I do not care for her sexually and I would not cheat on my girlfriend with this friend, I just do not know how to go about things. "
Then what is the girlfriend's issue? She is just being jealous and there is a deeper problem if she cannot trust you even if you haven't given her a reason not to.... I say ditch the girlfriend.
Hmm I dunno I can't live without knowing what my best friend thinks about almost everything, besides I do love my friend very much (nothing physical, sexual or remotely romantic between us) so I'd be in a bit of a problem if my partner would tell me not to talk to him at all D:
girlfriend's in the wrong. i would stick with the friend.
p.s. it's not shady to text someone at 1 am unless you're creeping, in which case it's not the text that's shady.
I know that you claim that your friendship with this girls is mostly platonic, but do you think that you have feelings for her? I would say axe the girlfriend anyways. She is clearly jealous and has low self-esteem. Forcing someone to commit to an ultimatum like that is only going to lead to much bigger problems later on.
Is your name Ross? Are you going to try to reconcile with Emily? Is your close friend's name Rachel?
In my opinion, any girl who tells you to ditch your friends is not worth your time. I am very honest with my boyfriend. I've told him what friends I've had feelings for, what happened, and all that. I've also told him about previous relationships. Because, frankly, I still hang out with my friends and my ex's. I still talk to them. And I will continue to do so. Because he trusts me, and he knows I'm faithful. He doesn't feel threatened. I'll text who I want, when I want. I'll hang out with who I want, when I want. I still do dinner dates with a guy I used to have feelings for. I tell my boyfriend exactly what we're doing, where we're going, what we talk about, and all that. I let him know if the guy was flirting with me or not.
Now, if he mentioned he was uncomfortable or a bit envious of one of these friends, I'd talk to him about boundaries. And we'd agree on something. I will never drop friends for a man, but I will never drop a man who is willing to talk it out instead of telling me to ditch friends. It's not right. They were there first, and they'll be there in the end (if the relationship doesn't reach the marriage level and such).
@Shadowrunner81@xanga - LOL love it!
I think you're all crazy. What is this "girlfriend" crap?
A lot of the comments are saying your ex-girlfriend is in the wrong, but she is not
and neither are you.But this is why you always hear the idea that it is best to fall in love with you best friend.
Thankfully I did, my fiance and I agreed that if there was anything we wanted to talk about, we would seek out each other. We are fully invested in each other and really do not seek anyone else's attention.
My friend on the other hand has a lot of guy friends and the same goes for the boyfriend.
This kind of conflict often breaks relationships. You simply need to find someone who is compatible or okay with your friendship. You cannot force a relationship where neither of you are compatible with the idea of friends.
Remember, she is not wrong for wanting to be the only emotional investment and you are not in the wrong for wanting other sources of support. But do not force or blame each other.
I'll skip the judgement call.
You're involved with BOTH women...and one is an emotional affair.
Perhaps you began it believing as long as a certain physical line wasn't crossed, it didn't count because it wasn't "real". But emotional affairs like the "real thing" are made of intimacy...not sex. If you feel the need to keep it "secret", on some level you know it will disturb your f2f girlfriend...and you know why it will.
The answer is one only you can make...which one can you stand to be without? Because it's gone too far for this menage to continue...and your gf had drawn her line in the sand.
Good luck.
she's not worth it if she doesn't want your happiness. As long as you should continually show her that she is number one in your life, she shouldn't have a problem with it. Your ex probably feels that her lover is dominated more by your friend.
speaking from the
devil's advocate point of view, i'm most concerned with the word
"secret." If you're hiding anything about this girl, plans, texts,
conversations, and your girl friend has picked up on it, she's probably
just scared. A best friend of the opposite sex can be extremely
threatening, even to the most confident of girls. But as long as you're
honest with her, and I mean full disclosure about everything that
concerns her, and you make your gf feel comfortable asking questions
about her, without feeling crazy, then I'm sure she'd be alright with
it. I'm not saying you should give up your friendship of 10 years, but
there should be some way you guys can all compromise. You're allowed to
love more than one person, you're just not allowed to be in love with more than one.
Speaking
from experience, it's hard to see my boy friend be emotionally intimate
with any other girl. but he tells me all the details, so i can be sure
nothing's going on, and it's started to make me love him more, to see a
sweeter, softer side of him with other people. Secrets are hard though,
because if you even leave out one small detail, like oh, she's going to be at this party too, or something, then it's easy to assume the worst and make something out of nothing. like, oh you didn't tell me this because you're attracted to her and you hooked up, or there was an intimate moment or something crazy along those lines.
we
girls are crazy, and i speak for most of us, if we're being honest to
ourselves, but we're not unmanageable. Just be honest and no secrets!
GL!
It's a hard decision, and only you can make it. It sucks that this friendship of yours hurt your romantic relationship, and your ex does have a right to feel the way she does, but so do you. Talk to your friend as well, if you decide to get back together with your ex. Small towns are a foreign concept to me, but even a big city can feel tom-thumb tiny in an awkward situation. Let your friend know (if you decide to cut the connection) that it isn't anything she did, and you hope that she doesn't hold resentment towards you or the girl, but you want to see if there could be a future with her. . . Good luck, I hope it all works for the best.
Yeah I'm worried that you used the word "secret." I caught my ex-boyfriend lying about what he did with a particular female friend of his at least 50 times during our 3 year relationship. He would lie about what they talked about, he would lie about whether or not he was hanging out with her (sometimes even while he was hanging out with her), he would change her name in the phonebook, he made a secret facebook AND youtube account just so he could talk to her and post videos for her. I know he didn't have particularly strong romantic feelings for her, so it wasn't so much that I was insecure about losing him; I was insecure because I felt like he kept lying to me and I couldn't trust his words when he talked about her.
Now one or two lies is tough to get over, but if she wants to fix the relationship, it should work out. However, if you've lied about or purposely omitted some serious things, or if you've lied multiple times about small things, I think you should seriously reconsider whether you have a duty to your (ex)girlfriend to either limit your friendship with the girl or cut it off entirely.
girlfriends do not have to be told every detail about your friendships. You have to ask yourself, would she care as much about the details if it was a male friend? Do you treat your friend the same way you would if she were a male? If your friendship is strictly platonic and you have not done anything to earn your girlfriends mistrust, then the issue lies with your ex. (1 am texts are not a bad thing).
The main reason why your gf broke up with you was not because of your female friend, but because you kept the frienship a secret from her. That made her paranoid that it was something more, and from reading between the line, it does seem like it is borderlining if not already an emotional affair. If you had told your gf straight up from the beginning that everything was okay, and assured her that you and your best friend are just friends, then none of this mess would happen.
My advice is take a long time and evaluate your opinion of the two. If you can only choose one person to have as company on a deserted island, who would you choose between the two? Can you live without your girlfriend, or can you live without your best friend? Which one makes you sad when you think about your life in 10 years without that person in it? What about 30 years? Do you value your girlfriend mostly just for the romantic and sexual aspect, or can your girlfriend be your new best friend? Because that's what a fulfilling healthy relationship entails: physical, mental and emotional intimacy. If you feel more open around your best friend than around your gf, then there's a red flag you should consider.
A few perspectives: you can always get a new girlfriend, but you can't get a new best friend. Your best friend might just end up being your girlfriend in the long run, who knows? OR this girlfriend might be "the one", and you'd never find anyone else as amazing as her again. The details are limited on the two characters here, so all I can say is, try to find a compromise between her ultimatum: e.g. - maybe there is a way to see your best friend once in a while, because cutting off all contacts is a little harsh. If your girlfriend is humane, she'd understand.
And next time, keep everything in the open!!
Best wishes
i'd just like to repeat every single word that wing_stock@xanga just said.
I have two great guy best friends. I'm a girl. So I'm just saying this not including my girl best friends. One of which was my best friend since we were 13 yeah so basically 10 years as well and one who has been my friend since we were 10 so we've been best friends for 12 years.
The one that's been my best friend since ten I used to go around introducing him as my "cousin" just so that rumors wouldn't start b/c we were always so close and hung around so much together. Until someone discovered we weren't really cousins. But I just said it's to avoid any conflicts. When he got a girlfriend he cut ties with me for about 2 years.. I actually didn't mind.. He's my bestfriend and it was his first girlfriend, I figured the girlfriend who at some point was like my best friend during my english class our first year of highschool, well she must have been a jealous person so I understood that.. and I understood that my bestfriend needed room to grow and be who he was... but that wouldn't change the fact that he was always going to be my best friend, even if there was some space b/w us. I mean I'd literally just say hello in passing and send a text "how are you?" about once a month or every other month.. sometimes not.. I knew he needed his space so I let him have it. He's my friend after all.
The next best friend.. we'd always been really good friends since our first year of highschool it was friendship at first sight and probably more than that. Everyone encouraged us to get together etc.. but it took us until my senior year and his freshmen yr in college that we decided to date.. But we both went separate ways for college.. our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend fell apart... and we didn't talk for a good 3 years because the fall out was pretty bad.. He had a child later on.... and now we're the bestest friends again. I tell him everything there is to tell.. He has a new girlfriend (not child's mom), and I am the happiest for him always. I don't mind that we only talk to each other about twice a month if at all. He and I will always have a close bond that won't disappear b/c of lack of communication or distance. We treasure it. We'll be in each others life's always even if at a distance. =)
@wing_stock@xanga - completely agree with this. Just be open about it.
ultimatums suck dick. that was a bit of a bitch move but it kidna shows how much she wants to be prioritised over the other chick.
You need to decide whether or not your relationship means more than your friendship and vice versa. If she was texting a guyfriend(in "secret") who she almost slept with how the hell would you feel? That's what some people here don't get. Platonic friendships are fine, but having a close call makes it understandable for the significant other to be uneasy.
You were disrespectful to your girlfriend by doing these things behind her back.
Just quit acting like you're sucking her dick. Seriously, if it's just a platonic relationship? Yeah, don't fucking cling to her. That's just weird.
She shouldn't be jealous but you shouldn't have kept it a secret. Secrets are secrets for a reason.
if you love your girlfriend there should be no question. does that mean you should act like your friend doesn't exist? no, don't be rude, but you need to make her and yourself understand that if your relationship with your friend is more important than the respect your girlfriend expects and deserves then maybe you should consider your options of being single and figure out what it is you want or what it is you find in this friend that draws you to her more than your girlfriend. if you seriously want to fix things with your girl then let your friend go. I've have the same thing happen to me, my best friend who I grew up with was causing a wedge between my man and i. he too gave me an ultimatum and as hard as it was to say it to her that i need to focus on my life and my relationship, she still respected that and i haven't seen or spoke to her since. would i act like she didn't exist if she happened to cross my path? no and i've told my man that and that should be a common ground of respect.
If you are doing something that you don´t feel comfortable telling your girlfriend about, don´t do it. Ditch the friend. Get back with your girl. Everyone here is on some bullshit. If you had been honest in the first place you wouldn´t need to make this decision.